Tomorrow/today is Guy Fawkes Day. Time to bust out the “V for Vendetta” graphic novels and dvds, set things on fire, and make s’mores! Remember, remember, the fifth of November. And extra chocolate for the s’mores.

TNA would also like for us to remember that they have a pay-per-view offering this Sunday in “Turning Point.” I had actually forgotten the date, and was surprised that it was so early in the month. That’s probably a good thing, really. If they want people to watch the show, it has to be early enough in the month not to conflict with Thanksgiving week here in the States, or the pre-Christmas madness that immediately follows. Is this show worth your $35?

We open with the title of “Kung Fu Bischoff.” Yes, really. Accompanied by Ric Flair, Eric Bischoff strides to the ring wearing his karate gi and fighting gloves. Does anyone besides me have Ernest “the Cat” Miller flashbacks at this point? Miller was Bischoff’s kid’s karate instructor back in the days of WCW, which is, I understand, how he got a wrestling career in the first place. If you haven’t seen Miller as “the Ayatollah” in “The Wrestler” with Mickey Rourke, you really should. But I digress. Flair and Bischoff hit the ring, and Bischoff announces that he has major business. He and Flair formally declare Matt Morgan “persona non grata,” and no longer a part of either Fortune or Immortal. Bischoff goes on to say that he will give Mr. Anderson the World Heavyweight Championship title match against Jeff Hardy on Sunday at the ppv, but Anderson has to pin Bischoff in a match and sign the contract first. In order to give Anderson a taste of exactly what was coming his way, Bischoff orders the referee during last week’s main event to the ring. Because unlocking Matt Morgan’s chain and preventing him from choking to death was “wrongdoing,” Bischoff beats up and fires the referee. Flair bows to Bischoff’s awesome.

To the back! Fortune trash-talks Matt Morgan. Douglas Williams doesn’t seem very keen on the whole thing.

To the EV 2.0 locker room! Rhino, Stevie Richards, and Tommy Dreamer once again try to talk Rob Van Dam out of his paranoia concerning betrayal. Fortune just so happens to show up, and taunts EV 2.0 about one of their number going home. This stems from the tag team match between Fortune and EV 2.0 at Sunday’s ppv. The whole group faces the whole group, and the winning team gets to fire a member of the losing team. (NOTE: To be fair, this really hasn’t been mentioned on tv, though it has appeared on the website. Don’t feel bad if you didn’t know.) AJ steps up to Rhino and announces that he is pretty sure that the “boring” Rhino will get fired. Rhino tries to hit AJ with a Gore, but AJ sidesteps him, and Rhino hits RVD instead. Fortune leaves. EV 2.0 fights. Lather. Rinse. Repeat.

To the announce table telephone! A very subdued and concerned-sounding Mr. Anderson briefly chats with Mike Tenay and Taz. He’s already had a few concussions in his life, and the recent short-term memory loss following this one scares him. He’s on his way to the Mayo Clinic to get checked out. This was an extremely humanizing and necessary moment for Anderson, and if it were going to be presented as a phone call, a bigger deal in a quieter setting should have been made of it.

To the Knockouts locker room! Velvet Sky has her very own match tonight. She Loves Angelina (See what I did there?), but doesn’t want her to accompany her to the ring tonight. She has to prove that she can beat Sarita on her own. Kiss kiss, hug hug, exit. Cue Winter. This time, Love actually turns around, away from the mirror, and talks to the actual person in the room. Winter tells Love that she will never have to be left alone again. Love insists that she likes being alone, and is going to be alone right now. Love exits the locker room, and when the camera pans back across the room, Winter has vanished. Good. This has already exited the Hogan/Warrior territory of which we were all so afraid. Whoever is dressing Winter should be eviscerated by angry mountain goats. Her outfits have been terrible. I get the concept and all, but this is Katie Lea friggin’ Burchill. Stop dressing her like a junior high actor.

Velvet Sky vs. Sarita: Sarita’s entrance was actually a bit awkward. She came bounding out, all fist-pumping action, to her catchy entrance music, seemed to suddenly realize that she was a heel, and stopped. She walked to the ring after that. This match was ok, considering that Sarita had to carry it. That’s not a slam on Sky, as she improves in the ring every week, and this is her best outing yet. Sincerely. She even pulled off a head scissors on Sarita. The truth is that Velvet Sky’s in-ring work was never strong, and it didn’t need to be. That wasn’t her selling point. I personally hope that she DOES continue to improve, and become a legitimate wrestler. If it weren’t Velvet Sky, though, you know that we wouldn’t be watching her training time on “Impact.” Just look at Rosie Lotta Love. The woman was trained by Team 3D, had a match against Daffney off-camera (Where Daffney was injured, yes.), one match on an episode of “Impact,” and was released because she supposedly wasn’t ready to be in the ring yet. Like Velvet Sky was either. Consider the physical appearances of the two women and draw your own conclusions. In any case, the match itself was awkward, despite it not being horrible. It was like watching a rehearsal of a performance. Sarita gets the win with her double underhook powerbomb thing that has no name. Velvet has a swearing fit afterward.

Winner: Sarita

To the back! Kung Fu Bischoff and Jeff Jarrett are bad, bad men. We get it.

To the back! Douglas Williams seems to be on the outs with the rest of Fortune, particularly Kazarian. Mumm-Ra the Ever-Living separates the two, and announces that they will settle this Horseman-style. Time out. WWE and the Four Horsemen get mentioned on TNA more than Fortune or anything else that would actually make TNA look good. Flair keeps saying things like that to portray Fortune as a bunch of kids playing at being the Horsemen, rather than as the newest incarnation of the badass heel faction. Stop talking about the Horsemen. Fortune is not the Horsemen. Fans do not need to be constantly reminded that these are not the Horsemen. The only way that this could work is if Fortune eventually turns on Flair, mocking him as a washed-up old man who refuses to give up the spotlight, keeps living in the past, and insists on recreating his own glory days through them. As much as I’d love to see that, I doubt it has even occurred to the powers-that-be. That being said, Flair puts Kazarian and Williams in a match against each other to blow off steam and settle this in-house. They agree. Fortune passes by Christy Hemme and a camera crew, and Williams lags behind. Williams has something important to say, but Hemme’s mic won’t work when she tries to interview him. A very particular shiny silver mic falls from the ceiling. Everyone looks confused.

Generation Me & Tara vs. Ink, Inc. & Mickie James: NOOO!!! Tara is wearing a “Cougar” shirt. Oh, come on! Don’t do this to her, she deserves so much better than a rip-off of Vickie Guerrero’s gimmick. If TNA has Tara have an affair with Generation Me, I swear that I shall stab them. In the face. In all seriousness, this was really good. The actual wrestling was the best of the night, and the concept was just fun. Generation Me, as the least-experienced tag team in the company, pairs up with one of the oldest and most experienced Knockouts. Ink, Inc. and Mickie James prove that punk/metal and country can, in fact, coexist well. A large chunk of the match involved Jesse Neal being isolated from his team, with Tara even pulling on his Mohawk at one point. Tara and Jesse Neal have the same color scheme going with their hair. Tara actually interferes against the men more than Mickie does, but all six deliver with solid actual wrestling. At the end, Max Buck eats a Mick Kick, and Ink, Inc. hits the Mooregasm on him for the three-count. Post-match, the beatdown of the victorious babyfaces ensues. Thumbs up!

Winners: Ink, Inc. and Mickie James

To the back! Orlando Jordan and Eric Young sit down with a specialist. A tag team goes to couples’ counseling, and much sexual innuendo is made. Who benefits from this, exactly?

To the backstage video! Team 3D and the Motor City Machine Guns all chill in a locker room and discuss how great their match on Sunday will be. Team 3D praises the Guns as the best in the world today, the Guns praise Team 3D as the last of the great tag teams and the reason that they exist today, everybody praises everybody. A good mutual respect angle can still work, and is rare enough these days that it would actually be effective, but there’s something just a little too over-the-top about this. Everybody else on the internet insists that the Team 3D heel turn, or at least Brother Ray’s, is obvious from a mile away. I wish that they were wrong.

To the ring! Jeff Jarrett talks trash about Matt Morgan and Kurt Angle before announcing that he will face Samoa Joe at “Turning Point” on Sunday. He knows that Joe won’t be 100%, but like the good guy that Jarrett used to be, Joe will always come back. Jarrett walks up the ramp, mocking the audience. Samoa Joe breaks THROUGH the entrance ramp, almost under Jarrett’s feet, and chases him to the ring. Joe lays a beating down on Jarrett before Gunner and Murphy Security run in and make the save. Jarrett gets away, but they don’t. Joe takes them out with a kick and a Muscle Buster, and is now on the loose. I know that the rest of the wrestling world is going to have nothing but unkind things to say about this, but Joe busting out of the entrance ramp was REALLY COOL and the sort of surprise that works. Nobody saw that coming, for sure. The way he was going, I’d totally believe that Samoa Joe could force his way through the entrance ramp to get at Jarrett. Joe’s gonna kill you! It was fun. Don’t judge me.

Rob Van Dam vs. Rhino vs. AJ Styles: This was a Television title match. For some reason. No matter. It wasn’t much of a match anyway. The point was to have Rhino and RVD bickering and not trusting each other, and AJ exploits this to retain his title. Post-match, EV 2.0 hits the ring. Tommy Dreamer tries to stop the paranoia, but RVD accuses Dreamer of being the traitor of EV 2.0. Dreamer has had enough, and challenges RVD to a match on Sunday to get RVD’s head right. So much for making the Television title mean something.

Winner (and STILL Television Champion): AJ Styles

To the back! Abyss announces to the entire world that he intends to commit felony kidnapping repeatedly by snatching away the Pope’s congregation one by one. As one might guess, nothing happens.

Kazarian vs. Douglas Williams: Ric Flair joins the commentary team, and wrestling fans worldwide wet themselves. In the minds of many, every syllable passing through Flair’s lips is the greatest promo of all time, and every segment which features him is the highlight of the night. Your friendly neighborhood Drowgoddess does not ride that bandwagon. Flair is not really that good. Not anymore. It’s not a popular viewpoint, and my bias is extreme, but I stand by my earlier assertion that Mumm-Ra the Ever-Living cares nothing whatsoever for Fortune, the wrestlers in it, or TNA as a company. He is reliving his Four Horsemen glory days through them, he contributes little aside from taking up as much camera time as possible and getting his ego constantly stroked by an entire locker room, and he detracts more than he helps. Fortune has been set up to look like they can’t wipe themselves without Flair. That hardly makes them look strong on their own. Moving on. Beer Money strolls down to ringside to watch. The match itself is rather good, but when two heels from the same stable wrestle each other, and the fans have little emotional investment in them, the audience will be quiet. They were. Flair gushes about how good-looking Kazarian is, calling him “Antonio.” Hey! I’ve said for years that Kazarian looks like Antonio Banderas’s younger brother, and no one agreed with me. Now that Flair says it, it’s true? Meh. Both men wrestle a technically sound style, with Williams focusing more on the grappling and the ground game, and Kazarian using speed and a dash of high-flying. Williams gets thrown into James Storm, who was standing on the ring apron with beer, flirting with a woman in the audience. Kazarian rolls up a distracted Williams and gets the three-count. Post-match, Williams is angry that Storm cost him th ematch. Flair makes them all shake hands and play nice.

Winner: Kazarian

To the video package! The Pope talks about his match against Abyss.

To the back! More couples’ counseling for Eric Young and Orlando Jordan. I refuse to discuss this.

Abyss vs. “The Pope” D’Angelo Dinero: Pope’s entrance has left the building. No mask, no coat, no falling money, no making the referee hold open the ring ropes for him. It made sense for this match, with Pope rushing the ring, but I hope it hasn’t been scrapped for good. This match was very short, and more of a brawl, with Abyss targeting Pope’s taped ribs. While Pope is laid out in the ring, Abyss goes after several fans in the audience. Security tries to stop him (not Gunner and Murphy). Pope recovers and tells Abyss that if he wants to beat up members of Pope’s Congregation (I’m officially capitalizing it now.), they can have a lumberjack match at Sunday’s ppv with members of the Congregation as the lumberjacks. Anyone else remember back in 2008, when LAX got a bunch of fans to stand outside the ring and whip Beer Money with straps in the match that they had? Abyss accepts. It’s on. Pope has yet to make the save for any member of the Congregation, though.

Winner: No contest

Robbie E and Cookie talk up the X-Division title match against Jay Lethal on Sunday. When I think of how far the X-Division and its title have fallen, I weep inside.

To the Jeff Hardy video! My, but Hardy looks like Raven from days gone by! Not bad at all. In terms of production, this was great. The background was completely black, lighting was low, Hardy’s make-up was just right. His low, monotone vocal delivery is quite creepy, and he’s really finding his groove with this persona. He swears a lot, and has to be bleeped. Nice. He delivers a solid ending tag as well. “Celebrate the antichrist of professional wrestling. Celebrate Jeff Hardy.” I know that it isn’t everyone’s cup of tea, but I’m absolutely digging this.

To the ring! Bischoff, still in his karate gear, walks to the ring for his “match” against Mr. Anderson. If Anderson can pin Bischoff for a three-count and sign the contract for the match, Anderson faces Jeff Hardy for the World Heavyweight Championship title on Sunday. Bischoff hands Jeremy Borash a card, and tells him to read it exactly as he has written it. As only Borash can do (he’s the JR of ring announcers, able to make anything sound epic and important), he announces Bischoff as weighing in at a slim and trim 185 pounds, with 4% body fat, and an undefeated record of 34 wins and 0 losses, with all of his wins via Technical Knock Out. Ok, I chuckled. Borash is forced to continue. He introduces Mr. Anderson as “from the frozen inbred tundra of Green Bay, Wisconsin.” He further announces that Anderson is “the pussy willow of Wisconsin” and “the President Obama of head trauma,” among other things. Borash actually stops reading at this point, telling Bischoff that the whole thing is ridiculous. Anderson isn’t in the building anyway. The Bisch grows angry, and says that everyone knows that Anderson is not in the building tonight, and therefore won’t be getting the title shot. There will, however, be a match tonight. Eric Bischoff versus Jeremy Borash. JB begs off, but Bischoff knocks him down and lays into JB with kicks and punches. Flair, at ringside, loves it.

The lights go out, and Mr. Anderson’s music plays. Fans cheer. Bischoff looks confused. As the lights come up, Matt Morgan stands behind Bischoff with a regular mic in hand. Morgan leans over Bischoff and delivers the second “Anderson!” before taking off Bischoff’s head with a Carbon Footprint. Morgan signs the contract and announces that he’ll see Jeff Hardy at “Turning Point” on Sunday.

“Turing Point” Predictions:

Jeff Hardy vs. Matt Morgan, World Heavyweight Championship title match:

Hardy retains, but Morgan looks good in defeat, which comes through some form of skullduggery. I’d love for Morgan to win, but Hardy just won the title recently, and I don’t see him losing it any time soon. That said, Morgan winning the title, and Immortal/Fortune having to deal with the top title being held by someone outside of their group, could be fun. All the ways that both groups could try to get the title off of Morgan could be interesting. It would also be a great catalyst for shaking up the groups, and allowing the younger guys to side with Morgan against the “old school” guys who don’t view concussions as a serious problem.
The Motor City Machine Guns vs. Team 3D, Tag Team Championship title match:

The Guns have worked too hard for too long to lose the titles now, and I want to see them retain. However, Team 3D has just been too nice lately, and if they really are retiring, I smell them going out in “If God were a heel, he’d be the Dudleys” style. There’s really no point in Team 3D taking the belts off the Guns, but I have a sinking feeling that they will.

Jay Lethal vs. Robbie E., X-Division Championship title match:

No one cares about this. Robbie E has had too much of a push to lose here, and Lethal has barely been on tv at all, so Lethal will lose the belt, get angry, and grow up a bit to go after it. His precious “mommy and daddy” persona just isn’t suitable.

EV2 vs. Fortune (winning team gets to fire a member of the losing team):

Fortune wins. They fire either Rhino or Sabu.

Jeff Jarrett vs. Samoa Joe:

Joe needs to win here, and in decisive fashion. He’s just coming back from being thrown onto his head, and he has to look like the unstoppable badass that he is. The non-Immortal/Fortune people have to have a glimmer or two of hope, and those glimmers are Samoa Joe, Matt Morgan, and Kurt Angle.

Tommy Dreamer vs. Rob Van Dam:

RVD is the only guy in EV 2.0 who gets any sort of regular positive crowd reaction, but what does his beating Tommy prove? On the other hand, is having Tommy beat the previous World Heavyweight Champion the way to go? RVD’s paranoia is the big thing at the moment, so I call Tommy winning through means that RVD interprets as cheating.
Mickie James vs. Tara:

Mickie James wins. No way does she come in with the push and total dominance that she has,and not win here. Can we stop talking about WWE when she does???

Abyss vs. D’Angelo Dinero, lumberjack match (members of the Congregation are the lumberjacks):

I’ll say that Pope wins, simply because I like him better.

I have no idea if I’ll be able to see this show or not, but if I do, I’ll post a write-up here. If not, I’ll post a commentary on the results afterwards.

Peace out,


1 Comment

  1. As per usual, excellent! I am having a tough time with many of the matches due to the super recent booking changes. On that token, I am sincerely interested in the retirement match with Team 3D and the MCMG's more than anything. All bias aside.

    Also, I completely agree with the EV2/RVD paranoia story. It's too rushed to be believable on any level. Bischoff turns heel, and suggests to his enemy that someone on his side is a traitor. And RVD buys in without even considering that it is a lie. Thus RVD (recent former TNA champ) looks like a complete tool. Dumb. Or so I would argue.

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