Last night was Hell in a Cell!  Did John Cena join Nexus?  Is Randy Orton still the WWE Champion?  Was Daniel Bryan brutally mu-… I’ll leave that one to myself.  Find out tonight, as Jackass star, Johnny Knoxville guest stars what is sure to be another amazing Monday Night RAW!

Nexus comes out and talks about their victory at Hell in a Cell.  Barrett says the two men who helped were Husky Harris and Michael McGuillicutty, which didn’t surprise anyone.  Barrett says he doesn’t know them and they aren’t a part of the Nexus.  Barrett then scolds Nexus for going down to the ring and potentially causing him his match.  Tonight’s about inducting Cena into Nexus.  Please welcome, the newest member of Nexus, John Cena.

He comes out with no music, which is just heartbreaking, to be honest.  I’m upset.  I wanted to make a joke.

Tarver says the joke is on Cena, because he failed.  They have a gift for Cena: The Nexus armband.  Cena looks at the arm band and puts it on.  Slater says they know the transition’s going to be difficult, but they’re all there for him.  The public wants to know exactly what his thoughts are.  He says that he will read the official statement they made instead of saying what he wants to.  Barrett says it’s not negotiable, and he’ll read it and read it now.

It essentially says that he acknowledges that he’s a member of Nexus, and an enemy of Nexus is an enemy of his.  Barrett says that Cena has to participate in a tag match with a partner of his choice against Evan Bourne and Mark Henry.  Cena picks Tarver.

Mark Henry and Evan Bourne vs. John Cena and Michael Tarver

Cena starts off the match with an offer to shake Bourne’s hand, and they do.  Tarver’s pissed about it, but Cena doesn’t look like he cares.  Cena then tags in Tarver and climbs out.


@KeepItFiveStar HEY! Where’s your Nexus Shirt Cena?! There’s a dress code damn it! Put it on!

@seraphalexiel I hope both men don’t suddenly get to join. The end of Season 2 was a failure for a reason, and it begins and ends with McGuillicutty

@Niki_Sushi Awwww. His own wittle armband. Are they slowly going to give him different parts to the ‘uniform’ or what? #BWF #RAW

@HitTheRopes Geez, Cena sure likes to pick on the black Nexus guys. Wasn’t content with getting rid of your brother, now he’s going for Tarver. LOL #wwe

@CawCawBang Cena got something planned I don’t like it

@TKeep123 I wonder if Cena gave any secret signals while he was forced to read his (confession) speech. (Viet Nam era folks will get it.) #WWE #RAW

We come back to Tarver getting his ass handed to him by Henry.  Cena really doesn’t seem interested in helping Tarver at all, to be honest, even mockingly reaching for a tag.  Tarver manages to get toward Cena for a tag, but Cena leans away, and Henry seems amused by it, toying with Tarver.  Tarver goes to tag Cena again, but Cena jumps down off the ring and begins signing signs in the crowd.  Henry picks up Tarver and hits him with the World’s Strongest Slam.

Mark Henry and Evan Bourne win via pinfall.

Cena takes a mic after the match and says that he’s gonna make his own statement.  As the newest member of Nexus, he plans on doing one thing and one thing only: destroying it from within.  Like no one expected that.  Tonight, he proves that you can be Nexus and against us.  He hits Tarver in the head with the mic, and then body slams Tarver onto the steel steps.  Twice.  Then he gets Tarver back in the ring and locks in the STF.

“The terms of the stipulation for your match with Wade Barrett stated that if you lost, you must join the Nexus.  Now, Nexus is clearly a group that takes direction from its leader, Wade Barrett.  And thus as a member of the group, John, you must also take direction from Wade Barrett.  If you don’t, as much as I would hate to do it, as much as it would be bad for business, as much as the WWE Universe would despise it, I would have no alternative but to terminate your WWE contract.  Mr. Cena, no one man, despite his popularity, is bigger than WWE.  In other words, Mr. Cena, I will fire you.”


@FrankWWEClown And who says Cena is boring, and not interesting? Are you watching this?! #WWE #RAW

@KeepItFiveStar Cena’s looking at this all wrong. The Nexus have a great benefits package. Family picnics, BBQs, and other fun Nexus activities.

@HitTheRopes We CLEARLY see Michael Cole reading from a paper and NOT the computer screen. #fail #wwe

@TKeep123 For months we can’t keep #NEXUS away from the ring, and now Tarver gets a beat-down and NO NEXUS to be found? #WWE #RAW

@Niki_Sushi  Tarver is in Soul Sucking Position! YOU BETTA HIDE YO KIDS, HIDE YO WIFE! #BWF #RAW

@WWEsAngel_Nef Okay. Say what you want marks but John Cena has the best fans. So devoted. I actually love that they chanted ‘Never Give Up’ #WWE

Alicia Fox vs Natalya

No warning on this one at all, but good to see Natalya in the ring.  Natalya hits the sharpshooter pretty quick, and Alicia taps.  Great 30 second match.

Natalya wins via submission.

WTF? 30 second match, 30 second reminder of the guest star, Johnny Knoxville, and now five minutes of commercials.


@RingsideRants That wasn’t even long enough for a bathroom break!

@CawCawBang wow that was quick

@kickoutblog My thoughts on Natalya vs. Alicia are longer than the actual match

@redsandman99 The good news is, Nattie won. The bad news is, the match was over in five seconds

@JoeyStyles What a match for Nattie…and I thought I finished fast.

Knoxville is talking with Gail and Melina, promoting Jackass 3D.  Zack Ryder comes up, and Knox calls him a tool.  He offers Ryder a high-five, only for him to get the shit smacked out of him by a giant hand.  Knox mocks him a little.

Cena’s backstage with the Nexus armband again, and Josh Matthews comes up, asking what he’s gonna do.  Cena says he doesn’t know.  Cena suddenly takes off running after Husky and McGuillicutty, and Barrett says that there’s a lot he needs to talk about, concerning his future.


@TKeep123 FIRST time I was ever happy to see Zack Ryder during a Promo! “You know it!”…. #WWE #RAW #BWF

@Niki_Sushi Johnny Knoxville just wtfpwn’d Zack Ryder without even getting in the ring. I DEMAND WEE-MAN VS HORNSWOGGLE DAMMIT!!!! #BWF #RAW

@legendkiller515 damn zach ryder got his ass kicked and he aint even in a match #wwe #bwf #raw

Daniel Bryan is in the ring with his crazy ass music.  God, I wanna punch him.

It’s a shameful thing, lobster head! … Too many limes, too many limes!

United States Champion Daniel Bryan vs. Sheamus

Sheamus beat the shit out of Bryan.  Not even kidding.

United States Champion Daniel Bryan wins via disqualification.

I think.  Sheamus hits the High Cross on Daniel after beating the hell out of him.  Sheamus climbs out of the ring and starts back up the ring.  Dear, God.  Was RAW booking only Nexus and Cena tonight?  This is ridiculous.

Anyway, Edge makes his way to the ring to supposedly apologize to the computer.


@Niki_Sushi Oh. Damn. Forgot this fruit existed. Daniel Bryan, go awa-nevermind. GO SHEAMUS GO! #BWF #RAW

@kickoutblog Oh God, it’s the battle of wrestlers who don’t tan!

@KeepItFiveStar Did Daniel Bryan fail a Wellness test or something? Did he piss the Vegan police off? That was weird.

@Niki_Sushi OMFG! Who put a wrestling match in my commercials?! #BWF #RAW

@KeepItFiveStar “And THAT’s for fulfilling your indy dates while under contract!” – Sheamus after destroying Daniel Bryan

@TKeep123 Diva match… 90 seconds. Sheamus / Bryan 120 seconds… WTH? #WWE #RAW

And a Video Package of what we just saw, like fifteen seconds ago.  Jesus Christ, RAW.  I get that Cena joining Nexus is a big deal, but there are other Superstars…

Oh, God, Michael Cole’s in the ring.  He’s now going to speak for the General Manager.  I guess Stephen Hawking got pissed at the WWE for using his voice.  Supposedly, it’s because of the events of the last few weeks, and will now communicate via email.  So, the GM hates us all, is what I’m getting.


Before Edge comes out, the GM wants us to see the hilarious, I’m sorry, horrific events of last week.


The destruction of the GM last week was unacceptable.  Two things are going to happen: Edge is “going to apologize”, and the GM will make a huge announcement regarding the WWE Championship.

You think you know me…

Edge, of course, says he won’t apologize.  He’s on a personal crusade against all things stupid, and around here, there are a lot of things that are stupid.  Michael Cole has been the personification of stupid since 1997.  He’d rather listen to a recording of JR than a live Michael Cole.  And if the GM thinks he has attitude, then when Edge becomes WWE Champion, then he’ll see attitude.  The GM says that tonight they will decide the Number One Contender for the WWE Championship in a 20-Man Over the Top Rope Battle Royale. Don’t expect me to keep up with that.  The winner will face Randy Orton at Bragging Rights.  Edge, however, has disrespected the GM one too many times, and won’t be in the battle royal tonight, because the GM has officially traded him to Smackdown.

Edge says it’s the greatest night of his career, because he now doesn’t have to listen to a computer, or this tool say, “And I Quote.”  Cole flips out, and everyone boos him.  Yeah, good job Cole.  Cole says that now that he’s the official voice of the WWE, Edge needs to treat him with respect.  Edge asks if he went off RAW after spearing Cole into next week would be respectful.


The Miz and Alex Riley make their way down to the ring.  Miz says that Edge will do no such thing.  Cole is a visionary, the one person that realized Miz’ awesomeness before anyone else.  Cole leaves the ring, tripping.  Miz tells him to go back to the announce table.  Edge calls Miz an Edge-wannabe.  Edge then goes through the checklist of Edge.  Miz says that that was an interesting analysis, but they’re nothing alike.  Edge says that he’s right, because Edge has been WWE Champion, and has been married, divorced, had a live celebration.  He hasn’t even seen Miz talk to a woman, unless you count Alex Riley.  Riley says that whether Edge likes it or not, Miz is the future of the WWE.  Edge says that Miz is awesome at tapping out to Daniel Bryan.

Miz says that if Edge is trying to agitate Miz, it’s not working.  Miz is either going to be competing in a WWE Championship match, or leading RAW into decimating Smackdown.  So, why doesn’t Edge go to SyFy and tell all his new Smackdown buddies that he’s the Miz and he’s awesome.

Edge then attacks Miz and Alex Riley, Spearing Alex Riley, only to get a Skull Crushing Finale from Miz.

Cena backstage with Nexus, and Barrett says that Cena did him a favor in attacking Tarver.  He wants Cena to help him with tonight’s battle royal.  Cena asks what happens if he wins, and Barrett says that he’s ordering Cena to help him win.  Otunga sticks his foot in his mouth and gets berated for it, and then tells Cena to either do as he’s told or get fired.


@TKeep123 Michael Cole has to stand on a box to be seen? #WWE #RAW #BWF

@seraphalexiel Fool. Hide yo paper, at least.

@TKeep123 “I’d rather listen to a recording of JR than a live Michael Cole!” – Edge #WWE #RAW #BWF

@Niki_Sushi That’s….. three or four laptops now? I seriously hope that’s included in the budget… I don’t think Nextel makes laptops. #BWF #RAW

@HitTheRopes Hey Otunga, know your role and shut your mouth. #wwe

@bethsharae I love Edge’s crusade. I shall join him. I now destroy all things stupid. #Raw #WWE

Oh, fuck me running… It’s the Bellas.

Nikki and Brie Bella vs. The Unified Divas Champions LayCool

Jesus Christ, someone put a mic on LayCool.  My head hurts bad enough right now…  I have no idea what the fuck is going on, okay?  I don’t even care anymore.  Oh, and there goes the Switcheroo again.  Someone kill me.  Seriously.

Nikki and Brie Bella win via the same old shit… er, pinfall.

Maryse is backstage, talking to Knox.  He says that he doesn’t speak Spanish, and she accuses him of sending the messages.  Ted then walks up and accuses him too, and Ted walks right into the huge hand.  Maryse throws her shoes at Knox, and then Maryse is hit by the hand and lands right on top of Ted.  Knox is apologizing repeatedly, and then runs away from a very pissed looking Ted.


@StrikerSays Are you serious. You just put the BELLAS over your champion. What is this fuckery.

@KeepItFiveStar This match is already longer than Natalya vs Alicia Fox

@ThingsColeSays They have found a way to make LayCool ever more annoying. Well done.


@divadirt LMAO! Maryse continues the shoe-throwing trend only to get hit by a giant hand. There’s a very un-PG joke in there somewhere. #WWE

@legendkiller515 that big ass hand is funny #wwe #raw #bwf

<VIDEO PACKAGE: R-Truth and Eve Torres defeat Maryse and Ted DiBiase two weeks ago; the secret admirer messages start.>

Please welcome the guest star of RAW, Johnny Knoxville.  Oh, Jackass 3D is in theaters October 15th.  Yes, let’s put Knoxville in the ring.  Because that went so well last time.

Knoxville’s talking really fast, is obviously freaked out by DiBiase coming after him, and tries to leave before he does.  Too bad, because he’s here…

Knox says that he was just trying to make Maryse laugh, like Ted does… And proceeds to make a fool out of himself.  Then smacks the taste out of Knox’s mouth.  Then, it looks like he’s trying for Dreamstreet, but Knox just lays there like a limp noodle.  Another message comes over the tron: You are mine.  Goldust attacks DiBiase, and Maryse just stands there.

Goldust then tells DiBiase he doesn’t want him, obviously, and walks over to Maryse, who seems to be trying hard not to laugh.  He does, however, say that he doesn’t want Maryse.  What he wants, is the Million Dollar Belt.  Only Goldust would send love notes to a belt.  Seriously.

Next up: The 20 Man Over the Top Rope Battle Royal.

Here are all the guys I think I saw.  I’ll fix it as I can:

John Cena, Mark Henry, Evan Bourne, Mr. Money in the Bank The Miz, William Regal, David Otunga, Wade Barrett, Heath Slater, Justin Gabriel, and Zack Ryder.  That’s all I managed to catch, but I’ll do the best I can.


@HitTheRopes It’s amazing how great Raw started and where we are now. #wwe


@ThingsColeSays Hey Johnny, there’s a new joke going around have you heard it? What did the five fingers say to the face? SLAPPPPPPPPPP!

@StrikerSays So happy for the return of BIZARRE Goldie. He had dialed down to just “odd.”

<VIDEO PACKAGE: WWE Superstars and Make A Wish.>

King and Cole remind us that a shitload of stuff has happened… if you’ve been watching, you know.  If not, scroll up.  I’m tired of repeating the same shit.

And Cena’s backstage, brooding over the arm band.  Otunga walks up and says that he knows he’s upset.  He wants to tell Cena that Nexus isn’t all bad.  Barrett is a bit demanding sometimes, but deep down, they can make it work.  Cena may feel like this is the end, but it’s not.  If Cena ever needs to talk, Otunga’s there for him.  Just let him know.

Cole opens his mouth and reminds us of what we’ve already seen.  It’s okay, Cole.  I have the memory of a goldfish.  Thanks a bunch, man.

<VIDEO PACKAGE: Randy Orton punts Chris Jericho last week.>

Twenty Man Over the Top Rope Battle Royal

Fuck keeping up with this, so here’s who in the damn match.  I’ll just tell you who wins, because it’s easier.

Participants: John Morrison, R-Truth, Santino Marella, Vladimir Kozlov, Sheamus, John Cena, Wade Barrett, Heath Slater, Justin Gabriel, David Otunga, Zack Ryder, William Regal, Evan Bourne, Mark Henry, The Miz, Ted DiBiase, David Hart Smith, Tyson Kidd, Darren Young, and Primo.


@KeepItFiveStar CENA! WHERE’S YOUR SHIRT! You had time!

@bethsharae …. Truth doesn’t get to sing anymore?! HELL YES!!! #Raw #WWE

@HitTheRopes Otunga, don’t you pay attention!? Darren Young, Michael Tarver. What do they AND you have in common? Stay far from Cena. LOLZ #wwe

@legendkiller515 once again no one understands what the hell r-truth is saying in his damn songs #wwe #raw #bwf

Found all the damn contestants.  I don’t know what’s going on… Don’t make me figure it all out.  Cena eliminated Otunga, and now Barrett yells at him for it.  Nexus just argues in the middle of the ring, and no one is aware of it, apparently.  God, idiocy.


@KeepItFiveStar Why is Mark Henry asking why? Did he not see the first 10 minutes of the show?

@HitTheRopes I always wish for something unexpected like Santino to win something like this. #wwe

@kickoutblog Why the hell is Darren Young in this match?

@Niki_Sushi I look up to see Nexus, and totally went ‘GO GO POWER RANGERS!!!’ #BWF #RAW

@legendkiller515 this is the oddest collection of #raw superstars for a battle royal ive ever seen. most of them dont belong in this match #wwe #bwf

I don’t’ know what I’m supposed to say.  The outcome was obvious.

Wade Barrett wins.

But, cutting his victory celebration short is none other than the WWE Champion, Randy Orton, who makes his way right up to the ring and right inside, like Barrett ain’t nothing.  Which, he probably isn’t.  Insert epic staredown, Randy holding up the title, and thus, RAW ends.

Proud of myself for getting this finished for you all tonight, even with a headache and some weird ass dizziness.  Anyway, until next week!


  1. What I meant was that the #1 Contender status could have come down to Cena and Barrett after a series of matches over two or three RAWs, and the end result could have been the same. Why do something so big all at once the RAW after a ppv?

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