“Impact” Impressions 5/7/09By Drowgoddess · · 3 Comments
It’s Thursday night, your Empress of “Impact” is here, and that can only mean one thing. No, not THAT! It’s time to find the nearest line and cross it!
We open with the contractually-obligated Main Event Mafia entrance and in-ring promo. Kurt Angle, MEM Security, and so on come down to the ring. At least they’re using the MEM music again. Angle wants answers to the rumors flying around about a ten-man tag team match booked by Mick Foley as the main event tonight. Angle has two questions. Why give away a match like this on free tv? Why wasn’t the MEM told about this?
NOTES: Every now and then, giving away a big match like that on free tv isn’t a bad idea. For all the negative comparisons that TNA regularly gets with WCW, one positive one is that WCW initially garnered interest from fans by giving away on free tv the types of matches that had only been seen on pay-per-view in the past. In small doses, this is actually good. The problem is when it happenes every week. The MEM claims that they didn’t know that they were booked? That’s just lazy. Do they not check tnawrestling.com? Twitter? MySpace? Facebook? YouTube? Subscribe to TNA Mobile? Don’t be such Luddites, MEM!
Foley comes out (accompanied by Daniels) and explains that he booked the match on free tv because they need a show of power. Foley says that he thought that he was immune from the MEM, but he learned the hard way that he was not. Sting was a great champion, and was back much sooner than Foley had expected. Foley intends to walk out of “Sacrifice” as both TNA World Heavyweight Champion and “Godfather” of the Main Event Mafia. Jeff Jarrett enters, and asks Foley just what the hell he’s doing. Foley says that it’s all just business, to which Jarrett responds that Foley can “kiss my ass.” Angle gloats over this team dissension from the ring with “Can’t we all just get along?”
NOTES: Tension between Foley and Jarrett continues to escalate. This opening segment was actually rather well-done, but the number of “Impact” episodes that haven’t opened with a Main Event Mafia entrance and in-ring promo since the group’s formation can be counted on one hand. This format is really getting stale.
To the back! A sweet sports car drops off Samoa Joe and speeds away. Lauren tries to find out who was driving, but Joe has no interest in talking to her.
To the video package! Pieces of last week’s segment featuring the Motor City Machine Guns calling Daniels for being Suicide airs. If you didn’t see the whole thing, it was gold!
Match #1: Suicide defeats Consequences Creed (w/ Jay Lethal): This was a non-title match, which is a good thing. Every X-Division match on “Impact” should not be a title match. Very few should, in fact. Creed’s enthusiasm and delight at just being in the ring is infectious, but he’s just so sloppy that it’s hard to really get behind him. Creed really wasn’t the focus of the match anyway, as Mike Tenay and Don West argued over whether or not Suicide was really Daniels for most of the match. West has blossomed into the superior announcer since his heel turn, and Tenay comes off as an annoying idiot. Creed landed on his feet when Suicide went for the Suicide Solution. Creed hits a kick combination, but only scores a two-count. Suicide actually scores the win with a move other than the Suicide Solution, which was nice.
NOTES: Tenay and West talk about the resurgence of the X-Division and how important the whole thing is, but every X-Division match of recent memory, title or otherwise, has served as a backdrop for commentary about other things. Please stop doing this. It’s rude. It’s unnecessary. It degrades the very division that you’re claiming to support. Just stop it.
To Mick Foley’s office! Matt Morgan wants a match tonight with anyone, anyone at all, so that he can prove to the Main Event Mafia that his services are worthy of their notice. Foley gives him the Main Event Mafia Security. Jeremy Borash asks Foley why he would help out the MEM by helping Matt Morgan to get in good with them. Foley agrees that it may not be the best idea, and that some “tweaking” will take place in regard to Matt Morgan’s match.
To the back! Lauren interviews The Beautiful People. Velvet Sky completely freaks out over her upcoming stretcher match with Awesome Kong, and points out how Madison Rayne is not with them this week because she spent three days in the hospital following Kong’s stretcher match against her. Angelina Love is completely nonchalant, telling Sky that “I beat Kong,” and that there really isn’t anything to worry about. Sky points out that Love didn’t beat Kong, that Love pinned Taylor Wilde to win the Knockouts title after they tied Kong’s hair to the cage. Love hugs Sky and pats her head like a little puppy dog.
NOTES: Please don’t break up The Beautiful People!!! This new dynamic is great, and could be entertaining in the extreme, but Angelina and Velvet absolutely MUST stay together.
To the sit-down interview with Mike Tenay! The Main Event Mafia. Yes, all of them. Because they so rarely get any tv, promo, or interview time on “Impact.” In an attempt to be unbiased, it wasn’t a bad interview segment, and it really played up the fact that the MEM is on the same page after the Sting/Angle business. However, the constant dominance of the MEM on TNA programming makes this lengthy interview completely unnecessary, particularly when it went longer than most non-main event matches.
To the back! Lauren interviews Taylor Wilde, who is extremely bubbly and excited over a “secret admirer.” Taylor asks Lauren to come with her next Tuesday when she finally meets her admirer at a restaurant.
NOTES: We’ve had a “Win a Night with ODB” competition, and now Taylor Wilde has a mystery admirer. Let’s not go overboard on these storylines with the women. Other options do actually exist.
To the back! JB tries to interview Jeff Jarrett regarding what he means to do about Foley. Jarrett, in a locker room instead of his office, throws JB out. Did Jarrett somehow sign over all of his “Founder of TNA” powers to Foley? That needs to be made clear. Otherwise, why wasn’t Jarrett in his office?
Match #2: Matt Morgan defeats the Main Event Mafia Security: This was a two-on-one handicap match, thanks to Foley’s “tweaking.” Not that it really mattered, as Morgan disposed of both guys in about three minutes. The Carbon Footprint gets him the win.
NOTES: MEM Security should not be getting tv time, let alone match time. Organized crime families do not have “security” anyway. If the MEM is so awesome, they should be their own security. If they just don’t want to, why are two fat and sloppy guys the best that they can get?
To the back! JB interviews Mick Foley in the office. Foley “tweaks” the main event match, banning Jeff Jarrett’s guitar from ringside. And use at all, one would assume. He then kicks JB out, telling him that he doesn’t want to be bothered.
To the back! Lauren interviews Eric Young and Jethro Holiday about their upcoming tag team match against Beer Money in the Team 3D tournament. Young talks about being given the dog of the company, being given scraps once again, and making the best he can of it. He’s beaten both James Storm and Robert Roode on ppv, and intends to exploit their weaknesses tonight. Holiday says nothing, but blows snot on Lauren and walks away after Young. Charming.
NOTES: He only said a few short sentences, but I smell an Eric Young heel turn. That could actually be something really good, and I’d like to see it happen. Eric Young can work a live crowd like few others, and if he’s ever worked heel before (not counting the Team Canada days, he wasn’t REALLY bad then), I haven’t seen it. The disgruntled “chip on the shoulder” persona could work well for him. I never liked the tag team of Cade and Murdoch in the WWE. I don’t like Jethro Holiday now.
Match #3: Beer Money defeats Eric Young and Jethro Holiday: Beer Money advances in the Team 3D Tag Team Invitational Tournament. Good. Sort of. I’ll explain in a minute. Storm hits the Last Call, followed by the double-team DWI for the win. Team 3D came out to the commentary table to watch the match. Their commentary took away from the match in the ring, partly because they never stopped talking. Current champions watching challengers from ringside and commentating can be done well, but here, it just dominated the match. Beer Money was put over as THE tag team of the future.
NOTES: Despite being in the minority on this, I hate this tag team tournament. It shouldn’t be happening. Beer Money should have won at “Lockdown.” Period. If Team 3D really wanted to put Beer Money over as the tag team of the future, that was the place to do it. Beer Money is the only established tag team in the tournament now anyway. No Limit, LAX, Lethal Consequences, and the MCMG are all out. Yes, there may be other plans in the works for them, but having all your actual tag teams defeated by random guys teaming together for the first time doesn’t make the division look good.
To the back! Lauren interviews Awesome Kong and Raisha Saeed. Kong speaks for the first time, shouting “Dumb blonde! Dead blonde!”
Match #4: Awesome Kong defeats Velvet Sky: This version of the stretcher match isn’t that great. The goal is to put your opponent on a stretcher for a ten-count. The stretcher is then carried away. When Velvet Sky dresses in actual ring gear, including long pants, something bad is going to happen. It does. Kong plants her with FIVE Implant Busters, drags her off the stretcher, and hits her with an Awesome Bomb before a fast ten-count is made.
NOTES: Kong is really getting over as a face. The crowd chants “One more time! One more time!” for both the Implant Buster and the Awesome Bomb. Don West talks about the sick and twisted fans who call for such things, how Kong envies the stunning beauty of Velvet Sky and wants to destroy it, and how neither Madison Rayne nor Velvet Sky are the Knockouts Champion and the true target of the Wrath of Kong. Hey, the Glittery Syrian said it! Kong speaking for the first time should have been a much bigger deal, at least from an announce team perspective.
To Dr. Stevie’s office! Abyss and an absolutely smokin’ Daffney sit on the couch. Dr. Stevie wants Abyss to transfer his outer aggression to Daffney, which will benefit both Abyss and Daffney in the ways they need. There will be the first-ever Knockouts Monster’s Ball match at “Sacrifice,” and Daffney will be in it. Abyss must be in Daffney’s corner as well. Abyss starts to say that the Monster’s Ball is his match, but Dr. Stevie stands up, takes off his belts, and winds it around his fist. Abyss agrees to the plan.
NOTES: A Knockouts Monster’s Ball match? Sweet! Too bad they had to fire Roxxi (Lie down under a gas truck and taste your own blood, Rhaka Khan!), she’d be great in this. Daffney had soooo better win this match!
To the ring! Lethal Consequences enter and politely call out Daniels. Daniels complies, but looks annoyed already. Creed tries to flatter Daniels and phrase things nicely, but Lethal interrupts with “You’re Suicide!” Daniels is not pleased at being called out over this again, and tells Creed that if he worried more about how to beat Suicide than who was under the mask, Creed might not have had his backside handed to him in his match earlier tonight. Burn! Lethal continues to interrupt with “Black Machismo” comments and pester Daniels about being Suicide. Daniels says that he has no time for jokes, and that right now, Jay Lethal was the biggest joke in TNA. He slaps Lethal’s hat off of his head. Double burn! Lethal completely drops the “Black Machismo” persona and looks genuinely angry for the first time in a very long while. Daniels and Lethal Consequences are about to get physical when familiar music hits.
The Motor City Machine Guns! Alex Shelley sports street clothes, while Chris Sabin is dressed to wrestle. Shelley announces that since this is a family show, the’re going to keep things family-friendly. You know what lots of families like to do together? Play video games! Lethal and Creed deserve credit for stepping up to the MCMG face-to-face, unlike Daniels, who dresses up like a video game character, jumps people from behind, and stole his X-Division title. The X-Division title is much less sexy now. Shelley says that next week, it’s “Game Over,” and the MCMG chuckle at their own joke. Then it’s Chris Sabin’s turn on the mic. The future Mr. Drowgoddess announces that next week, they are going to do two things. Firstly, they will unmask Suicide and reveal him as Daniels for everyone to see. Secondly, they will give all the people what they really want: tickets to the Guns show.
NOTES: The MCMG, and Alex Shelley in particular, are absolute gold on the mic. I want tickets to the Guns show….
To the back! JB gives us a whole laundry list of things that Mick Foley has done to Jeff Jarrett since signing on to TNA. Jarrett is at a loss, and then Sting shows up. Sting and Jarrett agree that if Sting pins Foley in the main event tag match tonight, Sting can be in the “Sacrifice” main event World title match.
To the back! Lauren interviews Angelina Love, who is somewhat terrified about being the last remaining member of The Beautiful People in the path of Awesome Kong. She takes a phone call, demanding that the person on the other end be here next week, and she doesn’t care about the Spike TV policy of no male-on-female violence. Oh, great, Cute Kip is coming back. I had hoped he was gone for good.
To the video package! Another Main Event Mafia video package. Because we’ve seen so very few of them.
Match #5: Sting, Kurt Angle, Booker T. Scott Steiner, and Kevin Nash (w/ Sharmell and Jenna Morasca) defeat Jeff Jarrett, Mick Foley, AJ Styles, Samoa Joe, and Daniels: Sting pinned Foley, and got his spot in the “Sacrifice” main event. Jarrett hitting the Pedigree on Angle was funny. Foley had his barbed wire baseball bat, which was somehow allowed when Jarrett’s guitar was not. It wasn’t a “No DQ” match, so why bother? Jarrett grabbed Foley’s bat, but Foley took it back. Jarrett hits The Stroke onto the baseball bat on Foley. Sting steals the pin on Foley, and Team Jarrett continues to argue amongst themselves. After the match, Sting announced that if he got pinned in the “Sacrifice” main event, that would be his last match. Sting retires for good if he gets pinned, then.
NOTES: I appreciate “big” matches as much as anyone. In this particular case, though, all ten guys weren’t needed. The focus was only on a few, so a 3-on-3 match would have worked perfectly well. Ten-man tags are so hard to do well, and the same criticisms leveled at X-Division “spotfests” with too many guys in them should be leveled at this match. Overall, TNA has done a very good job of setting up and pushing the ppv main event. Most of the rest of the card needs similar treatment.
Overall, this was not a bad episode of “Impact.” The major storyline was advanced considerably, and the major players looked solid. The Kong/Angelina story is moving along nicely. The Daniels-as-Suicide question and a likely X-Division feud are both intriguing and promising. Was it my dream show? No. That won’t happen until the entirety of the Main Event Mafia gets flattened by a runaway bus, and Jenna Morasca is eaten a piece at a time by rabid gila monsters. Even so, it wasn’t as bad of a show as lots of people would have you believe.
Tune in next week for more “Impact” Impressions from your Empress of “Impact!”
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