“Impact” Impressions 9/24/09By Drowgoddess · · Leave a Comment
AJ Styles is now TNA World Heavyweight Champion. Samoa Joe is still X-Division Champion. Sarita and Taylor Wilde are the first-ever Knockouts Tag Team Champions.
Join your Empress of “Impact” in crossing the nearest line to find out!
World Elite arrives in their Hummer limo. Sheik Abdul Bashir pulls Kiyoshi out of the car, and Hernandez attacks them. Hernandez lays out several World Elite members with a police club.
We officially open with the Main Event Mafia in the ring. All except Kurt Angle sport gold title belts. Angle has a mic, however, and asserts that he did not lose his TNA World Heavyweight title. He wasn’t beaten by AJ Styles. He was screwed by Matt Morgan. He saved Morgan during the match many times, out of the goodness of his heart. Angle announces that he asked for Morgan in a one-on-one match at “Bound for Glory,” and he received said match. Angle says that, title or no, the MEM is the most dominant faction in wrestling. Cue World Elite! All of World Elite follows Eric Young to the ring. Young challenges Angle on his choice of words. Hernandez was destroying Angle, and if EY hadn’t come out and saved Angle’s delicate neck from being Border Tosses off the ramp. Tonight, EY wants Angle to return the favor. EY has been booked in a singles match against Hernandez, and he wants Angle to be his tag team partner and take Hernandez out. EY shows supreme confidence, and carries himself as an equal to Angle. Booker T grabs the mic and babbles in barely comprehensible semi-English about how he hates World Elite, the MEM runs TNA, and if someone gets taken out, it’s by the MEM. EY says that he could care less what Booker thinks of him or his men. Booker snaps and attacks EY again. Angle fends Booker off, and agrees with EY’s offer, calling himself a man of integrity. Angle says that the MEM always does business “the right way.” I love Eric Young now. He’s no future Mr. Drowgoddess, but anyone who verbally bitchslaps Booker T gets my vote.
We’re back from commercial break. Suicide enters in a cloud of fog. Dressed in street clothes, “The Pope” D’Angelo Dinero jumps Suicide from behind.
Match #1: Suicide vs. “The Pope” D’Angelo Dinero: This is a street fight. Pope has his ribs and right arm heavily bandaged. Plunder’s a-flyin’ here! The “Pope is pimpin’!” chants get even louder when Pope grabs a cane and struts across the ring with it. Chants of “That was awesome!” for Pope’s use of a tambourine on Suicide. Yes, it was! That was just fun, I don’t care what anyone says. Suicide goes for a Suicidey Dive through the ropes, but Pope smashes a trash can lid into his head. The crowd responds with chants of “That was pimpin’!” Oh, “The Pope” is super-mega-over! I want to go to a TNA show just to chant for him. Well, that, and one other thing. Hockey sticks, trash cans, chairs, trash can lids, oh my! Suicide goes to the top rope, and takes too long. “The Pope” runs up a folding chair to spear Suicide in mid-air! Wow! Suicide is getting pwned here. Oh, not so much. Suicide hits the Suicide Solution on “The Pope” for the win. Much booing and downward thumbs.
To the back! Lauren interviews Team 3D about Rhino. Team 3D is very much pissed at Rhino, and they mean to take it back old school.
To the back! Lauren interviews Kevin Nash, who shamelessly hits on her. He suggests that they get freaky, but two midgets chicks show up and sit on Nash’s lap. He’s distracted enough to leave Lauren alone.
Match #2: Rhino vs. Brother Devon: Rhino doesn’t make it to the ring, as Devon rushes him from the side. They brawl to the ring. They brawl outside of the ring. Devon gets busted open. Both men get counted out, and the match is thrown out. They ignore the bell and continue to fight. Security and referees separate them, but Brother Ray comes out and orders them all to leave. Without a mic, we can hear him perfectly. Ray rips into both Rhino and Devon, asking why they’re fighting. Rhino and Devon are both bloody-faced. Several people hold signs that read, “Bore.” Heh. I like psycho vicious heel Rhino. Ray orders Rhino and Devon to shake hands. They do. Rhino then Gores Brother Ray, and leaves up the ramp.
To the back! Lauren interviews Hernandez about the tag team match tonight. Hernandez doesn’t need a partner, he can do it himself. Matt Morgan interrupts, and tells Hernandez that he knows Hernandez could do that, but he wants Angle just as badly as Hernandez wants Young. Morgan will team with Hernandez. Hernandez accepts. Jeebus, Morgan makes Hernandez look small! Hernandez says something in Spanish, and Morgan puts his arm around Hernandez’s shoulders and says, “Yeah! What he said!” Matt Morgan is a funny, funny man.
To the back! Jeremy Borash is with Mick Foley in the office. Foley is obsessed with the destroyed “Tweet and Tweak Connection” picture. JB mentions that someone is selling the “Tweet and Tweak Connection” card on ebay for $300+, and Foley says that the person selling the card is likely the perp who destroyed the picture.
To the video package! AJ Styles finally gets the champion treatment that he so richly deserves. A fantastic video package, just watch it.
To the ring! TNA World Heavyweight Champion AJ Styles (Jeebus, I love saying that!) goes to the ring, title belt on one shoulder and a mic in his hand. The whole place chants, “AJ! AJ!” LOUD chants of “You deserve it!” Wow. I don’t care how smarky and cynical you are, this is a great moment. AJ dedicates the title to the fans. Then he dedicates it to Sting. He asks Sting to come out and share the moment with him. Sans music, Sting comes out, wearing street clothes and sunglasses, and no make-up. Sting has a mic as well. Sting appreciates the invite, but this isn’t about him. It’s about AJ, and there’s no need to share the spotlight. Sting introduces AJ as the champ one more time, and everyone screams and cheers. Sting starts to leave, but AJ stops him. AJ says that he knows what Sting did for him at “No Surrender.” Sting chose to take out Matt Morgan, and allowed AJ to pin Angle for the win and the title. Sting could have won the title himself. Sting insists that he gave AJ nothing at the ppv, AJ wrestled a great match and earned it himself. AJ points out that Sting stepped aside and handed him the World title. Sting passed AJ Styles the torch. AJ wants to give Sting the opportunity to wrestle against him for the World title at “Bound for Glory” in California. AJ wants the two of them to give everyone something that they’ll never forget. Sting appears to accept.
Match #3: Taylor Wilde & Sarita vs. Tara & ODB: This is the first title defense for the new Knockouts Tag Team Champions. ODB is the new Knockouts Champion, but that title is not part of this match. Tara and Sarita start. If I were a lesbian…. Huh? Oh. Tara outpowers Sarita, but Sarita dodges Tara and counters with a spinning head scissors. Wilde tags in with a flying cross body. Tara and Wilde go. Tara tags ODB in, and ODB slaps Wilde around. Awesome Kong strides down to the ring and goes after Tara. Kong and Tara fight to the back. ODB squares off with Sarita. Wilde and Sarita double-team ODB. Loud chants of “ODB! ODB!” ODB tries to pin each of her opponents, but each kicks out. The champs double-team ODB again for the win with a springboard dropkick from Sarita into a pin by Wilde. Tara returns to the ring and tries to explain things to ODB. Tara and ODB are not happy with one another.
Winners (and STILL Knockouts Tag Team Champions): Sarita & Taylor Wilde
To the poker game in the back! Foley and JB play poker with Lethal Consequences and interrogate them about selling the “Tweet and Tweak” card. Lethal Consequences deny any involvement, and leave. JB suddenly suspects Alex Shelley. Foley tells JB to bring the Motor City Machine Guns to him.
Match #4: Homicide vs. Daniels vs. Samoa Joe: This is a three-way X-Division title match. Joe sports new ring gear, in the form of black shorts with gold trim and less face paint. I like it! Very MMA. This should be good! I’m just going to sit back and watch it, as should you. Homicide trips up Daniels. I don’t like Homicide’s new music. I really like Samoa Joe’s music. Joe and Homicide gang up on Daniels. Stiff striking, fast-paced action, quick pins, unexpected counters, this is why we love the X-Division! Daniels throws Homicide into Joe and takes both guys down with the judo takedown. Joe and Daniels fight to the outside. Homicide hits Joe with a tope con hilo, then tries to use a chair. The referee does not allow it. Tenay and Taz talk up Homicide as being crazy. Joe pins Daniels, but Homicide stops the referee from making the three-count. Joe and Homicide cease to cooperate, and go after each other. Homicide gets bleeped. Joe attacks Homicide from behind, and scores the win with the rear naked choke after a half-nelson back suplex. Nice!
Winner (and STILL X-Division Champion): Samoa Joe
To the ring! Sheik Abdul Bashir and Kiyoshi have joined the commentary table as Eric Young hits the ring. Huzzah!
Match #5: Eric Young & Kurt Angle vs. Hernandez & Matt Morgan: This could also be good. Matt Morgan gets the biggest pop of the four. Hernandez still has dreadful music. Angle and Hernandez start. Bashir talks up World Elite. When Tenay and Taz bring up EY and World Elite piledriving Hernandez and damaging his neck with the briefcase, Bashir says, “The Mexican that mows my lawn broke his neck,” and was ok. Bashir proceeds to insult Mexicans repeatedly. Yaay, racism! Loud chants of “We want Morgan!” We eventually get Morgan, and he goes for a Carbon Footprint on Angle. Angle pulls Young in front of him, and Young gets flattened. Morgan gets the pin and win on Young. Bashir and Kiyoshi confront Angle, who throws both of them around. The British Invasion comes down and confronts Angle. The rest of the MEM comes down, and Angle walks away with them. Morgan and Hernandez celebrate in the ring.
Winners: Hernandez and Matt Morgan
To the interrogation room! Foley and JB question Chris Sabin and Alex Shelley. Foley says that the MCMGs are guilty of having the worst entrance music in the company. Chris Sabin says that Foley and JB would never make CSI, as the Guns were out front on commentary when the crime occured. Alex Shelley points out that Foley has a security camera, that Kip installed, and that he could just look at that. The Guns leave, and Foley and JB decide to consult said camera.
To the interview! Lauren tries to interview Hamada, who speaks little English, but fluent Spanish. Alissa Flash interrupts, asking why only Knockouts coming in from other countries get interview time. She already had to go through that BS with Sarita, and now she has to be a doormat for Hamada as well? No way. Flash appears to leave, but returns and beats the everloving hell out of Hamada. Security has to separate them.
To the back! A stunningly smoking hot Daffney appears to be making out with Kevin Nash. She then elbows him in the groin. Twice. Dr. Stevie attacks Nash with a taser gun to the groin. Dr. Stevie yells at Nash about robbing him of $50,000 and not ending Abyss’s career. Daffney laughs and says, “Maybe next time, Big Sexy,” and kisses him on the head as his crotch smokes. Write your own joke.
Match #6: “The Outlaw” Jethro Holiday vs. Bobby Lashley: Lashley squash. That’s all.
Winner: Bobby Lashley
To the back! Lauren interviews a giggly Abyss. Foley and Abyss have made nice, and everything is groovy. They have a tag team title match tonight. That’s right, the main event is a tag team title match against the MEM, and the challengers are not Lethal Consequences. Not the British Invasion. Not the Motor City Machine Guns. They are the first-time pairing of Mick Foley and Abyss.
Match #7: Booker T & Scott Steiner vs. Abyss & Mick Foley: This is a Tag Team Championship title match. How Foley and Abyss qualified for such a title shot is anyone’s guess. Abyss and Booker start. Steiner comes in to help Booker. Steiner and Abyss go. Foley tags in and goes after Steiner. The challengers double-team Steiner, and Foley covers Steiner, but he kicks out. Booker kicks Abyss in the back, and it’s Steiner dominating Abyss in the ring. Abyss knocks both champs down. Foley tags in, but DDTs Abyss, then tags out. Booker hits the axe kick on Abyss and gets the win.
Winners (and STILL Tag Team Champions): Booker T and Scott Steiner
Post-match, Foley slaps Abyss repeatedly, telling him that “It was you, Chris!” Foley continues kicking Abyss in the face, and Abyss wears the crimson mask, as well as his own. Foley rants about Abyss breaking in to his office, taking his bat, destroying his most prized possession. JB runs out to talk Foley down, but Foley gets his barbed wire baseball bat and lays into Abyss with it repeatedly. Abyss is soaked in his own blood. So much so that it’s actually disgusting. Abyss screeches, “Why? Mick, Why?”
FINAL THOUGHTS: Some things were quite good. Yaay, Daffney! We heart you! Alissa Flash was brilliant, and a feud with Hamada will be grand fun to watch. Matt Morgan is hilarious, and I completely take back everything negative that I ever said about him. He has really grown on me over time, and I enjoy him much more than I ever thought that I would. The Knockouts tag team action was good, but I would personally like to have seen the first-ever title defense treated as important, and not used as a step to further the Tara/Kong feud. The X-Division three-way was very good, and a reminder of why the X-Division should be featured prominently on TNA programming. AJ Styles was handled beautifully. His World Champion status was cemented, but he acknowledged that Sting chose to give him a chance to win the belt at “No Surrender.” To do otherwise would have made him look stupid. Offering Sting a match actually helps AJ, as it gives him a chance to go one-on-one with the man who could have won the belt instead of him. A win over Sting at “Bound for Glory” officially makes AJ the top guy. Some will complain about the whole AJ/Sting exchange, and say that it made AJ look weak. I respectfully disagree. I’d love to see a ladder match for the Number One Contender to the X-Division title as much as anyone, but I object to it being thrown out for next week without any hype or build, and without indicating who will be in it. Ladder matches have become almost meaningless due to overuse and lack of importance, and that’s really sad. Lastly, that’s all of the Motor City Machine Guns that we get? Seriously? If TNA has nothing for Chris Sabin to do, ….
Join us here at BWF for more wrestling reviews, perhaps some Thoughts, and more than a little Randomness. Next week, I shall return to guide you through the labyrinth of “Impact.” And if I do not, avenge my death!
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