Welcome to the season premiere of Monday Night RAW, the longest episodic TV show in history!… I typed that approximately four hours before RAW, so if Michael Cole says that, I may miss the first part of RAW because I’m too busy laughing at his predictability.

Anyway, courtesy of the RAW General Manager, Randy Orton will face John Cena tonight!  And don’t forget, since it’s the season premiere, it’s also the return of RAW Roulette!

Randy and John are standing and staring at each other with the wheel behind them.  Josh Matthews explains that this match can be anything.  Eve spins the wheel, and the main event match will be… a tables match.  Matthews reminds us that the last time Cena was in a Tables match, he lost to Sheamus.  Cena says it’s a new season, and the WWE Universe is divided.  And, tonight, he’s feeling lucky.

Please welcome OchoCinco, the special guest star, according to Justin Roberts!  OchoCinco welcomes us to the Season Premiere of Monday Night RAW!  He says that there’s never been a guest star as handsome as him.  Tonight will be exciting, unforgettable.  RAW Roulette is back and –


Miz says that from one Ohioan to another, Welcome to RAW, OchoCinco! The Bengals are his team, and RAW is his show.  It’s nice to have a guest star Miz can relate to: They both say what they want, when they want because they can.  Miz says they have some things in common, and then says they don’t, because Miz is a champion, and OchoCinco will never be a champion because he plays for the Bengals.  OchoCinco says he has two words for Miz: Child, please.  Obviously, Miz hasn’t been to Cincinnati in a while, because last time he checked, the Bengals won something last year.  The Reds are going to the playoffs this year.  Not just him, but Tiyo and the rest of the team are getting ready to get a SuperBowl Championship this year.  Miz says really? That’s funny, because the only thing he’s seen Tiyo and him leave before half-time.  Anyway, he continues to hate on OchoCinco for a while, and the rest of the team.

“Enough talk. It’s time to determine the Miz’s match tonight. Please spin the wheel.”

Alicia Fox spins the wheel, and it’s a submission match.

“The wheel determined what kind of non-title match The Miz will have tonight.  For Miz’s opponent, I’m going to place that decision in the hands of Chad OchoCinco.”

OchoCinco says that 85 represents the number of ways that his opponent can tap Miz out.  And, of course, it’s Daniel Bryan.


@Niki_Sushi Yay for generic rock music. Need to work on that muffin top, Daniel Bryan. You’re in PROFESSIONAL wrestling now, not the indy’s. #bwf #raw

@DCsPeoplesChamp If this Raw sucks I’m gonna riot…#BWF #WWE

@TKeep123 Miz in a submission match? Gotta be Daniel Bryon Danielson…!! #WWE #RAW #BWF

@sultrysunset ….. i want jim ross to punch michael cole on live tv. please… do it for me

@HitTheRopes Well I’m glad Miz showed up. Chad played off him much better as he was boring prior to Miz coming out. #wwe

Daniel Bryan vs. The United States Champion The Miz in a Submissions Match

Personally, I’ve been sick of Daniel Bryan for a while, but I’m putting that aside.  Alex Riley is ringside in The Miz’s new t-shirt, watching as Miz keeps the momentum early.  Miz gets Bryan’s knee around the rope and kicks him a few times, before the ref pushes him away.  Miz gets Bryan in a figure four, but Bryan reverses and Miz crawls out.  Bryan goes for the LaBell Lock, but Miz grabs the bottom rope.  Riley checks on Miz, but Miz tells him to get off of him.  Miz stays outside the ring for a while, not moving.  He takes the mic and says he thinks he has a hernia.  He says that to insure he can defend his title Sunday, he’s pulling out of the match.

Daniel Bryan wins via… forfeit/injury?

Miz says that if Bryan wants to compete tonight, he can go against Miz’s apprentice, Alex Riley.  Riley climbs in the ring in a pair of jeans, attacking him.

Daniel Bryan vs Alex Riley in a Submission Match

Riley gets some good momentum, and then tries to get Bryan in a submission, only to get locked up in the LaBell Lock.

Daniel Bryan wins via submission.

Miz climbs in the ring after and attacks Bryan.  Miz then rubs Bryan’s face in the title, calling him average and saying that he’ll never have the title.  Miz goes for the Skull Crushing Finale, but Daniel counters it into the LaBell Lock.

Jillian Hall spins the wheel, singing Right Round, with Edge, and the wheel keeps spinning.


@divadirt Jillian and Edge dueting on ‘Spin Me Right Round’ = priceless. #WWE

@JRsBBQ Miz tapping on the US Title..poetic irony. Miz’ gastro issues don’t detract from his talent. US Title match may steal PPV Sun in Chicago.

@HitTheRopes @MiketheMiz is so AWESOME he can self-diagnose himself. LOL #wwe

You think you know me…

Edge vs Evan Bourne in a Body Slam Challenge

Evan gets an early advantage, hitting Edge hard with a nice kick to the chin.  Evan manages to get Edge’s feet off the ground, but he falls over, and Edge gets him down on the ground.  Edge picks him up, and body slams him.

Edge wins via body slam.

Evan crawls to the corner, and Edge spears him.

“Congratulations on your victory, Edge. However, since you blatantly took advantage of your opponent after the match, I would like to see you compete in a second body slam challenge against this man.”

Somebody’s gonna get their ass kicked…

Edge vs Mark Henry in a Body Slam Challenge

Edge hits Mark with some physical blows, but Mark just shoves him across the ring.  Edge manages to get Henry off his feet, but falls over with Henry on top of him.  Henry scoops Edge up and slams him back down.

Mark Henry wins via body slam.

Mark climbs out of the ring and checks on Evan after the match.

Later tonight, John Cena vs Randy Orton in a tables match!


@seraphalexiel I think the wheel landed on an ‘Evan Bourne loses’ match

@ThingsColeSays I could get behind a Mark Henry/Evan Bourne tag team. #justsayin

@TKeep123 Damn, if Edge doesn’t lose a tooth from that kick, I’ll be shocked! Look for fast finish! #RAW #WWE #BWF

Ted DiBiase and Maryse vs R-Truth and Eve Torres in a Song and Dance Match

Sorry, first off, to @KeepItFiveStar that Truth is on RAW.  Each team picks a member to sing and the other will dance.  The winner is picked by audience interaction.  Truth shoots down his own theme and sings something else.  Eve dances while he does.  Maryse looks appalled and Ted just looks confused.  Jerry says to put the camera on the dancing, and I have to agree.  I have no idea what Truth is saying at all…

Ted and Maryse are up next, however.  Ted says this is stupid.  He says its Monday night RAW, not America’s Got Talent.  No one wants to hear Truth rap.  Ted says that he should just forfeit and walk out, but he’s not.  And he won’t because Maryse knows that Ted’s full of surprises.  Ted asks for a spotlight, and everyone is reminded of Batista.  Ted starts singing something with no music, and Maryse does some weird dance thing… It’s painful to watch.

R-Truth and Eve Torres win by… overwhelming response.

Maryse and Ted argue in the ring for a minute before DiBiase and Maryse attack Truth and Eve.  Ted demolishes Truth, but Eve is doing much better.  Truth, however, gets the momentum back and Eve slaps Ted before Truth hits lie detector.  Truth starts rapping again, and Eve begins to continue dancing.

The Bellas spin the wheel, standing alongside OchoCinco, and Regal gets stuck in a trading places match.  OchoCinco says that it’s like switching jerseys with the other team.  Regal is then informed that Goldust is his opponent.  Goldust graciously gives him a wig.  The Bellas start to talk, but luckily Sheamus cuts them off.

OchoCinco says he got an email from the GM.  The GM said that if Morrison can beat Sheamus next, then Morrison is in the six-pack challenge on Sunday.  Sheamus tells the Bellas to make themselves useful for once and spin the wheel.  Sheamus will face off against Morrison in a Falls Count Anywhere match.  Sheamus says that whatever-his-name-is, tonight he’s gonna show him what good reality TV is, when he wipes the floor with John Morrison is.  Kind of like the Patriots mauled the Bengals yesterday.  Because, unlike his team, Sheamus actually backs up his banter.


@TKeep123 Ocho Dingo, Fella!!! #WWE #RAW #BWF

@Niki_Sushi AHAHAHAHAHAAHA. Oh, Sheamus. All your witty one-liners are making me love you so much more. #bwf #raw

@HitTheRopes @RealKingRegal = Bloody Ratings, dammit! The man is pure comedy. @WWE can we get Regal in your next movie? Please? #wwe

@StrikerSays I’m having a mark attack for Goldust.

@CawCawBang oh god go away bellas

@RingsideRants This Ted and Maryse bit is actually making me laugh.

@dasharpshooters Wrestling where did you go and wtf happened to you? #wwe #Raw

@iPukeRKOs America we are going backwards not forward. Sad, we can understand everything Sheamus is saying but need subtitles when R-Truth speaks.

Edge is pacing backstage, and Ryder comes up and says that the GM has it out for Edge.  Edge calls him a tool again, and Ryder says that he’s not a tool, but he will drop the hammer.  Edge says that when he wins the WW Championship, they’ll both go MIA.  Sheamus asks if Edge said he was going to win his championship.  Sheamus says he wouldn’t hold his breath if he were Edge, and Ryder ruins the moment.  Both of them stare at him for a minute.  Sheamus says that he wants Edge to pay close attention to what he does to Morrison next.

Morrison is warming up backstage, and has a rather dramatic moment with the camera, before he gets to do some of his Parkour, apparently scaring the hell out of some of the guys backstage.



@HitTheRopes JoMo dropped down and faced the camera like a superhero. #wwe

@Niki_Sushi @IAmJericho needs to come back and make this RAW worth watching until the main event. #bwf #raw

@TKeep123 Yes, Zack Ryder…..you are a tool! …..I’m guessing a rubber mallet. #WWE #RAW #BWF

The WWE Rewind is of last week when John Morrison made me hate him… And kicked Jericho out of the Six Pack Challenge. Asshole.


WWE Champion Sheamus vs John Morrison in a Falls Count Anywhere Match

Sheamus gets the early advantage over Morrison, but Morrison keeps slipping out of the way.  Sheamus hurls Morrison out of the ring, getting Sheamus to follow him before attacking his knees to send him face-first into the apron.  He hits a hurricanrana through the ropes and goes for a cover outside, only for Sheamus to kick out at two.  Sheamus shoves Morrison into the barrier, and Sheamus ends up getting hurled over the barrier, taking out a security guard.  Morrison then leap-frogs over the barrier, punching Sheamus.  Morrison goes for a cover, but Sheamus kicks out at two again. Sheamus hits Morrison with the Irish Curse backbreaker before driving his head into the steel, then dropping him on it and driving his knee into Morrison’s abs.  He goes for a cover, but Morrison kicks out at two.  Sheamus goes for the Brogue kick, but takes out some equipment instead.  Morrison hits some offense back, but Sheamus takes the advantage.  Sheamus then drives Morrison’s chest into the stage, going for a cover for Morrison to kick out at two.

Sheamus kicks Morrison around a little, and goes for the High Cross.  He almost falls off, but he doesn’t.  He tries to throw Morrison off the stage, but Morrison manages to flip and land on his feet.  Morrison hits a flash kick on Sheamus and goes for the cover, but Sheamus kicks out at two.  Sheamus goes for the cover, but Morrison kicks out.  Sheamus lifts Morrison, but Morrison manages to get out of the way.  Morrison runs into a back elbow, and Sheamus grabs a chair.  Morrison jumps from the bottom part of the Tron, but misses the cover.  Jericho comes out and hits Morrison in the back with a chair.  Sheamus goes for the cover and wins.

Sheamus wins via pinfall.

Chris is sitting in the middle of the ring, and still to come: Randy and John will face off in a Tables Match.


@Niki_Sushi Thank you @IAmJericho for making this watchable. <3 . #BWF #RAW

@FrankWWEClown Wow, unbelievable by Morrison. He impresses me more and more every week. #WWE #RAW

@RingsideRants I don’t mind a Chris Jericho – John Morrison program. Could be really good stuff.

@TKeep123 Even the Titan-Tron-Bomb doesn’t stop Sheamus! Take that, Free-Runner-Fella! #WWE #RAW #BWF

Jerry tells Chris that it’s RAW Roulette night, but Chris obviously doesn’t give a flying shit what night it is.  Chris says he’s not going anywhere until he gets exactly what he wants.   He will sit in that chair in the middle of the ring all night long if he has to, until he gets the restitution that he deserves, do you understand what he’s saying to you right now?  He’s going to sit there until we get an email from the esteemed GM, an email that states the Six Pack Challenge is back on, and he has been reinstated back in the match.  Taking him out of the match was stupid, expecting Morrison to replace him was lunacy, and he wants – and will have – justice.  And if he doesn’t get what he wants, he quits.  He will go home and watch as the entire WWE burns up in flames, laughing every step of the way.  And if you don’t think he’s serious, try him.  This time, it’s for real.  So, what’s it gonna be?

Chris says alright, but he has to warn the GM: before he leaves, he will track down and find the GM, exposing his identity to the entire world.

Chris tells Cole to just read the email.  And everyone cheers.

“Jericho, I really don’t like ultimatums.  There’s no chance that’s going to work.  No chance in hell.”  Chris laughs here and asks if he’s expected to believe he’s Vince.  Chris said that if Vince had some orders to be barking, he’d be doing it man to man.  And, more importantly, Vince would realize that his most important asset needs to be in the PPV, so try again GM.

“There’s something you should know, Jericho.  I will make this six-pack challenge match again, a six-pack elimination match.  It’ll start with six men, and go down to five until there’s a winner.  I’m telling you this because I’ve decided to put you back in the six-pack challenge.  However-“

Chris cuts him off and tells Cole to give him his moment.  Chris says he’ll let the show continue, and thanks him for finally admitting that Jericho is the biggest, brightest star in the company.  Jericho then guarantees he’ll leave Night of Champions as the WWE Champion.

“Don’t ever interrupt me again.  As I was saying, I am going to put you back in the six pack challenge, provided you win your match tonight.  That match will take place right now, and since you are the best in the world at what you do, Chris, you’re going to compete in a handicapped match against the WWE Tag Team Champions, the Hart Dynasty.  Oh, Chris, one other thing: This match is going to be contested inside a steel cage.”

Chris gets out of the ring and starts yelling at Cole as the cage is lowered.


@Niki_Sushi @IAmJericho vs Michael Cole plz? #BWF #RAW

@sultrysunset SHUT UP! JUST READ IT! fuccckkkk i love you chris

@FrankWWEClown “Of course you have an email, just read it, you idiot!” –@IAmJericho #WWE #RAW

Holy shit match came back quick.

Hart Dynasty vs Chris Jericho

Handicapped match, and the Hart Dynasty is taking off bad with the momentum.  Jericho has to climb up, both of them, and Chris would have to himself.  Jericho manages to stop Tyson and pull him back in, but David Hart Smith can’t help anymore.  Tyson goes for a cover, but Jericho kicks out at two.  Jericho throws Kidd into the cage, and then smacks him a bit.  Jericho then yells, asking the Gm if that’s what he wants.  The ref opens the door, and Tyson dives for it, but Jericho pulls him back by his trunks.  Jericho then delivers a hard backbreaker to Kidd, kicking him before putting him in a headlock.  Kidd gets momentum back, hitting Jericho pretty damn hard before slamming his head into the turnbuckle.  Kidd Irish Whips Jericho across the ring, and Jericho immediately starts climbing, but Kidd pulls him back into the ring, beating his head against the cage and then throwing him down into the ring.  Kidd stands up and goes to hit Jericho, who attempts to roll him into the walks of Jericho, only for it to be countered.  Kidd goes for the sharpshooter, and Jericho reaches the bottom rope.  Chris manages to get out, and Kidd starts climbing up the cage.  Jericho realizes what he did and grabs Kidd, pulling him back into the ring, before Kidd slams Jericho’s head against the cage again.  Kidd jumps down and Jericho locks him into the Walls of Jericho.

Chris Jericho wins via submission.


@HitTheRopes Either the stipulation in that cage match was silly or DH Smith was silly for leaving Kidd in their alone…..Or both. *shrugs* #wwe


@TKeep123 Tyson Kidd…..you tapped. Turn in your little Forehead-Goatee-thingy….. You’re dead to me. #WWE #RAW #BWF

@FrankWWEClown Oh my god, I thought Tyson was about to break his own neck there. I jumped off my couch. #WWE #RAW

That one guy in the Hall of Fame is in the crowd, but no one cares.  Not even he cared. That’s sad.

William Regal vs Goldust in a Trading Places Match

Goldust is out in the ring looking like Regal, which is actually quite terrifying… And Regal… pulls off a pretty decent Goldust, though he’s pissed as it is.  Poor Regal.  When Regal takes off the robe, people cheered for him.  Poor guy looked a little scared.  Omg, and Regal does a Goldust impression… and Goldust has brass knuckles, punching him with them for the victory, that cheater.

Goldust wins via cheating-I mean pinfall.

Up next, Randy Orton takes on John Cena in a Tables match.


@FrankWWEClown My hopes and dreams have came true, @KingRegal has come out dressed as Goldust. I have been waiting many moons to see this. #WWE #RAW

@AnthonySkatz Dear @iamjericho , after tonight, if anyone ever claims you’re not one of the 5 best wrestlers ever, you have my blessing to murder them.

@TKeep123 Hmmm…a new life for William Regal as Regal-Dust! Actually looks good! #WWE


@ThingsColeSays Boy, Nexus has really been all over the show tonight.

The Undertaker vs Kane for the World Heavyweight Championship

Daniel Bryan vs The Miz for the United States Championship

The Big Show vs CM Punk

Jericho vs Cena vs Orton vs Barrett vs Edge vs Sheamus for the WWE Championship – Elimination Six-Pack

OchoCinco is apparently going to be the ring announcer.  Lovely.  He’s bad at it.

Randy Orton vs John Cena in a Tables Match

Orton and Cena pause before the match to evaluate the crowd, apparently, before locking up.  They break apart and listen to the crowd again.  They go to lock up, but Cena gets Orton in a headlock.  They lock up again, and Orton puts Cena in a headlock before taking Cena down with a big shoulder block.  Orton takes advantage, and holy shit that was a good full body shot on Orton.  Orton gets Cena in a corner and gets in a few good shots .  Orton on the apron, and Cena pushes Orton backward, but Orton avoids the table.


@ChandraLooney Ochocinco should never, EEEVVEERR be a ring announcer. He needs an RKO for that. @RandyOrton get on that please.

@Niki_Sushi @RandyOrton should be registered as a lethal weapon… a big, muscled sling-shot/pinball. #BWF #RAW


Orton and Cena are exchanging shots when we come back before Orton hits a backbreaker on Cena.  Orton keeps the momentum over Cena for now, stomping on him repeatedly.  Orton keeps hitting Cena, who’s on the apron, and nearly knocking him off the apron before Cena gets back in.  Orton is thrown around the ring by Cena now, who suplexes him into the ring floor.  Cena and Orton clothesline one another in the middle of the ring, and are both down again.  Cena lifts Orton as though he was going for the Attitude Adjustment, and then Orton counters with a DDT.  He then pulls a table into the ring, setting it up in the corner.  Orton misses a clothesline, but Cena this some flying shoulder tackles before getting ready for the Five Knuckle Shuffle.  After all these matches, you’d hope that Orton could actually see Cena by now…

Cena hits the Five Knuckle Shuffle and attempts the Attitude Adjustment, but Orton counters with a few moves and stuff happens, and I was interrupted, and Nexus attacks.  They’re all attacking Cena, and Orton RKOs Tarver, only to get attacked by Gabriel, Slater, and Barrett.  Otunga gets an Attitude Adjustment, and Slater is sent outside of the ring and through a table.  Barrett gives Cena a Wasteland, and only Gabriel and Barrett are left in the ring.  The two set up a table.  Barrett lifts Cena as Gabriel goes up to the rope.  Orton shoves him off and through a table, only to be flattened by Barrett.  Cena and Orton are in the ring, Barrett left as the only man standing.  Barrett then lifts Orton, attempting Wasteland until Orton counters and shoves him through the table outside the ring.  Orton looks around, repositioning a table before he drops onto his knees, slamming the mat.  Edge and Jericho come out to the ring and attack Orton.  Orton fights back against both of them, avoiding a Codebreaker and assisting Edge in spearing Jericho into a table set up in the corner.  Sheamus comes in to attack too, delivering a hard hit to Orton’s face before throwing Cena out of the ring too.  Cena hits an Attitude Adjustment on Sheamus before climbing back in the ring.  Orton and Cena are both moving now, and Orton is lifted up, and counters Cena’s Attitude Adjustment at the very last second to put Cena through the table instead.

Randy Orton wins via RKO through a table.

Honestly, I think that’s the first RAW in a while that has actually had an ending to the Main Event match.  Anyway, relatively decent RAW, though not exactly all that impressive.  See ya next week!

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