“Impact” Impressions 8/6/09By Drowgoddess · · 3 Comments
It’s chaotic! It’s crazy! It’s RAW!
No. No, it isn’t. You’ve suffered enough if you watched that this week. What did happen, you ask? Cross the line with your Empress of “Impact” and find out!
We open with the Main Event Mafia coming to the ring. Traci and Jenna are buddies now. Hmm, no tension whatsoever between Jenna and Sharmell. Kurt Angle complains about Mick Foley and Lashley and Sting collaborating to steal the Legends title from Kevin Nash. Nash just doesn’t look terribly bothered. Angle goes on to say that the TNA Board of Directors agrees with him. The match decision will stand on one condition – Kevin Nash gets another shot at the Legends title against Mick Foley at “Hard Justice.” Sting, Foley, and Lashley are desperate men who refuse to follow the rules, so Angle has been forced to strike a deal. World Elite comes to the ring. Eric Young has new trunks and a nearly-shaved head. He praises the MEM, and says that if the filthy, disgusting American fans had treated World Elite like the stars that they are, none of this would ever have been necessary. “Let the cleansing begin.” Isn’t that The Beautiful People’s line?
Drowgoddess Thoughts (DGT): A ppv title match between Nash and Foley. Great. Two near-cripples who can barely walk, let alone wrestle, and the entire X-Division gets thrown in the “Steel Asylum” because no one bothered to think of anything for them to do. Enjoy the payday, Nash. Hopefully it will be your last.
To the back! Jeremy Borash tries to get Mick Foley’s reaction to what just happened. Sting shows up, bat in hand, and tells Foley that it’s Showtime. Sting, Foley, and Lashley leave the office together.
To the back! Lauren interviews Daniels about his match against Eric Young, which is next. “Screw Eric Young,” says Daniels, proving that he regularly reads the WWI and BWF message boards. Daniels tells Young to be a man for the first time in his life. During the interview, Alex Shelley and Chris Sabin wander in front of the camera and examine it as though they had never before seen one. Repeating the commentary here does it no justice, so find it on YouTube if possible. The MCMG are gold here! Daniels grabs Sabin and throws him to the side and tries to do the same to Shelley. Daniels yells at them that all of their jobs are in jeopardy, to which Shelley replies that he knows that, they haven’t even been on tv in a month. Daniels snaps at them that while the MCMG have been acting like immature jackasses, Eric Young and World Elite and the Main Event Mafia are taking their spots, one by one. It’s time to go out there and do something about it! Daniels walks away. Sabin rolls his eyes, looks at Shelley, and says, “Onward, young soldier.” Shelley responds, “Dude, I guess we could try it.” They exit.
DGT: You just have to see it. It really was funny.
Match #1: Eric Young (w/ Kiyoshi and Sheik Abdul Bashir) defeats Daniels (w/ the Motor City Machine Guns): Eric Young’s wrestling style is definitely more aggressive, and it works. This was a pretty solid match, despite constant interference from Kiyoshi and Bashir. The main point seemed to be that the Guns stood at ringside and completely ignored the match, flipping through video game instruction guides and discussion the contents instead. Daniels almost had the win, but Bashir distracted the ref, allowing Kiyoshi to spit red mist in Daniels’s eyes. Eric Young hit the piledriver for the win. Post-match, Bashir and Kiyoshi attacked the Guns and knocked them down.
DGT: Even Don West questioned the Guns being good back-up for Daniels, and he stopped challenging Tenay about their lack of involvement in helping Daniels. Is a face turn in the works for the MCMG?
To the back! Lauren interviews Beer Money and Team 3D, who have an eight-man tag match tonight against the British Invasion and Scott Steiner/Booker T. Robert Roode speaks about his history with Eric Young, even before TNA existed. He says that Eric Young seems to have forgotten the day that he begged Jeff Jarrett for a job, an opportunity to prove that he could be a star in the business. Roode was there too, and he had done the same. “I’ll be damned, Eric Young, if you’re going to dictate MY future!” Beer Money walk away. Brother Ray, in an extremely exaggerated New York accent (seriously, like Fran Drescher), complains about the loss of their IWGP Tag Team titles, and Eric Young’s interference in the match. They’re serving up heads on a platter for all the TNA fans. Yummy.
DGT: Excellent, excellent promo by Roode. He seemed much more the future main eventer here. What the hell is up with the overly exaggerated New York accent from Brother Ray? He doesn’t talk like that. The line about the British Invasion being a bunch of “tea-sipping, crumpet-eating fairies” was not necessary. None of this is live, they could have edited that out. Having Don West apologize for it isn’t enough.
Match #2: The British Invasion (Doug Williams and Rob Terry w/ Brutus Magnus) and Scott Steiner & Booker T (w/ Sharmell) defeat Team 3D and Beer Money: Two sets of champions versus two sets of screwed-over former champions. Steiner and Ray start. Pretty dull and plodding until Beer Money and The British Invasion are in the ring together. Then it gets good. At one point, Team 3D goes to “get the tables,” but the British Invasion gestures at the entrance ramp, and Eric Young, Kiyoshi, and Sheik Abdul Bashir rush the ring. Daniels, Alex Shelley, and Chris Sabin follow them, and attack that portion of World Elite before they can do much damage. Kevin Nash saunters out and punches a few people. Mick Foley runs out from the back and attacks Nash. Kurt Angle runs down the ramp and attacks Team 3D. Sting comes striding down the ramp, Samoa Joe not far behind him. Bobby Lashley comes out from the back and attacks Samoa Joe. Technically speaking, the match is still going on in the ring. Robert Roode perches on the top rope, but Traci Brooks pushes him off and he hits the mat. Rob Terry picks up Roode and plants him with a slam, getting the pin and winning the match. The brawling continues everywhere.
DGT: It makes me sound like such a girly-girl, but Sharmell’s gown tonight was great. Doesn’t Rob Terry come from Team 3D’s wrestling school? If so, shouldn’t they be getting at least a little bit of the blame for his utter cluelessness in the ring, and the fact that he isn’t ready for tv? Starting the full-company brawl at this point in the show was pretty cool, as most people expect it to end the show. Cutting to a commercial break in the middle of said brawl is certainly a good way to keep interest.
Back from commercial break, the brawl continues. Cameras cut from different areas at ringside to a backstage office area to several areas outside the”Impact” Zone. Samoa Joe and Lashley brawled to a back office area. Foley, Nash, Sting, and Angle took it outside as well. Team 3D focused on Booker T and Scott Steiner. Beer Money went after the British Invasion. Daniels and the Motor City Machine Guns stayed in the ring, and went after Eric Young, Kiyoshi, and Bashir. None of these pairings are random. At some point, Chris Sabin came out of his shirt, proving that God loves me, and wants me to be happy. Brother Ray holds the edge of a table down across Steiner’s throat in the back. Though BG James is supposedly trying to make him stop, it looks like James is helping Brother Ray force the table down, which was funny. Police cars show up and the action stops.
DGT: For once, the quick cuts between multiple locations worked pretty well, giving the brawl a real feeling of immediacy. The security cam feed until a camera could get outside was a nice touch. If one were in attendance when this happened, it may have come off as better than it did on tv. Aside from the placement and timing of the brawl, which were very good, having the police get called in was a nice touch. I don’t remember seeing that happen before, and even if it did, it was long enough ago that it doesn’t feel redundant. For all the people criticising this segment, it did its job. Every punch may not have looked like a UFC knockout blow, but so what? This brawl accomplished two things. Firstly, it established that TNA as a roster has finally exploded. Everyone has gotten involved, and something is going to change. Secondly, it set up who is likely to be feuding with whom, which can give the MEM/World Elite vs. TNA storyline fresh legs.
Match #3: Sarita and Taylor Wilde defeat Alissa Flash and Traci Brooks: Traci was the weak link here in actual wrestling terms, but that isn’t an insult to her as much as it is a praise of the others. Traci and Taylor start, and Taylor displays the best in-ring work I’ve seen from her. Ever. Don West describes Sarita as “almost a female X-Division wrestler.” Sarita proves this with a gorgeous cross-body from the top rope to the floor, taking out both Traci Brooks and Alissa Flash. Back in the ring, Flash is all power and dominates, but Sarita rolls her up in a small package for the win. Post-match, Traci and Flash beat down Taylor and Sarita, and leave.
DGT: This match had better wrestling than anything RAW has done in weeks. Matches like this one make me want to find the people who continue to write that the WWE Divas are vastly superior to the TNA Knockouts simply because they are more attractive, or that the wrestling abilities of the Divas and the Knockouts are pretty much the same, or assume that condescending tone that the Knockouts aren’t all that good but “are trying really hard,” and go all Rorschach on them.
To the back! Lauren interviews The Beautiful People, who are sitting on their thrones. She asks them about next week’s “Four Corners” Knockouts match with Angelina Love, Tara, Awesome Kong, and ODB, mentioning that ODB pinned Angelina Love last week. Angelina says that it only happened “after her hillbilly Joe Bob boyfriend molested me!” She’s been drinking mouthwash all week, and probably needs a tetanus shot. She doesn’t know which is more disgusting, Cody Deaner or “that reptile with, like, 18 legs, that Tara carries around.” Velvet Sky says that she’s sick of it, and that The Beautiful People are going to do something about it. ODB wants a title shot? Ok, Angelina will give her one. Angelina Love says that, at “Hard Justice,” ODB and Cody Deaner will face her and Velvet Sky.
DGT: Once again, The Beautiful people are absolute gold! Watch their promo if you can, typing it here really doesn’t do it justice.
To the outside! The police have gotten the brawl under control, and everyone is gone. Hernandez shows up. Kip James is picking up trash. Hernandez asks what happened. Kip James yells at him. No one cares.
To the back! Lauren interviews AJ Styles about his second match against Matt Morgan in their “Best of Three” series for a spot in “Hard Justice”‘s main event. AJ has one down, and only one to go. He’s focused, and he’s going to win.
To the video package on Hernandez!
To the Mike Tenay sit-down interview! Hernandez talks about his background in athletics. Particular attention is given to his Army veteran father, a Green Beret, who did several tours in Vietnam. The man retired in 1985, but tries to re-enlist after 9/11, which demonstrates his patriotism. When Konnan and LAX attempted to burn the American flag, not only did Hernandez’s father stop watching TNA, he refused to speak to his son for a time, and their relationship is still strained. Hernandez wishes Homicide all the best, and hopes that Homicide feels the same about him. They’ll wear tag team gold again at some point, but right now, they’re on different paths.
To the back! Lauren interviews Homicide, who doesn’t want to talk about Hernandez. he wants to talk about the X-Division title that he holds. He’s not worried about Samoa Joe and Taz, because 187 is more powerful and dangerous than 13. At “Hard Justice,” he’s keeping his X-Division title.
Match #4: Matt Morgan defeats AJ Styles: This was all technical prowess and speed against power. AJ dominated the early part of the match, but Morgan owned the middle section. AJ mounted a comeback at the end, but Morgan out-powered him. Morgan hits the Hellavator on AJ and gets the pin.
DGT: Matt Morgan is apparently not ditching that hideous DNA cape. To be fair, everyone knew how this match would end. Has there been a “Best of Three” series in recent memory that DIDN’T go to the third match? Good match, though.
To the back! JB tries to interview Kurt Angle, but he and the rest of the MEM are leaving the building. JB runs into Abyss backstage, who voices his concern over everyone trying to take him out and claim Dr. Stevie’s $50,000 bounty. Even JB has a small hammer behind his back. JB never gets to use it, though, as Lethal COnsequences confront Abyss on the pretext of getting an apology for his backstage assault on them in previous weeks, but they jump him and try to take him out. They fail.
DGT: The bit with JB and the hammer was funny. I have never cared for Lethal Consequences, or either member thereof. However, this segment made them look incredibly weak and pathetic. Where were they during the brawl, anyway? Is there possibly a heel turn in the works for them? It might actually help them.
Match #5: Sting defeats Brutus Magnus (w/ Rob Terry and Doug Williams): Referee Slick Johnson throws Doug Williams and Rob Terry out before the match starts, as disposes of Sting’s basbeball bat as well. Magnus targets Sting’s knees and legs, and gets in a decent bit of offense for a time. Magnus leaps off the ropes, only to be caught in the Scorpion Death Lock, and he taps out. Post-match, Magnus tries to attack Sting, but Sting sees it coming and dominates Magnus. World Elite runs down and beats up Sting. Nice visual of the entire group with their feet on Sting’s head and neck in the corner. Lashley and Foley run down to make the save. Angle, Samoa Joe, Steiner, Nash, and Booker T run down and take out the good guys. Hernandez runs down the ramp, whirling a thick chain over his head like a cowboy’s lariat. The MEM and World Elite bail. Hernandez, Sting, Foley, and Lashley stand in the ring as the show ends.
DGT: Slick Johnson is no longer a crooked ref? Or he’s only crooked when sexual favors from the Knockouts are involved? I’m so confused! Big shocker that the MEM didn’t really leave. When will other people click to that? Honestly! The MEM and World Elite don’t fear the entirety of the roster, but run from one guy with a chain. Ok.
FINAL THOUGHTS: A good show that accomplished several things that needed accomplishing. Yes, there was a lot of talking. Yes, there were not enough one-on-one matches. Yes, those things were for a reason. I don’t personally like the image that the saviors of TNA are Foley, Sting, and Lashley, but having Hernandez take part in it certainly helped. I know that it’s the beginning of a shift, but that shift can’t come soon enough. There’s one more episode of “Impact” before “Hard Justice.” I, at least, am quite curious to see where things go, and whether TNA can convince me to part with money I haven’t really got for “Hard Justice.”
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