“Impact” Impressions & “Slammiversary” PredictionsBy Drowgoddess · · 2 Comments
It’s line-crossing time with your Empress of “Impact,” so away we go!
“Welcome Back, Jeffrey.”
Anyone claiming NOT to hear the theme song from “Welcome Back, Kotter” playing in his head upon seeing this title is a dirty pirate hooker. And a liar.
To the ring! Mick Foley comes down to the ring with a swollen-faced Earl Hebner, a non-Yurple clown, and his security goons. The ring is already covered with balloons, streamers, and “Welcome Back, Jeffrey” banner. Foley calls out his guest list, which consists of AJ Styles, Samoa Joe, Kurt Angle, and Jeff Jarrett. Jarrett asks Foley if he has lost his mind. Foley has one more surprise, though. One, two, three, Jeffrey! Confetti and streamers fall from the ceiling. It’s all about celebrating Jarrett’s return to the ring, and the spirit of peace, love, and understanding. In that spirit, Foley has booked tonight’s main event. Call it a “Peace, Love, and Understanding” match. Call it a “Can’t We All Just Get Along?” match. Call it what you will, but all the participants have had their issues with each other, and tonight, those issues can all be resolved. Samoa Joe and AJ Styles will team up, and face two other teams of individuals who have had problems recently. The other two teams will consist of Kurt Angle and “The Icon” Sting, and Jeff Jarrett and Mick Foley himself. Foley knows things will get nasty during the match, so before the nastiness starts, lets all put our hands out in the middle and, on the count of three, say “Team!” Jarrett leaves the ring. Angle puts his hand out first. AJ follows. Joe puts his hand in, and promptly smashes it into Angle’s face. Security, and AJ, pull them apart.
Drowgoddess Thoughts (DGT): You had flashbacks to the “This is Your Life, RocK” segment. Yes, you did. This was one of those segments that seemed off at first, but by the end of the show, it clicked. Foley is completely back and forth to the point that questioning his sanity makes sense. The set-up for the main event followed logic, of a sort. Joe’s attack on Angle was nice, if not predictable. Sometimes predictable is good.
To the back! Jeremy Borash interviews a smoking hot Daffney and Raven with Dr. Stevie. JB hypes the first-ever mixed tag team “Monster’s Ball” match set for “Slammiversary.” First, however, Raven and Daffney have their own matches tonight. Daffney says that the match is what most promoters would call a match made in Hell. She’s no promoter, but the title is fitting, because tonight, Taylor Wilde, Angelina Love, and Kong are all going to Hell. And it’s nice and warm there. JB points out that Angelina is Daffney’s partner tonight. Daffney says that the only person that she considers her partner-to-be is Raven, and they’ll make Micky and Mallory look like Zac and Vanessa. Raven tells Jethro Holliday that a “Clockwork Orange House of Fun” match is, despite its title, anything but fun. As far as the “Monster’s Ball” match in three days, Raven knows that Abyss is in the building. He can sense him. Smell him. Taste him. Abyss and Raven aren’t so very different. They’re both self-loathing freaks of nature with no chance of redemption, ever, and they’re addicted to the giving and receiving of masochistic pain because they know deep down inside that they deserve it. Raven, however, is intelligent enough to fit in to functional society, while Abyss is a mindless abomination that should be put down like a rabid dog. Abyss should prepare a tombstone for Raven as well as one for himself. Welcome to our funeral. Quote the Raven, nevermore.
DGT: Excellent, excellent promo segment here, with extra credit for the “Natural Born Killers” reference. Daffney knows of my intense hatred for all things “High School Musical,” which makes her even more amazing. Raven was awesome on the mic, as he always is. Anyone not familiar with the Raven character now should be. I love the Psycho Circus, and anyone who can hold her own with Raven in the promo department is worth her weight in gold.
Match #1: Daniels defeats Amazing Red: Red got in most of the offense here, though he had no entrance. A corkscrew plancha over the top rope, a top rope hurricanrana, and a two-count. Daniels hits a Death Valley Driver, a choke slam, and the Best Moonsault Ever for the pin and three-count. Post-match, Shane Douglas pops up on video, accepting Daniels’s challenge for a match at “Slammiversary” where the winner gets Daniels’s spot on the TNA roster.
DGT: Why is Amazing Red being treated like Random Jobber #6? No entrance? If you’re going to make a big deal out of the guy, be consistent with it. That being said, I really don’t get the gushing adoration for Red. He’s sloppy, he’s always been sloppy, and he doesn’t do anything that the rest of the X-Division, past and present, haven’t done before and done better. Why is it so awesome when Red does it, and criticized when anyone else does? This “new Rey Mysterio” attitude is a bit much.
To the back! Lauren is with Taylor Wilde, Awesome Kong, and Raisha Saeed. Taylor Wilde tells Daffney that this petite blonde can be a bigger bitch than she is. Raisha Saeed interrupts with “Silence!” Awesome Kong says, “Monster will kill princess first. Then monster will kill monster last.”
DGT: Taylor Wilde can’t act. She needs a coach. Anybody else think Kong’s voice is kinda sexy?
To the ring! Matt Morgan very respectfully asks Sting to come to the ring. Morgan talks fast and uses many, many words. In essence, he knows that he can’t be in the Main Event Mafia because he has never been a World Champion. This is only because he has never had the opportunity to be one. If he can beat a World Champion, like Sting, he would prove himself worthy of being allowed into the MEM. Sting agrees, and they will have a match at “Slammiversary.” If Matt Morgan wins, he gets a spot in the MEM. If Morgan loses, he has to stop bothering the MEM. Morgan rushes Sting from behind, but Sting dodges, and Morgan goes to the floor.
DGT: Fair enough. Morgan gets a spot in the Main Event Mafia if he beats Sting, and has to stop pestering them if Sting wins. Anyone else smell a set-up? Morgan is infinitely stronger as a heel than as a generic babyface, and Don West’s line about Matt Morgan talking faster than Sting was great!
To the back! JB interviews Jeff Jarrett about Mick Foley’s constant emotional changes.
Match #2: Raven (w/ Dr. Stevie) defeats Jethro Holliday: This was a “Clockwork Orange House of Fun” match. Standard trash can fare. Raven gets the win after Jethro Holliday charges at him and knocks down an entire wall of the cage, hitting the floor. Post-match, Daffney and Dr. Stevie attempt to lock Holliday in a straitjacket, but Abyss makes the save.
DGT: Short. Too short. Throwing out a match like this with no warning or build seems like such as waste. When you have “Clockwork Orange House of Fun” matches or “Monster’s Ball” matches all the time, they cease to have any special meaning to the fans watching them.
To the previously-taped interview! Don West sits down with Samoa Joe. He tells us to take notes, that this is the definition of broadcast journalism. Joe talks about being like brothers with AJ Styles, and that while they fight sometimes, they resolve their differences and have each other’s backs. When he goes to war, he sometimes forgets who his allies are. He reminds Don West about the Main Event Mafia trying to end his career by breaking his arm in a chair and laughing about it, and how they came into TNA and pillaged it, stealing everything they have from the real warriors, like himself and AJ, who created the company and earned everything that they have.
DGT: Very strong interview segment. Extra credit for bringing up why the Main Event Mafia was supposed to be bad in the first place.
To the back! Painfully bad Abyss interview segment. No. Just no.
Match #3: Awesome Kong (w/ Raisha Saeed) and Taylor Wilde defeat Daffney and Angelina Love (w/ Velvet Sky and Madison Rayne): Love and Daffney actually work fairly well as a team for a bit. Daffney distracts the referee several times. Kong gets Love up for an Awesome Bomb, but Madison Rayne jumps up on the apron and distracts her. Raisha Saeed goes after Rayne, but Velvet Sky sprays Saeed in the eyes with hairspray. Love gets away, and Kong hits the Implant Buster on Daffney for the win. Post-match, The Beautiful People jump Awesome Kong. Tara runs out and goes after The Beautiful People, and ends up face to face with Kong. Don West points out how Kong must be angry that Tara gets a title shot and Kong does not.
DGT: So Daffney has more of a problem with Taylor Wilde for not being around to help her than she does with the person who actually assaulted her and cut her hair, causing her psychotic regression? Ok. The Kong/Tara situation will be an interesting one to watch. Don West called Velvet Sky “one of the great brawlers of the Knockout division.” Gold!
To the back! JB interviews Team 3D, specifically about Beer Money’s failure to make the save for them against The British Invasion last week.
To the Cody Deaner training with ODB video! ‘Nuff said.
To the back! SoCal Val tries to interview Lethal Consequences and the Motor City Machine Guns about their upcoming ppv match and tonight’s four-way tag team match. Lethal constantly interrupts her and talks over her in “Macho- speak,” telling her to do her job in one breath and telling her to leave in the next, while making repeated comments about their past relationship and her sleeping with his best friend. No one else is able to complete a sentence without Lethal verbally running over him. Lethal tells Alex Shelley to keep Val away from his best friend or she’ll sleep with him for sure. Shelley says that he would have no problem with Val sleeping with Sabin, and tries to talk about the upcoming ppv match, where one of Detroit’s Finest will win back the X-Division Championship, and while they’re at it, they may just pull that mask off of Suicide. Lethal takes issue with these claims of victory, and the interview degenerates into a shouting match between all involved.
DGT: Good for TNA for finally acknowledging previous angles. However, this wasn’t nearly as funny or entertaining as the people in charge seem to think it is. The idea was perfectly sound, but the execution, not so much. Lethal was so very annoying here. Too much, just too much. Reigning Lethal in a bit might have made it work better. Sorry, Val, if a sultry redhead is going to score with Chris Sabin, it’s SOOO not going to be you. I fight dirty.
To the back! SoCal Val interviews Beer Money. Why weren’t they there to help Team 3D against The British Invasion last week, when Team 3D made the save for them the week before? Beer Money doesn’t owe anybody anything, least of all Team 3D. Team 3D shows up at that very moment and takes exception to that statement. There’s no paraphrasing this. James Storm says, “Where do you think we were? We just won $100,000! We were drinking beer and counting money! Do you know how much beer $100,000 will buy? 43,126 bottles, 3 strippers, 2 bottles of whiskey, and a midget.” Beer Money laughs hysterically and talks about the great time involving the afore-mentioned items. Team 3D is not happy. James Storm isn’t done yet. “Hey, maybe next time, you can come back and be our bitch!” Devon grabs Robert Roode, who points out that Storm is the one who said it. Devon agrees, and punches Storm. All four men fight down the hall and through an exit door.
DGT: James Storm is a promo god!
Match #4: Team 3D and Beer Money defeat Lethal Consequences and the Motor City Machine Guns: Lethal Consequences and the Motor City Machine Guns made their respective entrances. Team 3D enters, still brawling with Beer Money. They continue to fight on the outside. Lethal Consequences dive to the outside and get involved, while the MCMG stand in the ring and watch everyone else go at it. Suicide takes this opportunity to rush the ring and take out both Sabin and Shelley. He then makes his getaway, and Team 3D enters the ring, officially starting the match. Team 3D hit the 3D on a prone Alex Shelley for the win.
DGT: Ok…. Did this even go 30 seconds? This was one of two matches I was really looking forward to seeing tonight, and cheated is a mild term to describe how I feel. Again, the tag team storyline and the X-Division storyline need separation. Sure, they can overlap in places, but this was a mess.
To the back! SoCal Val interviews AJ Styles and Samoa Joe. Joe has AJ’s back, and things between them are all good.
To Mick Foley’s office! Foley welcomes a new “Head of Security,” who looks rather old. JB wants to hang up a new picture of Foley and JB, all cartoon-style. Foley takes down a picture of AJ Styles to make room, but tells JB that he has a guy to do that for him. The guy in question is Kip James, who enters wearing a tool belt. He and his family thank Foley for this chance to work. Kip hangs the picture and leaves.
DGT: We’re supposed to feel bad for Kip James, who is being manipulated by Big Bad Foley and doing handyman work in order to support his family. I just don’t care, and don’t feel bad for Kip James. Do you?
To the back! JB interviews Kurt Angle. Angle says that Sting has taught him a great deal and changed his life. Everything is much less stressful since he ceased to be the Godfather of the Main Event Mafia. He doesn’t need to scream and yell and rant anymore, he can reason with people, and be calm and in control to get what he wants. The entirety of the MEM will be in Detroit, Joe should know that. He will “kick Joe’s ass” at “Slammiversary,” and afterwards, “we will all celebrate.”
DGT: Interesting. This is the first Kurt Angle interview that has actually intrigued me in ages. His repetition of the phrase “We will ALL celebrate” sparks the possibility of another MEM shake-up. Curiouser and curiouser, said Alice.
Match #5: AJ Styles & Samoa Joe defeat Kurt Angle & Sting and Mick Foley & Jeff Jarrett: Foley and Sting start. After back-and-forth action, Sting tags in Angle. Foley tags in Jarrett, and Jarrett and Angle have a go. Foley tags back in, and Angle works over Foley’s leg. Angle gets punched by Joe and AJ. Jarrett tags back in, and while Jarrett and Angle go, Foley moves to the announce table, pulls on headphones, and praises Jarrett as “a breed apart.” Foley remains at the table, leaving Jarrett no partner. Foley returns to ringside, but too late for a tag. Jarrett tags in Joe, who cleans house and powerbombs Angle onto Sting. Jarrett moves to the announce table and yells at Foley. Foley says that he came back, but Jarrett chose not to use him. Jarrett attacks Foley, hitting him and all the security with a chair. Joe hits Angle with a Muscle Buster and pins Angle.
DGT: Since Joe pinned Angle, they may as well have announced that Joe won’t win the title on Sunday. This was the only match all night that went more than four minutes, which is disappointing. Foley on commentary during his own match and not helping Jarrett was well-done.
FINAL THOUGHTS: As the go-home show for a major pay-per-view like “Slammiversary,” it would have been nice to see more than one match go over four minutes. This really felt like a “we need to get the whole roster on the show tonight” booking. Three of the five matches featured tag teams in some form. The really real tag teams had a non- match that officially lasted about half a minute, and the main event tag team match went almost ten minutes. Meh. Even so, there are reasons to watch the “Slammiversary” ppv. Tara gets her first Knockouts title shot against one of the best actual wrestlers in the company. The Monster’s Ball match, for all my criticisms of how the match itself is misused, promises a good time with Raven/Daffney against Abyss/Taylor Wilde. Beer Money will be awesome in all possible ways. The X-Division “King of the Mountain” match will probably steal the show, even if you aren’t a fan of the KOTM concept. Is it bad that I want ppvs to feel like epic, can’t-miss events? In any case, you wanted predictions, and you got predictions!
Super Special “Slammiversary” Predictions:
PRE-SHOW MATCH: Rhino and Eric Young vs. The British Invasion: This is awkward, and thrown out there. The British Invasion wins here. Firstly, they actually need the win. Secondly, Rhino is already upset with his charge, Navy Boy Jesse Neal, for his loss to Matt Morgan, and Eric Young is upset with the entire world. These two have to lose, possibly through British Invasion cheating or a screw-up by a tag team partner, in order to further their respective pissed-offedness. I’d like to see the Brits get a clean win to establish their legitimate threat to the other tag teams, as it’s the free pre-show, but I doubt we’ll see it.
KING OF THE MOUNTAIN MATCH (WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPIONSHIP): Champion Mick Foley vs. Jeff Jarrett vs. AJ Styles vs. Samoa Joe vs. Kurt Angle: Foley and Jarrett will be targeting each other during the match. Joe (depending on his physical capability) will be trying to kill Angle during this match. This leaves AJ free to win the title. As much as I want to see this happen, I don’t think it will. Firstly, AJ is still the Legends Champion, and having him hold two belts at once doesn’t seem like something that would be green-lit right now. Secondly, as cynical as it sounds, we all know that only Foley, Jarrett, or Angle have any chance at actually winning. My gut feeling is that Foley loses the title, but to whom? I’m saying Kurt Angle. Angle has stayed on the back burner lately, and winning the World Heavyweight title would definitely raise his stock in the Main Event Mafia, which he no longer controls. The odds have also been established as firmly against Angle, as he has no back-up in the match. He’s therefore the most likely to win. Foley and Jarrett can go after each other without the title belt being involved, and Foley’s position would be weakened somewhat by not having the title. Think back to Angle’s comment that “all of us will celebrate.” The Main Event Mafia will probably turn on Sting, punk him out, and bring Matt Morgan into the MEM, allowing Angle to reclaim his position as “Godfather.”
KING OF THE MOUNTAIN MATCH (X-DIVISION CHAMPIONSHIP): Champion Suicide vs. “Black Machismo” Jay Lethal vs. Consequences Creed vs. Alex Shelley vs. Chris Sabin (Detroit Tigers star Curtis Granderson will present the X-Division Championship to the winner): Chris Sabin is in the match, what do you think? Duh! Unfortunately, I don’t think he will. It’s an X-Division title match. It’s in Detroit (sort of). Since the MCMG are supposed to be bad guys, and since the “hometown advantage” usually ends up not working, neither Sabin nor Shelley are likely choices. I think the unmasking of Suicide will get drawn out even longer. Suicide will retain because the other four guys get too caught up in trying to unmask him and fighting with each other. Suicide will also escape with his real identity intact. This match has been set up the exact same way as the main event match, in that Suicide is the one guy with no allies in the match, and with the odds against him, he’s the most likely to win.
TAG TEAM CHAMPIONSHIP MATCH: Champions Team 3D vs. Beer Money: Beer Money. Please, please, please let Beer Money win! Despite the fact that “mutual respect” seemd to implode on “Impact,” it doesn’t have to be completely gone yet. Ideally, the match will begin with “mutual respect,” and gradually, Beer Money will get more aggressive and employ more overtly heelish tactics. By the end, Beer Money totally screws over Team 3D to win the belts, then cuts a promo either post-match or at the first “Impact” about how they played the old guys and used their own arrogance and egos against them. Any other result will force me shout “Turnip!” in a very loud voice.
KNOCKOUTS CHAMPIONSHIP MATCH Champion Angelina Love vs. Tara: Angelina Love retains, through cheating, skullduggery, and nefarious means. Love has been an outstanding heel champion, and she really hasn’t held the title long enough to lose it. Tara should absolutely take it from her, but not yet. Tara just got here, and I’d like to see her chase Angelina a bit longer. This is a great set-up, but it needs more build.
Daniels vs. Shane Douglas (Winner gets spot on TNA roster): Daniels wins. At least, I hope against hope that Daniels wins. However, simply because it’s pointless and counterproductive, Douglas will probably win. Otherwise, why bring him back? This match is stupid. Daniels hasn’t been back long enough to realistically put his spot on the line. Douglas winning it accomplishes nothing. Sure, let them have a match, but putting this kind of stipulation on it this early is a really bad idea. The problem with this match stipulation is that if he loses, Daniels is essentially fired for the third time in recent memory. How many times can you make one guy do this? Having a person in power suddenly bring him back again only cheapens and weakens the stipulation even more. If a Daniels/Douglas match absolutely had to happen now, putting this stipulation on it should not have been done. A standard match would have been fine.
Abyss and Taylor Wilde vs. Raven and Daffney (Monster’s Ball mixed tag team match): Raven and Daffney to win. The Monster’s Ball match shouldn’t be done this often, and it shouldn’t be just another trash can match. Remember the original set-up. Each competitor was locked in an isolation room for 24 hours prior to the match, with no food, water, or light. Their ring entrances were the first freedom they had tasted in 24 hours, and there was a psychological aspect to the match that has since vanished. In any case, Taylor Wilde beat Daffney at last month’s Knockouts Monster’s Ball match, so Daffney needs to get her win back. Raven also does not need to lose to Abyss right now.
Matt Morgan vs. Sting: If Matt Morgan wins, Sting accepts him into the Main Event Mafia. If not, presumably, Morgan stops bothering them. Matt Morgan wins, possibly with some interference that turns out to be set up by Kurt Angle. Morgan then helps Angle to win the World title in the main event, the MEM kicks Sting to the curb, and Angle reclaims his role as “Godfather” of the MEM.
Check back with us here at boredwrestlingfan.com on Sunday night/Monday morning for a full review of “Slammiversary!”
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"Why is it so awesome when Red does it, and criticized when anyone else does?"
Red looks like a 12 year old. Always has. Even now, he looks like he's regressed in age. No child could some of the crazy shit he does. Plus, he's amazing. Its in his name, just like how Loser Creed is a Loser.
OMG HE'S BENJAMIN F'ING BUTTON.
James Storm's promo: Pure gold.
The opening segment: Trying to stir up some high ratings, a la RAW's highest rated segment EVER, without The Rock and Yurple the Clown is not going to work. Hell, WWE had The Rock do a Mick Foley "This is your life" segment, and it didn't even come close to the original in terms of ratings.