“Impact” Impressions 6/11/09By Drowgoddess · · Leave a Comment
Tonight’s episode is titled “Foley Fires Up Founder.” Why do I think of the skinny little speed freak bad guy from “The Crow,” who kept yelling, “Fire it up!Fire it up?” Ah, well.
We open with not a wrestling match. Awww. Mick Foley comes to the ring, flanked by his personal security squad of Rocco and Sally Boy, who are still wearing their Main Event Mafia Security shirts. Foley says that he knew a time would come when the World Heavyweight Championship would be taken from him, but Jeff Jarrett has taken something from him that he thought would be his forever. His smile. Sometimes, hard decisions have to be made, and Foley grew up dealing with people face to face, so if someone would please get Jeff Jarrett a microphone, Foley would like the King of the Mountain to come down to the ring for a hard decision. Jarrett’s music plays, and he enters.
Foley points out that he is wearing a Jeff Jarrett t-shirt. Jarrett himself is wearing a “Slammiversary” t-shirt. Foley says that he wears this shirt out of respect for Jarrett as a man, what he has done for TNA, and his successes in the wrestling business. It’s all admirable, and it makes Foley’s decision that much more difficult. Jarrett has assaulted not only a respected TNA referee, but a senior citizen in Earl Hebner. Foley cannot allow this to slide. Jarrett is fined and suspended without pay from TNA. Jarrett is incredulous, and tells Foley that his comedy act is over right now. Foley busts out with some gibberishly “Three Stooges”-esque noises before turning snarly Cactus Jack and telling Jarrett that THAT was a comedy act. Foley berates Jarrett for assaulting Earl Hebner, and both men accuse each other of going too far. Foley says that, whether it’s done the easy way or the hard way, he’s removing Jarrett from TNA. Jarrett chooses the hard way, and is promptly beaten down by Rocco and Sally Boy when he attacks Foley. The beatdown continues as Foley starts up the ramp, but Jarrett fights back and takes both Security guys out with a steel folding chair. Foley and Jarrett continue to shout at each other as Jarrett pulls off his shirt and sits on the chair set up in the ring.
Drowgoddess Thoughts (DGT): Don West’s commentary about Earl Hebner having his jaw wired shut, not being able to speak, and no longer being able to make a living with his voice (“Have you ever heard of ‘One, two, three?'”) was fantastic. When Mike Tenay challenged him over this, he said that if Earl Hebner couldn’t say those words any longer, then he didn’t think Earl Hebner wanted to live in that world. Awesome! Jarrett’s beatdown by Rocco and Sally Boy was horrible. Those two lugs have the worst punches and kicks, and seriously need to work on their targeting as well. They’re pretty much awful. Some portions of the segment were well-done, and the escalation of the Foley/Jarrett conflict was handled nicely. Overall, though, there have been stronger segments from both guys. Foley descends into babbling and Jarrett sounds too practiced. This was a case of a good concept and mediocre execution.
To the back! Lauren interviews Team 3D. She asks why they would make the save for Beer Money last week when they are two weeks away from the Tag Team Championship title match against them at “Slammiversary.” She stares off-camera before Brother Devon answers. He says that they do have a problem with the British Invasion. They put on a tag team tournament to showcase the best teams in the business, and they even allowed those foreigners to come in and share the spotlight. What did they do? Literally bit the hand that fed them. In the U.S., if you draw first blood on Team 3D, you’ll be drowning in your own blood. Lauren continues to look off-camera with a very uncomfortable expression. Brother Ray starts to give reason number two, but he looks where Lauren is looking and says, “What, you’re worried about him?” The camera pans over to show Raven sitting on the floor, completely emotionless and staring straight ahead. Brother Ray tells Lauren that she SHOULD be worried about him, he’s crazy, but he won’t do anything right now. Lauren does not look reassured. Brother Ray continues. Team 3D has beaten respect into Beer Money, and now they are the tag team of the future. However, Team 3D is still the greatest tag team in the world, and at “Slammiversary,” they will prove it. Team 3D leaves, and Lauren hesitates a moment before running off in the opposite direction of Raven.
DGT: Raven! One of the best examples of why all characters shouldn’t have to speak (Thanks, SABUISGOD!) to communicate volumes. Literally bit the hand that fed them? When? I never saw that. Did anyone else see anyone in the British Invasion bite either Ray or Devon on the hand? Just checking. The line about finally beating respect into Beer Money makes me hope even more strongly that Beer Money’s apparent face turn will prove to be a sham at the ppv, and they’ll get back at Team 3D and win the belts.
To the locker room! Jeremy Borash wants Jeff Jarrett’s thoughts on Mick Foley’s claim that tonight, Foley will single-handedly remove Jarrett from the building. Jarrett paces at first, but controls himself. He says that he understands why Foley took the actions that he did. He lost his temper and beat the hell out of Earl Hebner, and that was unacceptable. He has apologized to Hebner repeatedly, but he is supposed to set a good example for all the guys in the company. Most of the time he does that, but he made a mistake. Jarrett was planning to leave the building of his own accord, but now, he wants Mick to try and do it his way.
Match #1: Alex Shelley (w/ Chris Sabin) and Jay Lethal (w/ Consequences Creed) defeat Team 3D: Shelley and Devon start. Don West comments that Team 3D are hypocrites because the British Invasion isn’t doing anything that Team 3D hasn’t done in the past. Shelley dodges, lands some kicks, and gets a two-count. Devon and Ray double-team Shelley, but he kicks out. Shelley and Ray go for a moment, but Shelley tags in Lethal. Ray works over Lethal’s arm. Shelley tags himself in. Surprisingly good teamwork between Shelley and Lethal. Shelley and Lethal hit simultaneous kicks on Ray and Devon, sending them to the outside. On the floor, Sabin and Creed each grab a “Brother” and hold him while Shelley and Lethal hit suicide dives. Team 3D gets out of the way, and Lethal crashes into Sabin while Shelley takes out Creed. Team 3D throw Lethal back in the ring, where he blocks an attempted 3D by holding on to the ropes. The referee is distracted by Chris Sabin climbing up on the ropes, allowing Alex Shelley to hit a low blow on Ray. Lethal tags Shelley, and they double-team choke Ray on the ropes before Lethal exits the ring. Ray tags in Devon, who cleans house. He hits a sidewalk slam on Shelley, but Shelley kicks out at 2 3/4. Team 3D sets Shelley up for the “Wazzup.” Creed and Sabin try to make the save, but Ray throws them both out of the ring, and the move connects. The British Invasion, specifically Brutus Magnus and Rob Terry, run down to the ring, but Team 3D easily knocks them off the ring. Ray goes to the outside with Rob Terry, leaving Devon and Shelley in the ring. Doug WIlliams appears from behind and (kind of) hits Devon with the “Feast or Fired” briefcase. Shelley flips over Devon and scores the pin. Beer Money does not make the save for Team 3D.
DGT: Good match. Interesting how the slightly more dominant members (Alex Shelley and Jay Lethal) of their respective tag teams scored the win tonight, and the slightly less dominant members (Chris Sabin and Consequences Creed) lost last week. Alex Shelley has new gear. It’s pretty cool. Somehow, the spiky haircut works for him. Jeebus, I so want to be a New Japan Junior Heavyweight Tag Team Championship title belt (*sigh*). Ok, where was I? Yes, we get that two tag teams who can’t stand each other are joining forces to unmask Suicide. What possible connection does that have to the match in the ring? Again, like last week, you have two teams who want to be in the tag team title picture. The match last week was against the Number One Contenders to the titles. This week’s match was against the champs. A victory over the champs tonight in a non-title match would almost guarantee a title shot down the road. Why, why, WHY would you mix-match the challenging teams under these conditions? None of this makes any sense, and no real explanation has even been attempted. None of it has anything at all to do with Suicide or the X-Division title match at “Slammiversary.” On a related note, just how weak does the British Invasion have to look? Honestly, you sneeze on one of them and they fall down. Even the jacked-up guy from Def Leppard. What’s the point of a huge guy if he can’t take a hit? Speaking of, Doug Williams barely tapped Devon with the stolen “Feast or Fired” briefcase. If you must do a run-in, make it look good. With all the attention that Tenay and West gave to the fact that Beer Money didn’t make the save for Team 3D, after Team 3D made the save for them last week, I hope against hope that the Beer Money face turn ends up being a cunning ruse.
To Mick Foley’s office! JB and Foley are surrounded by security. Foley instructs his security detail to “club him like a baby seal if you have to,” but get Jarrett out of here. Don’t let those soulful blue eyes and the luxurious mane of blonde hair fool you, Jarrett is a dangerous man, about to crack! Are youwith me?!?! Foley starts to lead them out of the office, stops, gets his title belt from his desk, and then leads them out.
To the locker room! JB runs in on Jeff Jarrett. “Angry mob, five seconds away!” Foley and his goon squad step up to Jarrett, and the definition of the word “single-handedly” is debated. Jarrett says that he’s leaving of his own accord, but he wants Mick to re-evaluate his position in TNA, and know what his real role is. Jarrett walks away. Foley shouts after Jarrett that he knows his role, he’s the World Heavyweight Champion.
To the Main Event Mafia! JB is with Scott Steiner and Booker T. Booker yells a lot of nearly incomprehensible babble in annoying voice. Yup, it’s Thursday. Steiner says that he’ll break Samoa Joe’s legs, then make him bleed.
Match #2: Samoa Joe defeats Scott Steiner and Booker T: This was a “Nation of Violence First Blood Match.” Joe had to fight Steiner first, and if Steiner made Joe bleed first, the match was over. If Joe made Steiner bleed first, Joe had to fight Booker T. The same rules applied to the Booker/Joe match. Not hard to follow. Steiner hit Joe in the head with the ring bell. No blood. Joe and Steiner throw each other into things repeatedly. No blood. Steiner goes under the ring for his trusty metal pipe. Joe stops him. Joe gets a trash can over Steiner’s head, and lays into it with the pipe as if it were a baseball bat. Over and over. When the trash can is pulled off of Steiner, his head is bleeding profusely. Joe wins. On to Booker T. Booker comes out with Sharmell. So much for no women in the MEM. Both look concerned, and share a brief kiss at the top of the ramp. Joe and Booker spend most of the match on the floor. Joe gets Steiner’s pipe again and blasts Booker with it in the gut. Booker immediately starts coughing up blood. Joe wins again.
DGT: Everyone’s complaining about how stupid it is to have a “First Blood” match with the referees carrying around white towels. Are they too stupid to just look and see blood? If you stop and think about it, it actually makes sense. Blood on a towel is indisputable evidence of the winner of the match. Just looking could be called into question. Of all the things to criticize incessantly, this really seems minor. So Booker T doesn’t have to get busted open on the outside, he can spit up blood. Hmm, apparently only certain members of the roster can be punished for not wanting to get cut open.
To the back! Lauren is with Sting and a horde of medical staff as they check on Booker T and Scott Steiner. She says that she’ll provide more information as it becomes available. Raven sits silently in the corner.
Match #3: AJ Styles defeats “The Franchise” Shane Douglas: AJ’s Legends title was not on the line here. Very little wrestling from Douglas. AJ and Douglas took turns throwing each other into the guard rail. Douglas knocked AJ down from the top rope and thre him to the outside, where he stood on AJ”s neck. Back in the ring, AJ hits a flying armbar, and DOuglas taps immediately. Post-match, Douglas throws AJ over with a belly-to-belly suplex, then stomps him. Daniels runs down to make the save, but Douglas hits him with a towel, and Daniels falls to the mat. A set of handcuffs falls out of the towel. Douglas cuffs Daniels’s wrist to the ring ropes, and stomps on AJ again. Samoa Joe rushes the ring, and Douglas bails. Joe checks on AJ.
DGT: Shane Douglas just looks bad. You can’t even call him a shell of his former self, as that would imply that he had gotten smaller. A farmer’s tan and a t-shirt to cover your gut isn’t the best look for anyone in a wrestling ring. Seriously, other people already on the roster aren’t being seen on tv because of this? I’d rather watch No Limit not get squashed than this.
To the “Slammiversary” video package! In-ring highlights of all kinds are interspersed with text such as “They are…,” “Small,” “Local,” “Independent,” “They won’t succeed,” “They can’t compete,” “They have no talent,” “They don’t get it,” and “7 years fighting.” Combined with epic-sounding music and crowd chants of “TNA,” “Slammiversary” was made to look like the most important thing they’ve ever done.
DGT: Regardless of how much hate and disdain you may personally lavish upon TNA, this was a very good video package. Particularly when one considers the show to which they are building. I enjoyed it. A great touch was putting video footage that demonstrated the opposite of what the text said. Well-done!
To the back! Lauren runs down the stairs, frantically talking on her cell phone to “Chris” to come and get her. Raven walks after her. Lauren ducks into the women’s bathroom. Raven sits up against the wall just outside the door. Screams and commotion are heard from the bathroom. Out walks Daffney, looking quite proud of herself. Lauren is shown to be rather beaten down.
To the back! Taylor Wilde has a metal pipe and trashes the backstage area looking for Daffney. She finds her. They go at it, but Daffney dodges the pipe and throws Taylor up against a metal door, screaming at her that she’s a traitor. Between the throwing and the choking, Taylor gets pretty done over. Dr. Stevie and Raven sit by, expressionless and watching. Dr. Stevie stops Daffney with a shout of “That’s enough!” in her ear. He kneels down to Taylor and very softly tells her that “That’s all the time we have for this week.” He laughs, Daffney smiles, and they leave together. Raven continues to sit, admiring his fingernails.
DGT: I love the Psycho Circus, and can’t wait to see what happens next.
To the back! JB interviews all three of The Beautiful People. Angelina Love cuts him off, demanding to know where their set is, as it looks kinda bare around here. The promoey goodness here has to be heard to be appreciated, as just writing the words down doesn’t do it justice. Suffice to say that JB agrees that “the butt must be accommodated,” Velvet Sky gives an English lesson, and Madison Rayne speaks.
To the video package! More of ODB training Cody Deaner. No. Just no.
To the back! JB catches Kurt Angle. Angle acknowledges that Samoa Joe has done everything that he claimed he would do. When Angle meets Joe, however, Joe needs to bring it, because Angle “has something for him.”
Match #4: Tara defeats Madison Rayne: The former Victoria has a spider motif to her outfit, and an awesome entrance video. Tara completely dominates the first part of the match. Madison Rayne eventually gets her in a pinning predicament, but only gets a two-count. Rayne makes several pin attempts in rapid succession, but none go longer than a two-count. Rayne misses a back senton from the top turnbuckle, and Tara lands some nice punches, followed by a suplex and a rough pin attempt. Tara does the belly-dancing shake followed by the standing moonsault, but Rayne kicks out at two. Tara hits the Widow’s Peak on Madison Rayne, and gets the win.
DGT: This was a really good match. The people who hate on women’s wrestling need to see Tara and Daffney go, then drink a nice, tall glass of shut the hell up.
To the back! JB interviews Eric Young. JB asks him what’s gotten into him. Young says that he’s tired of being abused and taken advantage of. JB says that, as a friend, he has to say that Young needs to stop feeling sorry for himself. Young slaps JB so hard that he hits the floor, and walks away.
To the back! Backstage interviewer duties have been taken over by SoCal Val, in the absence of Lauren and JB. Daniels interrupts her, grabbing the mic and issuing a challenge to Shane Douglas. Daniels wants a match between them at “Slammiversary.” If Douglas wins, he gets Daniels’s spot on the TNA roster. If Daniels wins Douglas will “get your ratty ass out of my company!”
Match #5: Kurt Angle defeats Sting: This was the last qualifying match for the “King of the Mountain” World Heavyweight Championship title match at “Slammiversary.” Sting extends his hand, and Angle shakes it. After a lengthy back-and-forth match, Angle catches Sting with three rolling German suplexes, followed by the taking down of the singlet straps. Angle goes for the Angle Slam/Olympic Slam, but Sting counters and goes for the Scorpion Deathlock. Angle counters it into the Angle Lock. Sting suffers for a long moment, but rolls out of the Angle Lock, sending Angle into the ropes. Sting plants Angle with a powerbomb. Sting goes for a pin, but Angle kicks out at two. Sting attempts the Scorpion Death Drop, but Angle shoves him into the corner. Sting dodges a shoulder block, and Angle hits the ring post. Sting plants Angle with the Scorpion Death Drop, but Matt Morgan runs down and climbs up on the ring apron. While the referee is busy with Morgan, Sting goes for the pin. Sting sees what’s going on, and walks over to Morgan, who hops down to the floor. Angle rushes Sting from behind, and when Angle throws Sting into the ropes, Morgan hits Sting in the back. Angle hits the Angle Slam/Olympic Slam and gets the win. Post-match, Morgan enters the ring, smiling and applauding. He tries to raise Angle’s hand, but Angle yanks away from him. Angle does not approve of Morgan’s actions, and shoves him. Morgan shoves Angle to the mat. Referees and security separate them as we go to black.
DGT: Does Kurt Angle want to be Randy Couture? He entered in the black t-shirt and ski cap that MMA guys often wear. I don’t personally think that will help him. The match itself was what you’d expect from these two, and they certainly got the most time out of every match tonight. Go figure. The Matt Morgan interference and Angle’s response to it makes it look like the MEM is a babyface faction. Do I even need to point out how wrong that is? Morgan may bephysically impressive, and he’s much better as a heel, but does anyone really care that much about him? The doings of the MEM should not overshadow the World title match at a major ppv. The ending pin was terrible. Aside from the fact that the Angle Slam in no way looks like it really finishes off anyone, Sting’s entire upper body and arms were free to kick out. He didn’t. It just looked bad.
FINAL THOUGHTS: I suppose this show did what it needed to do. The main event of “Slammiversary” continues to progress well. The feud between Tara and The Beautiful People is also going well, and Tara looked awesome in the ring. The Psycho Circus faction continued on their rampage, and the Raven moments were absolute gold. The “Slammiversary” video package is exactly what they needed. Eric Young continues his heelish ways. Samoa Joe annihilated two more names from his Main Event Mafia hit list, looking quite badass in the process. Chris Sabin was on tv. So why didn’t this show feel as good to watch as it looks on paper? The tag team and X-Division stuff is all thrown together in one giant mess. Sure, there can be some overlap, but separate it out. I really don’t care about the world title match. AJ and Samoa Joe aren’t likely to win it, and I don’t care anything about the other people involved. Yes, that’s purely a matterof personal taste and opinion, but I SHOULD care about the World title match. That I don’t means that something is wrong. There’s one more episode of “Impact” before the “Slammiversary” ppv. Join us here at boredwrestlingfan.com next week for all the details of the show, plus my super special “Slammiversary” predictions.
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