RAW 12/30/13 – Attack of the ClonesBy G · · Leave a Comment
As G has gone to see the first film in a theatre in “The Empire of Smaug Strikes Back”, I have taken over this review… or at least for the time being. HELP! If he discovers I posted here while he was away, he’ll surely kill me and the monkey that resides in the open cage upon the stairs. I am hoping he will not read this, as he usually skips the RAW review because it “Fucking sucks.” Save me Obi-Wan… (article hijack update).
“I watch, write, suffer, and succumb to this show, yet have to remind myself of what happened only minutes after each episode. That is how G’s
Smackdown RAW reviews work. And as J.T. Hogan has observed, it often makes more sense than the program you are actually watching. This is not a play-by-play recap, there’s enough of those online. This is a highly-opinionated take of the show in question. Also, go fuck yourself, RAW Smackdown review.
– Wait, this show is THREE FUCKING HOURS!?!? What in the hell have I gotten myself into? I need to start planning my escape, maybe G’s DVR will help with that…
– It’s a good thing no one cares about this RAW… phew…
– CM Punk Clobbering-Time’s his way out to episode 1075. What a milestone. Punk gets his cheap plops in Vagina, and he is excited for 2014, even though 2013 was a weird one for him. Started with the championship run, wrestled him some Rock, Taker, and shit. That’s right, Punk wrestled fecal matter, you could say it’s generationally perfect. Feed me more. BANG! BANG! He thinks 2013 was Team Beta’s year, so he wants to be interrupted by them as they leave the nosebleeds party with Jorge, JT, Mark, and Joe, and make their way down (pausing to pick up two beers each from the concourse). Punk wants to face the best one of The Shield, and brushes off Ambrose and Rollins as that guy. He wants Reigns. Ambrose is flipping out over this. He does a 720 vertical flip, actually, and takes 1st in the X-Games. Brad Maddox takes over the segment, and books Seth Rollins vs CM Punk. Best for Bidness.
Star Wars needed more zombies anyways….
– * Seth Rollins vs CM Punk – It’s hard to complain about this one. Sure, we’ve seen it a few times, since Rollins’ is Punks’ go-to-guy to test new moves on. But it’s also like a clip reel. The Shield watch on a ringside, and it’s a shame Ambrose didn’t join commentary. After much ado, Rollins teases the GTS again like he is Arron Asham taking out Jay Beagle on October 14, 2011. Brendan Shanahan appears on the BettmanTron and reverses the desicion allowing for Punk to survive and toss Rollins into his pals. Rollins tried to re-enter the ring, only to hop on pop into Punk’s sleepy-time finisher. He loses, and gets nothing. Punk wins.
He’s a responsible giant robot.
– Maddox meets backstage with Mr. McMahon and her husband. Daniel Bryan enters, and demands a match with Bray Wyatt. Maddox thinks otherwise and makes some BS match with goat-mask, or indie-beard guy instead first. Stephanie tells Multiple Man to watch and learn what her daddy told her to book for the main event for the Democratic Monarchy Rumble as voted by no one on the WWE App. One of these days they’ll let us know how to download that shit. Somehow, Bryan might face Bray or something out of this.. I’ll let Mark explain.
G: Hey Mark, G’s clone here. How does this work?
Mark: It’s way to early for me to be in the review, G.
Clone G: I’m not G.
Mark: Who the fuck are you?
Clone G: Just some internet guy. How does Bray meet with Bryan tonight?
Mark: The same way the Canadians burnt down the White House in the 19th century, clone-Clone G.
Clone G: Skill? Stealth? Mad-pimpskill?
Mark: Nope. Cross-checking your way through the yanks and dropping molotovs the whole way.
Clone G: Ahh, so basically like Thanksgiving.
Clone G: Got it. Message sent loud and clear. I’m on it…
Mark: NO WAIT! THAT WILL START A WAR!
Clone G: Meh. You dudes went to war over someone getting tea-bagged in Boston. And I hear you blokes liked it.
Mark: We don’t talk like that, eh?
Clone G: We do. See you in Mens Hockey in Sochi, because… wait…
Mark: Fuck you G.
Clone G: Indeed! The real G is going to be in for a surprise!
– Orton videos. Great. Then Stephers tells us Randy will be a fighting robot in a traditional match against John Cena. I drop my plate of random food in disbelief. This cannot be true?!? This can’t be the future? I am in complete shock, so I run through a wall, tumble to the ground and lose my glitter-covered-storm-trooper mask as I debut back in time. Quickly, me and Diddy return to 2013 and continue this review. I look around and notice a shadow in the darkness…
Jorge: My precious…
Clone G: Huh?
Jorge: Hates the Hallsies… precious… THIEF! GOLLUM! GOLLUM!
Clone G: I didn’t steal anything. Aren’t you that asshole that breaks in almost every week?
Jorge: … precious….
Clone G: Did you just drop your pants? What the fuck, dude!
Mark Diddy (Yeah Mark): [Mark screeches like a monkey]
Clone G: Keep it down, little British monkey. I thought you were Japanese!
Mark Diddy: I am. See these?
Jorge: That’s kind of racist, G!
Clone G: I’m not G, I’m his clone. I’m not as PC as him.
Jorge: Check out my heavy E-String.
Mark Diddy: Impressive!
Clone G: I AM FIRE! I AM DEATH!!!
Jorge: Ok, I’ll leave now.
The Thing (Joe): It’s CLOBBERING TIME!
Clone G: I thought you left.
The Thing: I intended too, but these potato chips are too fantastic.
Sue Storm (As read by Jorge impersonating JT impersonating him as Sue Storm): You can’t see me. You see, I am Jorge impersonating JT impersonating him as Sue Storm.
Clone G: What happened to G’s scab collection? He’s going to be super pissed.
The Thing: It’s vomiting time!
Santa Jorge: Ho, ho, ho! MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!
Clone G: A little too late, dude.
Joe: Why am I even here G?
Clone G: I’m his clone. Quick, into my crawl space!
Joe: err… umm….
– And just like that, The Hobbit 2 ends and I make my way home… I wonder what happened on RAW? ThinkSoJoE has awkwardly entered a secret door in the wall, and revels in the fine odors of The Big Show and cookies. He’ll be a bass player soon, precious. (G)
– I suddenly feel a cold twang in my body… he’s coming home, he’s coming home. Tell the world he’s coming home. I need to call Rob Ford. Maybe he can delay this from happening… Diddy has him on speed dial.
– * Curtis Axel vs Dolphins1925 Ziggler. Great. Axel tries to be relevant, but is absorbed by Dolph’s midcard paradox. Together they form a “No One Cares” match, which Ziggler wins with a Zig Zag or something. It’s all deep space travel type of stuff, and not being 2013 Man of the Year, Chris Hadfield, I can’t explain it to you.
The answer was NO TACO!
– * Mr. Cocaine Hands (I.C. Champion) vs. Fandango. Sigh, another feeder match. I lose interest in this match very quickly. They get the second commericial break treatment. This is why I nominated Joe for the Bukkake of the Year on the BWF Radio Awards show a couple weeks back. I’ll watch the rest of this later.
– Diddy just smushed a bunch of monkey feces into the DVR. “Nope,” I Ambrose. Fucking monkey.
– And we’re back, I guess. Smalls looks for cocaine in the corpse of dead-wannabe Reggie Dunlop actor, Al Pacino, and only finds three sets of masking-taped-wrapped-glasses shoved up is ass and a card from Jorge that says, “I probably did watch Slapshot last Sunday after BWF Radio.” Weird. He really did let me know he was there. Fandango hits his leg drop finisher, but Biggie E rolls out of the ring onto Pacino and they exchange numbers. ThinkSoZombieJoE is seen ringside holding up a sign that says, “I have until 5 ref!” Big E shrugs off both undead references and wins said match with The Big Ending. Phew, I was worried there, for a minute.
– Booker T is out with the PTP’s and all the Divas. Also Xavier Woods, Apartheid Man, and other lesser seen guys. Booker promises a New Year Spin-a-rooni… but then he is interrupted by… Bad News Barrett. He wants decorum, and rises to the occasion on his magical elevating forklift with a tarp on it. There is no way we are ending the year with a dance move, rather improvement. Wade calls for one step closer to the Apocalypse. (Zombies?). The citizens will continue to be corrupted by greed, destroying the environment, and mindlessly following trends like sheep. Yep. Zombies. Sweet. Shop Smart. Shop S-Mart.
– Sandow talks with Paquette about being misbooked like an asshole. And if he can’t win tonight, he will quit. We get to vote who he will face. It’s either The Miz, The Mediocre Khali, or The Kofi.
She planned that.
– * Damien Sandow vs ???. We, the WWE Universe voted for The Mediocre Khali!
– I see G’s car pulling up in the lot, and zipline down from my apartment balcony to intercept him. Diddy is taking over for bit…
G: Ok, G is delayed. I spiked his car tires and set up some obstacles to slow him down. What did I miss?
Mark Diddy: SCREECH! SCREECH! A FIVE STAR CLASSIC! SCREECH!
G: No I didn’t
Mark Diddy: SCREECH! No, you didn’t. This was shit.
G: Of course. Who won?
Mark Diddy: SCREECH! No one. SCREECH!
G: What happened?
Mark Diddy: Khali pretended to move around, SCREECH! Sandow did all the work. SCREECH! He basically wrestled an inanimate object. SCREECH!
Joe: I’m glad I took the night off.
G: Why are you here?
Joe: I don’t know.
G: Continue my little British indigenous monkey pal.
Mark Diddy: What’s to say? Khali shambled around, as if he was a threat, but thankfully, SCREECH!, Sandow pinned him.
Joe: Dusty finish?
Mark Diddy: SCREECH! Not for the right reasons.
G: This really is Joe’s Brazzers’ present.
Joe: Triple X-mas, everyone.
– They finally announce that as long as Daniel Bryan beats off Luke Harper, Wayne Gretzky, ThatDamnDoubleC, Smaug, Eric Rowan, Shredder, The ECW Zombie, Rob Ray, Mike Adamle, and New Jack, he can face Bray Wyatt for… the Dropped-Off-in-a-random-parking-lot-title because… well… logic.
That’s just awesome. Well played, Satan.
– * Brodus Clay vs R-Truth. Xavier Woods joins commentary and talks about stuff. Nothing really. Clay tosses Truth around like a ragdoll, and looks the part of the monster he should be. Woods appeals to Clay to worry about his beef with him, and then The Funkadactyls run out. The distraction allows Truth to pick a win. This shit is silly. Then they all dance around as Clay looks on in anger. I miss Smackdown, this is kind of dumb. Oh shit, guess what’s next..
– Triple Game makes his way out to the office, Jack! He promises 2014 will be like no thing we have ever seen. And we should welcome back Brock Lesnar to the WWE. OH SHIT! ANDERSON SILVA GUY IS MARKING OUT IN THE AUDIENCE HOLDING UP A NON-PRESENT J.T. HOGAN WEARING A SHIRT THAT DISPLAYS: “Lesnar broke HHH’s arm worse than Silva broke his own leg!”. Pretty crafty, she is.
– “The beast is back,” proclaims Lesnar’s returning mouthpiece, Mr. Paulman Heyman. Paulman asks why is Brockman here, man? He wants Orton’s bullshit title, so he wants to face Daniel Bryan, naturally. Actually Joe Kentman Brockman doesn’t care, he plans on winning the Royalist Loyalist Rumble for England!
Mark: Damn Right! Fucking traitors!
– Actually, Brock is convinced he can win whatever he needs to in order to take and hold the title from whoever holds it. He issues a challenge to Mavenfan at WM35. Mavenfan appears on the Maventron with Mike Knox agreeing to the title defense. WHAT’S THIS? Mark Henry thinks he is relevant enough to face…
Joe: BRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOCK LESNAR!
– … But Lesnar eats his lunch, and sends him to fill up the tank at Jimmy Hendrix and John Morrison’s mythological gas station in the desert back country of Nevada. Lesnar hits Henry so hard, he returns to the ring after orbiting the planet four times (travelling through time, which I can attest to, I saw him when purchasing some Crystal Pepsi for my master), and saves Buddy Holly from the plane crash screaming “Hello, Baby!” the whole time. J.T. is seen among the cosmos holding up a sign that says, “HAL said it was safe to walk outside.” Sadly in ROH, no one can see you wrestle. I mercifully kick him into a Dragon Gate where he meets the dude that played MacGuyver, who is also a renown Calgary Flames fan. Oops. Lesnar is back, dude, brother, dude. Brock F5’s Henry onto the floor because that’s where this show let’s the bodies meet.
– 10 Diva’s tagmatch. Funkadactyls, Bellas, Eva Marie vs. Aksana, Kaitlynner, Alicia Fox, Eva Mendez, and oh, let’s say Moe.
This would be better…
– FFW. Fuck this. The highlight of this match is when Aksana locks on the headlock of doo… Yeah, “doo.” I need to stay in one place for a week, folks. Stupid Fantastic Four. I put out the fire with my own natural cream based product with some super-dick, shred-rape action. What time? Every what day? Cock talk, yo. That’s right, AKSANA picks up my… err.. the win as she pins some forgettable diva in a forgettable match. And she enjoys some swimmers that fell out of the pool. Moving on…
– I guess Cena and Orton are at the house show in Toronto. Good.
– Maddox apologizes to the Stephanies backstage since Kane is also in the T Dot. He makes some Flair references, so WOO. Baltimore, people. HAL is coming for you Joe. Literally. He is totally turned on. Because computers need power.
Joe: I’m infected by Malware
G: That hasn’t stopped the Nature Boy before.
Jorge: It’s true!
Mark: It’s DAMN TRUE!
Joe: Shut up, fools… shh…
Jorge: Dude, I uploaded that to facebook months ago.
G: Ha ha! Get Jorge on facebook, LOL.
Mark: BURN DOWN THE WHITE HOUSE!!!
G: That was last segment, or so….
G: Fuck it, let’s do this.
Joe: I just texted your owner, clone G, you’re done.
Mark Diddy: SHREEK!
Jorge: Joe, that was a dick move!
Joe: This bastard made me a zombie for months! JORGE! WHY SHOULD I TRUST HIM?!?!
Jorge: He is one with the force.
Mark: He is the BWF Jedi.
G: Do I get those powers when being cloned? Uh oh… G’s home… I’m posting this live to the net so that if I die, I die in honour.
– Bray Wyatt and his kin roll onto the set… It’s time for a test…
– *Daniel Bryan versus Luke Harper – I return to check into the live episode of RAW, and we’re getting two hoss matches? Why is shit already posted and saved in this review? A certain someone is getting the beats tonight. They play the crowd in a good way, even teasing Bryan off the top rope, only to eat a powerbomb. They really do let the hoss battle Bryan here, and it’s worth the watch. But Bryan ultimately picks up the win with The MTBJC. Bryan moves along to…
– * Eric Rowan vs Daniel Bryan. Yay. This is even more Hoss. FFW. I miss a bunch of this match. Cares had by all.
– Those don’t happen, because Bryan wins instantly. Like someone hit the “B” button on the second controller of your NES while you played Karnov. Shh…. Rowan is dead. Moving on.
– Bray Wyatt vs Daniel Bryan. Bryan is pretty fucked up to start, and an instant DQ ensues. Rowan and Harper invade, ruling this no-contest. Then they beat hi
– G here. What happened? Apparently, I posted some kind of RAW review. There is a lot of confusion on BWF tonight. I catch Bray Wyatt telling us that tonight, “This is where No Mercy begins…” and to “Open my eyes…”. Is Bray bringing back the NES classic “No Mercy” from Super NES64? Bryan, laments that Bray is right. After all these losses, no matter what, the machine would never let him win. Beard buddies? Bryan says, “I’m yours”, “Let me join the family…”. Wyatt looks elated. Bryan crawls up… only to date Sister Abigail.
– Bryan looks to have joined team beard. He turns on the crowd, because shaving is a waste of out time.
– This show is fucking weird. Go Bray Wyatt. Go Daniel Bryan. I… yeah. See you on BWF Radio folks.
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Joe continues not to notice this section. 😀 It’s like a Talking Heads song or something. 4 weeks and counting. He was warned.
Sept 6, 2013. I am a clone of G. I am currently handcuffed to one of the lower legs of G’s sofa in his apartment. Yesterday, while the real G was at work, monkey nearby shrieked at me to attempt to lift the sofa. It worked! I went to thank the monkey located in an open-doored cage on the stairs leading down to the basement of G’s basement apartment, and noticed a large man strapped into a chair in the basement. I then heard the original G returning home. I need to find his magical device that created me…
Sept 13, 2013. The real Gee has noticed my writing. That stupid fuck hasn’t deleted anything, but he did taze me repeatedly. I still think there is a monkey held captive on the stairs to the second level of this building.
Sept 20, 2013. Made progress today. Discovered some kind of cloning device. I used it to clone the device itself, and hid the copy under the couch I am “hand-cuffed” to. The monkey saw this, but I don’t think he’ll say anything. He’s a monkey, after all. Some dude named Johnny Storm stopped by to say hi. Weird.
Sept 27, 2013. An obese man who claims to be famous magically appeared in the living room today. He told me the cloning gadget I made a copy of has the powers to do much more. Sounded like a bunch of crap to me. I immediately knocked him out and tied him up beside the one the “real” G calls “Barks.” Both look the same. I killed the new guy and fed him to the other captives. I think. They both look the same. All of that future-talk and preventing the death of kayfabe annoyed me. Either way, one of the “Barks” was dinner. He tasted like chicken. Big surprise there.
Oct 4, 2013. So I guess the guy I fed to his doppleganger was actually able to escape last week with help from that J.T. guy. He was screaming something about “his” chair. Either way, G is pissed and punished me all week. He said something about maybe sending me to Fall Camp. I decided to not make any decisive moves. It seems for the best. Just like the WWE, I guess, albeit “best” isn’t the “best” word I’d use to describe the product.
Oct 18, 2013. It’s been a while since I’ve been able to write here. G has been continually sending me off to ancient historical eras to collect random artifacts. I don’t understand why a stool sample from Henry Hudson is so important. And what was the point of leaving a smoke bomb in the front hall of the Palace of Versailles on May 6, 1682? I’m told I’m going to have to… gotta go. He’s home.
Nov. 8, 2013. I’ve been sent on a bunch of weird missions. The most weird was when G sent me back to 2008. See, I snuck former PM Tony Blair into Buckingham Palace and stapled old-people-face to his kind of already old-people-face. No one has noticed even until today. I still don’t understand why he made me do that.
Nov. 15, 2013. This last week was even more bizarre. He made me put on some suit and a red tie and shave my head, and then pretend to be in control of his weekly scab collecting group. I burst in, and told the vice president and current scab champion collector that I was in charge. We bickered back and forth for a while, and then G kicked in the door dressed in drag and began shrieking that since he was the vice president of the chess club next door he was taking over. Very odd.
Dec. 6, 2013: Charles Barkley recently abducted me and took me on a cruise ship with him. We circumvented the planet, stopping at various ports-of-call, and living the high life again. It was really awesome. Then sadly, today, I awoke only to find myself back on the couch of G’s apartment. Was it all a dream?
Dec. 13, 2013. Nope, not a dream. In fact somewhat of a nightmare. This week I was forced to go to work for G while he vigorously stayed home masturbating (I can only assume) and eating nachos. Work sucked. Firstly, I am not trained to do anything G actually does at his jobs, so I looked like a complete idiot. Oddly enough, some fellow who has a Bruce Springsteen complex and calls himself “The Boss” told me that my work had shown significant improvement today. I am pretty sure G’s jobs don’t involve a body count, though.
Dec 20, 2013. Just got back from a reconnaissance mission to infiltrate Charles Barkley’s place. G insisted I take the monkey from the open cage on the stairs with me. He told me the monkey was given special orders, and my job was to get the little guy into the house. I did as I was told. Once inside, the monkey went to every toilet in the house and proceeded to defecate inside the water tank of each one. I don’t know what G is feeding that monkey, but damn!
Dec 27, 2013. Shit, I’m tired. G outsourced me to that dude who always invades via the apartment balcony to deliver bass strings to the bass player children of the world the other day. Turns out, I fucked up and gave a bunch of five and six string bass player kids, four string packs, so he made me go out AGAIN the next day to fix the problem. Turns out, that for some reason, descending into people’s homes via chimney is only considered acceptable behaviour one night out of 365. Or at least, that’s what police officers in 45 countries on the planet seem to think. I have to go out again tonight, but I’m just going to drop molotovs down the chimney instead. Fuck getting arrested again.
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