What will new World Heavyweight Champion Chris Jericho have to say after his big win last night? What kind of condition is the new champ in? What’s with the new alliance between the World Tag Team Champions and newcomer Manu? What about CM Punk, what’s his condition? One way to find out! Watch the damned show! Or you could just read on…
RAW results and analysis after the jump
RAW kicks off with the NEW World Heavyweight Champion, Chris Jericho! He tells us who he is, and that he’s the World Heavyweight Champion. He explains to us what happened – CM Punk got kicked out of the match, literally, by Randy Orton, and Jericho capitalized on the opportunity, after feeling the wrath of Shawn Michaels, that is. Jericho shows us his wounds from the night before. He’s got welts, scratches, and bruises all over his body. His right elbow is bandaged up. He ponders who would intentionally disfigure another man like that. Shawn Michaels would, that’s who. He’s a hypocrite, and the people loved every moment of it. What did HBK really win though? Nothing. He may have won the match, had his hand raised in victory. But the match was unsanctioned, which means, it never really happened. Shawn Michaels accomplished nothing. Jericho, on the other hand, accomplished the World Heavyweight Championship. Six months ago, Jericho said that good things happen to good people, and he is a good person. He’s an honest man who does what he says he’s going to do, and now, he’s the champion. After his brutal beating that he did not deserve, he was trying to stand up straight, and Adamle told him what happened to Punk. So Jericho took Punk’s place, won the Scramble, and he’s the new champion. Now he’s the man who beat Stone Cold Steve Austin and The Rock in one night to become the first Undisputed Champion, he’s the man who beat Kane, JBL, Rey Mysterio, and Batista to become the Champion. Now everybody is forced to recognize and respect how good Chris Jericho is. HBK told him about a month ago that he’d never be like him. He was right – Jericho is better – and he’s the new World Heavyweight Champion.
Mike Adamle appears on the stage and says congratulations. CM Punk suffered a concussion and wasn’t medically cleared to compete. Adamle had to find a championship-caliber replacement, and Jericho answered the call. The fact remains that CM Punk lost his title without having a chance to defend it. Now Punk isn’t here tonight, but next week on RAW, he’ll get a chance to regain his title. It will be CM Punk vs. Chris Jericho for the World Heavyweight Title. Jericho seems ok with that idea. So there’s no interference, it will be a steel cage match. Jericho is still smiling. He says it doesn’t bother him. He beat Punk in Chicago, and he’ll beat him next week. He’s had enough of the abuse of the people, he’s going to take his title and get out of here. Adamle says there’s more. Since the cage match is scheduled for next week, he needs a main event for tonight. So after what happened last night, the best match idea would be Chris Jericho vs. Batista. Jericho visually does not like that idea.
Up next, Beth Phoenix defends the WWE Women’s Championship against Mickie James
Back from break, Candice Michelle and her horrible, horrible theme music are on their way to the ring. She takes a seat in front of the broadcast booth as Mickie James makes her way to the ring to challenge Beth Phoenix for the Women’s Championship. Beth comes to the ring sans Santino, and we’re ready for WWE Diva action!
Beth Phoenix def. Mickie James
Candice will apparently face the winner of this match at No Mercy. So I guess it’s safe to assume that The Glamazon is taking this one. Beth starts off with aggressive offense, tossing Mickie out of the ring and throwing her shoulder-first into the ring post. She tosses Mickie back in the ring and starts working over the arm of the former Women’s Champion. Mickie tries to get in some offense, but Beth dominates for the most part. Mickie finally takes Beth down with a neckbreaker, but can’t manage to capitalize. Every time Mickie starts to build some momentum, The Glamazon slows her down. Beth hits an Alabama Slam and pins Mickie.
Candice stands up from her chair, and the two adversaries smile at each other.
Jamie Noble is backstage telling Layla that she’s his lucky charm. She was surprised that he beat Regal last week. He says if she wants a surprise, he’s got one. Hit it! Jillian starts singing “Layla,” and Noble tells her to stop and that he wants his five bucks back. He says that wasn’t the song he wanted her to sing. He starts singing a different song and Layla stops him – she tells him she’ll be out there. No foolin’? Nope, no foolin’.
WWE Rewind: Noble beats Regal to the surprise of Layla last week on RAW
Layla accompanies Jamie Noble and his Kid Rock knockoff theme music to the ring. He’s set for action against William Regal as he sets up a chair next to The King for Layla.
William Regal def. Jamie Noble
Regal kicks off the match by aggressively attacking Noble, but Noble is no slouch, he fights back and manages to get in a bit of offense. Regal takes him down with a backdrop though as Layla looks on concerned. Regal starts working over Noble, utilizing submission holds to wear down the pitbull-esque Noble. Noble won’t stay down though, he connects with a middle rope missile dropkick for two. Regal countered a Noble senton by getting he knees up, then knees Noble in the head for the victory.
Regal takes the mic, and he asks Noble what he expects? Happy endings only happen in fairy tales (editors note: and massage parlors). He puts the mic down, and goes over to where Layla is sitting, and extends his arm. She takes it, with a dumbfounded look on her face, and Regal gets not only the victory, but the girl as well. Layla stops on the stage and looks back at Noble one more time before heading backstage.
Still to come, Chris Jericho takes on Batista, and Rey Mysterio teams up with Evan Bourne to take on The Miz and John Morrison.
JBL makes his way to the ring for action. His opponent… well his opponent is in the trunk of the limo. It’s CHL – Charles Haas Layfield. He babbles all the way to the ring about Mamajuana Extreme and how he just likes to talk. A CHL chant breaks out as Charlie shows JBL the bottle of Mamajuana. JBL states the obvious – CHL is mocking him. CHL shows him the bottle of Mamajuana again. JBL asks if he thinks it’s funny. With his pedigree, his resume, he’s an over the top ridiculous caricature? CHL is a disrespectful punk. JBL deserves better. JBL says CHL will respect him, he deserves it. Charlie nods. He takes his jacket off, and we’re ready for action.
CHL def. JBL
JBL starts the match by walking out of the ring and towards the back. The referee counts, and CHL defeats JBL via countout!
After the match, Charlie celebrates like he’s just won the Super Bowl or something.
Up next, Rey Mysterio & Evan Bourne take on John Morrison and The Miz.
Backstage, JBL is not in a good mood. He runs into Batista and Kelly Kelly, who are lauging. He asks Kelly what she’s laughing at. She leaves, and Batista tells him that he’s laughing about CHL and his Mamajuana Extreme bit. JBL says it’s inappropriate, because JBL is a main eventer. And Batista should understand that. JBL says he’s got nothing in common with Charlie Haas. Batista says he’s right; Charlie won his match tonight.
Rey Mysterio is backstage with Tod Grisham. Kane indeed left him lying in a parking lot, unprovoked. But Rey’s vowed to never let what Kane did to him happen again. He needs to stand strong if he’s going to be on RAW. Rey Mysterio quiero Taco Bell. Kane claims that Mysterio is his victim? Despite what Kane says, Mysterio is standing and strong, and his spirit is still alive. He may always be an underdog, but he is nobody’s victim.
Your chick magnet, The Grand Mizard of Lust, THE Miz, is on his way to the ring for tag team action. His tag team partner is he Shaman of Sexy, The Tuesday Night Delight, John Morrison.
Back from break, the high flying Evan Bourne is on the way to the ring as Mike Adamle, Teddy Long, and Tiffany are watching the show on a standard definition TV backstage. Mysterio and his new ink that he must have gotten today are on the way to the ring, and we can start this tag match!
Evan Bourne & Rey Mysterio def. John Morrison & The Miz
Morrison and Bourne kick things off, and Bourne gets his team the early advantage, quickly tagging in Rey Mysterio. Morrison takes over though, and the former WWE Tag Team Champions cut the ring in half as Morrison tags Miz. Mysterio makes the tag though, and Bourne and Mysterio use unique offense against Miz and Morrison, until Morrison knocks Bourne off of the top rope. Miz and Morrison slow down the pace, but when Bourne creates some separation, the pace quickens and spells bad things for Miz and Morrison. They slow the pace back down, but Morrison accidentally hits his spinning kick on The Miz before falling prey to a 619 from Mysterio followed by a Shooting Star Press by Bourne for the victory! What a match!
Kane’s pyro hits, and his music hits as he appears on the titantron, he says Mysterio will be facing him next week, and he’s going to prove to Mysterio that he is a victim. He’s got a hint for Rey as to why it’s going to be special – he shows Kane his old mask.
Still to come, Chris Jericho takes on Batista, and Randy Orton is on his way to the ring, next!
WWE Slam of the Week: Orton punts Punk right out of the World Championship Scramble.
Randy Orton makes his way to the ring with his theme music, “Voices” by Rev Theory, whose phenomenal new album “Light It Up” is in stores now…
His microphone isn’t working. They turn it on and he says that there’s no worse feeling than to be on a global stage with the championship in your grasp, only to have tragedy strike and leave you unable to compete. He’s not talking about CM Punk, he’s talking about himself. He broke his collarbone, leaving him defenseless and unable to retain his title. The difference between Punk and himself, is that Orton earned his championship. He won in the main event at WrestleMania; Punk got lucky and karma finally caught up with him. He was taken out by a one armed man. Orton did what he did because he felt threatened and was concerned for his safety. Punk shouldn’t be mad, he should thank Orton – it saved him from being exposed in the Championship Scramble last night, where he would have been beaten several times in that 20 minutes. Jericho can thank Orton whenever he wants, because if it weren’t for him, he wouldn’t be in the Scramble last night and he wouldn’t be champion. When Orton’s back in the spring, he’ll have no problem beating Jericho and taking the title. When he does…
Ted DiBiase, Cody Rhodes, and Manu make their way to the ring. Cody asks Orton, who took out CM Punk? Orton needs to check his facts, because if the three of them didn’t do what they did, he would never have been able to punt Punk unconcious. They’re the ones who beat down Punk and Kofi Kingston, so Orton shouldn’t dare come out there and take credit for something he didn’t do. Manu tells Orton he’s not the only one with god given talent. He’s not the only one whose father is a Hall of amer. Manu’s father, Afa is a Hall of Famer. Orton is no better than any one of them. DiBiase says that last week, Orton slapped Cody in the face, but even he has to admit, what they did to Punk last night was impressive. Orton slaps DiBiase and backs up the ramp.
Lawler informs us that if Rhodes, DiBiase, and Manu want a fight, they’ll get one – they’ve got a match against Cryme Tyme and Kofi Kingston, next!
When we come back, Shad and JTG are making their way to the ring, followed by Kofi Kingston
Ted DiBiase, Cody Rhodes, & Manu def. Cryme Tyme & Kofi Kingston
Rhodes and JTG kick things offand it’s a back and forth affair. DiBiase and Kingston get the tags from their respective partners to more back and forth action, before Kofi gets dumped outside and taken down by Manu. Manu gets tagged in by DiBiase and starts working over Kingston before tagging DiBiase back in. The Tag Team Champions and their Samoan friend cut the ring in half and utilize quick tags, keeping a fresh man in and wearing down the Jamaican Sensation. The late, great Gorilla Monsoon would be proud. Kofi gets the tag in to Shad, who cleans house, but Manu tags himself in and plants Shad with 3/4 turn neckbreaker for the win.
Still to come, Chris Jericho takes on Batista.
WWE 24/7 Classics on Demand: November 24, 1983; NWA Starcade. A “flamboyant upstart,” Nature Boy Ric Flair, was coming for Harley Race’s NWA Championship in a steel cage. Race whipped flair around, the cage, beating him bloody, but Flair scores a move off the top rope for the victory to score his first NWA World Heavyweight Championship.
Santino Marella breaks out the Honk-A-Meter. He’s only 61 weeks away from being the greatest IC Champion of all time. He’s already 19 times better than The Mountie, who only held the title for two days. Now bring on his opponent.
Santino Marella def. Snitsky
Snitsky bounces Santino around to start the match. He starts arguing with Beth Phoenix at ringside, but catches Santino with a clothesline and continues his early domination. Santino ducks out of the way of a charging Snitsky, and rolls him up for the victory!
Santino and Beth celebrate at ringside as Santino leaves victorious!
Mike Adamle is explaining himself to Kelly Kelly. He had no choice but to take Punk out of the Scramble last night. Jericho interrupts. He competed in two matches last night, he’s not in shape to face Batista. He needs this week to rest for his cage match with Punk next week. Adamle did him a favor last night, and now, Jericho owes him a favor. He needs Jericho to pull out a main event performance, because the match is going to happen. It’s going to happen next!
Next week, Punk vs. Jericho in a cage, and Mysterio vs. Kane.
Right now, the World Heavyweight Champion is on his way to the ring, barely in any condition to wrestle, but set to take on Batista. Batista makes his way out to the ring and we’re ready for main event action!
Chris Jericho vs. Batista ended in a no contest
Batista kicks things off by ramming the beaten and bruised Chris Jericho into the turnbuckle. It’s all Batista at the beginning, literally beating Jericho from pillar to post. Jericho rolls to the outside, as Mike Adamle comes out and tells the referee to stop the match.
Adamle is learning on the job, and in his haste to make a big main event, he mis-diagnosed the condition of Chris Jericho. He needs a match that’s star-driven and competive. The next match is going to be a handicapped match to even things up a bit. It’s going to be Batista taking on Chris Jericho and his partner, John Bradshaw Layfield (not to be confused with Charles Haas Layfield). That match is next!
Chris Jericho & JBL def. Batista
JBL has Batista locked in a headlock when we come back. He whips Batista off the ropes, where he’s whacked in the back of the head by the World Heavyweight Champion, distracting him enough for JBL to beat him down some more. Jericho gets the tag and even in his beaten and battered state, he’s able to maintain the offense. He tags back in JBL, who continues to beat down The Animal. The tandem of Jericho and Layfield make use of quick tags, taking advantage of their situation. Batista starts to mount a comeback on Jericho, but he’s distracted by the presence of Lance Cade on the apron. JBL takes the opportunity to hit a Clothesline from Hell on Batista, allowing Jericho to sneak into the ring to steal a pinfall for the second night in a row.
After the match, Lance Cade holds Batista for an assault by JBL, who asks Batista who he’s laughing at now. The launch Batista off the ropes, but he hits a double shoulderblock to take down Cade and JBL. He hits JBL with a spear, followed by a spinebuster and a Batista Bomb on Cade. Jericho looks on from the top of the ramp with a smirk on his face, clutching at his World Heavyweight Championship. Jericho defends against CM Punk in a steel cage next week.
I’m still not thrilled about Punk not even being involved in the match where he lost his title. I’m sort of appeased by the fact that he’ll get his shot to earn his title back in a cage next week, though I’m certainly not expecting a title change in that one.
Jericho’s first night on the job as World Heavyweight Champion is leaps and bounds better than his term as Undisputed Champion back in 2001/2002. Hopefully he’ll get a good run, provided my prediction is accurate and he defeats Punk next week.
Charlie Haas instantly found himself a fanbase tonight. The fans in the arena were actually chanting CHL. He was so good in the role that I’m actually sitting here right now watching it again. I’m glad to see that Charlie has got a gimmick that gets him on TV every week, as silly as it is. He’s a great wrestler and deserves better than only working dark matches. I saw him a few years back, defeating Christopher Daniels and Chris Sabin in a triple threat match for the Natural Heavyweight Championship at the Ballpark Brawl at Buffalo’s Dunn Tire Park. He went on and defeated Harry “D.H.” Smith in Rochester the next night to become the first person to ever successfully defend the title.
Lastly, I can’t end this review without mentioning the awesome match put on by Miz, Morrison, Bourne, and Mysterio. It was one of the best matches I’ve seen in a while, and it left people saying “wow” and wondering, exactly how high in the air was Evan Bourne on that Shooting Star Press?
Thanks for reading, guys, and feel free to leave your thoughts on the show in the comments section. I’ll be back in the morning with an ECW review.
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