And away we go!

We open with Mike Tenay and Taz pimping the World title ppv match between Rob Van Dam and Sting.

Cue AJ Styles’s music! AJ sports a fly suit, and is flanked by Kazarian, Desmond Wolfe, and Beer Money. AJ has a mic. He points out that Ric Flair is not with them, and due to his absence, he himself will take control of the situation. Tonight, they’re in an 8-man tag team match. However, they have five guys on their team. Five doesn’t work. Four does. AJ has a solution, and tells Kazarian that he’s out. AJ and Kazarian  bicker. Cue Ric Flair’s music! My rage subsides when Jay Lethal enters, also sporting a fly suit. A dead-on impression of Flair ensues, and makes me smile. Seriously, Lethal as Flair is awesome! You have to see this to fully appreciate it. Lethal introduces his own team for tonight’s main event. First out is Abyss, minus Chelsea and with the ring. Second is Mr. Anderson, who is entirely too happy. AJ points out that they only have three people. Lethal says that Abyss counts as two. The faces rush the ring and violence ensues. The heels get the upper hand, but Jeff Hardy’s music kicks in and everybody’s favorite drug addict enters through the audience. And it’s one more for the good guys!

Brian Kendrick cuts the most bizarre promo I’ve heard in some time, and it totally works for him. Kendrick brings the crazy!

Brian Kendrick vs. Homicide: Yes! Wait, here comes Douglas Williams and his X-Division title. Williams degrades the X-Division “performing monkeys.” Kendrick absorbs a great deal of punishment from Homicide, but keeps kicking out. Williams apparently defends the X-Division title against Kendrick this Sunday at the “Slammiversary” ppv. I did not know that. Homicide tries to choke Kendrick with his wrist tape, but the referee stops him. The second attempt is successful. Kendrick gets Homicide out of the ring on the ramp, and smashes Homicide’s head into the ramp repeatedly. Homicide gets some tools from beneath the ring, settling on a screwdriver. While Homicide and the referee grapple over the screwdriver, Kendrick lands a beautiful kick to Homicide’s face and scores the three-count. A bloody-faced Kendrick grins at Williams, a fantastic visual.

Winner: Brian Kendrick

To the back! Team 3D and Ink, Inc. have to be pulled apart by security as they scream at each other. Meh.

To the ring! Jesse Neal calls out Brother Ray, as Shannon Moore tries to calm him. Ray tells Jesse that before he came to TNA, Jesse was nothing more than a failure in the Navy. Jesse explodes and attacks Ray, but security holds him back. Ray asks Moore if he has something to say. “Say it, bitch!” Moore tells Ray that he’s a bully and the biggest douchebag on the planet, and to take his puppet and leave. Ray asks Devon if he’s going to take that. Devon gives Ink, Inc. a pass, and tells Ray to get his head on straight, and leave Jesse alone. Devon leaves. Behind Devon’s back, Ray attacks Jesse, then exits up the ramp. Interesting.

To last month’s ppv! In a Spike TV exclusive, we see the “Sacrifice” footage of Sting beating the everloving daylights out of Jeff Jarrett and leaving him bloody and gushing like a teenage girl. I’m not terribly compelled to watch this again. It was not great the first time.

To the back! Eric Bischoff and Miss WhatsHerFace consult with Matt Morgan. Morgan wants to know who his tag team partner will be at “Slammiversary.” Bischoff says that the partner is with Hogan at the ramp entrance, and that Morgan won’t have to wait until Sunday. Morgan’s rematch for the Tag Team titles is next! Um, who holds the tag team titles in TNA right now? Seriously, I’ve forgotten. I just know that it isn’t the Motor City Machine Guns, so I don’t care. *pouts*

NOTE: I just remembered that the tag team champs are Scott “I’m the highest-paid member of the TNA roster at $3,000 per show” Hall and Kevin Nash.

Matt Morgan enters for the Tag Team Championship title match. Hogan comes out and completely hogs the camera with horrendous babbling. He introduces Morgan’s tag team partner. “Does ‘viva la raza’ sound familiar?” JEEBUS!!! That was Eddie Guerrero’s phrase, you ignorant bitch! Hernandez never used that phrase! Do all Mexican wrestlers blend in your head? Hernandez beats the hell out of Morgan in the ring, but none of that matters because Hogan talking about how great Hernandez is takes the focus. Morgan is laid out on a stretcher and about to be carted out, and The Band enters. Hall, Nash, and Eric Young saunter down to the ring. Young pins Morgan on the stretcher. Words do not describe how very, very much I loathe and despise this.

Winners and STILL TNA Tag Team Champions: The Band

To the back! Christy Hemme interviews RVD about his match with Sting. Sting jumps RVD from behind and beats him down. Sting steals the title belt. Oh, yay.

To the back! RVD is royally pissed off that Sting took his title belt.

Kurt Angle vs. Amazing Red: Angle says that since he faces #10-ranked Kazarian on Sunday at “Slammiversary,” and that since Kazarian is an excellent X-Division wrestler, he has invited his good friend and greatest X-Division wrestler on the planet to have a match with him, and hold nothing back. Hey, look! It’s Amazing Red! Really? Seriously? Greatest X-Division wrestler on the planet? Oh, don’t get me started on Lackluster Red and his overrated-ness. I will rant, I’m warning you. The match itself isn’t bad, but Red is sloppy, and since when have Red and Angle been friends? Angle gets the win when Red misses a top rope corkscrew moonsault. So Kurt Angle has just eaten an entire division in a few short minutes, by what was presented here.

Winner: Kurt Angle

To the back! Sting talks in a lower voice than usual, and holds up the World title belt with “Deception” painted across it. He has possession of the belt now, but on Sunday, he’ll own it. This promo was just plain weird.

I’m not dignifying the “Slammiversary” video package that drips with self-delusion and barely features any non-WWE talent with any further comment. You can’t make me. It’s MY article, so there!

AJ Styles, Beer Money, & Desmond Wolfe vs. Jay Lethal, Abyss (w/ Chelsea), Mr. Anderson, & Jeff Hardy: The Chelsea subplot does nothing for me. She wasn’t given enough time on tv to make us hate her as a character, so we can’t feel that she’s getting her just desserts now. Lethal and Roode start. Lethal dominates, and tags in Abyss. Roode is not happy. Abyss pummels Roode, but misses a corner splash. Roode tags in Storm, and double-teaming ensues. Abyss pwns them. Yes, another tag team made bitches by a single main eventer. Anderson and Storm go. Loud chants of “Mr. Asshole!” Anderson tags in Hardy. Hardy and Anderson double-team Storm briefly. Storm tags in Wolfe, and Wolfe and Hardy go. AJ tags in and takes it to Hardy. Loud chants of “Let’s go, Hardy!” AJ/Hardy could be really good by itself. AJ tags in Wolfe, who throws Hardy into Storm’s boot. Anderson tries to come in, but only succeeds in distracting the referee. The heels gang up on Hardy as Lethal tries to enter the ring as well. Beer Money has Hardy, and double-team him. Roode and Hardy now, with a sneak attack by Wolfe on Hardy from the outside. Hardy makes a tag, but referee Slick Johnson doesn’t see it due to distractions. Hardy kicks AJ off of him, and finally tags in Lethal. Lethal cleans house, but things break down, with each guy hitting a finisher on another guy. Wolfe levels Abyss with a lariat, and shouts at Chelsea to give him the steel chair. She hesitates, and Abyss flattens Wolfe with the chair. Anderson’s nose is busted open. AJ hits the Styles Clash on Lethal for the win.

Winners: AJ Styles, Desmond Wolfe, & Beer Money

To the unknown backstage place! Sting keeps calling RVD “Robby” and says that it’s all about “deception.” Um, ok.

To the back! Sting beats the hell out of RVD. RVD beats the hell out of Sting. Taz and Mike Tenay discuss what Sting might have meant by his comments recently. The commentary bores me. They fight to the ring. RVD is in control. RVD chokes Sting with Sting’s coat. I’d be taking my title belt back, personally. RVD hits a basement dropkick, then gets a chair from ringside. The chair gets shoved between the ropes, and Sting fights back. RVD hits a superkick. Sting grabs RVD by the shirt and yanks him head-first into the chair. More chairshots follow. Sting takes the title belt and drops it on RVD, telling him that it is his until Sunday.

The end.

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