Home ▸ Impact ▸ Impact Wrestling 07/14/11

Hot off the heels of Sunday’s Destination X PPV, Impact Wrestling is set to follow up with something dubbed “A Midsummer’s Nightmare,” or so we’ve been told by Heath Farley last week. For those of you that have already read spoilers… well… let’s just get to this.

I watch, write, suffer, and succumb to this show, yet have to remind myself of what happened only minutes after each episode. That is how G’s iMPACT reviews work.

Charles Barkley @G: “I used to do the Cactus Jack gun gesture once in a while, back in the day. Looking forward to seeing Foley tonight. Oh yeah, thanks for the Google Plus hookup G!”

G @Charles Barkley: “No problem with the G+! But, well Foley kind of got fired over a month ago… so…”

– After a video montage showing us the mental degeneration of Sting into his Joker persona, and Mr. Anderson conceding that he indeed needs Immortal to help him defend his title.

– Out comes Immortal to start the show, with all members dressed in tuxedos… Abyss looks bizarre here. His sleeves are cut off, and his bow tie dangles. Bischoff refuses to conform being the only one not wearing a bowtie or a white shirt. There’s a bunch of valets, who leave. There is a poker table in the ring, and we are told by Easy-E that they are going to gamble with people’s careers because they can, and they plan on throwing Mr. Anderson a party and that he will leave tonight still the Immoral World Champion. Out comes Kenny… dressed in some god awful looking suit. I think someone spilled a bunch of paint on it randomly. Hogan tells him he’s glad they are on the same page. Hugs and stuff. Then the lights go out! They come back on and Sting is in the ring seated at the poker table. Bischoff and Hogan yell at him, and Sting continues his over the top ranting… and he’s got a bunch of Aces in the hole. Then he picks up a card, it’s an Ace of Spades, which he flicks at them. Since he is not channeling his inner Gambit, the card does not explode with kinetic energy. Disappointing. He keeps pulling out aces off the table, alluding to his back up plan. In the rafters, we see a plethora a clown-wearing goons. Fuck sakes, this really is Batman. “I’m all in,” states Sting as he flips the card table, and the lights go out and he’s gone.

SPOILER ALERT: Sting will rip off this character next week! Unless I am full of shit…. which I am.

– A breakdown of the Bound For Glory tournament, explaining the rules, the importance, and most astonishingly (let’s be honest, these guys fuck up just about everything), that HOUSE SHOW MATCHES COUNT. That is one of the smartest things they have done. It makes those matches mean more, and it makes TV matches mean more as well… sort of like this one:

– * Bound For Glory Series: Bobby Roode vs. Samoa Joe vs. Pope D’Angelo Dinero. I like that Tenay explains that a submission win is worth 10 points, and that is why Joe is making certain decisions. Love this psychology! None of these three are even on the board with ZERO points, so there is an air of desparation. Your Pope, My Pope, THE Pope lands a sick looking DDT which Roode sells huge! Pope goes to launch off the top rope, but Roode begins to recover! Nice back and forth broken up by Joe, who gets tossed. Near fall for Roode, BUT NO! Lots of spots are traded as Joe eventually sets Roode up in a rear naked choke, but Roode rolls (while held) into pin. Earl Hebner counts three on the pinfall, missing Bobby tapping out. Joe flips out, and multiple refs come out to defend the old screwjob expert! Great match, loved the finish!

That match was pretty cool… but not as cool as this animated gif. This is just awesome. 🙂

– Hogan and Bischoff instructs Immortal to kill Sting, basically. The FIRST mention of the PPV on Sunday happens. Eric scolds Abyss for losing the X Division title to Brian Kendrick. Then Jeffy Jeff Jarrett and Karen Angle-Jarret return from Mexico, with shitty souvenirs for everyone! YAY! Except me… BOO! Jeff reveals that during his time in Mexico, he captured the AAA heavy weight belt, which gets some camera time, Hogan visibly looks like he is having an orgasm.

Just in case anyone reading this, didn’t actually know that he’s the King of the Mountain in Mexico now. He also traveled back in time and single evenhandedly defeated the Spanish Conquistadors! Then stole all the Aztecs gold anyways… because he’s a heel, right?

– Devon’s kids are hanging with Mr. Cooper D’Angelo and Devon confronts him, and berates him about trying to be an authority figure over his kids. I don’t understand this angle at all…

I wish my phone could do this.

– Over on Google Plus, the BWF and WPO’s own @Justin Ruff notes that Elmo of Sesame Street fame is like crack for babies. I think that’s unfair to make crack just for babies, and not full grown adults like me.

– Finally we get a clip package of highlights from the Destination X PPV. And we see both Shannon Moore continuing to try WAY too hard to represent the 1% of society, and the Spanish announce table (they MUST remind us of that every week).

More awesome!

* Austin Aries vs. Shannon Moore. Keep in mind Aries won the fourway for a contract match at the PPV. Aries actually tries to show respect with a handshake, but Moore will have none of it. This match looks to be a “gooder.” Aries does a bunch of cocky moves, almost mocking the match. Not quite Teddy Hart, but I wonder about a bit of stuff considering this guy claimed to retire after not making the WWE’s return of Tough Enough. It’s not that he’s sloppy at all… We get a number of great high spots, but Aries eventually grabs some book (Moore’s forgettable gimmick I can’t remember), but Moore snatches it back, and the ref confiscates it. Then, Aries grabs a chain Moore wears, and clocks Moore… with the ref distracted, Aries picks up the win. Alex Shelley runs in and picks up the chain, more or less asking WTF.

– As Abyss cuts a promo to get his X Division title back, a clown with a bat stalks him… as Abyss turns to walk away the clown goes Home-Run-Derby on him.

Pennywise remains as champion of scary clowns… well, maybe John-Wayne Gacy for being real deserves a mention, but still.

– Moore whines about being taken out by the chain… cut to Aries, who remains all cocky. Love it…. cut to Tara’s feud with Madison Rayne (man, Wayne Arnold is going crazy with his clips)… cut to Madison…. blah blah blah, nothing here folks. Wait, cut to ANOTHER interview with Tara. She has a present for Madison, but Rayne will have to wait until after the match. Yet she says it’s to mend wounds. But they need to fight first? WHAT? HOW DOES THAT MAKE SENSE? WHY WOULD YOU FUCKING FIGHT FIRST? WHY IS THERE A FIGHT AT ALL THEN? DUMB!!!! (/Al Creed).

– A quick chat between So Cal Val and Scott Steiner backstage leads to another attack by a baseball bat bearing clown henchman.

– * Tara vs. Madison Rayne. Madison puts out her hands like a spoiled little girl wanting the present, Tara teases giving it, but NO IT WILL BE AFTER THE MATCH. So Madison asks Tara to lay down and take the pin. Madison has apparently ditched the chainmail mini skirt/bra combination, as she heard my protest that they will not deflect goblin arrows. This match kind of sucks though, and not as a result of Tara, who carries the bloody thing. But the god awful screeching by Madison forces my hand:

Rules are rules. Thank you AJ! Clap-clap-clap, clap, clap!

– Madison manages to toss out Tara, and go for the gift, and opens it to find Tara has placed her pet taratula (remember that gimmick?). Sigh. Madison shrieks some more, Tara comes in and capitalizes finishing off Rayne for the win. Then, Tenay reminds us the pet’s name is “Poison.” Right, forgot about that terrible creative name.

Charles Barkley @G: “It’s pronounce TURR-A-BULL. Get your shit together, honkey.”

G @Charles Barkley: “Whoops, sorry Barks!”

– The British Invasion have a little pep talk backstage…

– Kurt Angle is here! And he’s dressed to talk in the standard uniform of jeans and T-Shirt issued to all staff courtesy of Impact Wrestling! Angle reminds us he is the number one contender for the title, and will face who ever is champion on August 7th at Hardcore Justice. Angle runs down the history between him and Anderson, as well as Sting. He’s got beef with both of them, especially Sting who Angle has NEVER beaten. Cut backstage to Jeff and Karen making their way to a limo jeep thing, and as Karen opens the back door to stash her luggage, out pops another sadistic clown who drags off Jeff into the darkness whilst choking him out with a bat.

– * #1 Contender’s Match: Mexican America vs. The British Invasion. Hernandez decides to remind us how poor his skills are on the microphone briefly, and then passes the microphone to Not-Chavo who regurgitates some nonsense. The British Invasion run it and attack! Williams and Magnus are fired up, and immediately go into form as the ref rings the bell… We get some great aggression here, as both teams come at each other. Williams spills ketchup all over his face (hardway or well hidden blade job). The BI hits a neat tandem running knee to the corner on Not-Chavo, then tosses him to the middle of the ring, allowing Magnus to bite into a Slim Jim and drop a sweet top rope elbow. But heeltastically, Rosita interferes and distracts allowing for Mexican America to pick up a dirty pinfall.

– Eric talks to Gunner and Bubba backstage about being the last line of defense in this TURRIBLE play off of a horror movie… involving clowns. Because they are following the cliche script, Gunner walks away alone, as does Eric, leaving Bubba alone in the Immortal office… in a tuxedo. FUCK, DIDN’T ANYONE LEARN FROM JAMIE KENNEDY’S CHARACTER IN SCREAM?!?!? FUCK! YOU NEVER SPLIT UP!

Pictured above, the only good character Jamie Kennedy played advising a former WCW Champion.

– Quick interview with the new X-Division Champion (and chronic weed smoking masturbation maestro), Brian Kendrick, who cuts a slightly obscure promo on facing Alex Shelley for the title, the rights to which Shelley earned in his Ultimate X match at the PPV on Sunday.

– Gunner is seen in a parking lot yelling at… well four clowns with bats who come out of the darkness like a scene from The Warriors. They fuck him up. then they demask, and it is revealed it is Fourtune: Kaz, Styles, Danielson, and Redneck Jesus himself, James Storm.

Well, at least the clowns kind of make sense now. Obviously playing off of the previous feud between Immortal and Fourtune. BTW, The Warriors video game from a few years back is STILL the absolute best movie-to-game adaptation ever. Feel free to debate this with me, anytime smark.

– * TNA World Title Match: Mr. Anderson {C} vs. Sting. Anderson calls for his microphone… delays… the crowd boos. When it finally swings down, it’s obviously off cue, so Anderson tosses it away looking pissed. Jeremy Borash makes the official introduction, which they have been doing on and off for a while. And it is what it is, a brawler match… even though Sting sadistically laughs off Anderson’s initial punches, no-selling and making this guy G bored. Brawl, brawl, brawl. Yawn. While this match is given lots of time, I’m sorry folks, but it’s boring as hell. At one point we see the ref knocked out, and Anderson tap out… so Bubba Ray interferes with his chain (not to be confused with Shannon Moore’s chain from earlier). Anderson holds a prone Sting as Bubba goes to KO him. BUT NO! The lights go out and a clown appears! The clown takes out Bubba, THEN THE LIGHTS GO OUT AGAIN. Man, they need to pay their power company. Now the clown is seen on the entrance ramp, Sting pins Anderson and NEW WORLD CHAMPION. The clown at the ramp demasks to reveal himself as Kurt Angle. Best title reign ever.

The Impact Wrestling logo comes up, and I’m out.

Hi Colt Cabana!

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This iMPACT Review Appears on Three Sites!

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A break down of various professional wrestling programs and events from the eyes of the smarky fan! I highly recommend checking out the BWF!

The official home of Wonderpod, and an assortment of content ranging from all things wide and far… depending on what the author’s feel like writing about. A home for reviews, commentary, pop culture, and fiction just to start. Always worth a look.

BTW, Actually
These reviews started off in a place called Project Wonderboy, a site that shares the name with it’s original founder, “whatever.” But this incarnation was under the Morphine Nation banner. That site is now evolved with all it’s original members at BTW, Actually. This place is all about challenging censorship and political correctness in an intelligent way.

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Shameless Plugs!

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The Cultural Revolution (TCR Comix)
Al Creed’s comics dominate tongue and cheek humour here.

Wonderpod
A weekly podcast about the world of video games, from player experiences to current events in the industry, Bruce McGee, Pat Man, and Gun Sage provide insight into the medium for any gamer (whether casual or “pro”). Clicking the jump will take you to the iTunes page!

LarG Productions
An online music production project, free tunes spanning many genres… check it out!

Thinksobrain
ThinkSoJoE’s band, who is also the boss over at Bored Wrestling Fan. For those digging some sweet metal influenced, intriguing tunes… you really need to grab yourself an earfull.

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G’s “THE RULES” reviewing wrestling, currently TNA‘s iMPACT:

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Sting is “Heath Farley”
Zema Ion must be referred to as “Juan Epstein” from now on
James Storm is Redneck Jesus
Jason Hervey is Wayne Arnold.
Angelina Love is a zombie.
Whenever Godzilla is mentioned, Charles Barkley will “tweet” G, and mention he fought “A Godzilla” once. G will point out it is the creature’s name, not the species.
Beer Money! always has an exclamation point. Fuck grammar.
While I might not watch the live-to-tv airing, I will get the review of the show up the night of… but I WILL record it (PVR), so I can FFW through commercials.
If I pause for any reason, or rewind for that matter, I will make note of it. It’s TN-Fucking-A, I can’t save face admitting I’m watching it at this point anyways.
I edit in real time, in the sense, while the show is on my television.
MATT HARDY IS NOW “Some Internet Guy”
D’ANGELO DINERO is “Your Pope, my Pope, THE Pope”
GUNNER AND MURPHY ARE NOW GUNNER AND HIS… PAL courtesy of Ric Flair….
“Shut up hooker!” AJ Styles line http://www.gifsoup.com/view3/1550422/classy-aj-o.gif
“Heeltastic” – DrowGoddess needs more, and since she’s awesome, I’ll provide it.
Velvet Sky appearances require animated gifs and PatMan references.
“Heavy Burtation” occasionally something makes no sense. http://wonderpodonline.com/?p=1720
Michelle McCool references are renamed “Michelle McRibs” even though she is not on this show (Former Smackdown rule, that MUST apply).

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