I caught the debut of Lucha Underground last week, and was very impressed. The show is different, but in a good way. It’s a little gritty, but well produced. The story telling is far more cinematic than anything out there, and the wrestling is solid. Sure, it has it’s flaws, but for a pilot, it was certainly refreshing. And get this… it’s only an hour!

Hopping Tiempo!

“Rarely do I ever have a problem watching NXT. It’s almost always solid from top to bottom. I have spent time reviewing Smackdown and Impact, but why punish myself? Fuck that. Lucha Underground is where it’s at. This is not a move for move recap, just a diary of the experience of watching the show. …”.

– Dario Cueto promised the winner of the main event last week $100,000, only to pull the money away after the match from John Mundo. Two thugs entered the ring to attack both combatants. Sexy Star was built up to face a man, and only get crushed. And Chavo Guerrero was shamed in the ring and backstage by Cueto. What the fuck happens…. (last)night?

– *The Crenshaw Crew came out and cut a promo. These are the thugs, and it’s official Big Zeke, of WWE fame is the goons boss, and now goes by Big Ryck. They are here to beat up people and take their money.

– Prince Puma and John Mundo hit the ring! They clear the ring and Cueto comes out, and holla holla holla, playah, he makes it a tag match (one on one with the UndahTakah, playah, hollah!). Big Ryck watches as his… Crenshaw Crew face Mundo and Prince Puma.

– *Prince Puma & John Mundo vs Castro & Cortez. Yeah, the goons have that generic of Hispanic names, but we’ll give them a pass here. Big Ryck sits upon the stairs puffing on a cigar just watching. The CC control much of the match, but the pairs do trade lots of spots. This is high energy and a great display of what wrestling should be. Incorporating all elements without over doing anything. The former Ricochet shines as Puma, and the former John Morrison makes you wonder why the WWE ever let him leave. Puma lands a ridiculous corkscrew splash to the outside to remove… let’s say Cortez from the equation… this let’s them to set up both heels in the middle of the ring for DOUBLE 450 Spinning Frogsplashes from the top ropes!!! Big Ryck is pissed… but not enough to lose his cigar (probably a blunt) as he walks off.

– Konnan tells Puma backstage that he was right about him, he IS Lucha Underground. Puma has no reason to trust Mundo, nor fight his fight. He has one friend, and he is looking at him.

– A promo for Mil Muertes airs… no man is safe, and a taste before a 1000 deaths are coming… TONIGHT!

– *Chavo Guerrero and Sexy Star vs Son of Havoc (Matt “M-Dogg” Cross) and Ivelisse Velez. Striker and Vampiro discuss the gender-neutral combatant nature of LU. Hence the inter-gender match here. And the men can wrestle the women. Ivelisse gets tagged in a little while into the match, and has no problem laying down the beat down on Chavo, because as Vampiro tells us, “She’s a street chick”. This then leads into Sexy Star getting a little revenge from last week of SoH. But SoH “dislocates her face” with a high kick. After a bunch of craziness, Chavo hits the Frogsplash and tags in Sexy Star allowing her to get the pin on Son of Havod for a little revenge. “Eddie” chants break out.

– We get a scene with Mil Muertes and Catrina backstage. She appears to walk up from behind of him, but this suductress vanishes and reappears in front of him. She comes from Dario Cuera and offers “a taste before a 1000 deaths”. Then licks his face and walks off.

– Konnan tells us that a close friend found a new talent for him to train, he had found him in the back alleys, and the talent is a direct relative of the Aztec warriors and was made for this. Konnan recognized the lineage, and while the kid doesn’t really need the help, he wants to ensure he thrives here in Lucha Underground. And that, of course, is Prince Puma.

*Mil Muertes w/ Catrina (NXT’s Maxine) vs Blue Demon Jr. Mil Muertes is billed from “Beyond The Grave”. Ha! Muertes is clearly unrelenting and vicious and goes right after Demon stomping him down, and smashing him into the environment. This match feels more like a brawler, within the context of Lucha Underground (but certainly NOT slow and plodding in the context of the WWE). There is still that lucha high flying acrobatic tendency you’d expect, jut more along the lines of a methodical and calculated approach. As a result, one adjective describes the match: Intense. Muertes spears the shit out of Demon and takes advantage to pin him, and beat him down post match. Chavo Guerrero runs in seemingly to Demon’s aid… BUT NO!!! The chair he holds, he turns upon the Blue Demon! Chavo has already turned heel, allying potentially with the evil Dario Cueto? Random faces run in and eat chair! Then Sexy Star runs in… pleading to Chavo not to… NO!!!! CHAIR SHOT TO THE HEAD ON SEXY STAR STRAIGHT OUT OF WWF NO MERCY FOR THE N64!!!!

– EMTs bring out the stretchers… Chavo stands tall among the dead. As the EMT’s attempt to wheel out the stabalized Blue Demon, Guerrero still gets some shots in, and the ambulance drives off as the credits roll. Did I mention this show has opening and closing credits? Yes. Yes they do.

I criticize because I care. I did enjoy the show. I wouldn’t watch if I didn’t love this shit.

The El Rey logo comes up, and I’m out.

I land my finisher, the “Delete Recording” and call it a night.

Tell me I’m a retard on Twitter! Yes, you can mock me on social media now here: @GoftheInternet




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Sept 6, 2013. I am a clone of G. I am currently handcuffed to one of the lower legs of G’s sofa in his apartment. Yesterday, while the real G was at work, monkey nearby shrieked at me to attempt to lift the sofa. It worked! I went to thank the monkey located in an open-doored cage on the stairs leading down to the basement of G’s basement apartment, and noticed a large man strapped into a chair in the basement. I then heard the original G returning home. I need to find his magical device that created me…

Sept 13, 2013. The real Gee has noticed my writing. That stupid fuck hasn’t deleted anything, but he did taze me repeatedly. I still think there is a monkey held captive on the stairs to the second level of this building.
Sept 20, 2013. Made progress today. Discovered some kind of cloning device. I used it to clone the device itself, and hid the copy under the couch I am “hand-cuffed” to. The monkey saw this, but I don’t think he’ll say anything. He’s a monkey, after all. Some dude named Johnny Storm stopped by to say hi. Weird.

Sept 27, 2013. An obese man who claims to be famous magically appeared in the living room today. He told me the cloning gadget I made a copy of has the powers to do much more. Sounded like a bunch of crap to me. I immediately knocked him out and tied him up beside the one the “real” G calls “Barks.” Both look the same. I killed the new guy and fed him to the other captives. I think. They both look the same. All of that future-talk and preventing the death of kayfabe annoyed me. Either way, one of the “Barks” was dinner. He tasted like chicken. Big surprise there.

Oct 4, 2013. So I guess the guy I fed to his doppleganger was actually able to escape last week with help from that J.T. guy. He was screaming something about “his” chair. Either way, G is pissed and punished me all week. He said something about maybe sending me to Fall Camp. I decided to not make any decisive moves. It seems for the best. Just like the WWE, I guess, albeit “best” isn’t the “best” word I’d use to describe the product.

Oct 18, 2013. It’s been a while since I’ve been able to write here. G has been continually sending me off to ancient historical eras to collect random artifacts. I don’t understand why a stool sample from Henry Hudson is so important. And what was the point of leaving a smoke bomb in the front hall of the Palace of Versailles on May 6, 1682? I’m told I’m going to have to… gotta go. He’s home.

Nov. 8, 2013. I’ve been sent on a bunch of weird missions. The most weird was when G sent me back to 2008. See, I snuck former PM Tony Blair into Buckingham Palace and stapled old-people-face to his kind of already old-people-face. No one has noticed even until today. I still don’t understand why he made me do that.

Nov. 15, 2013. This last week was even more bizarre. He made me put on some suit and a red tie and shave my head, and then pretend to be in control of his weekly scab collecting group. I burst in, and told the vice president and current scab champion collector that I was in charge. We bickered back and forth for a while, and then G kicked in the door dressed in drag and began shrieking that since he was the vice president of the chess club next door he was taking over. Very odd.

Dec. 6, 2013: Charles Barkley recently abducted me and took me on a cruise ship with him. We circumvented the planet, stopping at various ports-of-call, and living the high life again. It was really awesome. Then sadly, today, I awoke only to find myself back on the couch of G’s apartment. Was it all a dream?

Dec. 13, 2013. Nope, not a dream. In fact somewhat of a nightmare. This week I was forced to go to work for G while he vigorously stayed home masturbating (I can only assume) and eating nachos. Work sucked. Firstly, I am not trained to do anything G actually does at his jobs, so I looked like a complete idiot. Oddly enough, some fellow who has a Bruce Springsteen complex and calls himself “The Boss” told me that my work had shown significant improvement today. I am pretty sure G’s jobs don’t involve a body count, though.

Dec 20, 2013. Just got back from a reconnaissance mission to infiltrate Charles Barkley’s place. G insisted I take the monkey from the open cage on the stairs with me. He told me the monkey was given special orders, and my job was to get the little guy into the house. I did as I was told. Once inside, the monkey went to every toilet in the house and proceeded to defecate inside the water tank of each one. I don’t know what G is feeding that monkey, but damn!

Dec 27, 2013. Shit, I’m tired. G outsourced me to that dude who always invades via the apartment balcony to deliver bass strings to the bass player children of the world the other day. Turns out, I fucked up and gave a bunch of five and six string bass player kids, four string packs, so he made me go out AGAIN the next day to fix the problem. Turns out, that for some reason, descending into people’s homes via chimney is only considered acceptable behaviour one night out of 365. Or at least, that’s what police officers in 45 countries on the planet seem to think. I have to go out again tonight, but I’m just going to drop molotovs down the chimney instead. Fuck getting arrested again.

Jan 10, 2014. G sent me to the year 2018 to find some lady. Turns out she was laughing historically on February 6th. I return with this information. Not a very exciting adventure, and then me and the monkey play a game called hide G’s sandwich. The crawl space is full of’em.

Jan 24, 2014. I find a diary penned by a version of me, 8 generations ago. In clone generational math, that was about 3 minutes. Weird.

Jan 31, 2014. Today was a good day. I got to use my A.K. Daviel Batryan won the Regal Vibration. The WW’Eh Channel is available in Canuckstan. And the company hired a mainstream darling named D.N. Goth. This is the brightest timeline.

February 7, 2014. Went to the opening ceremonies. Yeah, that’s the ticket. The opening ceremonies. Many were lost in the battle today. I live on. Remember the fallen clones.

February 14, 2014. G said since it’s Valentine’s Day, I have to do something special for J.T. who is trapped in his apartment basement. When I asked why me, he screamed back at me, “THERE’S NO TIME!” and he proceeded to watch men’s doubles in luge. So, I took J.T. back in time to ride a brontosaurus. I don’t think he understand what I meant, but I have to admit, I’ve never seen a brontosaurus smile like that before!

February 21, 2014. G sent me back to lift Jamie Benn’s stick on a shot from the point to ensure the dreams and hopes of USA hockey fans were crushed like the hopes and dreams of Canadian WWE fans unable to order the WWE Network.

March 14, 2014. I was sent to get some popcorn from the future. Corn had become extinct in the year I was sent to. I searched for months and months (since time is relative) to no avail. When I was summoned back, I was repeated whipped and forced to drink bleach. I can see through time… Then I fell down a mountain and some random redhead giant kept shoving his pet snake in my mouth.
March 21, 2014. G sent me to be a ringer in some college basketball game today. Not sure why, he was mumbling something about busting 99% of people’s brackets. I think he really must have issues with shelves.
April 4, 2014. It’s been real quiet around here lately, ever since G took off to parts unknown. He didn’t leave me much to eat, and supplies are running dangerously low. That monkey is starting to look delicious. I wonder where Diddy keeps getting those Twinkies?
May 9, 2014. Finally home. G sent me on a very long bus trip where I was forced the wear a bunny suit and eat these little pills that made me feel funny. Every once in a while, a herd of these nut jobs on the bus and I would be led down to a boxing ring and play catch. But not catch with a dog or a ball. No. We had to catch this oily guy who must have kept slipping and falling off the ring apron every single time he went out to dance. I’m so glad that’s over with.

May 30, 2014. G said there is a special event this Sunday. I asked him what that meant. He looked at me with a dead stare for about 34 minutes, never blinking. Unrelenting, he opened his mouth and then closed it, and extended his middle finger. Great. Now I’m on monkey feces cleanup duty again.

August 1st, 2014. I am free. No more being caged in by Smackdown time travelling. I am free. Charles, Diddy and I enjoyed a Wendy’s Frosty on the patio today. G was said to be in a happy mood as he unlocked us. We returned to his apartment to watch Sharknado 2 as friends. It was a good day. I only used my AK once.

November 06, 2014. After months of wandering around this apocalyptic wasteland (I am convinced it is an alternate reality of some kind), I think I have found hope. Diddy agrees, and he screeched loudly and ran down the rail tracks. We have camped out in a building and barricaded off the stair well. It’s the only way in. In this world, the dead rise up and continue to walk… walk towards you. They seem to desire only one thing… carnivorous cravings to eat the living’s flesh. Hopefully the barricade holds the night. I was surprised to find a small power generator, and even more shocked the Wi-Fi works here. It’s been months since I’ve been online and plan on visiting Brazzers next. Tomorrow we have a mission. We saw a sign by the tracks today. It said hope is in Terminus. Until then, I’ll just search around for some kleenex and wait for the monkey to go to sleep…


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