RAW: 05/30/11. Little Jimmy’s Dad Should Not Eat Milk Duds.By G · · 5 Comments
Hey hey! Turns out Alykat couldn’t make it tonight, and ThinkSoJoE has had a fun, but long week getting married and whatnot. And it turns out that I was at the right place at the right time to put up a RAW review for you fine people. I have to note in advance, I wasn’t planning on doing this and prepared to go live. Good thing the WWE was not either, as our opening segment was kind of screwed up. At the end of the article, I’ll post the latest Power Poll results which I’ve neglected due to Savage’s passing just making me sad.
Take me to the promise land… umm… turtle? Sure. That works.
I watch, write, suffer, and succumb to this show, yet have to remind myself of what happened only minutes after each episode. That is how G’s
iMPACT RAW reviews work.
– See, we see R-Truth messing up some merchandise table to kick off the show. He’s angry. And we can’t hear him. He has planned to find an unintentional way to rip off Cena’s catch phrase due to technical difficulties. Hence, as ThinkSoJoE would put it:
ThinkSoJoE: “I figure you can transcribe the opening promo. It went something like this: “______”.”
– Cole and Lawler are audible briefly as they mention the technical difficulties, sound really, being part of a conspiracy theories professed by Truth and that he might have disconnected some cables in his cracked-out craziness. Well, they don’t mention crack… but you get the idea. Man, I love me some Little Jimmies. I could just snap into a Slim Jim
my. RIP Macho Man. I note this on my facebook that triggered this whole review:
Just got through the opening segment with no audio. Little Jimmies everywhere are saddened by the lack of audio, but liked how Cole and Lawler played up the technical difficulties as a result of Truth.
Hey, don’t tell me you haven’t noticed this in Truth lately either. Seriously, I don’t make this stuff happen… I just observe it. Regardless, I am loving the new persona for Ron Killings.
– Thank god Truth’s facial expressions are fantastic. Anyways, Cena comes down, says something. When the audio finally comes back, they’ve had words. The RAW GM sends Cole a message proclaiming that Truth will face Cena tonight! Almost caught up here…
– Dolph Ziggy Ziggler versus Kofi Kingston. Dolph remains blonde this week, and therefore not resembling an over-sized Evan Bourne. It’s a pretty decent bout. The two are given a double segment to tell a story, and neither play the dominant role. It’s nice to see a match like this on RAW, to be honest with you. Kofi’s high flying antics almost cost him the match with a failed cross body from the top ropes, Dolph gets a false count, but NO! Reversal by Kingston only leads to another opportunity for Dolph, who also reverses Kofi’s S.O.S. finisher and hits a Zig-Zag for the pin, and the win over the US Champion. Non-title, but that’s good here. This could develop into a nice little program.
Charles Barkley @G: “I can’t be here tonight as I am reliving the Dream Team literally in my dreams. Hence I am asleep.”
G @Charles Barkley: “Sleep-Tweeting is a lesser known REM phenomenon.”
– Oh crap… getting tired… yawn!!!! At least there are not 1290349012 promos during each 3 minute segment like on iMPACT Wrestling. There is no way I could keep up with that stuff on a Monday that I worked 15 hours prior to writing this.
– Ricardo Rodriguez announces Alberto Del Rio (but you already knew that). The usual car entrance ensues. Still not bored of this, actually. We’re reminded of the Big Show getting hit by a car last week, and Kane completely looking pathetic with his out-of-character concern. Dude got burned, burned J.R., etc. And of course, Big Show has bad luck with car segments and opponents whose name uses the same size-based adjective at the start. FFW! Actually, get some peanuts salted, in-shell to snack on… but I digress.
Unlike Kane, Grandma pulled her tag team partner out of the way just in time before hit by a vehicle. Bicycles are classified as a vehicle in most places… I don’t feel about going on a rant about cyclists not respecting the rules of the road tonight… almost saw an idiot get smoked tonight though….
– Rodriguez tells us what happened Espagnol. Del Rio tells the crowd all of this happened, because bad things happen to bad people. Del Rio notes after his pompous promo in which he promises to send Show the bill for his car, “And one more thing… Big Show… get well soon…”
– The Bella Twins versus Eve Torres and Kelly Kelly Kelly. Groan. The highlight here is Cole putting over Eve as one of the most talented women he’s ever seen, etc. It’s both painful to think about, and funny at the same time. These peanuts are really tasty, by the way. Nunzio is the ref. I eat more peanuts, as they help keep me awake. Kelly Kelly can’t even do Rikishi’s Stink Face move correctly? Wow, she sucks… yet picks up the win the faces. The losers? People who paid good money to watch the show live. As terrible as Velvet Sky comes across on the show I normally review… wow… that was garbage. It’s not like you could go to the merch table to get a Cena shirt for your little Jimmy during that, as Truth destroyed that in his tribute to the silent stars of early cinema that kicked off our show.
– Cole is in the ring, noting that Alex Riley was fired last week by the Miz. He’s a Judas, and whatnot. Cole notes that the RAW GM rehired Riley regardless. WTF? Riley got drafted to Smackdown a little while back! STUPID! The fact Riley appeared on RAW the next week anyways is akin to Cena being fired in December but never ACTUALLY LEAVING THE FUCKING SHOW. Sorry about the fucking swearing… still…
– Riley comes out as Cole plays the Miz’s biggest Cheerleader here, noting the Miz nutured Riley by taking him under his wing. But repaid him by attacking his mentor. “How could you justify your actions as of last week?” asks Cole. “I’d like to say, I’ve never felt better in my whole life,” retorts Riley. Back and forth, and Cole’s big comeback is to call Riley a “bastard.” OH NO! Riley tosses Cole down, and the Miz runs in and attacks Riley. And no theme song is played for his entrance (kudos!). The two scuffle as Cole crawls back to commentary. It’s mostly just brawling, and Miz hightails it leaving Riley looking strong.
We’re getting THAT much closer to the technology featured in Futurama.
– We are shown the match last week in which CM Punk gave tribute to the Macho Man with his ring gear, but was screwed over by Bret Hart’s excellent unbiased officiating. Ha ha! Anyways, Punk gets some redemption this week…
– CM Punk w/Mason Ryna versus Rey Mysterio. Punk sits cross-legged, with his fingers pointing to his lips, heeltastically contemplating that which is before him. It’s the little things like that, which separate the great heel in Punk over like 90 (percent) of the rest. We get a decent start before the commercials kick in, with some interference by Ryan outside on Mysterio making the odds look stacked against Rey.
– Commercials… including the August 23rd show in Calgary, Alberta, Canada. I am working on getting into the show as a seat filler for the third time in a row. Stay tuned for more info in the upcoming months.
– Punk is in control as we return, and has Rey locked up while the pudgier looking Mason Ryan looks on (is he off the juice?). Rey picks up some momentum with a Suicide Dive onto Punk outside, and into the announce table! Nice spot. We get some near-falls, and good psychology as well. A reversed GTS, leads to an attempted 619 that also fails due to Mason Ryan. GTS for real, and Punk is your winner. Little Jimmy is sad, while G is happy! YAY!
More Turtle rides!
– We get clips of Steve Austin on Jimmy Fallon Live reminding us Tough Enough is still on the air. In all seriousness, this has been a great season… but damned if the WWE remembers it is on the air. I guess a result of it being produced by someone outside the WWE.
– Kharma is in the ring. As a kid, she had two dreams. One was to become a WWE Superstar, she tells us. It’s a shoot. Jim Ross told her as she tried out for Tough Enough 2 that she was too fat to be in the big leagues, so she went overseas to Japan, and all the indies to prove ol’ J.R. wrong. Her other dream, more personal, wanted to be a mother. It’s a high risk pregnancy, so she has to call it quits. I can respect that.
– Not the Bellas though, who come out to run her down. They just thought she was fat, and Ross was right. The Bellas come across as, well, terrible as usual. Kong, err… Kharma responds, “I really hope that in one year, when I come back, you two are still here… because I have a new dream…” Exeunt stage ramp.
– I hope Kharma’s dream fails in that I sincerely hope the Bellas are GONE. Yawn. Make like twin magic and disappear under the ring forever. That turned out FAR better than I had hoped.
Even Little Jimmy knows the Bellas suck
ed their way to the top. Get the hell off my tv.
– Jack Swagger versus Evan Bourne. Not a lot of time left here… and we’ve got a main event to get to. Hmm… It’s what it is, a dominance (not squash) by Swagger, who at one point literally does pushups with his hands ON Bourne. Then out of nowhere, Bourne reverses into a school boy and gets the pin! Wow! 3 minutes, and over. Swagger is irate.
– R-Truth mutters to himself outside by the tour-trucks.
– John Cena versus R-Truth. Prior to the match, we’re reshown the Truth intro no with added audio! Little Jimmy is seen with his Dad who casually eats a MilkDud as Truth berates his family. SOUND HELPS. Oh well, to be honest, they should’ve stuck with the conspiracy theory to make sense of the technical problems to start the show. That would have been gold, Jerry… gold. Where’s the improvisation in the WWE? Where’s Macho Man’s Condominium on the Moon?
– Someone in the crowd shouts “Woo woo woo!” at Truth who hides outside the ring to start. Didn’t see any reason to take care, and spike my hair this week. Maybe that showed up on Superstars with Tyson Kidd and his revolving door of managers? Whatever, I’m tired and the peanut buzz has worn off. Truth keeps avoiding contact… he goes to the Little Jimmy and his Milk-Dud-eating Father with a look of evil, as Cena goes to save his CeNation members… ref is counting… BUT NO!!! Truth runs back into the ring, and Cena is counted out! Then Truth goes back to Little Jimmy, steals his drink… takes a sip and tosses the rest on Little Jimmy’s Milk-Dud-eating-father. Truth bails, as Cena come over to console the father, and wipe his tears away as the WWE logo comes up… and I’m out.
Time to go drop some acid and rock out with Chewie and the Ewoks! Timothy Leary for the win! Later folks…
1 – 10. Randy Savage.
I don’t forget after a mere week and change. RIP.
1. Randy Orton (3)
2. Christian (4)
3. Alex Riley (NR)
4. R-Truth (5)
5. Rey Mysterio (NR)
6. John Cena (2)
7. CM Punk (9)
8. Sheamus (NR)
9. Sin Cara (6)
10. Ezekial Jackson (NR)
Fallen Out Of The Top 10:
The Miz, Daniel Bryan, Alberto Del Rio, Kharma
The Power Poll is a weekly top 10 ranking of wrestlers as voted by members of these wonderful sites: BoredWrestlingFan.com, Future Endeavors, Hit the Ropes, NoVaWPodcast, Oh My WrestleBlog, PIZZABODYSLAM, Pro Wrestling Ponderings, Ringside Rants, RingSideXcess, Smark Out Moment, Smarks Anonymous, With Leather, Wonderpod-Online, The Wrestling Blog, WrestlingAdikt.com, WrestleRage.com, Wrestling Nuggets and Wrestlespective. Follow the Power Poll voters on Twitter.
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