iMPACT: January 13, 2011.By G · · Leave a Comment
G’s going big time! Yup, now you can suffer through this TNA review through 3 websites (yeah, I’ll plug myself). Thanks to the wonderful world of iMPACT, I return to describe what I am seeing on my television and what I’m thinking about as it happens…. Tonight is the fallout from Genesis on Sunday. Pretty much every title changed hands, and Jeff “Jailbird Junkie” Hardy dropped the title to an asshole.
Plus, I totally sold out and started selling advertisement time in these things via McDonald’s.
– Somebody decided that Astrology is just not relevant enough, they went and changed all the signs. I used to be a Gemini, and now I’m a Taurus. That’s bull. Actually, I don’t really care. I just wanted to make a really bad joke, that just so happens to be true.
– Tonight’s craptactular episode is entitled, “The One that Got Away.” We see Jeff Jarrett and notorious Karen Angle Jarrett get out of a limo… So the title’s mystique is already gone. Also:
^ Totally hotter than Karen! And doubles as Smurfette by day…
– New Heavyweight Champion, Mr. Anderson starts the show and totally kicks ass on a promo running down a history about his time on the indie circut, and busting his ass “over there.” He makes an indirect reference to HHH with an impression as a little birdie in McMahon’s ear! AWESOME. Loved that. He openly rips on the WWE. Dude, I love this asshole. Then he thanks Bischoff and Carter for bringing him to TNA and allowing him to be “himself.” He thanks all the assholes in the crowd. I never tire of this shtick, honestly…. it’s very cool. He calls out Matt Morgan to “grace us with your presence.” Out comes the Chris Nowinski of TNA…
LINE OF THE NIGHT!!!
(Anderson is carrying the belt over his shoulder)
Morgan: “The only reason you are wearing that title around your waist….”
Anderson: “It’s not on my waist”
Morgan: “Blah, blah, blah…” basically that’s what he said… then I came back and just fucked up his head.
– Sometimes memorizing your lines exposes your ability to improvise contextually, huh? Morgan is coming for the title apparently. Morgan congratulates him, but there is some heat. I guess. Easy-E, Eric Bischoff is out! He’s still old! BOB DOLE! Bischoff corrects him on the history of Mr. Anderson’s “Backstory.” I like backstories, actually. I’d link to 7 articles that I wrote about that subject involving clones, a knife, J of the Internet, and so forth. But alas, I cannot. One day I will repost that inane garbage on Wonderpod Online, I’m sure.
– Bischoff tells us no one cares about Anderson’s story and when Hulk Hogan gets home, he’s gonna be in big trouble, brother. Cut to future convict Jeff Hardy on the television screen. He says some cryptic shit, and the RVD attacks him backstage. Enter Matt “Raven/Tyler Rekks” Hardy who beats on RVD. Then Anderson comes to RVD’s aid, and so does all of the Fortune/Immortal guys. Brawls and stuff… Decent start to the show. Overbooked, as usual.
^ Evidence of Matt Hardy’s new “look” from later in the show.
– Speaking of Matt Hardy, go check out ThinkSoJoE’s An open letter to @MattHardyBrand… It’s a good article!
COMMERCIAL BREAK TIME!
McDonald’s Restaurants will “embarass” you if you cannot memorize their advertising campaign… or kill you… either or, it involves a creepy clown and bad times!
Charles Barkley @G: “That clown is one creepy honkey, G. But straight up, this motherfucker was the scariest clown of all… ok sending the link…”
G @Charles Barkley: “HAHAHAHAHHAHHA!!! Nice! Pennywise! Love that band! Good call Barks!”
– Beer Money (new tag team champions) defends their titles versus The Motor City Machine Guns. This will be the match of the night, even if it’s mediocre for them. Shelley hits a neat looking running bulldog on one heel while catching the other with his free arm into a simultaneous DDT! That was cool. As per usual, it’s almost impossible to describe these guys, and I don’t do play by plays. It wasn’t a barnbuster, but it was great. Beer Money! retains.
– More backstage drama as Kurt Angle arrives backstage and Tenay and Taz shill the fireworks that will ensue.
^ Never doubt the powers of Out-of-shape-Superman. EVER.
– Backstage RVD and Anderson rant about taking to Immortal/Fortune. They are going to bring some “friends” with them, weapons that is. I liked this bit. Short, to the point…. and dare I say logical? WTF TNA? You are not supposed to make sense. For shame… for shame, indeed.
– Money rains from the sky as your Pope, my Pope, THE Pope comes out to address the allegations by his stalker Samoa Joe and all the fraudulant money raising he’s been doing. Pope forgives Joe for the stalking, but questions whether Joe would forgive Pope if he was following him and his wife around on his own time. What? Pope cuts to the “Dixie-Tron.” And they cut to a scene of two Hippopotamus’ having sexy-time. Then refers to Joe’s wife having a kid, cut to a Sow breast feeding multiple piglets. Obviously this means it’s time to rumble, and Joe comes out to beat down the Pope, who hightails it out of the ring. Joe promises he will get his hands on the Pope… fun segment.
– Cut to RVD and Anderson stealth attacking Immortal (i.e. Beer Money) with weapons behind closed doors. All we hear is attacking sounds… The camera man films the door… The faces exit…
RVD: “Two down, now let’s find the Hardy’s”
RVD calls back into the room: “Thank you!”
Anderson: “Lead the way captain, lead the way…”
– I liked that part…
^ Random kick to the head. I just felt like posting this meme.
– Flair, Bischoff and AJ stumble across Beer Money… they are not pleased, obviously. Then Jarrett sets up his retirement from MMA action segment… we cut to…
COMMERCIAL BREAK TIME!
It get’s worse. I remember being like 12 or some shit, feeling peer pressure to remember all of the lyrics of the McDonald’s menu items in this horrible rap or being shamed by the playground community. Why is this relevant? See, the way the contest worked, is that if you got the vinyl disc (square shaped) that featured the final singing of the song correctly, you won a million fucking dollars. There was only one… sort of like the Highlander series. So, essentially you had to know the exactly words to know if you had the right disc…
– Jeff Jarrett enters the ring, and has words with the marks that think the MMA challenge was real at ringside. These guys show up every taping to get the TV time they selfishly desire. It makes me miss Sign-Guy Dudley. Jarrett starts his “hanging up the gloves” promo, and notes his win over Kurt Angle in their “exhibition” at Genesis. And claims he has nothing left to prove… and brings out his wife, Karen Angle Jarrett. Shit like this makes it impossible to deny that wrestling is a soap opera, huh?
– Kurt comes out instead and they look as if they are going to go… until Karen comes out for real, and shrieks at Kurt about being off TV for two years, and “you will NOT steal the joy from our lives, Kurt Angle!” Then tells us she will address the situation from her point of view next week. I hope she stops shrieking, personally. Kurt looks stoic as the segment ends.
^ There will be no escape for Kurt Angle next week. Cosby will be there.
– We return to observe Kurt Angle smashing things backstage angrily…
– Madison Rayne and Tara verus Angelina Love verse Winter. Remember that storyline where the mirror-based Katie Burchill finally revealed her presence to somehow win the tag titles with Angelina a couple weeks back? No, me neither, but apparently people booking the show do. Not too much happens before Mickie James runs out and interferes by attacking Madison. Things just dissolve and Angelina and Winter win.
– The Hardy’s cut a quick promo… the best part is that Jeff claims his face is on the title. Ahh, so that is what that monstrosity is supposed to be…
^ See the resemblance? It’s pretty obvious, naturally. All you need is a whole lot of drugs…
– New Television Champion Abyss versus Matt Morgan. Oh god… with so little wrestling on this show, and we get this? Meh… yeah, I’m already disinterested. It’s a slow motion hoss fest. You know what that means! FFW!!! Put it on a high speed, and suddenly it’s interesting to watch! Morgan wins in the non-title match. Then Rob Terry sniffs his hand at the entrance ramp and runs off… because that’s what this match needs, more hoss! At least Ric Flair also joins in on the Morgan beat-down.
COMMERCIAL BREAK TIME!
And if you lived in Canada, you may have stumbled across the French version of this ad that “mostly” aired in Quebec.
– We see Amazing Red’s Big Brother Crimson from a few weeks back choking out Abyss and that on February 3rd, “They’re coming for Immortal.” Ahh… playing off Abyss’s previous threats. Nice. Then he relays this message to a cynical response from Bischoff and Flair.
– The Hardy’s versus RVD/Anderson. Tenay has been reminding us that the Hardy’s haven’t teamed in three years…. wow, I feel old. Thanks Tenay! This might be good… There is still 22 minutes left in the show after all…
^ I grab a snack… just can’t find my mouth-hole…
– Lots of time is saved as the Hardy’s get to steppin’, and brawling before the match starts. They give us a fairly decent first segment of action. Nothing too crazy, but solid. We return to the usual face-in-distress (RVD) who is isolated and beaten until the hot tag… Anderson clears the ring, and picks up a NO!!! near fall on Jeff. Matt interferes, leading to a ref bump on Brian Hebner by Ken. This allows Beer Money! to pull a run in and help the Hardy’s… which essentially sets up the Hardy’s to win. Out comes Fortune/Immortal and beatdowns! EVERYONE GETS BEATDOWN ON iMPACT TONIGHT!
– The TNA logo comes up, and I’m out.
This iMPACT Review Appears on Three Sites!
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