Sweet Jeebus, this was awful!

The show opens with Your Olympic Gold Medalist Kurt Angle. Angle talks up his retirement stip, says that he’ll win the World title, and cut the cancer out of TNA. There seems to be a lot of that going around. Tonight Angle faces Abyss in a cage match. WHAT??? Should I even be surprised or bothered at this point that what was once a hugely significant specialty match to end a serious feud is being trotted out with absolutely zero build or hype? I give up. Abyss comes out. They fight to the back. Security pulls them apart.

Beer Money vs. Tommy Dreamer and Rhino: This was a tag team lumberjack match. What brought this on, we’ll never know. Brawling lumberjacks and a missed beer bottle spot later, Dreamer gets the win on Storm. That’s right, two guys who have known each other for years, but haven’t teamed together regularly, just cleanly beat one of the greatest tag teams on the planet at the moment. Another loss for Fortune. Why are they important again? Sabu leaps over the top rope onto everyone, and brawling ensues again.

Winners: Tommy Dreamer and Rhino

Post-match, Mick Foley takes the mic and demands that the fighting stop. There will be no more faction warfare of Fortune versus EV 2.0. It’ll be two guys, Foley and Ric Flair. What follows is an exchange that every other wrestling site will praise as the latest gem spilling forth from the lips of the Almighty Flair. It was, in fact, two old guys shouting and screaming over one another, so utterly determined not to give focus to the other that understanding what was actually being said took much more effort than it should have. Flair cursed at Foley, calling him “asshole” and “son of a bitch” for no real reason. Oh, but he’s the master of all heels, you foolish woman, you just don’t GET it. No. No, not really. If the name-calling had had suitable context, that would have been one thing. It came off more like, “Look at our not-PG rating!” Flair stomps on, knee drops, and elbow drops a copy of Foley’s book. Both guys punch themselves in the head until they bleed. Seriously? Um, ok…. What was all this for? Next week, Foley and Flair will have a “Last Man Standing” match on the live “Impact.” If Flair loses, he says that he’ll kiss Foley’s ass on tv. Oh, fun.

To the back! Mr. Anderson complains to Eric Bischoff that Hogan talks to Angle and seems to endorse him. Bischoff says that it’s nothing, that Hogan and Angle just have a lot in common, as both guys carried wrestling companies on their backs for years. Oh, the obscenity-laden rant upon which I wish I could embark! There’s confidence in Anderson to carry the company too, after he beats Samoa Joe. The same Samoa Joe who should have been one of several guys “carrying the company” three to five years ago. Yes.

Generation Me vs. Ink, Inc. : This was a better match than I had anticipated, with some really sweet moments. Shannon Moore did a weird (but in a cool way) double hurricanrana on Gen Me. Moore gets low-blowed and pinned by Max Buck. Post-match, the Motor City Machine Guns make the save, and Chris Sabin reclaims his tag team championship title belt.

Winners: Generation Me

To the back! Samoa Joe does appreciate his match tonight against Mr. Anderson. When he wins, he’ll be in line for a title shot. I was hoping for stronger wording from Joe, but it was what it was.

To the back! Alex Shelley and Chris Sabin intend to destroy Generation Me. Whoever is writing this stuff or telling people what to say needs to switch to decaf. Almost all promos are screaming and screeching now. This did not feel like an organic MCMG promo. Alex Shelley has never been much of a screamer, which was always a strong point in his mic work. Just let them do their own thing, for the love of whatever deity you hold dear!

Samoa Joe vs. Mr. Anderson: Joe owned most of this match, as well he should have. Unfortunately, “The Pope” D’Angelo Dinero entered and sat st the announce table, with Kevin Nash and Sting (in street clothes, but still brandishing the baseball bat) standing behind him. The whole match, such as it was, was background for Pope to ramble in what has become the typical “promo voice” about whatever the heck is going on with 1997 WCW. Anderson beat Joe clean with the Mic Check. Typing that makes me ill.

Winner: Mr. Anderson

Post-match, Kevin Nash takes Sting’s bat and approaches the ring, where a furious Samoa Joe still stands. Nash yells at Joe that this is his last chance to join them. Um, ok…. What follows is a lengthy, purely masturbatory exchange between Nash, Sting, and Bischoff about good guys, bad guys, WCW, things that happened 15 years ago, and a match at “Bound for Glory” that absolutely no one wants to see. Kevin Nash, Sting, and Pope against Jeff Jarrett, Samoa Joe, and Hulk Hogan. Yes, really. Joe versus Pope would be nice.

To the back! AJ Styles intends to tear Brian Kendrick’s head from his body, and will put up his Television Title to lure Kendrick out. AJ “ices” Ric Flair again.

To the back! Tara, Madison Rayne, Angelina Love, Velvet Sky, and a laughably “intensely angry” Lacey Von Erich are called to a meeting with Miss Tessmacher. If Flair and Foley were bad about shouting over each other for ten minutes, this was ten times worse. “Knockout Law” Miss Tessmacher is officially the “new GM” for the Knockouts division, and she announces that she has the power to fire every single one of them. Like, three times she says this. She isn’t a good talker at all. As if anyone would notice that she spoke. Tessmacher brags about being a bigger bitch than the rest of the bitches in the Knockouts division. Stay classy, Miss Tessmacher. Constant shrieking and screaming from six women at once made it almost impossible to follow the point, which was that Bischoff made a four-way match for the Knockouts title (the singles one) at “Bound for Glory involving Tara, Rayne, Love, and Sky. What LVE will be doing is anyone’s guess. The other point is that all of the Knockouts, regardless of face or heel alignment, hate Tessmacher and want to get rid of her. Remember when the Knockouts division WASN’T something at which to hang one’s head in shame?

AJ Styles (w/ Matt Morgan and Ric Flair) vs. Brian Kendrick: This match was for the Television Title. Again, why is Fortune allowed to have Flair and Morgan come to ringside for every match? This should have been off the chart, and I’d love to see these two guys wrestle each other more, but the expected interference made the match seem like a real let-down. Can you guess what happened? If you said that Flair distracted the referee, while Morgan crotched Kendrick on the ropes, and AJ hit the Styles Clash for the win, you’d be right!

Winner (and STILL Television Champion): AJ Styles

To the back! Another Abyss promo about “They.”

Abyss vs. Kurt Angle: This was a cage match. Janice was left in the corner. Why? Don’t ask questions, you! Angle actually threw Janice out of the cage, so it didn’t matter. He failed to impale any fans in the process. Oh, well. Angle gets thrown into the cage walls and bleeds. A lot. Angle eventually makes his way to the top of the cage, but it doesn’t matter. Abyss choke slams the referee, and we’re out of time. No, really, you read that correctly. We’re out of time, so you have to watch “Reaction” to see what happens. Not sure if this is brilliant or the stupidest thing ever.

Winner: No contest, or so it seems


Mr. Anderson comes out and gets involved. Anderson, Angle, and Abyss all fight. There is no finish to this cage match. At all. Coming up, Vince Russo speaks, and he has some strong words for Eric Bischoff. Oh, hold me back.

Peace out,


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