“Impact Impressions” 9/2/10By Drowgoddess · · Leave a Comment
A go-home show for a pay-per-view should never be as painful to watch as this was.
It’s no coincidence that Eric Bischoff has suddenly and recently distanced himself and HHHogan from the TNA product, publicly claiming that neither he nor HHHogan has any real power over the show. It’s all Dixie Carter and Vince Russo, Bischoff insists. Let the absolute absurdity of that claim sink in for a moment. HHHogan and Bischoff in a pro wrestling company with no real power over the content of a pro wrestling show? What’s next, that “Devil” will have a compelling and shocking twist at the end?
We open with yet another in the infinite series of HHHogan coming out to the ring and “putting over” the TNA talent. Nobody, nobody at all, is going to think, “Oh, well, I thought that TNA didn’t have any good wrestlers in it, but if Hulk Hogan says that they’re good, I have to get to Orlando right away to see the next show in person!” Under the pretext of putting other people over, he’s just hogging camera time, as has been done for years. HHHogan, Bischoff, Miss Tessmacher, and her breasts stand in the ring and smile. Proof of TNA’s outstanding talent is demonstrated by calling out the four guys who will compete in the semi-finals of the World Heavyweight Championship title tournament, all of whom just happen to be former WWE employees. Mr. Anderson, “The Pope” D’Angelo Dinero, Jeff Hardy, and Kurt Angle hit the ring, one at a time. Lots of gushing over Rob Van Dam as a great World champion. Abyss interrupts, and announces that “they” were never EV 2.0 or Fortune, and that “they” will appear on 10/10/10 at the “Bound for Glory” ppv. Dixie Carter will be removed, and HHHogan and Bischoff exterminated. This plan is wrong HOW, exactly? Anderson, Pope, Hardy, and Angle stand around doing nothing while the guy who almost murdered the World champion threatens the company and everyone in it. Hardy finally attacks Abyss as the commercial break begins.
Angelina Love and Velvet Sky vs. Madison Rayne and Mystery Biker Chick: The Beautiful People’s music played, and while Love and Sky were introduced, Rayne and Biker Chick entered on the motorcycle. Love and Sky did their classic entrance anyway. The match itself was too short to mean anything, but Rayne got the win on Sky after Biker Chick hit Sky with her helmet. Post-match, Biker Chick unmasked herself, and now we’re left to wonder just why Tara would return and hook up with Madison Rayne, who defeated her for the Knockouts title AND forced her to quit TNA.
Winners: Madison Rayne and Tara
To the back! Stevie Richards discusses his many throat surgeries and his approaching match against Abyss. That Stevie used to beat the hell out of Abyss as “Dr. Stevie” was never mentioned.
Stevie Richards vs. Abyss: Brawling outside the ring started this. This match was also too short and meant nothing, as the focus was completely on the post-match doings. Stevie superkicked Abyss while The Monster argued with the referee over the use of a steel chair. Stevie Richards gets the upset victory over the unstoppable psychotic Monster. Will anyone care? Post-match, Abyss attacks Stevie and drops him with a Shock Treatment. Video cuts to a backstage brawl between Fortune and EV 2.0. Abyss tries to use Janice on Stevie, but out of nowhere runs Brian Kendrick! Kendrick dropkicks Abyss in the head and rushes Stevie up the ramp to safety.
Winner: Stevie Richards
To the back! Mr. Anderson doesn’t understand why Pope doesn’t like him. He’s been nothing but nice to Pope since Pope came back. Pope doesn’t like or trust Anderson, and he isn’t buying into the crap that Anderson has sold Jeff Hardy and the TNA fans. They’ll have to put their differences aside to night to tag team against Kurt Angle and Jeff Hardy in the main event, but after that, all bets are off.
To the ring! Tommy Dreamer, Mick Foley, Sabu, and Rhino call out Fortune. AJ Styles, Beer Money, Kazarian, Douglas Williams, Matt Morgan, and Ric Flair answer the call, and AJ predicts the slaughter of EV 2.o at the hands of Fortune. AJ’s language has gotten very aggressive. “I’m going to kill you!” “Fortune will slaughter EV 2.o!” Some things don’t really need to be said in pro wrestling. Side note. Ric Flair appeared on the sidelines at a college football game recently, in South Carolina, if memory serves. The football announcers referred to him as “former professional wrestler Ric Flair.” Ouch. TNA may need some butter for that burn. This all ends with a 4-on-4 elimination match between Fortune and EV 2.o later tonight.
To the back! Jeff Jarrett asks Samoa Joe to do the right thing. Joe responds that the one thing he has learned is to mind his own business. Kevin Nash and Sting talk. Jarrett says that he can’t beat them both alone. YAWN!
Jeff Jarrett vs. Sting (w/ Kevin Nash): Who. Cares. About. This. Sting wore the red Wolfpac face paint. Nash repeatedly interfered, tripped up Jarrett, and allowed Sting to get the win. Post-match, Sting choked Jarrett with the baseball bat. Cue the Great Orange Savior! HHHogan’s music plays, and he wanders out onto the ramp. Joe rushes the ring and attacks Nash from behind. For some reason, Joe stands and yells at Sting instead of attacking him. Sting and Nash slink off while HHHogan pats Joe’s shoulder to show that Joe is a good little boy and that HHHogan approves. Poor Joe. He’s so much better than a bit player in an ancient diva showdown.
Winner: Sting (w/ Kevin Nash)
To the ring! London Brawling, the new tag team of Desmond Wolfe and Magnus, talk some trash about the current champions, the Motor City Machine Guns. Chelsea looks unhappy, as usual. It’s time for the tag team titles to be taken off of the boys, and bring them home with the real men. Cue my MCMG! The visual of Desmond Wolfe in his snazzy suit and Magnus in his supermodel-casual attire opposite the MCMG in their jeans, t-shirts, and sneakers is actually rather cool. The future Mr. Drowgoddess has the mic, and Chris Sabin asks Wolfe and Magnus just who they’ve beaten? They’ve never won a match on “Impact.” This is true, as London Brawling has never even HAD a match on “Impact.” The only tag teaming that they seem to have done is with each other. Wolfe takes it literally, and asks if Sabin is claiming that Wolfe and Magnus fancy each other. “Yes!” Magnus says that the Guns should spend less time on their little jokes and more time, and I quote, “growing hair on your nuts.” Alex Shelley takes over and says, “Dude, I’m four years older than you!” Magnus points out that London Brawling is the only tag team in the ring with a “bird.” Shelley points out that if London Brawling were really such big men, Chelsea wouldn’t have such an unpleasant look on her face all the time. Shelley tells Chelsea that he has “ten dollars, five minutes, and a dog tag. What’ll that get me?” After a few more call girl references, Wolfe demands that Chelsea tell the Guns how he rocks her world, and is the biggest man this side of the pond. Chelsea looks thoroughly disgusted, and says that if there were a sword fight in the ring right now, Wolfe’s “weapon” would fall very short. Wolfe is furious, but takes advantage of the moment to lay out Shelley with a cheap shot. Magnus does the same to Sabin. London Brawling leaves the ring. Hey, if your entire segment has to be “dick jokes,” this is the way to be clever and entertaining about it.
To the back! The locker room of EV 2.0 is invaded by one Brian Kendrick. He’s on their side, and wants to take the crippled Foley’s place in the 4-on-4 elimination match tonight. Tommy Dreamer tries to brush him off, but Foley says that the “insane” and unpredictable Kendrick is perfect to replace him. Kendrick reacts like a giddy little schoolgirl.
To the back! Jeff Hardy (wearing red, white, and blue face paint as a mark of respect to Angle) and Kurt Angle discuss their tag team match tonight, and the 1-on-1 match they have at “No Surrender.”
Fortune (AJ Styles, Kazarian, James Storm, and Robert Roode) w/ Matt Morgan, Douglas Williams, and Ric Flair vs. EV 2.0 (Tommy Dreamer, Sabu, Rhino, and Brian Kendrick): This was an elimination tag team match. Why Flair, Morgan, AND Williams were all allowed to stay at ringside is uncertain. Sabu was eliminated by Kazarian after Douglas Williams tripped Sabu. Kendrick eliminated Kazarian, then pounced on AJ, choking him until the referee managed to pull him away. Kendrick responded with a dropkick to the referee, followed by a really creepy smirking smile. I likes it! Kendrick was then eliminated via disqualification. Foley hobbles out, and brawling ensues. Abyss comes out and fights with Rhino. Nothing is done about Abyss’s presence, but Rhino is counted out by the referee and eliminated. WTF??? That makes no sense at all. Dreamer, who had gotten rather beaten down earlier, made a Superman comeback, dropping Roode with a DDT and eliminating him. Storm was the next to be eliminated by Dreamer, after his injured ribs from a Rhino Gore made kicking out of a roll-up impossible. The match has come down to Dreamer and AJ, who have an “I Quit” match at Sunday’s ppv. Foley and Flair brawl on the floor while AJ hits a Pele on Dreamer and scores the win.
Mr. Anderson and “The Pope” D’Angelo Dinero vs. Kurt Angle and Jeff Hardy: This match was surprisingly short. The point of it was that Anderson and Pope don’t get along as a team, whereas Hardy and Angle do. Hardy then tries a Whisper in the Wind, but his target dodges and Hardy hits Angle instead. Anderson takes advantage and hits the Mic Check, but the legal man was Pope, who steals the pin from Anderson. Pope and Anderson pretend to make nice, but quickly get to brawling. Angle gets in Hardy’s face, and they fight as well. Security comes out to break them up, and we go to “Reaction.”
Winners: “The Pope” D’Angelo Dinero and Mr. Anderson
FINAL THOUGHTS: Ugh. Was this really the best that TNA could do to persuade us to spend time and/or money on Sunday’s ppv? “No Surrender” will not do well in terms of numbers anyway because it’s on Labor Day weekend. This was not a good idea. Furthermore, very little even looks compelling on paper. The X-Division no longer exists, and its champion is a supporting character in Fortune. Where is Jay Lethal? Where are Shannon Moore and Jesse Neal? The Knockouts division barely exists, and the only thing that is happening there is the feud between The Beautiful People. Where is Daffney? Where is evil heel Sarita? Where are the new Knockouts Tag Team champions, Taylor Wilde and Hamada? Xander loves you, Hamada! The matches all involve Fortune vs. EV 2.0, some aspect of Jarrett, Bischoff, and HHHogan against Sting, Nash, and whoever else is involved in backstage politics from 15 years ago. The only good thing is the tag team title match, and that’s only because Desmond Wolfe and Magnus are actually good, not because the team deserves it. I wouldn’t pay money to watch this show.
All the same, your friendly neighborhood Drowgoddess will try to find a way to watch it and post some form of review here. Being unemployed and broke prevents me from getting the show myself, but I shall see what I can do. At least for one match.
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