Find the nearest line and cross it, peeps! Your Empress of “Impact,” your Girly Parts Jesus, the one who suffers through this programming so that you don’t have to, is ready to lead you. Precisely where, I have no idea. 😛

[Joker voice/] And here we … go!

Oh, rapture and extreme satisfaction. Look what we start with. The Orange Douchebag who decided that the Knockouts “can’t work,” and therefore needed to be off of tv, except for Lacey Von Erich, who just so happened to be on the disastrous Australia tour with him and Flair. In any case, the Unspeakable One babbles on at great length about the four-way World Heavyweight title match that he just made for the upcoming “Victory Road” ppv. Hmm. WWE just comes off of their “Fatal Four-Way” ppv, and now TNA announces that they’ll be having a four-way match for their World Heavyweight title at the next ppv. Draw your own conclusions, friends. The four wrestlers will be Mr. Anderson, Jeff Hardy, Abyss, and Rob Van Dam. HHHogan is mercifully interrupted by the arrival of Abyss. Abyss announces that “they” made him to what he did to everyone last week. “They” are coming, and neither Hogan, Dixie Carter, nor anyone else can stop them. “They” told Abyss that he doesn’t need Hogan anymore. Hogan wants to know who “they” are, but Abyss isn’t saying. During the loud and manufactured and coached chants of “Hogan! Hogan!” that fill the Impact Zone, Abyss says that “they” told him that he doesn’t need that stupid ring anymore. Abyss removes Hogan’s Hall of Fame ring and literally shoves it down the Orange One’s throat. YES!!! Abyss has totally redeemed himself. RVD runs down and attacks Abyss, but gets laid out. Abyss pours shattered glass on the mat. Mr. Anderson runs down and hits Abyss with a chair, but it has no effect. Abyss is left standing tall as RVD and Anderson leave. “They’re coming!!!”

Short Attention Span Theatre continues, and we get a replay of what just happened.

To the back! HHHogan talks to Eric Bischoff about Abyss. Meh. Hamada could be having a match right now. Xander loves you, Hamada!

To the locker room! Madison Rayne primps in a mirror while telling a disengaged Velvet Sky that at least Lacey Von Erich was used to laying on her back. Burn! Rayne snaps at Sky to get her head in the game, or Love would be sending Sky out on a stretcher.

Angelina Love vs. Velvet Sky: LVE is apparently hospitalized with a compressed vertebrae. Love takes it outside the ring and spears the hell out of Sky. Sky hurls Love into the stairs. Tenay and Taz ignore the match to talk about Abyss and HHHogan. Of course. Sky takes over in the ring, slamming Love’s head into the canvas. Sky is as intense as she has ever been, and all business. Love hits two bicycle kicks on Sky, and brings a steel chair into the ring. Sky claws the eyes of Love, and the chair is dropped. Sky tries to drop Love head-first onto the chair, but Love counters and DDTs Sky onto the chair. Referee Mike Posey disqualifies Love for using the chair. Love doesn’t care. Madison Rayne enters, and trash-talk is exchanged between Love and Rayne. The apparent face turn for Sky and LVE and the heel turn of Love continue. I personally wish that LVE would get future endeavored, and the evil trio of Love, Sky, and Rayne would regroup. The Beautiful People were so awesome then!

Winner (by DQ): Velvet Sky

To the locker room! Jay Lethal’s brother stops by to visit him.

To the back! Kevin Nash and Eric Young walk the hall and Nash talks about having to distance himself from Scott Hall and Sean Waltman. We need airtime for this? Hamada could be having a match right now. Xander loves you, Hamada!

To the ring! Matt Morgan, in street clothes, says that he told us so. All of us. Individually. He was walking out of “Slammiversary” as a winner. He doesn’t sweat Hernandez, never has, never will. Morgan calls out Hernandez. Taz says that Hernandez is in Mexico right now. No one enters. Hernandez sweats Morgan, according to Morgan. Morgan is really good on the mic here. He looks forward to fighting Hernandez in a steel cage. The mountain man beard is a bit odd. Morgan’s music plays, but Homicide rushes Morgan from the crowd. Morgan dodges a leap from Homicide, and lands a Carbon Footprint on Homicide against the ringpost. Jeebus! Morgan actually says that this will be a “wet dream” compared to what he does to Hernandez. Um, ok…. Now Homicide’s skull is smashed in. It was not treated as the huge deal that it was when it happened to Hernandez. Is that because Homicide is smaller, and not labeled as a future main eventer? Of course not.

To the back! AJ Styles pesters Ric Flair about a package arriving in the locker room. Flair talks down to AJ. No one cares.

Kazarian vs. Jay Lethal: Much is made of Kazarian weakening Lethal for Flair (Flair fights Lethal at “Victory Road,” so much for the great retirement), and Kazarian’s possible acceptance as the first member of Flair’s “Fortune.” Kazarian dominates Lethal, shouting, “That’s for Ric, you stupid bastard!” More Kazarian dominance, landing kicks on Lethal and dropping him across the ropes. The match is made irrelevent, as we go to split screen, and see Ric Flair and AJ Styles beating the hell out of Jay Lethal’s brother. Flair slaps Jay Lethal’s Brother (remember Ken Shamrock’s Sister?) with such pathetic and weak slaps that I’ve seen junior high kids do more damage. Kazarian tries such tactics as feet on the ropes and a low blow, but Lethal refuses to stay down. Kazarian scores a 2 7/8 count, but Lethal hits the Lethal Injection and gets the win. Post-match, Flair shouts and babbles on the video monitor as he and Styles continue beating down Jay Lethal’s Brother.

Winner: Jay Lethal

To the back! Jeff Jarrett prepares to enter and get revenge on Sting. Somehow.

Jeff Jarrett vs. Sting: Jarrett enters. Sting does not. The spotlight catches Sting up in the rafters. Jarrett takes off after Sting. Sting meets Jarrett on the stairs. They fight. While they’re making their way back to the ring, Sting waits in the ring in the corner. Huh? Jarrett drags fake Sting into the ring and throws punches on him in the corner. Real Sting chokes Jarrett from behind with the baseball bat. Sting whacks Jarrett in the knees with the bat. Somewhere, Tonya Harding smiles. I have sooo dated myself with that joke. Everyone is cheering Sting for beating the hell out of Jarrett. Sting kneels over a prone Jarrett, shouting, “If you’re gonna stand with them, you’re gonna go down with them!” This may be the point where I’m supposed to be intrigued, and impressed at the mystery, and forced to think for myself about what this could possibly mean instead of being told what to think. I simply don’t care.

Winner: N/A

To the video recap! The Desmond Wolfe/Kurt Angle feud plays out. I will never forgive TNA for screwing that one up! A very pouty Chelsea accompanies Wolfe to ringside, but quickly departs. This may well be the only good match of the night, so allow me to sit back and enjoy it. Note to TNA: A match between Kurt Angle and Desmond Wolfe should NOT be interrupted by focusing too much on the Wolfe/Chelsea split. LOVE Wolfe’s hammerlock DDT on Angle. Tower of London countered into an Angle Slam. Nice! Wolfe taps out to the Angle Lock, and Chelsea smiles. Angle holds up eight fingers. The Pope is next! Yup, the guy who has been out injured for weeks and weeks, and not given so much as a promo. That guy.

Winner: Kurt Angle

To the back! Mr. Anderson talks about fighting Abyss later tonight.

To the video recap! Douglas Williams and his war against the high-fliers of the X-Division is gold! Williams calls out Brian Kendrick, and offers him a lesson in professionalism that he won’t soon forget. Kendrick enters, in street clothes, and asks for a mic. You seriously have to watch this exchange, writing about it doesn’t do it justice. Kendrick is super over, with massive chants of “Brian Kendrick!” Kendrick says that he has spoken with the people in charge, and that, at “Victory Road,” the X-Division title will be up for grabs between them. YES! There will be two stipulations. Because Williams is the high-flying, risk-taking, acrobatic daredevil that he is, the match will be an Ultimate X match. YES!! For Kendrick himself, the match can also end in a submission. YES!!! Kendrick’s destiny is the X-Division title. Williams says that they should both walk away, and conclude their affairs at “Victory Road.” Williams tries to attack Kendrick from behind, but Kendrick counters with a Cobra Clutch and Williams can’t escape. I love Kendrick’s use of submissions, but could he please do something that could be considered more of his own move? The two holds that he’s used so far are so closely associated with Samoa Joe that it would just look better to do something else. In any case, we get Brian Kendrick versus Douglas Williams at the ppv in an Ultimate X match that can also end in submission for the X-Division title! Holla!!!

To the back! Abyss talks about “them” and destroying things.

To the back! Shannon Moore is beating down Brother Ray. Ray starts to get the upper hand, and security pulls Moore away. Brother Devon grabs Ray and shouts at him to stop making a fool of him. Leave that boy alone. “I swear on our father’s grave, do NOT test me!” Nice!

Beer Money vs. Ink, Inc.: This match determines which team faces the Motor City Machine Guns at “Victory Road” for the tag team titles. Shannon Moore enters alone, with no idea of where Jesse Neal is. Moore fights Beer Money alone. On commentary are the Motor City Machine Guns! Oh, you so have to hear this. Tommy Dreamer, Stevie Richards, and Raven enter and sit in the front row. Nice! Jesse Neal eventually enters, clearly beaten up badly, and proper tag team action ensues. James Storm spits beer in Jesse Neal’s eyes, and Beer Money double-teams him for the win. The MCMG talk trash at Beer Money, and all is right with the world.

Winners: Beer Money

To the back! AJ Styles and Kazarian squabble. AJ finally gets his package, and it’s his new TNA action figure! At least he has one! Kazarian doesn’t. Gotta love Kazarian’s line of “That can’t be your package, it’s too small!” Burn!

Abyss vs. Mr. Anderson: This is a “no DQ” match. Chair use from both guys. Anderson puts the chair in the corner turnbuckle and tries to throw Abyss into it. Abyss counters and throws Anderson, but Anderson slides out of the ring and hides under it. Abyss goes looking for him. Anderson crawls out from under the ring with a kendo stick, and makes full use of it. Abyss eventually dodges a kendo stick strike, and Anderson hits the ringpost. This causes him to drop the kendo stick, and Abyss takes over. Anderson is thrown into the side of the ramp. Anderson tries Jeff Hardy’s Swanton Bomb, but fails to connect. Abyss hits the Shock Treatment on Anderson in the ring and gets the win. Post-match, Anderson crawls up the ramp, stalked by Abyss. Abyss goes for a choke slam from the entrance ramp. Anderson counters and attempts a Mic Check from the top of the ramp. Abyss counters and successfully choke slams Anderson from the top of the entrance ramp through a table on the floor. Post-match, HHHOgan comes out with a chair, and hits Abyss with it. Abyss pulls a Hogan and totally no-sells it. Security comes out to separate them. Abyss punches each in the head, and we’re left with HHHogan and Abyss as we fade to black.

Winner: Abyss

That’s it for me, all. Between the tag team championship match with Beer Money and the Motor City Machine Guns, and the Ultimate X match for the X-Division title between Brian Kendrick and Douglas Williams, “Victory Road” may not be a bad show after all. I shall keep you posted!

Don’t forget to check out the “Impact” review from our BWF buddy Gee, located at Tell ’em that Drowgoddes sent ya.

Peace out,


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