Hello, my loves.  I know it’s been a very long time since I’ve put up a review, but… It’s the WWE Draft!!  I’d make some kind of smart comment, but I haven’t seen RAW in a few weeks.  So, here we go.

Jesus Christ, we start out with a RAW vs Smackdown fight in the ring.  I missed the beginning, as did everyone el- Oh, god.  It’s a battle royal.  So, don’t ask me what’s going on, but here’s the order of eliminations as I can see them:  The winner of this battle royal gets the first draft pick of 2011!

Kane. Khali. Kozlov. Zeke. Slater. Masters. Barrett.  Ted DiBiase. Mark Henry. Brodus Clay. Yoshi. Sheamus.


@KeepItFiveStar The rope eliminated Brodus Clay and Mark Henry. It was just too much weight for that poor rope.
@kickoutblog That’s the most Ted DiBiase has done on WWE TV all year.
@kickoutblog Battle Royals, blogging Kryptonite
@PricelessRKO what if @findevan won by eliminating the big show?! lol #WWEDraft #RAW #BWF

McIntyre. Santino. Rhodes. Brian. Evan. Ryan.

Smackdown wins the first pick of the WWE 2011 Draft!!

John Cena has moved to Smackdown.  Fuck, I’m not going to see Cena for a while now.


Cena comes out and looks alright with the fact, but I’m never going to see Cena now.  I work Friday nights.


@TKeep123 Damn….the Self-Cobra! Santino’s OUT! #WWEDRAFT #ToughEnough #RAW #BWF
@WWEsAngel_Nef NOooooooooooooooooooooo fuck you WWE
@CMPunkSays Evan Bourne vs. Kofi Kingston = Street Fighter IRL #WWEDraft
@KeepItFiveStar Oh My God! I don’t know what kinda Street Fighter Mortal Kombat Dragonball Z shit Kofi and Bourne were doing but that was awesome!!
@JRosz78 Can we draft Kofi to #FCW? #WWEDRaft

Justin Roberts is backstage with John Cena.  Roberts asks him what his reaction is to the draft.  Cena says that SyFy is going to party like it’s 1999, and a bunch of other Star Wars references, and other things, and basically says that he’s really happy.  Yeah.  The biggest change comes out Sunday when he walks into Extreme Rules a member of Smackdown, and leaves WWE Champion.

Miz walks up and says that after this Sunday, when it comes to RAW, John’s right, Miz can’t see him.

Tonight, it will be “Sir” Michael Cole against Good Ol’ JR.  I want to kill him.

Last week, Morrison punk’d R-Truth out and convinced Truth to put up his title spot in the WWE Title match at Extreme Rules… and Truth was stupid enough to do it.

<VIDEO PACKAGE: Morrison beats R-Truth, and Truth ghetto snaps on dat bitch.  Oh, and he lit up in front of all those kids and pissed a bunch of people off.>

Truth is out here, because we really want to listen to his illiteracy right now.  He’s getting… nothing, really.  He starts out like normal, then tells Raleigh to shut up.  He tells them not to boo him, to boo themselves.  The topic of the world today is you, Raleigh.  Last week, John Morrison, his friend (yeahright), his pal – y’all betta stop with dat what – he came out there and challenged Truth-.  Raleigh doesn’t give a shit.  And they’re amused.  Morrison challenged Truth for his spot in the Championship Triple Threat Match at Extreme Rules.  And Raleigh is pissing Truth the hell off.  You know what?  “What?!”  Why did he challenge Truth?  Because of you.  Yeah, right there.  Why did Truth accept?  Because you wanted him to.  YOU DID! RIGHT THERE! Reading this!  He lost because of you!  You know what he’s starting to realize?  Y’all got him pissed off.  Truth spent his career trying to please and be what they wanted him to be, but they ain’t got him nowhere, or diddly squat.  He raps and dances every week, not that we like it, ‘cause we don’t, just so that we can dance too.  And he says we are out of tune and off beat.  Really?  Really, Truth?  Really?  You look like someone through you in a blender and pressed CHOP HIM THE FUCK UP!  Then, he mocks poor Little Jimmy, who ain’t never hurt no one.  Truth yells at you to shut up again, and Truth points out that Little Jimmy singin’ ain’t putting any bacon on the table titles around his waist.  For the last ten years, he’s given to them, but no, he’s givin’ them the deuces!  You know what else? Sit down, four eyes!  Know what else, ten years of “fustration” and disappointment… When he let that go, it felt marvelous.  And he’s just bein’ honest.  For the first time, in my life, the Truth has set me free.

Snickerdoodlepoodle, SHUT UP!

And then Morrison shanked attacked that bitch.  Morrison is kicking some ass.  Morrison just keeps at Truth like… You know what, I’ve run out of clever little ghetto analogies.  Just enjoy the Truth beat down.

Next week, the Rock is going to be back on RAW for his birthday.


@HitTheRopes R-Truth is mad as hell as and it is damn hilarious. Dude is venting like a Thermo King. #WWE
@FrankWWEClown Lil Jimmy is the spokesperson for @ZackRyder’s Invisi-rope! They go together like two invisible peas in a pod! #WWE #RAW #WWEDraft
@KeepItFiveStar R-Truth is talking to his imaginary friend Little Jimmy, who’s best friends with Heidenreich’s Little Johnny. He has LOST his DAMN MIND
@kickoutblog Oh my God, heel Truth is amazing. Little Jimmy is an asshole.
@HitTheRopes Black man never want to accept blame, always gotta blame someone else. #CmonSon #WWEDraft
@Terrahfry Heel Promo; 1) Blame audience for shortcomings. 2) Tell audience to shut up.
@Rhiannamator Indeed, this is the best Troof has ever been. Unfortunately, he still kinda sucks.
@JonHexLives R-Truth says “Deuces!” to the fans mirroring what many have said to R-Truth for the past three years. #WWE #RAW #BWF

<VIDEO PACKAGE: Barbie gets her little body squished… and then her little head popped right the fuck off.  Dat’s right, bitches.  Awesome Kong Kharma is on her way.>

Eve Torres vs. Layla for a Diva Draft Pick (with Michelle McCool)

<VIDEO PACKAGE: Laycool’s Couple’s Therapy… goes south.>

…. Alright, I don’t know what’s happening.  Eve goes for a pin, and Layla’s pants are sparkly.  Mother fucker, Cole interrupts again.  Fuck Cole.  Eve pins Layla, by the way.

Eve Torres pins Layla

I have no idea what Cole’s saying, but Layla looks pissed, if that helps.  Raw now gets a draft pick, and Layla and Michelle are tearing it up at ringside.  Layla has had enough, bitch!

Rey Mysterio has moved to RAW!

You see JR working out backstage.  Yes.  You.


@TKeep123 Layla dishing out a heaping helping of Tough Love to McCool! About time! #WWEDraft #WWE #BWF
@CMPunkSays I hope Jim Ross brings a pistol to the ring and repeatedly shoots Michael Cole in the face. #Literally #WWEDraft
@HitTheRopes @MsLayel went straight up Overtown on @McCoolMichelleL there. You go, Layla. Don’t take nothing from nobody 🙂
@HitTheRopes If this was a random match I’d have no problem with Cole but his interference took a little away from the LayCool storyline
@seraphalexiel I would like to see Cole disrespect Awesome Kong/Kharma while she’s in the ring.
@kickoutblog Kharma should’ve debuted right there and ripped Michael Cole’s throat out.
@WWE_Creative Kharma’s going to have a rude awakening, because those dolls sell better than most of our Divas. #RAWTonight

Justin Roberts is now joined by Cody Rhodes, and Justin wants to know what Cody thinks of Rey’s draft.  Cody says he’s going to give him a present, a new mask!  … One that he gets before he goes to an emergency room, and Rey can do his tricks all over the hospital.

Smackdown vs RAW Draft Pick Match: Kofi Kingston vs United States Champion Sheamus

Sheamus shoves Kingston into the corner, and proceeds to beat the hell out of him.  He pulls Kofi between the ropes and smacks his chest, then goes outside and slams his shoulder into Kofi.  Sheamus goes for a cover, and Kingston kicks out.  Sheamus hits a clothesline on Kingston, and then pulls him in a submission.  Kingston tries to fight back, but Sheamus throws him in the corner.  Kingston moves as Sheamus runs and Sheamus goes shoulder-first in the corner.  Kingston hits a cross-body and goes for a cover, but Sheamus kicks out.  Sheamus then nearly “takes Kofi’s head off”.  Sheamus then puts Kofi up for the High Cross, but Kingston counters.  Kofi hits Trouble in Paradise for the win.

Kofi Kingston (and Smackdown) wins via pinfall.

Smackdown gets… Randy Orton.


@WWE_Creative Sure RAW lost both @JohnCena and @RandyOrton , but it still has @ZackRyder #RAWTonight
@HitTheRopes Orton coming to Smackdown! Kofi, ruuuuuuuuuuuunnnnn!!!! #wwedraft #stupidstupidstupid
@KeepItFiveStar OH MY GOD! BOTH OF THEM?! BOTH?! There’s NO WAY Cena and Orton are BOTH gonna be on Smackdown. Is Smackdown goin live??
@KeepItFiveStar S.O.S! I hear them JOBBIN! S.O.S! Why am I tryinnnnnn??

Check One Two!

Ouch.  Cole’s singlet… physically hurts me.

@Niki_Sushi Omg… It’s like a cartoon.

If you don’t see that tweet, it’s because she never tweeted it.  She just said it to me, while sitting on my bed.

“Sir” Michael Cole vs JR

<VIDEO PACKAGE: Cole has the most disgusting feet of anyone on the planet.>

At Extreme Rules, JR and Jerry Lawler are going to team up against Jack Swagger and Michael Cole.  Jerry just went up to go be in JR’s corner too.  Okay, and Swagger mocking JR on the apron reminded me of Godzilla stomping on Mini-Tokyo.

Cole and JR circle each other a little bit, then Cole grabs JR’s hat and stomps it.  JR is unamused.  JR grabs Cole by his straps and then hurls him against the corner.  Cole said motions for a time-out, and gets a drink and a stool.  Cole calls himself a collegiate wrestler.  Too bad no one told Cole this isn’t college.  Cole just tried to pick JR up, and did, but JR got on Cole and started pounding away on Cole.  Cole crawls around and out of the ring, and Jerry grabs him, throwing him back into the ring.  JR is back on Cole, and Swagger attacks Jerry from behind, sending him bouncing off the turnbuckle.  Meanwhile, JR was still goin off on Cole, but Swagger gets in and attacks JR.

JR wins via pinfall.

JR has bloodied Cole’s mouth, and Swagger put JR in the ankle lock.  Cole tells Swagger to take JR’s belt off, and Swagger gives it to Cole.  Cole yells about ‘Look at my face’ (Cody much?), and Swagger puts JR in the ankle lock while Cole slaps his ass with the belt.  However, Jerry slides right back in and cleans Swagger right out of the ring.  He picks up the belt and looks at Cole.  Cole looks like he’s going to cry, and Jerry corners him, keeping him in the ring and hitting him in the ass with the belt now.  Cole limps off holding his ass.

“This Sunday is Extreme Rules.  Jim Ross and Jerry Lawler vs Sir Michael Cole and Jack Swagger will be a Tag Team Country Whipping Match.”

Backstage, WWE Champion The Miz and Alex Riley are joined by Scott Stanford, who gets mic-jacked by Alex Riley.  Riley switches it upside down.  Miz interrupts and says that it’s now about him?  What about the Draft, Truth and Morrison, or The Rock’s Birthday?  YIPPEE!! The most electrifying birthday in Birth-Tainment!  Miz says that he shouldn’t have to compete in a Triple Threat Steel Cage match, and he will find a way to win.  Cena will go to Smackdown, a loser.  Morrison, wherever he goes, will always be a loser.  Every single RAW fan, every single network executive on USA should be praying to the high heavens that he doesn’t get drafted to Smackdown, because if he does, Monday Night RAW will, within one month, be cancelled.  Because he’s the Miz, and he’s awesome.


@TKeep123 Damn…..JR takikng another 2on1 beating…. King, I’m stating to wonder about having you in my corner. #WWEDraft #WWE #BWF
@KeepItFiveStar LOL birth-ertainment. Gotta love The Miz
@ZackRyder Hopefully I get drafted from Superstars to either Raw or SmackDown #WWEDraft
@kickoutblog Okay, JR punching Michael Cole in the mouth is pretty fun.
@TheBethPhoenix @JohnCena is so happy to join SD that he wont stop talking to Hornswoggle. I smell a rap-off. #WWEDraft

<VIDEO PACKAGE: Randy Orton defeats CM Punk.  But the New Nexus (Otunga, McGuillicutty, and Ryan) come in to save him.  Mason nearly punts Randy back, but Punk stops him and goes to do it himself, then eats an RKO.>

Randy Orton vs Brunette Not-Dolph Ziggler for Two Draft Picks

Randy drops Ziggler quick, then again, then goes for a  pin, but Ziggler kicks out.  Ziggler drops Orton, and goes for a pin, but Orton kicks out.  Dolph puts his foot in Orton’s face, and Orton stands up.  Vickie is still at ringside, and @Niki_Sushi thinks her shirt matches Cody’s mask.  Orton fights back and plants his elbow in Ziggler’s face.  Vickie goes to look at him, then yells at Orton and the ref.  Ziggler fights back and Orton goes over the barrier.  Ziggler slides back in the ring and the ref starts counting as Randy climbs over and back into the ring.  He comes back with a Thesz Press and a clothesline, and another, and a scoop slam.  Orton drops Ziggler and goes for a pin, but Ziggler kicks out.  Orton throws Ziggler into the corner and ducks a clothesline with a back breaker.  Orton drops to the mat and pounds it, waiting for Ziggler.  Ziggler, like they all do, stands up, and Vickie distracts Randy long enough for Ziggler to almost pin Orton, but Orton hits the RKO.

Randy Orton wins via pinfall.

Smackdown gets…

CM Punk interrupts and says that the draft picks can wait.  The most important man on television has something to say.  He finds it ironic that the PPV is Extreme Rules.  They’re going to get nasty, but the rules don’t apply to them.  The only thing that does for them is that they have to answer the ref’s ten-count.  Punk is going to destroy him, and Randy has no one to blame but himself.  Punk is going to send Orton packing to Smackdown broken, beaten-down, turned inside out and hurt, a former shell of what he used to be.  Orton takes the mic and says that there are going to be many things he misses from being on RAW, but one of those things is listening to Punk ramble on, and on, and on.  After Sunday, Punk won’t be talking, he won’t be walking, he won’t be eating, drinking, moving.  All he’ll be is sleeping.  Unconscious sleeping.  Because Randy will be the last man standing.

Now, Smackdown gets…


@KeepItFiveStar “You won’t be talking. You won’t be walking. You won’t be eating. You won’t be drinking. You won’t be pissing. You won’t be kissing” – Orton
@dasharpshooters Watch Extreme Rules to see CM Punk and Randy Orton get nasty on each other! Wait..what? #WWEDRAFT
@HitTheRopes Damn, look at @CMPunk’s power. Dude comes out and stops the #WWEDraft
@TheHistoryofWWE The Thesz Press is starting to look like sexual assault #WWEDraft
@CMPunkSays FUCK SELLING, I’M RANDY ORTON (punches nun in the face, rides motorcycle into the sunset) #WWEDraft
@KeepItFiveStar I really didn’t recognize Dolph Ziggler. His hair and tights have gotten more generic. Poor Dolph.

Mark Henry.  Mr. Kool-Aid.  And Sin Cara.  Goddamn it.

Intercontinental Champion Wade Barrett vs. Rey Mysterio for Two Draft Picks

Wade starts it out with a kick to Rey’s stomach, and throws Rey into a corner.  Rey fights back with some sharp kicks and hits, as well as sliding right between Barrett’s legs.  Barrett plants Rey, and goes for a cover, but Rey kicks out.  Wade gets over him, and Rey is followed into a corner.  Barrett pins Rey, but Rey kicks out at two.  Barrett plants his knee in Rey’s back and pulls his arms back, but Rey fights to his feet and kicks Wade’s knees, ducking under a clothesline and bouncing off the ropes.  Wade shoves Rey into the pole before sitting him on the top turnbuckle.  Rey fights him as Wade comes up, and Rey gets off the top rope, hitting the hurricanrana.  He dials up the 619, and goes for the pin, and the win.

Rey Mysterio wins via pinfall.

RAW gets Big Show and Alberto del Rio.

Alberto is backstage yelling at Ricardo, and Brodus asks what about him.  He said something was his destiny, and completely ignored Brodus.


@KeepItFiveStar LOL Did Booker T really just “Wait A Minute” The Draft? He knows what’s gonna happen. It’s the same screen every time!
@HitTheRopes Big Show needs to just have a Uhaul. He moves every draft it seems
@kickoutblog It is required by law that Kane and/or Big Show get drafted every year.
@TKeep123 Sin Cara misses one little trampoline stunt and…POOF…off to #Smackdown. #WWEDraft #WWE #BWF
@TKeep123 Alberto Del Rio upset being traded to #RAW …someone please tell him it has nothing to do with Condoms. #WWEDraft #WWE #BWF

At Extreme Rules, it will be CM Punk and Randy Orton in a Last Man Standing Match.  Jim Ross and Jerry “The King” Lawler will take on Jack Swagger and Michael Cole in a Country Whipping Match.  There is also a Ladder Match between Christian and Alberto del Rio, and a Triple Threat Steel Cage match between The Miz, John Morrison, and John Cena.

Teddy Long comes out to say that the Main Event will be a six-man tag team match.  From RAW, CM Punk, Alberto del Rio, and the WWE Champion The Miz.  Against Christian, Mark Henry, and John Cena.


@HitTheRopes John Morrison has done nothing to have us remember he’s apart of the WWE Title match. I thought it was Cena vs. Miz alone for a second
@KeepItFiveStar Here comes the Gary from Pokemon of the WWE, Teddy Long. Stop gloating. You got the best picks for once.

The WWE Draft continues tomorrow at noon, eastern time, with the Supplemental Draft, on WWE.com.

CM Punk, Alberto del Rio, and WWE Champion The Miz vs Christian, Mark Henry, and John Cena for the final Draft Pick

What Ricardo Rodriguez announces: Ladies and Gentlemen, this is my man, my family, he has a tuna, and something in his trunks.  He drives really expensive donkeys, Alberto del Rio!!!!


Christian and Miz start out the match.  This is only a step above a Battle Royal, so we’ll see how well I follow.  Miz ends up jumping over Christian, who ducks under his clotheslines, and then tags in John Cena.  Miz dives out of the ring.


@HitTheRopes The final time for Cena on Raw? With Rock’s birthday bash next week I can’t see Cena NOT being on Raw
@CMPunkSays Let’s play “Mark Henry or Violet Beauregard.” #WWEDraft
@KeepItFiveStar Now Mark Henry has to get Big Blue Willy Wonka tights instead of Red Koolaid Tights
@FrankWWEClown Mark Henry, what did I tell you about eating Willy Wonka’s Blueberry gum that hasn’t quite been made right yet! Jeesh. #WWEDraft #RAW
@KeepItFiveStar I’m loving this. Christian can win the World Heavyweight Title, turn heel & be “The Champ” like his TNA character (You know. The GOOD years)

John and The Miz are still in the ring, except not anymore because Miz just tagged in Punk.  Cena tags in Henry, and Punk tries to get free, only to eat Henry’s body weight.  Mark punches Punk in the head, then stands on Punk.  Punk clings to the bottom rope as Henry tries to pick him up, and then Christian gets tagged in.  Christian waits for Punk to stand up, then plants his elbow in Punk’s chest.  Punk gets Christian up for the GTS, and Christian nearly sets up the Killswitch, but del Rio distracts Christian, and Punk gets Christian down.  Del Rio goes for a pin, but Christian kicks out.  Rio gets Christian in his own corner and tags in Miz.  Miz bounces off the rope and kicks Christian in the face.  Miz goes for a cover, but Christian kicks out at two.  Miz puts Christian in a headlock, and Christian fights out.  Miz knocks him down, then drags Christian to his own corner.  Punk is tagged in and kicks Christian in the thigh.  Punk goes for a cover, but Christian kicks out.  Punk Whips Christian into the steel post, and Punk stands him up.  He tags in Miz, and Miz kicks Christian in the stomach, then in the head.  Christian slaps Miz in the face and sets up the Killswitch, but Miz fights out and hits the swinging corner clothesline.  Miz goes for a cover, but Christian kicks out at two.  Del Rio is tagged in and he kicks Christian before punching him down.  Del Rio then bounces Christian’s damn arm off of Del Rio’s knees, and del Rio corners Christian in a submission.  Del Rio runs back at Christian and puts him on the top turnbuckle.  Christian fights back and knocks Del Rio off the top turnbuckle.  Christian then hits a tornado DDT off the top turnbuckle.  Both Del Rio and Christian are down in the middle of the ring.  Del Rio tags in The Miz and Christian tags in Cena.  Miz misses a clothesline and Cena plants Miz.  Cena gives Punk the You Can’t See Me, then eats a clothesline from Mark Henry.  Henry then drops Christian face-first on the steel steps.  Miz and John show signs of movement, and Miz takes advantage of Henry’s betrayal and hits the Skull Crushing Finale for the win.

CM Punk, Alberto Del Rio, and WWE Champion The Miz win via pinfall.

RAW now gets JOHN CENA!  Cena takes out all three of the RAW members, gives Miz the Five Knuckle Shuffle, and then goes drops Miz on del Rio, Punk, and Ricardo.

And, just so that it’s easy to find for everyone, here’s the Draft picks:

Rey Mysterio
Big Show
Alberto Del Rio
John Cena

To Smackdown
John Cena
Randy Orton
Mark Henry
Sin Cara

And there’s the results of the WWE Draft!!  I won’t be here next week at all, but I will check the Supplemental Draft tomorrow when I get back from class, alright?  I’ll post the supplemental draft for you all.  Til next time!


  1. She's back! Huzzah!

    This was such a letdown, the Cena-swapping in particular. The draft concept could be one of the high points of the wrestling year, and it's a piddly throw-away thing. How hard would it be to treat it like a real sports draft instead of the weird quasi-lottery that it is? Instead of rushing into a ppv right after Mania, start setting up for the draft after Mania and skip the ppv that month. Have matches on both shows to determine numbers of draft picks, round choices, possible immunity from trade, title options, and whatever else would be worth it. Maybe even a match to determine which show actually hosts the draft, to make it seem like two equal teams are involved. Yes, I know. Focus on the shifting of alliances and whether or not wrestlers on one show would actually unite for the good of their brand, or whether manipulations and screwing one another over would happen. That sort of thing should take a good month, not be tossed out there on tv in one night with no build or explanation.

    I'd watch the daylights out of that.

    • A better statement could not be made. that would be pro wrestling 101 that for some reason doesn’t exist anymore.

  2. I love the move of Sin Cara to Smackdown. Yeah, it is the B-Show, but the fact that it is not live means they can hide Sin Cara's weaknesses as he adapts to the WWE style. Everytime I watch him hit his trampoline spot and almost bail upon entry, I think about what would happen if he botched it on live television… that would go viral, and fast… think "Shockmaster." We need this guy to succeed. Let him develop on the Blue brand for a while.

    Also, the Cena double swap was ridiculous. It makes all past drafts make no sense. If you could redraft the same guy twice, then why wouldn't one guy keep getting drafted back and forth (e.g. The Rock back in the day)? Why would that silly HHH draft turn into a trade? I know I am overthinking this a bit, but seriously. Doesn't. Make. Sense.

    Great write up AK! Thought you vanished, glad to see you back reviewing RAW!

  3. Justin Roberts is backstage with John Cena. Roberts asks him what his reaction is to the draft. Cena says that SyFy is going to party like it’s 1999, and a bunch of other Star Wars references, and other things, and basically says that he’s really happy. Yeah. The biggest change comes out Sunday when he walks into Extreme Rules a member of Smackdown, and leaves WWE Champion.

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