Ok. It’s 2AM. I just had to reset my laptop to my last backup image, which was back in March, which means I just lost a shit-ton of stuff. So, keep regular backups, kids. Fear not, because I’m still here to review RAW. I will warn you that there will be a LOT of fast forwarding through this episode. Since I won’t have a lot of time to read it on BWF Radio this Sunday, since it’s BWF’s 5th birthday and we’re hoping to have some great guests, I don’t really care if this is detailed or not. Let’s go!
I watch 30 minutes of RAW, leave for work, avoid spoilers like (and from) the plague, and then watch the entire show when I get here. That’s how ThinkSoJoE’s RAW reviews work. Also, I play by my own rules. Screw you, SmackDown review!
First 30 quick recap: Since I watched the first half hour at home, I’ll tell you the gist of what happened. It’s announced that Triple H is cleared to wrestle and gets a rematch with Curtis Axel. This brings out Stephanie McMahon who says that she’s made an executive decision that Triple H can’t wrestle tonight. The crowd boos, which draws out Vince McMahon, who tells us not to boo Stephanie, and that he agrees that Triple H shouldn’t wrestle. He also says WWE isn’t a bloodsport, which draws boos as well. The Shield come down, and after a break, we find out that Vince and Stephanie left without incident, and that we’re opening with a six man tag.
The Shield vs. Randy Orton and Team Hell No
Fuck. I actually have to tune in because this match was still going on when I left. Let’s see here, Daniel Bryan with the no lock on Ambrose, broken up by the Shield, Kane gets speared by Roman Reigns, Orton RKOs Seth Rollins, but gets shoved into Bryan by Reigns, sending Orton out of the ring and Bryan to get hit with Dean Ambrose’s finisher. Shield win. According to the replay, Bryan was all over The Shield in this one. He seems upset with himself that he took the pinfall.
Oh. You have got to be fucking kidding me. Later tonight it’s Alberto Del Rio vs. Big E Langston. Plus, a contract signing for the Jericho/Punk match at Payback.
Bryan is complaining to Orton backstage. Orton says to drop it. Bryan complains to Kane that it wasn’t a good apology. Bryan thinks it’s because Orton thinks he’s the weak link. Bryan says they don’t respect him. Kane says he’s lost touch with reality. Bryan says the reality is that he’s the weak link. He says one match could have earned him everybody’s respect, and that didn’t happen. He says he’ll find another way to do it. He’s going to have another match and beat the respect out of somebody else.
Triple H walks in the door and asks where Vince’s office is. He barges in, and says he’s wrestling tonight. Stephanie says he’s not. This goes back and forth for a while. Vince says Axel is good and for Triple H to keep his ego out of it. Triple H says he’s going out and wrestling Curtis Axel. Vince says he’s not. H-cube asks who’s going to stop him. Vince tells him not to do anything he’s going to regret and hands him some papers. No, Jack Swagger, not those kind of papers.
Holy shit, the Usos still work here? Apparently they do, and they wear face paint now. Michael Cole will explain. Next.
The Usos vs. The Prime Time Players.
FFW! Actually, I want to hear about the face paint. Except Cole is yapping about Triple H instead. Apparently they said on the app that it “gives them an edge.” Sure it does. Nothing about the Usos intimidates me. Especially not blue and yellow makeup. Now FFW. The Usos win with the Superfly Splash.
Up next, it’s Alberto Del Rio vs. Big E Langston.
Athletes from the Special Olympics are in the front row, as part of WWE’s partnership with the Special Olympics.
Ricardo Rodriguez announces the arrival of Albertooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo Del Rioooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo. Big E Langston claps his powder and we re-live SmackDown where Big E defeats Del Rio for the second time in two weeks. Del Rio has two wins over Langston over the past two weeks too. Which means this is the FIFTH TIME IN TWO WEEKS we’re seeing this match.
Alberto Del Rio (w/ Ricardo Rodriguez) vs. Big E Langston (w/ AJ Lee)
FFW! Zeb Colter is babbling about something on the app. You have the app, don’t you? Get the app. Del Rio can’t keep Langston locked in the cross armbreaker, so he hooks his leg and pins him instead. Except you can’t tell if Langston’s shoulders were down. He doesn’t seem to think so.
Sheamus is walking. He’s facing Cody Rhodes next.
Last Friday, Damien Sandow outsmarted Sheamus again. And then ate a Brogue Kick, because Sheamus is a STAR.
Sheamus vs. Cody Rhodes
FFW! Damien Sandow is on commentary, but as much as I love the guy, I’d rather not sit here until 5AM. Sheamus wins with the Brogue Kick.
Sheamus asks Sandow for a handshake. Sandow refuses so Sheamus punches him. Because he’s a STAR.
Still to come, Punk/Jericho contract signing.
Triple H is still arguing with Stephanie. He says he’s leaving, so that he doesn’t have to beat his kids’ grandfather’s ass on live TV. He says next Monday he’ll be wrestling Curtis Axel when we go on the air.
Ryback destroyed Kofi Kingston on Friday. FFW!
Daniel Bryan is storming through the backstage area, where he runs into Ryback. Ryback tells him to watch what he’s doing. He says his throwup is bigger than Bryan. Bryan says he’s not afraid of Ryback. Ryback challenges him to a match. Bryan says to underestimate him and see what happens. Ryback calls him the weak link, and says he’ll be the missing link after their match tonight.
Paul Heyman is backstage with Curtis Axel and Vince McMahon. McMahon puts over Axel, but says we’re not going to see the match with Triple H. Paul says he’ll see Vince Friday on SmackDown. Vince stops him and says that Axel will face John Cena tonight in a No DQ match.
Fandango and Summer Rae are walking backstage, they’re up NEXT!
Oh god. MizTV with Orton and Team Hell No on SmackDown. Great.
Da-da, da-da-da-da-dadadadada. Fandango! Last week, Fandango beat Barrett and Summer Rae beat Fandango, all thanks to The Miz. All of the little flare things come on this time. Last month, Fandango had a dance off with The Great Khali. Guess what match we’re getting…
Fandango (w/ Summer Rae) vs. The Great Khali (w/ Natalya & Hornswoggle)
FFW! I fast forwarded too far and was in the next match. RW! Miz tries to stop Fandango from walking out on the match, but eats a Bull Hammer from Wade Barrett. Apparently the match is over.
The Miz vs. Wade Barrett
Seen it. In fact, I seen it live two nights in a row. FFW! Fandango and Summer Rae come back to the stage and dance, distracting Barrett, who gets caught in the Miz-can’t-FIGURE-it-out-FOR-the-life-of-him and taps out.
Still to come, Daniel Bryan vs. Ryback, but up next it’s the Punk/Jericho contract signing.
Earlier tonight, blah blah blah blah blah. FFW.
Contract signing. These always end well. Jericho comes out first, representing himself. Paul Heyman comes out as the representative of CM Punk. Both have seen the contracts, all they have to do is sign. Heyman says they could’ve just signed it in the back, but he’d like to tell Jericho that when he shows up in Chicago to face CM Punk – but Jericho interrupts him. Heyman says that Jericho will be stepping in to a biased crowd that will be clearly behind Punk. Jericho suggests moving the match to SummerSlam in Los Angeles. Heyman says no. MSG? No. Here in Hartford? No. Jericho says he guesses we’ll have to have it in Chicago. Jericho knows that wherever you are, if you act like a jackass, you get treated like one. Then he ponders where to file the contract. He says he has an idea. He steps around the table and demands that Heyman stands up. Because much like Sheamus, Jericho is a STAR. He demands Paul unbutton his jacket. He knows right where the contract needs to be filed – then he stuffs it down Heyman’s pants. WTF was the point of that?
D-Bry vs. Ryback still to come, as is John Cena vs. Curtis Axel.
Wednesday, Sheamus face Antonio Cesaro. Hey JT, wanna switch shows with me?
“This is a six Diva tag team match…” Fuck you, I’m out.
The Bellas & AJ Lee vs. The Funkadactyls & Kaitlyn
No. FFW. Kaitlyn won. AJ refuses to tag in and Kaitlyn spears and pins one of the Bellas. Don’t know which. Don’t care which.
Still to come, D-Bry vs. Ryback.
Hollywood Undead did the theme song for Payback. Good for them. Daniel Bryan bumps in to Kane, who tells him he shouldn’t face Ryback tonight. Because wrestlers shouldn’t wrestle. That’s the theme of tonight’s show. Kane tells Bryan he doesn’t have anything to prove. Bryan says he’s wrong. He tells Kane to stay away from him tonight. Kane says he’s out of here and for Bryan to call him when he finds his mind.
Michael Cole talks about the Wyatt Family video from last week, and we get another one!!!!! WYATT FAMILY IS COMING!
Daniel Bryan! They always follow up the Wyatt Family videos with things I actually want to watch. Like Rhodes Scholars last week, and Daniel Bryan tonight. He’s in action NEXT!
3:30 in the morning. Not a soul in sight. The city’s looking like a ghost town on a moonless summer night. And I still have 30 minutes of RAW to get through. Fun.
Scott Steiner’s music hits. Ok, not really. It’s Ryback coming into the arena in the ambulance again. BotchedSpot has a comic about that. I’ll post it at the next ad break.
Ryback vs. Daniel Bryan
FFW because it’s late. Bryan has Ryback down and dives across the ring with the flying goat-butt, but Ryback kicks out at two. Ryback blocks a kick and reverses it into a powerbomb. He goes for another one but Bryan locks in the No Lock. Ryback manages to crawl to the ropes. He falls to the floor, and Bryan goes for the suicide dive but Ryback bats him away into the announce table. He rams Bryan into the post, spine first, a few times, then grabs a table. He sets it up in the middle of the ring, and powerbombs Bryan through it, causing a disqualification victory for Bryan.
After the match, Ryback pulls another table out from under the ring and sets it up against the guardrail on the outside. He heads back toward the ring, but Cena comes to Bryan’s rescue. Ryback hops up on the apron, but before he can get in the ring, Curtis Axel comes out for his match with Cena.
Curtis Axel (w/ Paul Heyman) vs. John Cena – No Disqualification Match
This is in progress when we come back, and Heyman trips Cena, which is legal. Cena blocks a chairshot and delivers one of his own. The match spills to the floor, where Cena tosses Axel over the announce table. The referee counts, because count-outs apparently count in no-disqualification matches. You can hit your opponent with anything you want, as long as you do it inside the ring, apparently. Cena avoids another chair shot. And another one. It’s a game of cat and mouse. Axel is the cat, and Cena is the sadistic mouse who torments him endlessly. I get up to close the window, and Axel is in control when I come back. By this point I’m thinking about food. Food starts with F. So does FFW. So that’s what I do. Cena sets up for an AA through the table Ryback set up earlier, but Heyman stops him. Ryback attacks Cena from behind and spears him through said table. Axel gets back in the ring and Cena gets counted out again. Another wacky victory by Curtis Axel!
Ryback tells Cena to get up, and then says that at Payback, Ryback Rules.
Thoughts: I hope my computer restarts after this update. The end. Actually not much to talk about here. The Triple H storyline we all knew was coming started tonight. The Wyatt Family vignette was once again the highlight of the show, and nothing really much else to talk about. BWF Anniversary celebration, this Sunday at 2PM Eastern on Ustream!
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