Grab your chips and dip, or bangers and mash, and get ready to cross the nearest line! Your Empress of “Impact,” your Girly Parts Jesus (I can still use that name, I say!), your friendly neighborhood Drowgoddess is here to lead you through the trials and tribulations (mostly for those watching) of this week’s edition of TNA “Impact.”

[Joker voice/] And here we…go!

We open with a brief recap of the “Slammiversary” ppv. Not brief enough.

Eric Bischoff announces that Scott Hall’s recent arrest and related actions have resulted in Hall’s release from TNA and The Band being stripped of the tag team titles. A short tournament of sorts will determine which team will face the Motor City Machine Guns in the tag team title match at the next ppv. YES!!!! The Guns won their Number One Contender spot to the tag team titles for the gazillionth time ages ago, and it’s about time that they didn’t have to start over.

Ink, Inc. vs. The Band: Kevin Nash and Eric Young, looking very much not happy, enter first. The story of this match is Jesse Neal being worked over by both Nash and Young for the bulk of the match. Nash tries to jack knife powerbomb Moore, but Neal spears Nash, and Ink, Inc. gets the win. Huzzah!

Winners: Ink, Inc.

Ric Flair comes out with Kazarian, AJ Styles, Desmond Wolfe, and Beer Money. He says that when he talks, the world listens. Maybe once upon a time, but not any more. We cut to a commercial break.

To the back! Chelsea begs Abyss to let her stay with him. Desmond Wolfe has abused her mentally for so long! Ah, the face turn about which no one cares, because no time was devoted to the character in question.

To the ring! Flair announces that they will reform the Four Horsemen. The group will be called Fortune. Kazarian really looks like a drug dealer. I’ve always said that he looks just like Antonio Banderas’s younger brother. Flair goes around the group and insults each one by comparing them to previous Horsemen. Wolfe in particular is referred to as the Lex Luger of fortune, thinking that he is something when he is in fact nothing. In short, Flair completely buries every guy in the ring with him. Flair then talks trash about Jay Lethal. Lethal’s music kicks in, and the man himself walks down the ramp, sporting a fine, fine suit. Lethal shouts “Woooooo!!!” and launches into a dead-on fabulous Flair impression. Lethal says that it looks like the Horsemen were here, took a dump in the ring, and they were what’s left. Awesomeness! Flair’s pathetic ramblings don’t help him at all. Lethal drops an elbow on his jacket, and matches Flair, woo for woo. “Don’t be upset because they tore old Space Mountain down.” BURN!!! Lethal continues to match Flair woo for woo, and strips down the same way that Flair has just done. Wolfe interrupts, telling Lethal to take that ghetto booty off of Space Mountain and bring it to the ring so that he can kick it. Lethal agrees to fight Wolfe. Flair tells Wolfe that if he wins tonight, he will be the first member of Fortune. If Wolfe loses, he’s finished for good. Lethal was so amazing here! You seriously just have to see it.

To the back! A nearly naked Lacey Von Erich gets a massage. With her title belt across her buttocks.

Hernandez vs. Samoa Joe: Woot! A Samoa Joe match! I’m sitting back and enjoying this one. Joe is super-over. Massive chants of “Joe’s gonna kill you!” Total power match here, with agility from Joe. While the referee checks on Joe, who was knocked to the floor by Hernandez, Matt Morgan runs down and punches Hernandez in his Super-Mex bits. Joe hits a t-bone suplex and gets the win. When Joe sees the video replay, the Samoan Submission Machine is righteously pissed. Morgan goads Joe back in the ring, but Joe and Hernandez rush Morgan at once. Morgan bails.

Winner: Samoa Joe

To the locker room! AJ approaches Wolfe, telling him that Chelsea doesn’t want to be with him anymore, and that he needs to control her. AJ reminds Wolfe that he has to beat Lethal, or he’s done.

To the back! Jeff Hardy has a three-way match with Mr. Anderson and Abyss. HArdy wonders if he can trust Anderson. Anderson turns up and chats briefly.

To the ring! Doug Williams announces that the X-Division as we know it has died.

Doug Williams vs. Max Buck: Wow, Generation Me still works here? Did anyone else notice that Gen Me was dressed and presented as a Hardy Boyz clone until Jeff Hardy showed up, and then they were never on tv anymore? Or is it just me? Anyway. This is a good match, all ground and pound and submissions from Williams and crazy high-flying ninja moves from Max Buck. Williams gets the win with a tornado DDT. Post-match, Williams assaults Buck with a cravat-style choke. Brian Kendrick rushes the ring and locks Williams in a rear naked choke, and Williams taps out all over the place. Kendrick refuses to release the hold for a very long time, and is eventually pulled off of Williams. Face turn, thy name is Brian Kendrick! It’s about freakin’ time, as the massive chants of “Brian Kendrick!” have gone on since he showed up.

Winner: Douglas Williams

To the video recap of Sting and Jeff Jarrett. I so don’t care.

Angelina Love vs. Lacey Von Erich: When WWE fires a hot chick who has already posed naked for something because she’s so utterly useless in the ring and a raging bitch to work with, that’s saying something. Angelina pwns LVE, and DDTs her onto a steel chair. LVE technically gets the win, and Angelina doesn’t care. The face turn for LVE and the heel turn for Angelina were teased again. Angelina is flat-out brutal here, and I can’t wait to see more from her.

Winner (by DQ): Lacey Von Erich

To the back! Hogan gives Lethal a positive pep talk, advising him to move away from the impressions. Uh, yeah….

To the back! Christy Hemme interviews Jeff Hardy. Mr. Anderson interrupts, and talks about people stirring the pot. He assures Hardy that they’ll take care of their business in the ring like men, and not to listen to other people. Foreshadowing, a bit?

Team 3D vs. Beer Money: The winner here faces Ink, Inc. next week to determine who gets the title shot against the MCMG at the ppv. Devon and Roode start. Power game on both sides. Not that this qualifying match for a ppv title shot really matters that much, as Tenay and Taz talk about the issues between Ink, Inc. and Team 3D, and the dissension between Ray and Devon. Storm and Ray go, and Team 3D double-teams Storm. During the match, Ink, Inc. joins the announce team on commentary. The match is pretty decent until Brother Ray notices Ink, Inc. at the table. Ray leaves the ring and attacks them. With Devon left alone in the ring, Storm spits beer in Devon’s eyes. Beer Money score the win. It’s Beer Money versus Ink, Inc. for the ppv title shot against the MCMG. I have no problem with this.

Winners: Beer Money

To the back! Desmond Wolfe rips into Chelsea.

Desmond Wolfe (w/ Chelsea) vs. Jay Lethal: The match here was completely irrelevent. Tommy Dreamer entered through the crowd and took a seat. Chelsea argued with Wolfe that he treated her badly. Granted, we’ve never actually SEEN him treat her badly on tv, but no one in TNA cares about that. Between those two distractions, Lethal scores the win. Post-match, Wolfe beats down Lethal. Flair comes out and helps in the beatdown. Hogan enters and calls out Flair, who returns to ringside. Hogan grandstands and babbles for an inordinate length of time, but makes a match between Lethal and Flair for next week.

Winner: Jay Lethal

To the ring! Jeff Jarrett is there. He calls out Sting. I so don’t care. Sting enters. I still don’t care. I’d tell you what they said, but I fell asleep after the Hogan/Bischoff kiss-up session started. Sting never spoke. Jarrett praised Hogan and Bischoff, though not by name, and we seem to have 1997 again. Next!

Mr. Anderson vs. Abyss vs. Jeff Hardy: The winner here is the #1 Contender to Rob Van Dam’s World Heavyweight title. How #2 and #3 are determined, I have no idea. Anderson and Hardy team up against Abyss at points, and Abyss retaliates by clotheslining them both at once. Hardy knocks Abyss to the floor, and Anderson stands behind Hardy, looking all evil and stuff. Instead of attacking Hardy, he goes to the outside and attacks Abyss. Hardy joins in. The bell rings. Referee Earl Hebner has the match thrown out, saying that all three men were outside the ring for longer than a ten-count. Really? REALLY??? For a match with a ppv World title shot on the line??? Abyss beats down Hardy. Abyss beats down Anderson. Lots of booing happens. Has Abyss turned heel here? And why, exactly? Abyss smashes a kendo stick over Hardy. He then pours a bag of shattered glass over the ring and slams Anderson into it. As Abyss exits up the ramp, Hardy recovers and attacks him. Abyss choke slams Hardy off the ramp. Hogan comes out, demanding to know what that was all about. Abyss shouts, “YOOOU!!!” and points at Hogan. We fade to black. 

Winner: Anyone not watching this match

That’s it for me. Be sure to check out our buddy Gee’s review of this very show at, and come back next week for more “Impact” Impressions!

Peace out,


1 Comment

  1. You know, its a shame as to what has happened to the knockout division. It is still far superior to the Diva division, but still. Only a few months ago they had some skilled, and technically capable non-model types more active. Gone are Kong, ODB, Roxxi (well she's in and out), and seemingly, Hamada.

    Great review, going to link up the other article to here as well…

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