“Impact” Impressions 7/9/09By Drowgoddess · · 2 Comments
Greetings, fellow line-crossers!
Opening Promo: Mick Foley comes to the ring and says that TNA needs a single decision maker rather than two, andthat one person needs to step down from that position. Jeff Jarrett comes to the ring and talks up Foley’s abilityand status as a legend before pointing out how Foley put the company in jeopardy by chasing the World Heavyweight title. If the Main Event Mafia gets all the gold at “Victory Road,” TNA may not make it. Foley says that he has to prove that he can win the TNA title from Kurt Angle for all the right reasons, unlike last time. He goes on to make a main event match of Kurt Angle against Jeff Jarrett, non-title. Jarrett tweaks the match by adding Foley and making it a three-way dance. Foley wants a special guest referee so that it doesn’t look like he and Jarrett are teaming up against Angle, and Angle will get to choose who the referee is. Jarrett agrees, but says that it can’t be anyone in the Main Event Mafia or Matt Morgan.
Drowgoddess Thoughts (DGT): Did anyone else notice that at no point did Foley ever agree that he would be the one person to give up his decision-making power? He just said that someone should. This could come back to bite Jarrett. A solid segment until they got to the part where the main event match was being made. That felt awkward.
To the back! Lauren interviews the British Invasion. Doug Williams claims that they are all about giving opportunities to others. It’s the British Way. Brutus Magnus refers to Doug Williams as his hero and the ambassador of British professional wrestling. Rob Terry has the best body in the business. He (Brutus Magnus) is the best pure athlete in the company. They are here to make big money and a name for themselves, and they don’t like American wrestling fans. They aren’t here to cater to the American fans like Blubber Ray and Brother Devonshire Custard.
DGT: I’m in the minority amongst the BWF staff, but I’m enjoying the British Invasion. Brutus Magnus is a pretty decent talker, and if his content this week was somewhat generic, so what? It could have been much, much worse.
Match #1: Homicide defeats Doug Williams: This was a ladder match for possession of the X-Division title shot “Feast or Fired” briefcase that the British Invasion stole from Homicide after beating him down. Team 3D runs down to the ring and grabs Doug Williams when he tries to get back in the ring, allowing Homicide to climb the ladder and get the case.
DGT: Shortest. Ladder. Match. Ever. What a waste! Ladder matches are supposed to be special, and the audience has been completely desensitized to them now because they’re thrown out on free tv with no build, no announcement, and no time. Mike Tenay and Don West killed Homicide’s return. He was announced in the ordinary way, as though he had always been there. No excitement, no “OMG, it’s Homicide! He’s back!” Perfectly calm and flat voices. Additionally, there are times when telling the fans what happened in really real life is a bad idea. This was one of those times. LAX was beaten down by the British Invasion, and their “Feast or Fired” briefcases stolen. Why, why WHY not just sell that the Brits took out LAX? That Homicide’s father died has no bearing at all on what’s happening on tv, and doesn’t help the situation at all. Hernandez’s neck surgery wasn’t even attributed to the British Invasion’s beatdown. This ties in to the mistaken idea that some people have that all wrestling fans spend every minute of the day scouring internet sites (like this one!) for news, and that everyone knows what happens in real life. Bad decision all around.
To the Mike Tenay sit-down interview! Suicide speaks. Tenay reads the lyrics to Suicide’s enatrance music, which were apparently written by Suicide himself. What do these lyrics mean? Aren’t they dark and disturbing? “I was dead.” “I am the Dark Savior.” Something about how Suicide was not the end, it was the beginning.
DGT: Some characters should not talk. Suicide is one of them. This is not just because the lyrics Tenay read were the sort of thing that a high school sophomore emo kid writes and thinks is deeply profound. I used to work at the Texas Renaissance Festival, and the year that the fairies were forced to speak in a comprehensible language was the year that killed off the magic. This is a similar case. As an adult with functional brain cells, I understand where TNA was going with the interview, but considering how heavily the Suicide character seems to cater to kids, all the imagery of death might not have been the best idea.
To the ring! Sting comes to the ring with Kurt Angle’s World Heavyweight title in tow. He calls out Samoa Joe. Joe comes to the ring, looking completely bored. Sting says that the MEM was formed because of guys like Joe, who are responsible for the sorry state of the wrestling business today because they want everything handed to them with no work or sacrifices. Joe took a big payout, which makes him a sell-out. Sting doesn’t need four guys backing him up, and he wants to know who is pulling Joe’s strings. Joe tells Sting that he’ll find out at “Victory Road.” Joe tries to walk away. Sting is not satisfied with this answer. Joe tells Sting that he’s lucky that Joe has been instructed to keep his temper in check, and that, for the last time, he will find out who Joe’s advisor is at “Victory Road.”
DGT: I had hoped that Joe would remind Sting of “Victory Road” one year ago, when Sting interfered in Joe’s match against Booker T. He did not. A record number of “Joe”s by Sting. Someone should remind Sting that shouting is not acting. Joe’s quiet intensity, coupled with the bored expression, is working for me.
To the back! Lauren interviews Jenna Morasca. Morasca has a gazillion dollars, and could buy Sharmell with the cash in her pocket right now. She bought her own trainer to get her ready for the ppv match. It’s Awesome Kong and Raisha Saeed, who choose that very moment to enter the picture.
DGT: Garbage. Pointless, stupid, completely waste of time garbage. Nobody knows who this woman is. She is not and has never been a trained wrestler or athlete of any kind. Awesome Kong and Raisha Saeed are so very much better than this. Is Survivor Skank a face now because of an alliance with Kong? Are Kong and Saeed heels again because they’re mercenaries? The Main Event Mafia’s sugar mama gets a ppv match while Daffney isn’t even on the card? Blasphemy!
Match #2: Beer Money defeats the Motor City Machine Guns: This was a non-title match. Scott Steiner and Booker T come to the announce table prior to the match for commentary, which was apparently much more important than the actual match in the ring. Booker T babbled non-stop for the ENTIRE match. Robert Roode and Chris Sabin start the match. James Storm tags in, and when Sabin goes for an armdrag, Storm pulls away. Storm then gets the crowd chanting “You suck!” at the future Mr. Drowgoddess. Sabin slaps Storm, and gets a punch to the face in return. They fight to the outside, where Alex Shelley leaps off the apron with knees to Storm’s chest, sending him into the barricade. Good double team work from the Guns. Roode knocks Storm out of the way, and the Guns collide. Roode throws Storm into their corner with a hip toss and makes the tag to get himself legal. Nice! All four guys hit the ring at once. Beer Money hit the DWI (Drinking While Investing) on Alex Shelley for the win after Chris Sabin got superkicked to the floor by James Storm.
DGT: This was horrible. Insulting to the highest degree. It wasn’t funny and it wasn’t entertaining. The match didn’t even matter here. Beer Money and the MCMG have had really good matches before (the strap match last year from Beer Money’s previous tag team title reign comes to mind), so their collective ability isn’t in question. Honestly, if you watch the guys in the match, they seemed to know that what they were doing didn’t matter. Some of you love Booker T and Scott Steiner on commentary. I don’t and never have, but that’s as may be. However, even if you go for the “Chet Lemon and Black Snow” bit, guest heel commentators cease to be entertaining when they distract so completely from the match that you couldn’t pay attention to it if you tried. Disgusting. If you want an example of how this is done properly, check out CM Punk.
To the back! As the Beautiful People walk towards the ring, Angelina Love carries on about fearing spiders.Velvet Sky gets in her face and reminds her that it was Velvet who had the spider put on her while Angelina bailed. It’s always about Angelina! If Angelina doesn’t have Velvet’s back tonight, they’re through for good.
DGT: Aw, come on! Don’t break up The Beautiful People! Sure, dramatic tension is great, but the whole is greater than the sum of its parts here.
To the video package! Sarita debuts next week. Yaaay!!!
Match #3: Tara defeats Velvet Sky (w/ Angelina Love and Madison Rayne): Velvet actually got in a lot of decent offense. Tara dropped her with the Widow’s Peak for the win. Good match. Tara goes to place the tarantula on Velvet Sky, but Angelina Love grabs the mic and screams at her to stop. If Tara wants some, she can come get some. Right now. Tara agrees, but only if Angelina puts the Knockouts title on the line. Right now. Angelina has no choice but to agree.
DGT: Velvet demonstrated more in-ring skill than she has before, which is to say, still not much, but she’s improving. Notice how Angelina did not physically try to stop Tara, and seemed very indecisive about stopping her at all? Nice touch. Good call to go to commercial break just after Angelina agrees to Tara’s title challenge, and come back as the match starts.
Match #4: Tara defeats Angelina Love for the Knockouts title: Short, but fast-paced. More good action. Tara drops Angelina with the Widow’s Peak to win the Knockouts championship!
DGT: Tara should be Knockouts champion. Just not yet. Why rush putting the belt on her? Sure, titles can and should change hands on free tv, but this really felt like someone jumped the gun.
To the back! Lauren interviews Tara as she makes her way backstage. Tara is thrilled and excited, and thanks everyone, including Poison. That’s the tarantula’s name.
DGT: Poison? That’s honestly the best name for the spider that anyone could come up with?
To the video footage! Abyss goes to Dr. Stevie’s office, screaming and trashing the place. When he actually gets in, he threatens to kill Dr. Stevie. He hits the floor after the water given to him by Dr. Stevie turns out to contain a paralyzing agent. Dr. Stevie continues to slap Abyss and break a glass over his head as he lays there.
DGT: I need drugs after watching this. Really, really bad.
Match #5: Daniels and AJ Styles defeat Matt Morgan and Kevin Nash: Nash stood on the apron and watched Morgan for most of the match. Supposedly he was checking out what Morgan could do for his consideration as a MEMber. Nice cover. Good match if you ignore Nash. Great ending segment where Morgan picks up AJ for a chokeslam, and AJ summersaults in midair to land on his feet. Awesome! AJ hits a Pele kick on Morgan, and Daniels follows up with the Best Moonsault Ever. AJ hits his version of the frogsplash on Morgan for the win. Post-match, Nash and Morgan jump AJ and Daniels from behind. Morgan puts Daniels’s leg in a folding chair and stomps on it, severely damaging the ankle.
DGT: What was that ridiculous cloak that Matt Morgan was wearing? The one with the DNA sequences on it. It’s far too short for him, and when he tried to throw it off, it just looked silly. Daniels having an injured ankle going into his ppv match against Morgan does add to the drama, but these two really didn’t click in the ring. Daniels is nine shades of awesome, and hopefully he can pull something good out of Morgan in two weeks. Morgan’s not bad, but he can only get better through working with Daniels and AJ.
To the back! Lauren attempts to interview Samoa Joe, but can’t find him. A luxury car pulls up, and a figure with a black towel covering his head steps out from the wall. The figure leans in to see who the driver is, and suddenly throws back the towel. It’s Sting! Samoa Joe and his “tribal knife” are not far behind, and Joe attacks Sting, putting the knife to his throat.
DGT: Sting is on a mission from God! In other news, the knife is back.
Match #6: Kurt Angle defeats Mick Foley and Jeff Jarrett: Eric Young was the special referee. Scott Steiner sneaks to ringside and lays out Foley with a shot from his metal pipe. Late in the match, Jarrett gets Angle in the Figure Four, but Foley breaks it up before a submission. Angle slaps the Angle Lock on Foley, and Eric Young calls for the bell, despite no submission from Foley. Jarrett chases Young to the back with a steel chair. Post-match, Foley puts Angle in the Mandible Claw, but Samoa Joe rushges the ring and hits Foley with Angle’s World Heavyweight title that he has taken back from Sting. Joe returns the belt to Angle. Main Event Mafia beatdown at the end with a barbed-wire-wrapped baseball bat, among other things.
DGT: No surprise here that Angle wins. Scott Steiner is not a man who should be able to sneak! He’s not ninja! The pinstripes on his gear and all the rose imagery in his entrance video do not look nearly as cool as Angle seems to think they do. The Eric Young/Jeff Jarrett escalation wasn’t as bad as some people are saying, and fit in nicely with what came before it. TNA’s main events have been pretty weak as of late, and this was no exception.
FINAL THOUGHTS: There’s something to be said for the “You never know what you’re going to see, so tune in” school of thought. Used in moderation, it can be very effective. TNA has relied on it far too much lately. Some of these matches should be promoted in advance. Where was Daffney? I’m really looking forward to Sarita’s debut next week. Tara should be the Knockouts champion, but it just feels too soon. If the only reason that she has the belt is to break up The Beautiful People, I’ll spit in someone’s eye. Just some random person, doesn’t matter who. So much for a rebirth of the X-Division. Liars. You just told me what I wanted to hear. Story of my life…. Honestly, what has to happen for the Motor City Machine Guns to get a legitimate and sustained tag team title push? Can someone throw Jenna Morasca under a bus? Right now, this is no alternative. Too much focus on story and not enough on wrestling. Just like that other company. Ah, well.
Check back with us right here at boredwrestlingfan.com for reviews of “Smackdown” and “Superstars,” ThinkSoJoe’s Thoughts, and the super-mega-ultra-popular JT’s Random Randomness!
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