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I know what you’re thinking: Doth mine eyes deceive me?  Am I correctly seeing that the fair maiden, AlyKat, hath indeed written another compelling and entrancing review for Monday Night RAW?!  Your eyes do not deceive you, my dear friend, and I have indeed.  I have been working a lot of Monday nights in a row, but tonight I am not, thus I am back.

Okay, enough of that.  I’m back guys!! I’ve decided that (okay, not really decided, but still) I will review tonight’s RAW.  Now, I don’t know what’s been happening, I’ve missed a lot of RAW lately.  Apparently, Over the Limit was last night, and I missed that, so… I don’t even know who’s a champion anymore.  WE’LL FIND OUT, WON’T WE?!

Tonight’s episode is in memory of “Macho Man” Randy Savage.

We start off with WWE Hall of Famer, Jerry “The King” Lawler making his way to ringside.  Last night, at Over the Limit, it was King who made Cole kiss his foot in the most ridiculous concept for a match I’ve heard of in a long time.

King says he just wants to say that, finally, the long, national nightmare is over: Michael Cole has been beaten.  King knew Cole would try to weasel out of kissing his foot, so King had a “Hart” up his sleeve: Bret “The Hitman” Hart.

Bret says that he and Jerry had their differences, but Bret respects him, and none for Cole.  Surprise.  It was Bret’s pleasure to make sure that Cole suffered the agony of defeat.

SNICKERDOODLEPOODLE, SHUT UP!

Truth comes out and tells everyone not to boo him.  Truth can’t believe his eyes.  Truth said that he hasn’t been in a Championship match.  Maybe because he never gave the “little Jimmies” anything.  Truth says help me help you help me help us help them help Hitler.  Or something.  Truth takes Bret’s sunglasses and says he’s going to give him a Little Jimmy somethin’, which makes me wanna call the cops.  He gives “Little Jimmy” Bret’s sunglasses and says he should be up next for a WWE Championship match.  Then he takes them back.  Asshole.  The action part of his mind says that he needs to beat up a Hall of Famer.  Bret says that if Truth wants to beat him up, he can take a shot, but the reason Bret got championship matches is because he’s the best there is, best there was, best there every will be, then calls Truth a lunatic.  Truth says he’s not going to be disrespected.

BRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR CENA’S SHOE

GODDAMN IT.  Well, I know who’s WWE Champion.  Damn it…

Cena comes out and tells Truth to hold on.  Cena says it’s about time that he and Truth had a little talk, and I’m hoping they censor this for the children.  Cena and Bret have a brief talk, and Cena says he’s had his hands full with The Miz, but he doesn’t know for sure when Truth went crazy, then asks him What’s Up.  Cena says they used to be cool, and Truth says something about a rooster, and even Cena looks confused.  Truth says that there’s a conspiracy, and it’s about Cena.  These people make sure it’s all about John Cena.  Cena says that John Cena makes sure that it’s all about these people.  Truth tells them to shut up.  Truth says something about, “I want my son back” and I forgot about Legendary for a minute there.  Truth says he never liked Cena. Cena and Hart are just propaganda tools designed to make these people feel good.  Guess what, Truth don’t care about these people or how they feel.  It’s all about Truth, ME ME ME!  And he ain’t gonna feel right until he gets his WWE Championship match.  Cena says it’s about time someone knocks some sense into Cena.

“R-Truth.  You’ve been impressive, but I need to see a little more before I can grant you a WWE Championship match.  Therefore, I’ll be paying close attention to tonight’s tag-team main event: R-Truth and CM Punk versus Rey Mysterio and John Cena.  And the special guest referee will be Bret “The Hitman” Hart.”

Backstage, The Big Show and Kane are talking about Nexus.  However, Ricardo Rodriguez comes up and rants at them in Spanish, basically saying that he’s too pretty and they’re too hairy.  Show shoves him to the ground.  So, Alberto walks up and swears at them in Spanish, calling their mothers goat humpers and saying that Kane eats eyeballs.  As they walk away, Alberto jerks Ricardo to his feet.

<COMMERCIAL>

@WWEsAngel_Nef “When we gone watch the new Cena movie–I want my son back dammit!” ~ RTruth! #WWE #bwf Propaganda tool gosh I LOL

@kickoutblog Really, John Cena is going to laugh at someone ranting incoherently? Baloney fudgin’ mustard, anyone?

@ULTIMATEMARKOUT: I DON’T THINK TRUTH CAN HANDLE THESE MANY JORTS AT ONCE

WWE Tag Team Champions Kane and The Big Show vs David Otunga and Michael McGuillicutty for the WWE Tag Team Championships

YAY! CM Punk joins them on commentary, and asks if they missed him.  I sure as hell did.  Now, the match starts with Kane and Otunga start it off, and Punk demands to know who told Josh he could ask Punk questions.

Beginning of the match has Show and Kane dominating, showing their own strength while Otunga plays up a touch of a stupid coward, which he is-… Alright, I’ll stop.  Show manhandles McGuillicutty, slapping him straight to the ring floor, then stepping on his face.  Show then hurls McGuillicutty over the top rope and Otunga and Ryan go to him.

<COMMERCIAL>

@Niki_Sushi Awww… I heard ‘tag team championship’ and my brain automatically went ‘BROOKLYN BROOKLYN’. I made myself sad. :< #BWF #RAW

@WWE_Creative Even we missed @CMPunk on commentary. He makes everything more watchable. #RAWTonight

@WWEsAngel_Nef Honestly I had no idea Otunga was still employed. >> #bwf #WWE

We come back to Otunga and McGuillicutty dominating Kane and Big Show.  Otunga is causing Kane some serious damage, and Josh points out that Ryan is flanking Punk, and Punk sarcastically thanks him for that.  McGuillicutty is trying to keep Kane down, but he’s the Big Red MonChine (monster, machine, take your pick), soo, they don’t keep him in one position for long, but they adapt.  That thunder you heard was Show trying to rally the troops.  Kane manages to get some momentum back and plants his foot in Otunga’s face.  Show and McGuillicutty get back in, and Show manhandles McGuillicutty around with some big shoulders.  Mason Ryan distracts the ref, then Show gets both Otunga and McGuillicutty.  However, Punk attacks Show from behind, Kane’s an idiot and took out the ref, and Otunga and McGuillicutty win.

David Otunga and Michael McGuillicutty win via pinfall.

Later on tonight, WWE Champion John Cena will team up with Rey Mysterio against CM Punk and R-Truth, with Bret Hart as the referee.

<COMMERCIAL>

@kickoutblog Josh Mathews is starting to remind me of Vince McMahon on commentary. Perpetually excited

@ThingsColeSays DAVID OTUNGA IS A TWO-TIME CHAMPION IN WWE. #Raptured

@WWE_Creative All @DavidOtunga & @MikeNXT needed was a good kick in the head. #RAWTonight

Some creepy ass cartoon is staring at me for ‘Capitol Punishment’ which is going to be in DC, I suppose.  Either way.

<VIDEO PACKAGE: Randy Orton punts kids in the head signs autographs for kids.>

Scott Stanford is backstage and starts to ask if they were frustrated for their loss, and Show loses his shit all over Scott Stanford.  Alberto comes up, and slaps Show after calling his grandmother a spider monkey, and then Show is suddenly hit with a car.  Kane screams like a pansy, and I’m reminded of a time when Kane would have ripped out Alberto Del Rio’s eyes and eaten them.  May 19^th…

<COMMERCIAL>

@kickoutblog “Randy Orton is my son’s hero, he really inspires him to kick other children in the skull.”

@kickoutblog Ricardo Rodriguez: that moose just came out of nowhere! I didn’t… I didn’t even see him!

@FrankWWEClown Could those paramedics look any LESS concerned? #WWE #RAW

@RegalSays Mexican drivers!

@kickoutblog Ricardo will be fine, the SHOW XING sign wasn’t clearly posted.

@dasharpshooters Damn Kane didnt show this much compassion when Edge killed his father. Big Show & Kane have a serious Bromance. #wwe #raw

@redsandman99 Big Show loese his title, bitch slapped by Alberto and run over by Eddie Munster. Tonight is not his night’

@TKeep123 EMT thinking …”Lord, don’t let him fall on me!” #WWE #RAW #BWF @WWEgames #MNBW

@Whovian_23 Kane was acting like a husband holding his wife’s hand as she gives birth to their child there almost. @WWE #WWE #RAW #BWF

We come back to the paramedics still working with Show’s knee.  And they’re drawing a crowd.  DAMN ONLOOKER TRAFFIC!  Big Show swears he’s fine, and says that he’s not sitting down and stretching, tries to fight through the pain, but ain’t in good shape.

CHECK ONE TWO! AWWW YEAH!

AHHHHH IT’S JACK! Do the push-ups! YEEEEEEES!!!

Jack Swagger vs. Evan “Air”Bourne

This match just made my night (YAY SWAGGER!) and @Niki_Sushi’s (YAY EVAN!).

Swagger started to gain momentum, but Evan quickly took it back.  Jack put a foot to his face and then started dropping elbows and fists to Evan.  Jack drops Evan to the ground before going for the cover, but Evan kicks out.  Jack gets Evan in a hold.  Jack then literally lifts Evan by his arm and keeps a tight hold on him.  Evan then kicks Jack.  Jack goes to drop on Evan, but Evan rolls out of the way.  A series of really quick movements later and Evan sets up the 619 before going for a quick pin.  Jack kicks out and catches Evan in the air before setting up and hitting the Gutwrench Powerbomb.

Jack Swagger wins via pinfall.

Evan hits him with some payback in the form of a quick kick to the face!  Evan then takes off up the ramp and grins while Jack has a tantrum.

Michael Cole is backstage, and looks around.  He makes his way past the Divas, holds his hand out to Eve, and she holds her foot out, Beth Phoenix holding it up.  He then walks away.

<COMMERCIAL>

@kickoutblog Swagger vs. Bourne? Thank you!

@WWE_Creative What’s that? Did we just sneak some @findevan character development on television? What will we get away with next? #RAWTonight

@Niki_Sushi Jack: WTF JUST HIT ME?! Evan: *driving Ricardo’s car* #RAW #BWF

@HitTheRopes I wished all beautiful girls greeted me the way Eve just greeted Cole. #WWE

Cole finally makes his sorry way out to the ring, and looks pretty damn sad.  SUCKS TO BE YOU, BRO!

I just had a thought: Wouldn’t it be great if these were olden times and, upon kissing Jerry’s foot, he cut out his tongue? …. Just saying.

The Cole Mine is gone! I knew something seemed off.  Cole starts to ask for our attention, then thinks better of it.  Cole says he doesn’t deserve our attention because this isn’t about him anymore and never should have been about him.  Jerry, Cole came out to put this all behind them.  He came to apologize to King, to Josh, to Justin Roberts, to the time keeper, to every goddamn body!  For his being a bad apple.  Cole just wants to come back home (Awwwww gagbarf).  He just wants to do commentary with Jerry again, that’s all!  No more Cole Mines, no more matches between Jerry and Cole.  He is begging everyone to accept his apology.  He really, really, really means it.

King takes the mic and says actually, Michael, that all sounds really good.  He wants to thank Cole for coming out and apologizing and being professional.  He also wants to thank him for giving King a picture that will be on this year’s Christmas card: Cole kissing his foot.  King then says that he may need a lifetime supply of Altoids (They’re curiously strong).  Cole says he deserves that, then asks if he can come back.

AWESOME

Miz and Alex Riley make their way out to the ring.  Miz takes the mic and says that there’s only one reason he didn’t win the WWE Championship last night: Alex Riley.  This isn’t’ a one-time phenomenon.  At Extreme Rules: He forgot who he worked for and never showed up.  The next night, Miz had a rematch and he won it back, and then Riley exposed the WWE Championship.  And then last night, their plan was working perfectly until Riley screwed it up, the ref restarted the match, and Riley got thrown through the announce table.  Miz would like the Anonymous General Manager to give him a one-on-one shot with John Cena with Alex Riley banned at ringside.  Miz says there’s no debate: Miz was in a handicap match, not John Cena.  Miz wants him to make this match official.  Miz says that he won’t be disrespected like this.  Everybody (at least this Mizfit) knows that he should be WWE Champion right now, and Miz won’t leave this ring until the GM chimes in.

“Miz, I heard your request for another Championship match, and it is denied.  You lost last night, Miz, so as far as I’m concerned, you are done with John Cena.”

Miz gives Riley a positively murderous look and says it’s all his fault.  If it wasn’t for Riley, he would be WWE Champion right now.  Does Riley have any explanation for himself?  Riley says it wasn’t like he was the one who said I quit.

Wrong choice of words, mi amigo.

Miz asks him what he said, then shoves at Alex.  Miz then tells him to shut his mouth.  Miz gave Riley a personal services contract.  With Miz, Riley wouldn’t even be in the WWE, and he is nothing without Miz.  Riley rode his coattails all the way to the main event at Wrestlemania, and Riley has been one disappointment after another, and Miz is sick of his mind-numbing stupidity and sick of his face.  And then he fires Riley.  Miz tells Riley not to look at him like that, then shoves Riley.  Riley hits back this time, and it’s a brawl outside the ring.  Riley is beating the mess out of Miz, and shoves Miz into the barrier before taking him down. Riley then throws Miz over the announce table.  Then on top of it, then back into the ring.  Then, Riley kicks Miz in the head and exits the ring.

<COMMERCIAL>

@HitTheRopes If Miz was a black girl & Riley said that, he’d pat the hair, the fingers would b flyin, neck swiveling & we’d hear “Hell Nah” #WWE

@StrikerSays OHHHHHH ANGER MUSH! YOU SHUT YOUR MOUTH WHEN YOU’RE TALKING TO MIZ!’

@JRosz78 Well The Miz is now buried, two nights in a row made to look like a bitch, way to build new stars Vince! #RAW

@kickoutblog Whatever Riley, enjoy your moment while it lasts. You’re just another Virgil

The Bella Twins, Maryse, and Melina vs Eve Torres, Beth Phoenix, Gail Kim, and Kelly Kelly

I don’t care about this match past Maryse, Beth, and Gail.

Kelly and Bella one start off and my attention is lost.  It looks like Kelly-

YES!! KHARMA TO SAVE THIS MATCH?!

The tell-tale cackle leads into dark music as Kharma makes her way to the ring.  Beth seems to be trying to organize everyone into some kind of defense.  Beth stands at the forefront of the Divas as Kharma steps down, eyeing the Divas one by one.  Kharma climbs onto the ring apron, and then into the ring.  Kharma is now surrounded, and she drops to her knees in the center of the ring, shaking her head, shaking all over, in tears…?  She rocks back and forth, shaking her head.  She’s saying something, but it can’t be heard.  She seems to be begging…

<COMMERCIAL>

@Niki_Sushi KHARMA!!!!!!!!!!!!!! <44444444444 Oh, so happy. Beth looks ready to rumble, yo! #BWF #RAW

@FrankWWEClown Even when @Kharma cries, innocent people get hurt. Her tears are stronger than the average person. #WWE #RAW

@kickoutblog Well this took a strange turn.

@HitTheRopes Kharma is about to pick off the Divas like a lioness does an antelope. #WWE

@WWEsAngel_Nef There is rage building up inside of me about that Divas segment. Like, its rage so great I fear I might turn into The Joker. #bwf #WWE

@Saiyavenger Ok, you go from something fantastic in the Riley/Miz kickoff, to… THAT?! WHAT!? Come the fuck on… Make your free throws, Vince!

We come back to a flashback from before the commercial break.  And no explanation.  WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED?! SIJ:POJDSIFOPSIJDFLOSIDFJPSIJFP!  Then the Slam of the Week.

<SLAM OF THE WEEK: Kofi defeats Sheamus for the United States Championship.>

United States Champion Kofi Kingston vs Drew McIntyre

Mmmm…. Drew….

Oh yeah, there’s a match.  Drew starts off with the momentum in this one, knocking Kofi onto his knees, then Whipping him around the ring and missing a clothesline.  The two seem to be switching who’s going to do the stunts this week, and McIntyre head butts Kofi’s knee as Kofi goes to jump over him.  Drew focuses on the injured knee and slams it against the ring post.  He then kind of ties Kofi’s legs around the ring post, locks his knees around Kofi’s and drops, putting pressure on the injured knee.  He goes for the cover, but Kofi manages to kick out.  Drew then kicks the injured knee as Kofi stands up, sending him back down.  Kofi gets up to his feet (kind of) as Drew holds onto the injured knee and kicks Drew on the head.  He gets some momentum going and manages to deliver some hard hits to Drew before hitting the Boom Drop.  He’s slowing down, however, and tries to set up Trouble in Paradise, but his knee gives out.  Drew goes for the cover, but Kofi kicks out.  Kofi manages to get on Drew’s shoulders, and Drew plants him going for another cover.  Kofi kicks out again, however, and Drew’s frustration builds.  Drew hurls Kofi into the corner and punches Kofi repeatedly before shoving his arm into Kofi’s throat.  Kofi does some quick maneuver for the win.

Kofi Kingston wins via pinfall.

Dolph, blond once more, is watching backstage with Vickie.

Jerry says he wonders what it would be like if Obama holds a press conference about Capitol Punishment, and they have people ask questions, and throw in sound bytes from Obama.  Cool.  That is June 19^th.

Backstage, Otunga and McGuillicutty are celebrating their Tag Team victories, and Punk tells them to look at what he’s going to do.

<COMMERCIAL>

@PricelessRKO Lets go Drew #WWE #RAW #BWF

<VIDEO PACKAGE: Be a Star package.>

<VIDEO PACKAGE: Ricardo Rodriguez runs over The Big Show… because Scott Stanford told him to.>

Scott Stanford questions Alberto del Rio and says he had nothing to do with it, and it was all Ricardo’s fault.  Alberto calls Ricardo an idiot, and then says something about Bubbles the Monkey.

Coming up next, Bret Hart will guest referee John Cena and Rey Mysterio vs CM Punk and R-Truth.

<VIDEO PACKAGE: Rest in Peace, Macho Man Randy Savage.>

May you two be reunited...

<COMMERCIAL>

@HitTheRopes Tribute time. #RIPMachoMan

@FrankWWEClown Beautiful video package in honor of one of the greatest of all time. We love you, Macho Man. Keep droppin’ elbows in Heaven. RIP. #WWE

@kickoutblog Well, I held it together all weekend until that. Heartbreaking. #MachoMan

@TKeep123 Nice tribute to Macho, almost got misty here. Amazing the # of those matches I remember. I even remember the crowd shots! #WWE #RAW #BWF

WWE Champion John Cena and Rey Mysterio vs CM Punk and R-Truth with Special Guest Referee Bret “The Hitman” Hart

We start the match with Cena and Truth, with Cena dominating before throwing Truth right out of the ring.  Rey looks ready to climb in just in case Punk gets in.  What is it with Punk’s kickpads not matching his trunks?  Did someone steal the matching ones?

<COMMERCIAL>

@WWEmagazine Looks like @CMPunk just won the Macho Man trunks contest… #RAW #RandySavage

@kickoutblog Rey Rey perhaps wearing all black for Savage as well? #MachoMan

Punk’s now in and is against Cena.  Cena’s in a corner, but Cena fights free, Whipping Punk before a bulldog and Fisherman Suplex.  Punk tries to hide behind Bret, but Bret will have none of it.  Truth gets tagged in and pelvic-thrusts the crowd (the nasty), and fights off Cena.  Cena gets to his feet and gets slapped.  Truth goes for a cover, but no one wins via slapping, so Cena kicks out.  Punk gives Cena a painful looking side Russian leg sweep, and then yells at Bret, asking where he learned to count.  I swear it sounded like he asked if it was the internet.  No!  It turns out, he asked if Bret learned to count in Canada!

Punk goes for another cover on Cena, but Cena kicks out again.  Cena tries to reach Rey, but Punk throws him into the opposite corner and tags in Truth.  Truth plants his knee in Cena’s sternum, and then plants Cena on the ground.  Cena kicks out at two, and Truth gets in Bret’s face.  Bret gets back though, giving Cena a minute to get up and into a corner, where Truth hurls him across the ring.  Cena gets his feet up to get Truth in the face and Cena crawls for Rey.  Punk is tagged in and drops Cena’s spine on his knee, then mockingly starts to set up the Sharpshooter.  Cena starts to set up the STF, but Punk fights out and Cena flies into the heel corner.  Punk started to set up the Go to Sleep, but Cena counters with a DDT.  Cena tries to get to Rey and does.  Rey flies into the ring and delivers a hurricanrana to Punk before another one and a kick to the head.  Punk is covered, but Truth breaks up the pin.  Cena gets in there and starts to set up the Attitude Adjustment, but Truth attacks, only to get sent into the ropes for a 619.  Punk lifts Rey for a Go To Sleep, but Rey counters out and hits the 619, followed by Bret knocking Punk on his ass, and then locking in the Sharpshooter.  Rey drops a knee on the back of Punk’s head for the win.

Rey Mysterio and John Cena win via help and pinfall.

… What?  They did.

Bret gets his hands lifted by Rey and John in the end and the crowd’s happy.

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