R.I.P. Luna Vachon.

To the ring! Dixie Carter enters, music and video and all. Did she not insist once upon a time that she would not be an on-air character? Promises, promises. Dixie says that one person will not be allowed to take down the company. There have been good times and not-so-good times in TNA. Really? Thanks, Captain Obvious. Dixie calls out Ric Flair, who enters the ring. Flair proceeds to hit on Dixie and offer to go back to a hotel room and settle this like adults. Dixie suspends Flair, but not Fortune, for 90 days without pay. Flair takes exception to this, and orders Fortune to join him. They do. The men close in around Dixie, and her husband, Serge Salinas, tries to make the save. It really looked like a fan tried to rush the ring, as his face wasn’t visible to the camera and he was immediately held down by members of Fortune and then beaten. That part was the only good part of the segment. A man SHOULD try to save his wife when she’s being borderline-molested and physically threatened. A group of professional wrestlers SHOULD be able to completely dominate a non-wrestler, regardless of circumstances. Of course, no segment is complete without the Orange One taking center stage, and the music of HHHogan hits. It’s HHHogan, Jeff Hardy, Mr. Anderson, and “The Pope” D’Angelo Dinero to the rescue! HHHogan announces that he and Dixie ran this company together, and that he was overriding her decision regarding Flair. That would just be too easy, brother. Flair is NOT suspended for 90 days without pay. EV 2.o runs down and attacks Fortune after HHHogan makes a four-on-four match between the guys with him and Fortune.

RANT: I loathe and despise Vince McMahon. He’s a horrible human being. Stephanie McMahon ranks only slightly below her daddy on the despicability scale, and should follow Michelle McCool through the wood chipper. That being said, the McMahons know power. They radiate it, know how to use it, and treat it as though it’s their collective birthright, which it is (in WWE-land). Segments like these, whether on tv, ppv, radio, or internet, demonstrate just how weak, pathetic, and ineffective Dixie Carter is at portraying a leader. Everything about her, from her facial expressions to her choice of words to her physicality to her vocal delivery screams “frustrated middle school teacher” when she SHOULD be a decisive, commanding, “iron fist in a silk glove” authority figure. She isn’t. She can’t even issue an order without seeming apologetic about it, as though she is afraid to hurt anyone’s feelings. Imagine Vince allowing a business partner to publicly override his decisions. Exactly. Stephanie can switch between “Billion Dollar Princess” and Businesswoman Bitch” at the drop of a hat. Can you see her allowing Flair and company to do and say what they did to Dixie? Absolutely not! All this segment did was put focus on HHHogan and Flair, and make everyone else, including Dixie, their personal bitches. That’s precisely what we need in 2010.

Orlando Jordan vs. Samoa Joe: Joe seems to be off his month-long suspension for doing much less than Kevin Nash, Scott Hall, or Booker T ever did. Jordan wore a Samoa Joe action figure on a string around his neck to the ring, and used said action figure as a lollipop and a loofah. He again attempted to share his gropiness with SoCal Val, who was repulsed by the whole thing. As are we all. Honestly, just let the man wrestle! He’s not a bad wrestler, and the fact that he happens to be openly bi-sexual or gay or whatever he truly is should NOT be his only gimmick just because promoters think it’s edgy, controversial, or heat-garnering. Jordan isn’t getting heel heat, he’s getting homophobic heat, and we should be past that. Joe squashes Jordan, and we have our Samoan Submission Machine back. Post-match, Jeff Jarrett comes down and asks Joe to be in his corner when he fights Kevin Nash next. Nash will likely have Sting in his corner. Joe says that he doesn’t take sides, as he is only on his own side. Joe walks out, leaving Jarrett on his own.

Winner: Samoa Joe

Jeff Jarrett vs. Kevin Nash: Whoopee! I’ve waited all week to watch these two guys wrestle! Then I sobered up. This match was short, about five minutes, and I didn’t care. Nash gets the win after Sting hits Jarrett with his baseball bat. Sting wore the red Wolfpac face paint, by the way. Is there any reason why this is compelling? Post-match, Nash and Sting beat Jarrett some more. HHHogan’s music plays, and Eric Bischoff enters. Sting demands HHHogan. Bischoff babbles long enough to distract Sting so that HHHogan can sneak into the ring and smash a steel chair across Sting’s back. You know, the same guy who just had back surgery is now going all ninja-stealth and hitting people with chairs. A staredown between the Orange One and Sting ends this segment.

Winner: Kevin Nash

To the back! A fully-recovered Orange One tells Tommy Dreamer to leave Fortune alone, but take out Abyss. Dreamer agrees.

Beer Money vs. the FBI (Guido Maritato and Tony Luke): Total decimation by Beer Money here. This particular combination of the FBI can still go, and would be a solid addition to the tag team division. Tony (Mama)Luke can sell like a cartoon character! I hadn’t watched him wrestle in a long time, so I had forgotten how he honestly looks like he’s been killed in every match he has. SOMEBODY in Fortune needs to look strong and win matches in decisive fashion, but absolutely annihilating the only guys in EV 2.o who can go in the ring may not have been the best idea.

Winners: Beer Money

To the back! Tommy Dreamer tells EV 2.0 about HHHogan’s orders to leave Fortune alone and destroy Abyss. Stevie Richards volunteers. Uh, guys? Why don’t all of you do it? Strength in numbers? Diabolical minds and plots? Hello? *sigh*

To the ring! The second-greatest thing tonight happens when the original Beautiful People and their original entrance grace my tv. I was a huge fan of the Angelina Love/Velvet Sky combination (not in THAT way, you sick freak!), and watching them together again made me realize just how much I (and the wrestling world) missed them. Love and Sky agree to let past differences go, reunite as BFFs, and deal with the monster that they created in Madison Rayne. Rayne enters to the same Beautiful People music, and her giant-helmet-headed bodyguard follows her. Rayne threatens Love and Sky with legal action, insisting that they will never come out to “her” music again and they will never be allowed to use the name “The Beautiful People.” It’s just the perfect level of petty, bitchy, high-pitched shrieking and screeching that one can’t help but laugh. Rayne was more entertaining in this one segment than any WWE Diva has been in the past year. Rayne claimed to be “all-natural,” unlike “you two silicone whores!” I choked on my juice at that one. Watch it, the delivery here was priceless. All four woman fight each other, and security tries (sort of) to break them up. The Gunner and Murphy security guys are among them, and they looked more interested in grabbing on the women than in truly stopping the brawl. Loud chants of “Let them fight!” went unheeded. Really fun segment.

To the back! Alex Shelley and Chris Sabin are playing Green Day “Rock Band,” which, as Shelley says, is one of the many perks of being a champion, you get stuff for free on the day it comes out. Being the Guns, this was funnier than it sounds like on paper. Shelley and Sabin discuss the teams coming after their belts, but first, they’re going to relax and play a little “Rock Star” before their match. Another really fun segment.

To the mall! Magnus has brought his tag team partner, Desmond Wolfe, and a still-reluctant Chelsea out shopping for new clothes, as befit the new Number One Contenders to the Tag Team Championship titles. WHAT??? Slow down! It seems that Desmond Wolfe and Magnus are now a tag team. They have not wrestled one match on “Impact.” They have had no promo, segment, or video package time on “Impact.” They HAVE, however, defeated Ink, Inc. in a match on X-plosion, and this, apparently, gives them a tag team title match against the MCMG at the upcoming “No Surrender” ppv. Look, Wolfe and Magnus will make a great team. I’d rather see them tagging than released because no one has any ideas for them. Matches between them and the MCMG could be really great. Magnus has become quite the talker, and a promo war between him and Alex Shelley could be amazing! However, that Desmond Wolfe, who debuted by beating the living hell out of Kurt Angle repeatedly, is shunted off into a makeshift tag team who only gets tv time on X-plosion proves the theory that the HHHogan/Bischoff brigade finds him to small, too British, and too non-WWE to bother with. Disgraceful. In any case, Chelsea and Desmond Wolfe continue to bicker. Frankly, it’s a waste. TNA didn’t spend enough time on Chelsea to make the fans care about her before having her decide that Wolfe was abusing her and that she’d rather stay with Abyss. She’s with a couple of high-rollers, and would be much better suited to playing up the Victoria Beckham type. “What Chelsea wants, Chelsea gets” was a great line, and they should drop this whole “couple who hates each other” bit. Magnus announces that he has had the store closed so that no one bothers them while they shop for new clothes. He pulls out a black credit card and mentions in passing that it has no limit. He passes it around to Wolfe and Chelsea, but Chelsea does not return the card. As the guys walk ahead and talk, she looks at the card ans smiles. “No limit, huh?” She heads off toward a different store. This is the third fun segment in a row! This one actually reminded me of Raven and Kanyon going shopping for clothes and cars. Yeah.

Generation Me vs. the Motor City Machine Guns: This was a non-title match, and by far the best of the night. If you’ve seen these two teams fight in PWG, you already know what to expect. If you haven’t, check it out, it’s amazing. Double-teams, reversals, and crazy spots galore! One of the Bucks (Jeremy, I think), hit a top rope bulldog on the future Mr. Drowgoddess that absolutely spiked Chris Sabin on his head! It looked brutal. The speed of this match made calling sequences difficult, and like the rest of you, I just wanted to enjoy the gloriousness of it all. If that wasn’t a word before, it is now. A Gen Me attempt at a 450 Splash goes awry when Sabin brings his knees up. I think this was Max. Sabin holds Max’s arms in place while Jeremy (not seeing that his brother is trapped) continues his part of the More Bang for Your Buck and hits his own brother. Alex Shelley follows up with a top rope foot stomp. It’s only then that Sabin releases Max. The Guns hit their finisher (whose name I don’t know) for the win. Those who criticize fast pacing and an abundance of spots need to remember three things. Thing #1: Generation Me has barely had any tv time at all, and this is how they need to establish themselves to the audience. Every match isn’t going to be a masterpiece of psychology. Thing #2: Spots do not equal bad wrestling. Thing #3: This match was the most excited and interested that the audience was all night. Isn’t that the point? Post-match, the MCMG raised the arms of Generation Me, and mutual respect flourished. Yay, sportsmanship!

Winners: the Motor City Machine Guns

More ranting and babbling from Mumm-Ra the Ever-living. Ric Flair is NOT the only good thing about TNA, and everything that comes out of his mouth is not gold. Sting sneaks up on Flair from behind, choking him with the baseball bat. Sting says that when he and Nash finish taking care of the real problem in TNA, they’ll be coming after Fortune. Oh, lovely. Because the Main Event Mafia versus the TNA originals worked so very well….

To the back! Stevie Richards beats down Abyss. Abyss recovers and beats down Stevie Richards. Don’t say that I didn’t tell you so, EV 2.0. That numbers game would have really helped here.

To the ring! Rhino calls out Abyss. Hang on, so Rhino will stand there and watch Abyss destroy Stevie Richards, and then call him out in a separate fight? Sheesh. They brawl all over the Impact Zone. Rhino lands a Gore and leaves, semi-victoriously. Ok….

Mr. Anderson, “The Pope” D’Angelo Dinero, Jeff Hardy, and Kurt Angle vs. Fortune (Kazarian, AJ Styles, Matt Morgan and Doug Williams) w/ Ric Flair: Mike Tenay and Taz repeatedly refer to Matt Morgan as Fortune’s “insurance policy.” Does that mean that he can be summoned by a person singing “And like a good neighbor, Matt Morgan’s there?” That would be AWESOME! Someone should summon him when he’s waxing his eyebrows or something. It’s gold, I say! Fortune makes lots of quick tags, but Pope gets the first cover on AJ. It’s only a two-count. Hardy gets tagged in, and after a distraction by AJ, gets beaten down by both Morgan and AJ. Hardy is thrown to the floor where Mumm-Ra the Ever-Living kicks him in the balls. It’s ok, his girlfriend is already pregnant. What? Too soon? Angle eventually tags in, and the whole thing breaks down into one giant brawl. Some semblance of order is restored, and Angle drops Kazarian with an Angle Slam. Pope tags himself in and pins Kazarian for the win. Pope and Angle fight afterward. Fortune attacks everyone. EV 2.0 runs down and attacks Fortune. Doug Williams goes through a table, courtesy of Sabu. Mumm-Ra the Ever-Living looks apoplectic and Mick Foley rather pleased with events as the show ends.

Winners: Kurt Angle, “The Pope” D’Angelo Dinero, Mr. Anderson, and Jeff Hardy

FINAL THOUGHTS: Many, perhaps most of you, will disagree with me, but Fortune is not what it needs to be, and it’s entirely because of Ric Flair. Pretend that you know nothing about my general anti-Flair stance, or simply disregard it for a few moments, and take a look at how the group has functioned. Flair announces his formation of the group by completely burying them in comparison to the Four Horsemen. Every guy in Fortune is so cowed by Flair and overwhelmed by the desire to impress him that Flair’s opinion means everything. Flair dominates everything that Fortune does. Nothing is about them, everything is about him. A group of guys who had been in TNA for a long time, who saw themselves as true champions, who felt that they had been shoved aside in the company that they had helped create in favor of washed-up has-beens from other companies, could have formed without the sort of leader that Flair is. What, none of the guys in Fortune were smart enough to join forces and focus their frustrations on EV 2.0 without Flair? Perhaps things would be different if the point really seemed to be giving the spotlight to Fortune and Flair just being associated with them, but Fortune almost doesn’t matter. Who does this help in terms of TNA’s long-term future? That’s what I thought.

Peace out,


Check out our comrade G’s “Impact” review here:


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