Well, here we are. One more PPV to get through until the final stretch before WrassleMunia. Good times, good times. To be honest, the card looks pretty solid, and I expect Sunday will deliver a solid show. As for Smackdown, this probably will a whole bunch of clip packages and filler. Perhaps one or two tidbits of interest will slip through the cracks… Perhaps. But, that’s why you’re here. To see what in the blue hell happened (or what I perceived that happened).
Well after a long wait due to various trips, excursions and umm…jaunts, episode 2 of my Audio Wrestling Sitcom Podcast Radio Play Thingy (that’s the technical term) Broken Pencils is here for your enjoyment.
It’s a wonderful process making these podcasts. The fact that I can write it, record it and edit it all within 2 days makes the process far more enjoyable.
If I had to spend weeks listening to my own voice while editing I think I’d go slowly insane and end up talking in character for the rest of my days. Come to think of it I’m half way there already.
So if you like it, like it (on YouTube), spread the word and, on a separate note, you might want to subscribe to my RSS feed at the top there. It’ll save you the hassle of having to open your favourites bar and click on my page once a day, those are clicks which you could be using to donate to charity or look at cute videos of kittens and such.
We open the show w/a montage of the Shield beating down people, until last week when Cena, Sheamus & Ryback led the charge against them. Also, the Rock is here tonight.
Paul Heyman is in the ring, announcing that tonight is the last night we will ever see Paul Heyman. He talks about his passions and his sacrifices, and all the things he gave up – including his parents fortune – to bring us ECW, and Brock Lesnar. He talks of C.M. Punk being the man to carry WWE into the long-term future.
“You don’t have to be Nostradamus to see into the future. And I can see into the future, and I can tell you ladies and gentlemen, something bad is going to happen here. And that Sword Of Damocles is hanging straight over my head, and it is going to come down not just on me, but every single person around me, and that means it’s going to come down on C.M. Punk.” – Paul Heyman
Heyman goes on to tender his resignation, saying essentially that the McMahon’s obsession with him and his dealings make him an obstacle to Punk winning back the title, and with that, he says goodbye.
C.M. Punks’ music hits and Punk comes out. Punk asks Heyman why he’s doing this. Heyman replies that in the land of the McMahon’s, perception is reality. Vince McMahon’s perception is that Heyman was behind Brad Maddox and the Shield, and whatever happens to Heyman will happen to C.M. Punk. He claims Vince is planing to screw them over big at Elimination Chamber and Wrestlemania. Punk argues that he is a “Paul Heyman guy,” and that there are a lot of “Heyman guys” out there. Punk insists that he will resume his historic title reign as WWE champion at Elimination Chamber and that Heyman will be in his corner. Paul is so moved by this show of support, that he renounces his resignation. Punk/Heyman embrace, while ringside commentators Michael Cole and Jerry Lawler make derogatory comments comparing this to the Pope’s resignation and “the most ridiculous love-fest” Cole’s ever been a part of.
The World’s Strongest Man, Mark Henry, makes his way to the ring as we go to break…
We come back to Khali dancing in the ring w/Natalia & Hornswoggle. The dancing stops as Henry makes his way to the ring. We get a recap of Henry squashing Rey Mysterio and Sin Cara last week, and his win over Randy Orton on last Friday’s Smackdown, which qualified him for the Elimination Chamber.
MARK HENRY VS THE GREAT KHALI
This match BARELY goes five minutes, maybe less. Khali pummles Henry into the corner, and hits big slaps to the cest and head-butts. Henry fights back with kicks and gets Khali in the corner, but runs into an elbow, and a big boot to the face. Khali side-steps Henry into the corner and goes back to the big chest-slap and head butt. Henry blocks a shot, hits a few big right-hands, and gives Khali a short-splash into the corner. Henry hits a big clothes-line, then ends it with the world’s stongest slam for three.
WINNER: MARK HENRY
After the match, Henry gets back in the ring, catches Hornswoggle from behind, and crushes him w/the world’s strongest slam.
“That’s What I Do!” – Mark Henry
This Friday on Smackdown, Orton gets Henry in a re-match.
Later tonight, Cena, Sheamus & Ryback vs #MB…
And break…
We come back to Teddy Lond and Smackdown GM Booker T discussing how impressive Mark Henry is, when Chris Jericho steps up to request a spot in the Chamber. Teddy is readdy to put him in right now. Booker says “Hold up dawg,” and says Jerico has to impress him. Teddy whispers a suggestion to Booker.
“Teddy, that idea sucks.” – Booker T.
Booker suggests that Jericho earn a spot by beating someone already in the match, Daniel Bryan. Jericho agrees to face Daniel “Beard-on” and get back into the chamber and go one step closer to becoming a “seven-time, seven-time, seven-time Heavyweight Champion of the World.”
“NOW CAN YOU DIG THAT, SUKAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!?” – Chris Jericho.
Jericho walks off, leaving Booker wide-eyed in disbelief.
We shift to Vicki Guerrero in her office, on the phone. Heyman walks in, demanding her time. He requests that Vicki add a stipulation to the WWE title match at Elimination Chamber. If the Rock is counted out/disqualified, Punk will be awarded the title. Vicki refuses, then her phone rings. It’s Vince McMahon. Heyman tries to brown-nose Vinny Mac, but Vince cuts him off and demands to know what stipulation he wants. Heyman makes a sheepish request for the count-out/dq stip, and Vince agrees. Heyman thanks Vince for the stip and goes on to call him a “father figure.” Vince hangs up on him. Heyman says Vicki has a lousy phone, and Vicki laughs.
Daniel Bryan makes his way to the ring as we go to break…
We come back to a promo for “FANDANGO” coming soon, followed by Jericho making his way to the ring.
WWE TAG TEAM CHAMPION DANIEL BRYAN VS CHRIS JERICHO
The bell rings. Jericho scores two schoolboy roll-ups, two arm-drags, and an ARMBAR! Bryan reverses it into a wrist-lock and a hammer-lock. Booker T and Teddy Long watch a monitor from backstage. Jericho elbows Bryan’s face and hits the ropes. Bryan leap-frogs Jericho, drops down, Jericho goes over, and Bryan hits a knee to Jericho. Bryan kicks Jericho in the chest, the back, hits a snap-mare, a knee-drop, he gets two, and goes to work on Jericho’s arm. Bryan wrist-locks Jericho, works the arm over his shoulder, Jericho reverses the wrist-lock and scores a chop. Jericho puts the boot to him and backs Bryan into the corner with a forearm smash. Bryan reverses a whip into the ropes, Jericho hits a kick to the face, but Bryan sends him up, over, and out to the floor. Bryan tosses Jericho back in. Jericho hits a shoulder-block, but misses a second-rope ricochet body-press and lands on the floor. Bryan hits a flying tackle through the ropes, and both men are hurting as we go to break…
As we come back, Bryan slides out of a suplex attempt, and rolls Jericho up for two. Jericho kicks out and hits a clothes-line. Jericho chokes Bryan in the corner, whips him across the ring, charges into a boot, and Bryan hits the charging drop-kick in the corner on Jericho. Jericho reverses a whip, Bryan goes up the corner ropes and over Jericho, Jericho hits two shoulder-blocks, and Bryan sends him over the ropes. Jericho lands on his feet, goes up-top, misses a flying fore-arm, and Bryan hits a clothes-line. Bryan charges Jericho, Jericho catches the legs and goes for the Walls Of Jericho. Bryan flips him off but runs into an elbow. Jericho goes for a Lion-sault but hits the knees of Bryan. Bryan goes up-top but Jericho cuts him off and crotches him on the top corner. Jericho hits a chop and goes for a super-plex, but Bryan shoves him off and scores a flying head-butt for two. Bryan hits a few knees to the face, but Jericho catches a leg and hooks the Walls Of Jericho! Bryan holds on and powers out of it, twisting it into a “No-Lock” attempt, but can’t lock his hands. Jericho reverses it into another WOJ attempt, but Bryan flips him off and hits a vicious kick to the head for two. Bryan gets the crowd going “Yes!” by going “No!” and sets in with shin kicks to Jericho. Jericho tries another roll-up, Bryan kicks out, and Jericho hits the Code-breaker for a three-count.
WINNER: CHRIS JERICHO
Jericho is now in the Elimination Chamber. Later tonight, the Shield will address us. Up next, John Cena, Sheamus and Ryback face the Three Man Band.
We come back to a recap of last week, when Cena and friends ran off the Shield.
JOHN CENA, SHEAMUS, AND RYBACK VS 3MB (HEATH SLATER, JINDER MAHAL & DREW MACINTYRE)
Apparently, Jerry Lawler has taken exception to Heath Slater making comments about singing, and dancing better than Elvis Presley…
“I told him [Slater] I wish you’d go to the bathroom like Elvis Presley.” – Jerry Lawler
Slater starts off with Ryback. He shoots off his mouth, plays air guitar, takes a boot to the stomach, and gets press-slamed. Ryback tags in Sheamus, who brutalizes Drew MacIntyre. Cena tags in and faces off with Jinder Mahal. Match breaks down into a brawl and ends with the Cena-friends each hitting a finisher on a band member. (AA, Shell-shock, and White Noise.)
WINNERS: TEAM CENA
After the match, Cena and co. each take a turn calling out the Shield. We go to a recap of Alberto Del Rio sabotaging Big Show’s bus and dropping paint all over him.
We go to earlier today, with Yoshi Tatsu and Alex Riley both joking about the Show’s misfortune. It ends with Show clocking them both out.
And we go to break…
We come back to Big Show making his way to the ring for an interview. Matt Striker gets KO’d before he’s halfway through a sentence. Show grabs the mike and spends several minutes trying to say something. However he’s too angry and just drops the mike, and walks off.
We get another look at the tribute video for Bruno Samartino’s Hall Of Fame induction and we’re told there is an exclusive interview w/Bruno and Hunter Hearst Helmsley about Bruno accepting the nodd this year. We’re also reminded that the Rock will be here tonight.
JACK SWAGGER VS ZACK RYDER
Ryder’s in the ring and Swagger makes his way to the ring with a man referred to as “Jebadiah Coulter,” (who I believe might be Dutch Mantel.) Ryder gets in some offense, but Swagger wrestles more viciously then ever, and after bouncing Ryder’s head and back off the turn-buckles, he ends this with the “Patriot Act.” (Ankle Lock Submission.)
WINNER: JACK SWAGGER
After the match, Jeb Coulter is given the mike and delivers a vaguely racist diatribe about “getting rid of” people who aren’t “real Americans.”
Backstage, Booket and Teddy are discussing Swagger and Jeb, when Dolph Ziggler steps in w/AJ and Big E. Angered that Jericho is back with a spot in the Elimination Chamber match, he demands a chance at the last spot. Booker agrees, and puts him in a qualifying match… with Kane.
We get a recap of Brock Lesnar destroying Miz TV and the Miz last week.
Miz makes his entrance as we go to Break. He faces Cody Rhodes next.
THE MIZ VS CODY RHODES
U.S. Champion Antonio Cesaro is at ringside, making refrences to his brawl with Miz last week. Cesaro says he caries the American Flag to “rub it in everybody’s face,” how much better he is than us. Match is a by-the-numbers back-and-forth until it goes to the outside. Cesaro gets up in Miz’s face, Miz boots him down and goes to work on Cody, until Cesaro shoves him into the ringpost. Cesaro swings Miz into the guardrail as officals try to break it up.
WINNER BY DQ: THE MIZ
We then get a feature about the WWE Wrestlemania Reading Challenge, where WWE talent go to schools to talk about the importance of reading and children are rewarded for good literacy w/a chance to go to Wrestlemania.
Later tonight, we hear from the Rock and The Shield.
We go to break…
We come back to Rosa Mendes shakin’ her thing in the ring, with Epico and Primo. Brodus Clay makes his entrance w/Tesai and the Pom-Pom waving Funkadactyls.
BRODUS CLAY/TENSAI VS PRIMO/EPICO
Team Mo/Co are straight up jobbed out to the Funkasaurus and the “hip-hop-hippo.” Tensai wins it w/a splash.
WINNERS: TENSAI/BRODUS CLAY
After the match, Rosa gets up in Tensai’s face, but is sent packing by some nifty double-teaming by Naomi/Cameron.
And we go to break…
After the break, the Shield make their way to the ring. They answer the challenge of Cena, Sheamus, and Ryback by calling them out. They cut a promo about Cena failing everyday and how Cena will fail again at Elimination Chamber. Their problem is “The John Cena Problem.” He lives in a bubble with no consequences. That’s not the real world. And he’s laid the groundwork for an entire generation of superstars to be just like him. The Shield will undo a decade of injustice, and invite their opponents to “breath as much fresh air as possible.” They stand around in defiance for a few moments… then the lights go out. When they come back on, Cena and company are each fighting a member of the Shield. After a wild brawl, the Shield take a powder, and Cena’s team smile and slap hands w/the fans.
We get a recap of Heyman’s resignation and Punk talking him out of it. The Rock will be here later tonight, and Alberto Del Rio makes his way to ringside w/Ricardo Rodriguez.
And break…
WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPION ALBERTO DEL RIO VS DAMIEN SANDOW
Sandow comes out to berate Nashville (the sight of tonight’s show) for listening to Country Music. Ricardo introduces ADR with the full support of the crowd. Sandow starts off strong with kicks, knees, and a Russian leg-sweep/”elbow of disdain” combo, but misses a charge and Del Rio takes over with clothes-lines, a tilt-a-whirl back-breaker, and a thrust-kick for two. Del Rio gets the “Si” chant going and ens this surprisingly quickly w/the arm-breaker.
WINNER: ALBERTO DEL RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRIO!
Alberto cuts a promo, inviting Big Show to pack up his bus and go to Mexico, while he goes to Wrestlemania after their match at Elimination Chamber.
WWE Intercontinental Champion Wade Barrett makes his way to the ring for a match w/Kofi Kingston, but is jumped from behind by Bo Dallas. Barrett is down as we go to break.
WWE INTERCONTINENTAL CHAMPION WADE BARRETT VS KOFI KINGSTON
The match is basically Kofi’s speed and striking ability vs Wade’s muscle and brawling tactics. Recurring theme in the match is both men ducking each others high-spots. Kofi dives after Wade. Wade catches Kofi’s head in the ring apron and gets the three with the bull-hammer elbow.
WINNER: WADE BARRETT
And break…
WWE TAG TEAM CHAMPION KANE VS DOLPH ZIGGLER
Kane starts off in control with big right hands and tossing Ziggler around as we go to break…
We come back and Kane in still in control, until it spills outside. Big E distracts Kane and Ziggler sends him into the guardrail. Kane beats the ten count. The match quickly goes back/forth with each man hitting one big spot after another, until Kane goes up top. AJ jumps on the ring to get a distraction, Kane misses the clothesline, Ziggler sends AJ into Big E’s arms, and his distraction allows Kane to hit the choke-slam for three and the last spot in the Chamber.
WINNER: KANE
When we come back, our main event… a promo by The Rock.
We’re back with a look at the Elimination Chamber match itself and…FINALLY, THE ROCK HAS COME OUT TO DO A PROMO!
Story Time! The Rock regales us all with a story about how, when he was 15, his family moved to Tennessee. He was already 6’4′ and 220 lbs. and not getting any action because girls thought he was a undercover cop. One night, he’s in a bar, and buys a car from a crackhead for $40. After driving for a while, he finds a second crackhead in the car and kicks him out, then abandons the car in a Burger King parking lot at 2 a.m. because he suspected it was stolen. The moral of the story…
1. Don’t buy a car from a crackhead.
2. Don’t be like the Rock at 15, doing all the stuff you shouldn’t.
Rock then talks about being 25 and wrestling at used car dealerships for $40 a night, and dreaming of someday being WWE champion, just like he will be, after Elimination Chamber.
Punk’s music hits, and he’s out with Paul Heyman. Rock compares them to characters form “Twilight,” (Fat werewolf/Homeless Vampire,) and challenges Punk to “just bring it.” Punk strolls down to the ring, fakes changing his mind, and storms the ring. Punk actually had Rock on the defensive, until Rock hit the “Smackdown” (Spine-buster) on him. Rock goes for the “Peoples’ Elbow,” but Heyman trips him up. Punk hits the GTS on Rock, and leaves with the belt.
“Whenever you Bring it, Because it’s mine, I’ll just take it.” – C.M. Punk
Bray’s facial expression seems to say, “I’m related to this fuckwad?”
Jorge takes the week off, and things go so smoothly that the show ends slightly early for once. Joe, JT, and G discuss the week in professional wrestling television, play a song in honor of BoredHockeyFan.com’sThat Damn Double C, and we discuss this week’s wrestling news, including an in-depth investigation of the state of Hart Legacy Wrestling. We talk about the great Hall of Fame class that WWE is presenting at MSG this year. And of course, we pay our respects to the late, great Curt Hennig, who passed away 10 years ago today.
I’ve read the matches (non-spoiler version) ahead of time, and kill… me… now. This does not look good, people. There’s one or two on the card that look passable. But I must warn you, there will be much FFW content on this debacle. Unless you like immobile big guys that can’t really do anything in the ring. If that’s the case, enjoy! Not me, though. Ugghhh… It is hopping time… more like skipping time. Oh well, maybe they’ll make up for it with a whimsical Hornswoggle and Natalya cover of “Dueling Banjos” using flatulance instead of the five string percussive chording hybrid of an instrument? Fuck.
We start with the recap of last week. Cena announces his challenge for the WWE title and gets beat down by the Shield, along with Ryback and Sheamus. Vince catches Paul Heyman in his lie and gets F5’d by Brock Lesnar before he can fire Heyman.
We open with C.M. Punk walking down to the ring, he walks up to a young fan and fakes giving him a “High-five” so he can snatch his “it’s my birthday” sign, and wreck it. Punk commanders a mike and orders Justin Roberts into the ring, forcing him to announce Punk as “The Peoples Champion.” He then denies over-reacting to his situation, clamming he acted the way anyone else would act…
“If you think I over-reacted… it’s clear to me you’ve never held anything as special as the WWE championship… in fact I doubt anyone in this building has ever done anything great in their entire life.” – C.M. Punk
Punk claims he was “screwed” and the title in its “physical form” stolen from him. He then addresses the video of Heyman with Maddox and the Shield from last week. He goes to fans in the front row, calling one “four eyes,” another “sweet-heart,” and asking Michael Cole if any of them saw him in the video. They each say no. Back in the ring, Punk compares Heymans claim that he wasn’t in the video, against Vince McMahon, who put HIS video on HIS Titan-tron on HIS television show…
“He is going to Doctor a video and he is going to play it on his television show, and all of you mindless, no-good, low down, fat, stupid, lazy people are gonna eat it up.” – C.M. Punk
Punk goes on to say Vince “deserved” to have his hip broken by Brock Lesnar, claiming it was Karma. Punk invites anyone to step up and try shut him up, promising to punch their face and toss them back on the side of the railing they belong. Punk continues his tirade until Smackdown GM Booker T, interrupts him. Booker has a miserable time trying to call Vicki “managing supervisor,” and informs him she allowed him to come out and decide Punk’s fate. Booker decides we can decide Punk’s opponent for tonight. We have to download the WWE app and vote for a “Wrestlemania Rematch.”
Our choices are…
Randy Orton
Rey Mysterio
Chris Jericho
Booker is out, and we go to Michael Cole giving us a tutorial on using the app. We’re promised an “epic announcement” about the hall of fame later tonight, and Ryback makes his entrance as we go to break.
Back from break, we get Randy Orton on WWE RAW-active, mentioning how perfect it would be to shut Punk up with an RKO, right here in Atlanta, the sight of his Wrestlemania victory over Punk.
WWE U.S. CHAMPION ANTONIO CESARO VS. RYBACK
Cesaro makes his way to the ring waving the U.S. flag, as Cole makes a quick mention of his Wrestlemania “streak.”
Cesaro starts off with an amateur style go-behind, Ryback muscles out and tosses Cesaro w/a fireman’s carry-like lift. Ryback pummels Cesaro in the corner, Cesaro fights back with a head-butt. Ryback gets a hip-toss, drops the leg across the face of Cesaro, and gets a two-count. Ryback scoops him up and hangs him in a “tree-of-woe” position in the corner. Ryback stomps him for a few moments until the ref orders a break, and Cesaro rolls outside the ring. Ryback goes out and tosses Cesaro back in. Cesaro catches Ryback with a stomp to the head, and continues stomping. Cesaro picks Ryback up and hits a short-knee, European upper-cut, and a whip into the ropes. Ryback reverses it and hits a Thez-press. Ryback bounces Cesaro off the mat a few times and hoists him up by the head, tossing him into a corner. Ryback charges, Cesaro moves, Ryback hits the corner and Cesaro hits a clothesline to the back. Both men are down as we go to break.
Back from break, Cesaro has a headlock but Ryback shoots him into the ropes and takes him down hard just by standing there. He hits a few clotheslines then hoists Cesaro up, and plants him down (D-Lo Brown style.) Cesaro rolls out and walks off. Ryback goes after him, hits a clothesline to the back. Shot to the face by Ryback, and he rolls Cesaro into the ring. Cesaro catches Ryback by the head and drops down, pulling Ryback neck-first into the rope. Sliding kick to the leg by Cesaro and Ryback meets the edge of the ring with his face. Cesaro, on the outside sends Ryback into the post, then into the stairs. Ryback just beats the ten-count back into the ring. Cesaro pummels Ryback in the corner, the holding Ryback by the head, goes up on the top rope, plants his knee on Ryback’s shoulder, and shoves off, driving Ryback backwards into the matt with his knee on Ryback’s face. Cesaro gets a one-count. Cesaro charges in, but meets a knee-lift, an elbow, and takes a huge back-body drop, followed by a “Meat-hook” clothesline. Cesaro tries to escape through the crowd. Ryback catches him and puts him back in the ring. Cesaro hits a huge boot to the face, but Ryback catches him by the leg when he tries a second time. Ryback hits a Power-bomb and the “Shell-shock” for the pin.
WINNER: RYBACK
We get another plug for the app as we’re reminded we can choose Punk’s opponent for his Wrestlemania rematch. We go back to last week to see John Cena challenge for the WWE championship, and get beat down by the Shield. Sheamus runs in, and gets beat down. Ryback runs in, and gets beat down. We take a special look at the Shield, when we come back.
Back from break, we see Chilli from hip hop R&B group TLC in the crowd tonight. We then see Rey Mysterio on “WWE Active” doing a promo w/Matt Stryker, saying he should face Punk because he’s the only one who’s ever taken his hair. We then get a video package on the Shield, including a montage of beat downs on WWE superstars. We go backstage where Vicki Guerro is with Cena. She’s heard about his plan to confront the Shield tonight, and compares it to the movie “Death Wish.” Cena reminds her he won the Royal Rumble, he’s going to Wrestlemania, and the Shield needs to be stopped tonight.
We get another look at the video package for Trish Stratus, going into the HOF, and are reminded of the “epic announcement” later tonight, as we go to break.
We’re back, and this time it’s Jericho on WWE Active, saying it’s our second chance to see who the best in the world is.
Santino Morella hits the ring and Booker T joins Cole and Lawler at ringside, followed by the “Real American” Jack Swagger.
JACK SWAGGER VS SANTINO MORELLA
We start with a lock up, and Swagger puts Morella down hard. Swagger takes him back into the ropes and hits a knee. Swagger whips Santino into the ropes and Santino starts his “power-walking” bit, but Swagger kills it with a knee, followed by a tackle to the leg. Swagger pummels Santino in the corner but misses a charge. Morella ducks a big right and hits some punches. Swagger blocks a hip toss, but Morella ducks the clothesline and hits a few rights. Santino tries a whip, but Swagger no-sells, knees Santino, hits the Swagger-Bomb, and the “Patriot Act,” for the win. (Patriot Act = Ankle lock.)
We’re reminded of our chance to vote for Punk’s opponent as we go to break.
We come back with a promo for Wrestlemania, and we get an apology from the WWE. Apparently, so many people voted, the system crashed.
WHC Alberto Del Rio makes his entrance as we get a recap of his feud w/Big Show, starting with the attack on RAW and ending with the attack on Ricardo Rodriguez on Smackdown
WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPION ALBERTO DEL RIO VS CODY RHODES
Cody comes in strong with a flurry of punches and an Irish whip into the corner, Del Rio meets him with an elbow, and goes up top in the corner, catches Cody behind the head w/his feet and takes him down w/a Lucha style head-scissors, followed by body-drop and a kick to the back. Cody slaps Del Rio in the face, Del Rio responds by pummeling him in the corner and with an Inziguri to the shoulder for two. Cody throws a wide-kick to the leg that stops Del Rio. Cody gives Del Rio the knee-breaker, and takes over, stomping Del Rio into the corner. Cody hits a head-butt but misses a charge. Del Rio hits a clothesline, a tilt-a-whirl back-breaker, and a thrust-kick to the face for a two-count. Del Rio gets a “Si” chant going; signaling for the arm-breaker, but Cody shoves him off and hits the “Beautiful Disaster” kick off the second rope for two. Cody charges in, Del Rio hooks the arm-breaker, (not smoothly,) and gets the submission.
WINNER: WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPION ALBERTO DEL RIO
Alberto gets the mike and apologizes for all the time he spent looking down on us. He calls Big Show a “bully” and a “Monster,” and promises the Big Show will pay for what he did to Ricardo Rodriguez, and he will be a champion for everyone who works to put food on the table.
Big Show comes up on the Tron, challenging Del Rio for a rematch for the title, from a hotel room in an undisclosed location. He says he’s staying away to protect Del Rio from his rage, and has Booker sending him the contract. Show warns Del Rio that if he tries to find him, or shows up here, Show will give him a worse beating than the one he gave Ricardo.
Jerry Lawler overcomes a few flubbed lines to announce Chris Jericho as the winner of the RAW Active poll, and C.M. Punk’s opponent tonight.
And we go to break.
We come back with a recap of team Rey/Cara defeating team Hell No (Bryan/Kane) in a non-title match on the last Smackdown.
Backstage, we see Daniel Bryan up in Kane’s face, blaming him for the loss. Kane accuses Bryan of not being able to take care of himself. Bryan says he’ll do just that in his match tonight, and tells Kane to stay backstage, so as not to ruin his chances at getting a spot in the Elimination Chamber. Kane says “fine.”
REY MYSTERIO VS WWE TAG TEAM CHAMPION DANIEL BRYAN
They lock up. Bryan hits a knee, a snap-mare, and a kick to the back. Bryan hits another kick and gets three consecutive one-counts. Mysterio bridges up, catches Bryan on his feet. Bryan pulls him up, Mysterio hooks a body-scissors, into an arm-drag, hits a dropkick, and knees to Bryan’s face. Bryan pushes him off, Mysterio ducks a clothesline and goes for a head scissors, but Bryan drops Mysterio chest-first into his knees. Bryan gets a two-count, a stomp, and a wrist-lock/arm-bar. Mysterio grabs the top rope and flips out. Mysterio hits some fore-arm shots, Bryan hits an elbow. Bryan sends Mysterio up over the top rope, but Mysterio holds on, and hits a shoulder-block to the stomach. Mysterio goes to the top rope but Bryan takes out the leg, and Mysterio is in the “tree of woe” position. Bryan hits some short shoulder-blocks, but misses a charge and goes shoulder first into the post. Bryan on the outside and both men down as we go to break.
We come back with Bryan controlling the arm of Mysterio. Mysterio hits a few fore-arms, but Bryan takes him down in a German suplex, bends the arm, pinning the palm to the matt, and stomping the up-raised elbow. Bryan works the arm and tosses Rey out of the ring. Rey rolls up on his feet, but Bryan meets him with the dropkick. Bryan tries to dive into Mysterio but meets a fore-arm. Mysterio hits a dive off the top rope, hits two head-scissors, rolling through a sunset-flip attempt on the second, and hits a kick to the head for a two-count. Bryan blocks a “619” attempt, Mysterio rolls out of an imperfect “No-lock” and hits it on the second attempt. Bryan dodges a “drop of the dime” and locks in the “No-Lock” for the tap.
WINNER: DANIEL BRYAN
As Bryan celebrates, MARK HENRY MAKES HIS COMEBACK! Henry meets Bryan on the way to the ring and takes him out with no problem. Henry hits a “spine-buster” on Rey. Sin Cara tries to save Rey, but takes “the World’s Strongest Slam.” Rey is up and fights back, but ends up taking a WSS and a splash off the middle rope. Henry walks off, jaw-jacking with the crowd.
Punk vs. Jericho, after the break
We come back to Bryan demanding an apology from Kane, for not helping him out with Henry.
“Daniel, I’m hurt by your tone. Word’s hurt, and there’s nothing more powerful than our friendship.” – Kane
“Do you mean that?” – Daniel Bryan
“HELL NO!” – KANE
After that, we get a recap of Vince busting Heyman, and Brock busting Vince’s hip.
(It goes on a LOT longer than it needs to.)
Later tonight, Heyman is on MizTV.
We go live to Big Show’s hotel room where he’s on the phone, waiting for the contract. He answers the door for room service and the waiter stands there waiting for a tip.
“Get a better job.” – Big Show
Sheamus makes his entrance and his match is up next, after the break.
We’re back, getting another recap of the Shield attack on Cena, Ryback, and Sheamus, as well as a reminder Cena calls them out later tonight.
SHEAMUS VS WWE TAG TEAM CHAMPION KANE
As the match begins, we’re told Daniel Bryan will be joining Randy Orton and Mysterio in the elimination chamber. The big men lock up, and force each other into the corner. Sheamus beats on Kane with fists, whips him into the corner. Kane hits a clothesline. Kane beats Sheamus down in the corner, whips him into the ropes. Sheamus hits a kick to the face but runs into a side-slam. Kane pounds and stomps on Sheamus, then tries to pull him out of the ring. Sheamus kicks him into the guardrail. They brawl a little on the outside. Sheamus tosses Kane back in the ring, but walks into a big right hand. Sheamus fights back and hits the “Irish Curse” back-breaker. Kane is back up first, but Sheamus takes him into the corner with a shoulder tackle, followed by a knee-lift, and a double axe-handle takes Kane over the ropes. Kane lands on his feet. Sheamus ties Kane up in the ropes and starts the fore-arm pummeling. Kane escapes and puts Sheamus down. Bryan runs out and gets into an argument with Kane. Kane shoves him off the ring by the neck, tells him to stay out of this, and walks into a Brogue-Kick, giving Sheamus the three-count.
WINNER: SHEAMUS
Bryan apologizes while smiling as we go to break.
RAW slam of the week: GUESS! (Lesnar killing Vince)
Welcome to Miz TV! Miz is trying to recap the attack on Vince (again) but Heyman interrupts, not wanting someone like Miz to soil his reputation. Heyman attempts to give Vince his “best wishes” on his hip surgery, but Miz interrupts him. Heyman denies having anything to do with Brock’s attack on Vince. Miz brings up the tape with him, Maddox, and the Shield. Miz calls him the biggest liar he’s met in his life, Heyman starts asking questions about Punk getting screwed and winning back the belt. Miz and Heyman are up in each other’s face, when Managing Supervisor Vicki Guerro decides to interrupt. She admits to signing back Brock Lesnar, and expresses her grief over what happened to Vince. As she starts to cry, Paul asks for a moment of silence, Vicki suggests they share a prayer, and Miz calls BS on the whole thing. Lesnar comes out, kills Miz, wrecks the set, he and Heyman walk off.
And we go to break…
We come back to a replay of the Miz TV chaos and a confirmation that Brock is under contract to WWE. Randy Orton makes his entrance, followed by Wade Barrett. As Barrett makes his way to the ring, we get a picture-in-picture promo from Bo Dallas and a recap of their feud, including Bo’s upset win and the attack on Smackdown.
WWE INTERCONTINENTAL CHAMPION WADE BARRETT VS RANDY ORTON
Barrett beats down Orton in the corner. Orton reverses an Irish Whip and hits the Thez-press. Orton pummels Barrett in the head and hits two fore-arm uppercuts. Barrett reverses a whip but Orton hits the clothesline, and Barrett rolls out the ring. Outside the ring, Orton bounces Barrett’s head twice on the apron, and drops him back-first into the top of the guard rail. Orton rolls him back into the ring for a two-count. Orton stomps away on Barrett. Barrett tries catching Orton with the clothesline but it gets botched. Barrett recovers with a knee, a suplex, and a “do-over,” clothes lining Orton over the ropes to the floor. Barrett goes outside, kicks Orton in the head, and bounces Orton’s head on the apron. Barrett rolls Orton back in the ring for two, drops a couple elbows on him, and hooks the chin-lock. Orton fights out of it, hits two clothes-lines, ducks one by Wade, and hits the scoop-power-slam. Orton hits the second rope DDT and teases an RKO, but Barrett rolls outside. Orton rolls him back in, but Barrett hits the spiraling side-slam for two. Barrett tries to hit the waste-land, Orton elbows out. Orton tries an RKO, Barrett shoves him off. Orton dodges a charging kick in the corner, and hits the RKO for three.
WINNER: RANDY ORTON
After the break, Punk vs. Jericho (for really realz this time)
We come back from break to a quick promo for “Fandango” coming soon to WWE.
C.M. PUNK VS CHRIS JERICHO
After playing to the crowd, the two men lock up and Punk gets in a knee followed by a chop. Punk mocks the crowd, letting Jericho take over with three big chops, an elbow, another chop, and a big suplex. Jericho hits a fist-drop and goes for a cover. Punk grabs a leg and trips Jericho down, taking over with vicious stomps. Punk gets a chop and a knee to the gut for two. Punk locks the arm, Jericho gets to his feet and pushes Punk back into the corner. Jericho fights his way free, Punk reverses a whip and meets the boot of Jericho. Jericho charges Punk and takes a kick to the stomach. Punk tries a tornado DDT, But Jericho shoves him off. Jericho takes Punk over the ropes and out to the floor with a clothesline. Punk hits the announcers table. Jericho hits a baseball-slide drop-kick, sending Punk back into the table. Jericho goes for the “ricochet-off –the-second-rope-in-the-corner” drop-kick, but Punk catches him, and pulls him neck-first into the ropes. Jericho is down and Punk laughs as we go to break
Back to the action, Punk hits a belly-to-back suplex, and three leg-drops to the back of Jericho’s head, for a two count. Punk locks an under-hook face-lock on Jericho. Jericho gets to his feet, Punk whips him into the corner, Jericho back-body-drops him over the ropes, Punk lands on the apron and tries for a flying clothesline, but eats the mat as Jericho side-steps him. Jericho hits two shoulder-blocks, gets sent over the top rope by Punk, but lands on his feet, climbs to the top, and connects with a fist off the top rope. Jericho hits a boot to the gut and the face-plant bulldog on Punk. Jericho tries a Lion-Sault, Punk gets the knees up, but Jericho grabs the legs and tries for the walls of Jericho. Punk kicks him off, into the corner. Punk misses a running knee, and Jericho hits some head-shots before taking Punk off the top rope with the “hurriconrana.” Jericho gets a two-count, goes for another Lion-Sault but Punk gets a shot to the back. Punk has Jericho up on his shoulders and tries for the GTS, but Jericho rolls out of it and schoolboys Punk into a “Walls of Jericho,” attempt. Punk hooks his head for a small package, Jericho reverses it, Punk kicks out, Jericho tries a clothesline, but Punk catches the arm and twists it into a neck-breaker for two. Punk hits the knee-lift in the corner, a short clothes-line, but takes too much time up top and misses the “Macho Man” elbow-drop. Jericho’s Lion-Sault connects for two. Punk hits a SICK kick to the head for another two. Punk locks in the “Anaconda-Vice” but Jericho makes the ropes.
“THIS IS AWESOME!” – The Crowd
Jericho hits two shoulder blocks from the outside and goes up top, but Punk kicks his leg out from under him and goes for the GTS. Jericho catches Punk’s leg on the way down and hooks the “Walls of Jericho!” Punk makes it to the ropes. Punk tries to lift Jericho, he can’t. Jericho goes for the legs; Punk twists him into the middle turnbuckle. Punk sends Jericho shoulder first into the post; and hits the GTS for a three count.
WINNER: C.M. PUNK
After the match, we get the huge Hall of Fame announcement. Our next inductee is BRUNO SAMARTINO! We get a package of Bruno’s career highlights, including winning the WWWF title in 48 seconds, coming back from a broken neck after three months, and meeting the Pope.
And we go to break..
We come back to Matt Striker interviewing Punk backstage. Punk calls The Rock a thief and says the title of champion belongs to him. He’s the best in the world, and he proves it every night.
From that, we go to a video package about Rock winning the WWE championship after ten long years, featuring a montage of headlines and TV spots about the Rock.
John Cena is backstage being interviewed about calling out the Shield. Cena talks about how the time to laugh and joke and smile comes to an end when you get picked on and pushed around. Tonight, he pushes back.
And break…
We come back to Big Show, eating, live from his hotel, and complaining on the phone about how long it’s taking to get the contract over to him. Show answers the door for a guy with the contract. While Show reads it over and signs it, the guy keeps trying to tell him something. Show refuses to listen. Show opens the door to let the guy out, and comes face to face with Alberto Del Rio. They have a vicious fight in the hallway that ends with Del Rio blinding/knocking out the Big Show with a fire extinguisher. Two men get out of the elevator, looking confused…
“It’s okay; my friend just had some bad Mexican food.” – Alberto Del Rio
Del Rio assures them he will get Show some help, and leaves Big Show with a wink.
Back in the ring, Brad Maddox is here, asking for a mike. He claims Heyman took advantage of him, and claims he is an “innocent.” He takes credit for giving McMahon the video of him with Heyman and the Shield, and calls himself the “hero,” of this story. He says it’s gonna be him and NOT Cena who dishes out justice to the Shield, and calls them out. They come down, admitting they took money from Heyman and that they they’re gonna enjoy beating him down. After Maddox is decimated, Cena makes his way to the ring through the crowd, followed by Ryback and Sheamus. The Shield attempt to flee, but the entire WWE locker room cut them off. The Shield is trapped, back to back in the ring. Cena and friends move in and the fight breaks out, for two and a half minutes. The Shield retreat as the show closes.
We break stuff and complain because The Rock beat CM Punk at the Royal Rumble. That’s worse than having your eye shot out, apparently. Jorge’s herpes flare up. The crew is joined by Brian Muller once again, and in a shocking twist ending, Jorge joins twitter. We talk Royal Rumble, RAW, SmackDown, Main Event, ROH, and IMPACT. We talk about the news, including Sunny’s recent SIXTH arrest, Bret Hart’s interview where he gives Triple H’s last ‘Mania match a “4 out of 10,” and of course, the man whose stolen all our hearts, James Dotterer, including a great Joe rant about how CM Punk is the real People’s Champion. Tune in!
OH NO! THE ROYAL RUMBLE WAS PREDICTABLE!!?!? THE FUCK?!?!? IT’S ALMOST AS IF THE WWE HAS BEEN BUILDING UP STORIES FOR OVER A YEAR?!?!?!? Seriously, if you can’t accept the outcome, I have to call you out as not having watched wrestling during the Hogan/Macho Man Rock and Roll Wrestling era of the WWF. Just because the IWC is up in arms and joining in the Culture of Outrage, doesn’t mean shit to the WWE. Most of you steal their PPV’s anyways. They are trying to tell a long story, and most of you shit on them for fast-tracking their story-telling. And then you get off on whining about it being predictable? WTF? Think about how awesome The Lord of the Rings would have been if Frodo failed? OF COURSE HE TAKES THE RING TO MORDOR AND DESTROYS IT. Fuck. And many of these are the same people who complain about Vince Russo swerving the story all the time. GET OVER IT.
I enjoyed the 2013 Royal Rumble. With that rant out of the way, let’s see what the “E” serves up for Smackdown this week. Now this is generally a show you can take a massive dump on… but perhaps not tonight? Only one way to find out. Go Go Gadget Hopping Shoes!
BoredWrestlingFan.com is proud to be listed at number 80 in Coupon Audit’s infographic detailing the Top 100 Sports Blogs to Follow in 2013. You can view the infographic below, and be sure to click on it to be taken to the Coupon Audit post.
We open tonight with a recap of the Rock’s win at Royal Rumble. Tonight is RAW ROULETTE live from Las Vegas.
Now we’re looking at Vicki Guerrero in front of three roulette wheels. A superstar wheel, a stipulation wheel, and a “Vicki’s choice” wheel. Vicki announces the first match of the night and spins the middle wheel, making it a “special guest referee” match.
C.M. Punk is out and he is angry. He claims he is the people’s champion and is throwing a tantrum about last night. He berates the crowd for supporting a “cheater,” and says Vince, Rock, and the crowd are all cheaters. Punk coins the phrase “Phoenix Screw Job.” Punk is still the champion and he is here to “crash” our “party.”
Vince is out. He accuses Heyman of being behind the shield. He cuts Heyman off when he tries to protest, then announces a “performance evaluation,” of Heyman in the ring tonight, featuring surprise video tape “evidence.”
Randy Orton is out. He is facing Antonio Cesaro in the first match tonight. This is the “special guest ref” match Vicki made earlier. Cesario is out next, swinging the American Flag.
And now, our special guest referee… THE MIZ!
And we go to break.
WWE U.S. CHAMPION ANTONIO CESARO VS. THE MIZ
We come back with the match in progress. Orton gets a two count. Cesaro dominates in the corner. Miz gets between them. Orton in control with a clothesline and a snap-mare. Orton gets another two count with a suplex. Both men trade shots on the outside, Orton drops Cesaro on the guard-rail, and takes control back in the ring with stomps and a catapult into the bottom rope. Both men trade uppercuts, the crowd gets into it. Cesaro takes control, whips Orton into the ropes, Orton backdrops him to the floor.
And we go to break.
Cesaro in control when we come back. Both men fight in the corner, Cesaro takes over with a headbut and a turnbuckle shot. Cesaro gets a two-count and takes control with a headlock. Orton fights out, Cesaro hits a slam for two. Gut-wrench by Cesaro for two. Cesaro hits a face-lock. Orton fights out, ducks a clothesline and hits two of his own and a scoop-slam. Cesaro hits the flying uppercut and pummels Orton in the corner, but he gets into an argument with Miz and eats an RKO when he turns back around.
WINNER: RANDY ORTON
After the match, Miz treats Cesaro to a Skull-crushing finale.
Back with the wheels, Vicki spins Ryback into a “make me laugh” match. Ryback gives Vicki a snort and heads to the ring.
And we go to break.
We’re back with Andre Aggassi and Stefi Graph in the audience. Titus O’Neal and Darren Young are in the ring with Ryback and Matt Stryker. Stryker explains that the challenge is to make the crowd laugh. Funnest man wins. After two “jokes,” Ryback decimates O’Neal while Young keeps a safe difference. Stryker announces Ryback the winner, Ryback destroys Stryker, and the whole announce team climaxes over an assault on an announcer.
“What has four eyes, twenty fingers, and is about to be unconscious?” – Ryback’s “joke.”
Video Package for Bob Backlund’s induction into the WWE Hall Of Fame.
And we go to break.
SIDE NOTE: Will someone PLEASE explain to me what Stryker has done that his being attacked for NO CLEAR REASON warrants such jockularity?
We come back to Vicki spinning the wheel. It lands on “players choice,” meaning IC champion Wade Barrett gets to pick his opponent. Barrett chooses NXT rookie Bo Dallas, who eliminated Barrett in the Royal Rumble last night.
WWE INTERCONTINENTAL CHAMPION WADE BARRETT VS BO DALLAS
Barrett goes right after Dallas, but Dallas fights out of the corner. He hits an arm-drag/dropkick combo, but Barrett takes over with vicious kicks and stomps. Barrett goes for the Bull-Hammer BUT BO DALLAS GETS THE THREE WITH A BELLY-TO-BELLY SUPLEX!
WINNER: BO DALLAS!
Backstage, a spin of the wheel pits Cody Rhodes against John Cena
And we go to break.
We come back with the announce team hyping up John Cena replacing Fred Flintstone on the cover of boxes of “Fruity Pebbles.” We even get a “tale-of-the-tape” graphic with Cena vs. Fred Flintstone.
Yes, that happened.
JOHN CENA VS CODY RHODES
Cody and Cena trade shots until Cena hits a suplex and Cody rolls out the ring. Cody takes the mike and anounces he’s leaving. Cena grabs him and sends him back in the ring. Cena hits all “Five Moves of Doom,” and gets the three-count.
WINNER: JOHN (DID YOU REALLY EXPECT ANYTHING DIFFERENT?) CENA
Cena gets the mike and cuts a promo to the crowd, acknowledging the crowd not being in his corner. We get a “Cena Sucks” chant. Cena gives Punk credit for staying champion for almost two years, and besting him every time. He turns his attention to the Rock, recaping their fued, and his loss at Wrestlemania 28.
“There were times when he couldn’t carry my jock-strap.” – John Cena.
Cena chooses the WWE champion and the Shield make their entrance. Cena brings it to them, but the odds are against him and the Shield beats him down. Sheamus tries for a save, but doesn’t do much better. Ryback is out next, and he does a little better, but the Shield take him out. Sheamus and Cena try to fight back, but this ends with the faces down and out, and the Shield walking away.
And we go to break.
We come back recapping the Shield assault on Cena, Sheamus, and Ryback. We go back to Vicki for another spin of the wheel. It lands on “Lingerie Pillow Fight…” featuring Tensai and Brodus Clay.
Ghaaaaa….
Tensai refuses to do this and stomps off. Vicki makes Brodus spin the “Vicki’s choice” wheel and it lands on a dance off.
I have a bad feeling.
We get a look at A WWE fan-event, and then Brodus comes out to the ring.
And we go to break.
We’re back with Jerry Lawler in the ring with Tensai…oh dear God…
Oh God no…
GHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!
Tensai is in women’s underwear. He was not told this was a dance off. Tensai IS GOING TO DANCE IN WOMEN’S UNDERWARE.
WH AM I WATCHING WRESTLING? I DON’T WANT TO WATCH THIS! THEY OBVIOUSLY DON’T WANT ME TO WATCH ANYMORE! WHY AM I WATCHING THIS!?
Oh yea, King works in a “What happens in Vegas…” reference. Tensai dances and I want to die.
RON SIMMONS CAMEO: “DAMN!”
We go to world heavyweight champion Alberto Del Rio spinning the wheel and getting a “body slam challenge,” against The Big Show. Vicki wishes him luck. Del Rio reminds her in Vegas, “anything can happen.”
And we go to break.
We’re back with Ricardo Rodriguez introducing World Heavyweight Champion ALBERTO DEL RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRIO! Del Rio comes out and shakes hands with the fans, giving his scarf to a small boy in the crowd. We get a tiny “Si” chant until the Big Show comes out.
BODY SLAM CHALLENGE: WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPION ALBERTO DEL RIO VS THE BIG SHOW
Show attacks Ricardo and Del Rio right off. Del Rio hits some kicks but Show clocks him with the Big Right Hand. Show tapes Del Rio to the ropes. Ricardo tries to protect Del Rio, but the show just brutalizes him. Del Rio can only helplessly watch. Show wraps more tape around Del Rio’s hand, as Show goes back to beating Ricardo. Del Rio begs for Ricardo’s life, but show gives him the Big Right, and goes back to bullying Del Rio. Del Rio is clocked out, and the Show lumbers off, leaving carnage in his wake.
And we go to break.
We come back to a recap of Show’s Rampage and WWE divas in Showgirl outfits.
LAS VEGAS SHOWGIRLS LUMBERJILLS MATCH – WWE DIVAS CHAMPION KAITLYN VS TAMINA
This does NOT make up for Tensai.
I can hardly bring myself to type this. Tamina takes charge with the head-lock of doom and boots Kaitlyn to the floor. Aksana and Alicia Fox jump her. Kaitlyn fights them off and whacks Tamina with a showgirl hat. She hits Tamina with some shoulder-blocks and goes for a pin. Then it naturally becomes a messy cat-fight, that ends when someone hits the music.
NO CONTEST: ALSO, NO DIGNITY
We return to another recap of the Shield beat-down on Cena and friends.
And now, our NEW WWE champion…THE ROCK!
One word; FINALLY, as in…
“FINALLY, THE ROCK HAS COME BACK TO LAS VEGAS!” – The Rock
And finally, the Rock is once again WWE champion. He calls this moment the proudest of his career, and takes a moment to thank all of us. He recaps Punk’s put-downs of the people, and tells us those crap days are over. He makes a remark about Heyman needing a bra for his “Twinkie Tits.” Tonight is the People’s Era,
“AND WE’RE ALL GETTING PIE!” – The Rock
Punk is out, accusing the Rock of not earning that title, and the crowd is too stupid to realize he is a genus. Punk says Rock should hand him back the title out of respect for his father and grandfather, and apollogize to him for tarnishing what he’s accomplished. Rock says if he had an ounce of manhood, and “nuts between his legs,” he’d come downthe ramp and take it. Rock gives him the choice of being a man, or a “punk ass bitch.” Punk will stand up on the stage “like a Punk-ass bitch,” because it’s cool to swear, and Punk will do things when it suits him, not Rock. Punk reads off a list of appearences Punk will be making, and offers Rock a chance to face him at anyone of them, if it fits his schedule. If not, he’ll give Rock a rematch in three weeks (at Elimination Chamber.) Rock agrees to face him at Elimination Chamber.
When we come back, Sheamus faces Damien Sandow in a tables match.
And we go to break.
We come back with Sandow in the ring. We see a recap of him spinning the wheel backstage earlier where Vicki makes an obvious statement aout the match being a tables match.
“How Observant,” – Damien Sandow
Sheamus takes over early and sets up a table. Sandow slips out of a slam and leads Sheamus into/out of the ring, where he hits a drop kick. Sheamus tosses a table into Sandow’s face, but Sandow takes over with a shoulder-breaker. Sandow traps Sheamus’ arm in the table and stomps on it, droping both knees on the arm. Sheamus fights back, but misses a Brouge-kick. Sandow charges but Sheamus hits a flying shoulder-tackle. Sandow takes over and hits the “elbow of distain.” Sandow lays Sheamus on a table and goes up top, but Sheamus cuts him off. Sheamus ends this with “the White Noise” on Sandow, through a table in the corner.
WINNER: SHEAMUS
When we come back, Vince McMahon confronts Paul Heyman with an in-ring “performance evaluation.”
And we go to break.
We’re back.
Karaoke.
Zack Ryder and the Great Khali, singing superstars theme songs.
We’re going to have a Karaoke challenge with Zack Ryder and The Great Khali.
OH THANK GOD! 3MB!
Heath Slater is out and asks “are you kidding me?” Jinder calls them an embarrasment. Drew jumps in Khali’s face and gets chpped down. It turns into a brawl and ends with Hornswoggle splashing Slater and thank God it’s over!
Backstage, JERICHO! NEXT!
We’re back to BREAK THE WALLS DOWN!!!!!! Jericho makes his comeback to RAW, in tiny shorts and the sparkly jacket. He talks about being out for six months and his surprise return at the Royal Rumble. He thanks us all for welcoming him back and it’s something he will Never, EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEver forget again!
Ziggler comes out w/AJ and big E, to ask what he’s doing here? Ziggy and AJ recap how they got rid of Jericho last year, Jericho tells him to put his “crazy little dog on a leash before she pees all over the ring.” Big E. threatens Jericho, who responds with a joke about his pec size. Vicki comes up on the screen to inform Ziggler she re-signed Jericho. She spins the whel and it lands on “Strange Bedfellows,” meaning Ziggler and Jericho must team up against WWE Tag Team Champions Team Hell No. The champs make their entrance, and Ziggler starts off with Kane.
And we go to break.
WWE TAG TEAM CHAMPIONS TEAM HELL NO VS DOLPH ZIGGLER/CHRIS JERICHO
Well this was quick. Ziggler starts off in control of Daniel Bryan, while taunting Jericho by faking the tag. Ziggler hits a body-slam, and the elbow. Ziggler keeps taunting Jericho until Jericho “tags” Ziggler in the back hard enough to put him down. Jericho takes over on Bryan, hitting a drop-kick n Kane and a lion-sault on Bryan. Bryan hits a flying kick and gets Jericho in a head-lock. Bryan tags in Kane, but Jericho shoves Bryan into him. Kane and Bryan start yelling at each other. Bryan shoves Kane, Kane shoves Bryan down. Jericho tags in Ziggler but cheap-shots Kane in the back before walking out on the match. Ziggler yells at him, before turning into a choke-slam from the p-o’d Kane.
WINNERS: HELL NO
After that, we get our next HOF inductee high-light video, Trish Stratus.
And we go to break.
We’re back…
BROCK LESNAR JUST KILLED VINCE MCMAHON! I’m leading with this because I want to make sure you have a reason to keep reading.
We came back to Vince making his way to the ring. Vince called out Heyman and informed him that Punk had been escorted from the building. Heyman came out and offered Vince a handshake. Vince accepted it, then used hand sanitizer. McMahon proceeded to grill Heyman about the Shield and Brad Maddox. He asked Heyman if he ever lied…
“You know, a long time ago, I remember – in the Madison Square Garden dressing room, I heard your father say the phrase “Adversity defines a man’s character in his darkest hour.” And faced with the adversity of the fact that I have a feeling I know where this is going, I will tell you, I have lied every day of my stinking life because I am a promoter, and that’s what promoters do…” – Paul Heyman.
Possibly the best answer humanly possible. Heyman goes on about how he’s lied to stay alive and still have a business and a job the next morning. He promises to be an honorable man if that’s what it takes to stay. Vince seends the camera into Heyman’s face and asks the crowd if this is an honorable man with an honorable face, they say no. Vince shows footage of the “Brad Maddox experience.” Heyman has Maddox in a dark tunnel, orders the cameraman to shut it down. He then makes the same mistake EVERY VILLIAN WRITTEN BY A LAZY WRITTER EVER MAKES AND ADMITS EVERYTHING ON CAMERA. He tells Maddox that the Shield gets paid more than him because they are worth more. He sics the Shield on Maddox and the cameraman. We come back to the ring where the same crowd that chanted “ECW,” now chants “You got busted,” and the “goodbye” song. Heyman claims that wasn’t him. He claims it was a bad Vegas impersonator, and goes into a rant about his sucess with Punk and ECW. He denies being the man on the tape. Vince gears up the catchprase, wishing him well in his future endevors, we get to “YOU’RE…”
Here comes the pain.
Lesnar’s music hits and he makes his way out to the ring. Heyman begs him not to do anything, Lesnar orders him into the corner like a dog. He gets in Vince’s face, Vince warns him not to do anything he’ll regret later. After a pause, Lesnar HITS THE F5 ON VINCE MCMAHON!
RAW ends with Heyman begging Lesnar for Vince’s life, and leading him out of the ring.
Well, THAT was something. To you the good readers, I apollogize if this report was less than “real time.” I’m still trying to get the hang of it.
That’s about it for me peep-holes. See you next week (maybe.) Ryt-place, Ryt-time!
