Wow, an “on DVR” review. It’s been a while since I did one of those. Normally I’d write the article while the show is on and finish it when I got to work, but I slept in last night. I didn’t wake up until 10:20PM, and by then I had to leave for work. So, for the first time in a bit, it’s the RAW ON DVR review!
Oh yeah, and it’s after the jump!
RAW actually starts with it’s opening video! When the hell is the last time that happened?
Our main event tonight is John Cena taking on Chris Jericho in a non-title match!
Here comes the moneeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeey!
Shane O’Mac is here to kick off Monday Night RAW. Last Monday, he beat up all three members of Legacy on his own. Orton’s legal team talked to Shane after RAW last week. They said that Orton wants him at No Way Out. Shane accepted. It’s official, Shane McMahon vs. Randy Orton in a No Holds Barred match. Shane’s not going to be out to pin Orton though. He’s out for payback for Daddy Mac. He’s going to turn Orton’s legal threats around on him as well, because Shane’s going to do everything he can to make sure Orton is unable to compete at WrestleMania.
I hear voices in my head…
Orton comes out to the stage here in his hometown of St. Louis. He says Shane seems pretty sure of himself, but after last week, why wouldn’t he be? He wonders if Shane asked himself how he managed to beat up all three members of Legacy by himself. The answer is simple – he didn’t. Orton made a decision and told Ted DiBiase and Cody Rhodes not to fight back. Watch the tape, Shane-O. Nobody fought back. Orton was looking at the RAW roster standing behind Shane, looking for an opportunity to impress him or Shane. If they fought back, it would have gone from 3 on 1 to 20 on 3. It was a small price to pay to get his match at No Way Out. Orton can do whatever he wants to Shane without any consequences. If Orton were Shane, he’d call the hospital and try to get a bed next to his father for when Orton is through with him at No Way Out. Orton teases coming to the ring, but turns around. He sets the microphone down, and turns back toward the ring. He walks slowly, and hesitates to get into the ring. Rhodes and DiBiase try to attack, but Shane pulls a kendo stick out of nowhere and chases off all three members of Legacy.
CM Punk and Mickie James make their way to the ring. They’re in mixed tag competition tonight. Their opponents are William Regal and Layla who are out next.
William Regal & Layla def. CM Punk & Mickie James
Rather than bore you with the details, I’ll give you highlights – mainly because I’m eating nachos and don’t want to get cheese all over my keyboard. That’s right, JT, I got nachos again. In your face! Speaking of “in your face,” that’s where William Regal drove his knee on CM Punk as Punk was trying to get back in the ring. That’s the finisher, Regal got the pin from there.
WrestleMania Moment: WrestleMania 2 was broadcast from three different sold out venues. Mr. T battled Roddy Piper in a boxing match. T won the match by disqualification when Piper bodyslammed him. The main event was Hulk Hogan vs. King Kong Bundy in the only steel cage match in ‘Mania history. Hogan picked up the victory.
Still to come, JBL’s employee appraisal of Shawn Michaels.
Ted DiBiase are out for tag team action, and they’re still sore from the kendo stick shots from Shane McMahon earlier in the night. Their opponents are this decades equivalent of “In Living Color’s” Homeboy Shopping Network, Cryme Tyme. Michael Cole tells us that the word of the week on Cryme Tyme’s “Word Up” is “legit.” This is why I don’t watch “Word Up.” Michael Cole tells me what I need to know.
Cryme Tyme def. Team Priceless by disqualification
I’m still enjoying my nachos (Nachos, nachos, yeah yeah!), so again, highlights. Shad is a freakin’ monster. He still can’t take out Team Priceless, who got disqualified for beating the holy hell out of him.
Chris Jericho has been mentioned by Mickey Rourke a whole bunch of times. Jericho told Rourke on Larry King Live that he doesn’t have respect for him. Jericho’s got something else to say – NEXT!
Backstage, Orton is talking to Legacy. We can’t hear them though. Who we can hear, is Chris Jericho, because he has a microphone, and we don’t, so we will LISTEN TO EVERY DAMNED WORD HE HAS TO SAY!
Jericho says he respects Mickey Rourke as an actor but he doesn’t respect him for talking trash and backing down. He hates the fact that his movie glorifies guys who are stuck in the minor leagues like Roddy Piper, Jimmy Snuka, and Ric Flair. Jericho has no respect for Flair because he can’t bow out gracefully. He had the most epic retirement of all time and should be living it up, but he’s not, he’s signing autographs in gymnasiums and giving interviews to low rent websites, and it’s pathetic. He’s tarnishing his legacy for one last shot at the spotlight. He wants WWE to revoke people like that’s Legend status. John Cena interrupts on the Titan Tron. He’s heard enough. Wanna banish Hall of Famers? If it weren’t for them, Jericho wouldn’t be in that ring. Everybody knows Jericho’s an idiot. He says he wants people to let go of the past, but he’s the one bragging about way back when he won the Undisputed Championship. Jericho doesn’t know when to walk away, either. He’s been fired twice and he’s still there. It makes Cena angry. They have a match later, and Cena says he’s going to shut Jericho up by knocking his teeth down his throat.
Rey Mysterio and Kofi Kingston are in tag team action against Mike Knox and Kane, NEXT!
WWE Slam of the Week: Last week on RAW, Kofi Kingston beat Kane in an Elimination Chamber qualifying match.
Mysterio and Kofi are out first for their tag team match (it’s apparently tag team night, folks!) All four guys got individual entrances – on TV! That means this will probably be a short match. Knox, we’re told, won a battle royal last night at a live event to earn a spot in the RAW Elimination Chamber at No Way Out.
Kane & Mike Knox def. Rey Mysterio & Kofi Kingston
Nachos. That means, more highlights. BURP. I think I just heard Michael Cole say that he heard that Knox’s beard is lined with souls. Knox and Kane keep Kofi in their Korner. Yay alliteration! Rey finally gets the tag and starts flying all over the place. All hell breaks loose and when the dust settles, Knox saves Kane from a 619, and Rey jumps straight into a chokeslam, and Kane picks up the pin.
Mysterio and Kofi are writhing in pain after the match.
Shane and Stephanie are walking backstage, when Shane is assaulted by Legacy. Stephanie gets knocked down in the process. Security comes to break it up, but Legacy take them out as well. Orton looks to punt Shane in the head, but stops, turns, and sees Stephanie McMahon on the ground. He goes to punt her, but Shane dives in the way to save her, getting kicked in the ribs for his troubles. Referees and officials (including Dean Malenko!) come to stop the carnage and check on Shane.
WWE Pay Per View ad airs – coincidentally, I have a series of articles on WWE Pay Per View starting tomorrow at noon!
So, for the benefit of those with short attention spaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaans: Before the break, Legacy laid out Shane McMahon.
We get a rundown of the No Way Out card. Well, what we know of it so far.
WrestleMania Moment: WrestleMania X from Madison Square Garden. Bret Hart took on Owen Hart, and Shawn Michaels wrestled Razor Ramon in a ladder match. I miss Owen Hart.
JBL was watching that on a monitor backstage. Later on, he’s going to give HBK a performance appraisal. That’s a weird way of putting it. I’ve always had performance evaluations, not appraisals.
Candice Michelle is on her way to the ring. Wait, what? Why? Oh that’s why. She’s Glamazon food. Beth brings with her Rosa Mendez and Santino Marella.
Beth Phoenix def. Candice Michelle.
Can you say “squash?” Beth destroyed Candice.
After the match, Candice was destroyed again by Rosa Mendez.
Chris Jericho is warming up backstage. He doesn’t know it yet, but WOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! The Nature Boy Ric Flair will be on RAW next Monday! WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Ding ding ding ding dahnana da na na na. MOO!
JBL makes his way to the ring as we’re reminded of JBL costing himself a spot in RAW’s Elimination Chamber by arguing with HBK last week. This week, he’s going to conduct a performance appraisal. HBK makes his way out to the ring. JBL says that a couple months ago, he offered to bail HBK out of a financial crisis that he got himself into. He fulfilled his end of the proposal. HBK agrees. JBL had one reason – to hire HBK to help him go to WrestleMania 25 as World Heavyweight Champion. Did he fulfill his end? HBK says he’s done so many things he’s not proud of. He made him the number one contender, he pulled him on top of a nearly unconcious Cena, and had him beat last week. Don’t blame HBK, blame JBL. JBL says no. The answer was no, HBK failed. Just like he failed at everything else. HBK can blame whatever he wants, but it’s all his fault. JBL can release him from his contract right now. Is that what he wants? HBK wants to kick JBL’s teeth down his throat. That must be the phrase of the night. If he does that, he loses his job and he’s bankrupt. If he does that, he causes his family to suffer. HBK wants to know what JBL wants. JBL makes him a proposal. The two of them in a match at No Way Out. If HBK wins, he’ll get all the money JBL owes him and JBL releases him from his contract – but if JBL wins, HBK’s 1 year contract becomes a lifetime contract. JBL owns him – not him, but his name. It’s all or nothing. If JBL wins, he can do a lot of stuff, like have a restaurant named after Shawn Michaels, and have him in a monkey suit dancing outside of it. JBL can make money off of Shawn Michaels’ name, something HBK could never do. He owns the name if he wins at No Way Out. HBK said he got himself into it, and he’ll get himself out. Now’s his chance. Does HBK wanna go, or does he want his children to ask him “weren’t we worth fighting for, daddy?” HBK accepts. If HBK puts his hands on JBL before No Way Out, the deal is off the table and HBK works for him forever. Does HBK understand? JBL tries to provoke him. He calls him a broken down old man while slapping him in the face and poking him in the chest. He says there’s no way HBK can beat the Wrestling God. He should’ve just got fired. HBK backs into the corner, and then walks away.
Up next, it’s Jericho vs. Cena.
Earlier tonight, Shane and Stephanie McMahon were assaulted by Legacy. Well, mostly Shane.
Kane is approached by Stephanie McMahon backstage. She asks “did you talk to him?” Kane says “he’ll be here.” Stephanie says that Kane is officially in the Elimination Chamber, and next week, Randy Orton takes on The Undertaker.
Chris Jericho makes his way out. He’s in non-title action against the World Heavyweight Champion, John Cena.
John Cena def. Chris Jericho
Cena attacks Jericho before the bell. Cena didn’t even bother to take his hat and shirt off before going after him. He should have, because when he went to take the shirt off, Jericho attacked him and went after Cena hockey fight style. Cena goes back on the attack within mere moments, taking Jericho down with a bulldog. It’s all Cena, who clotheslines Jericho to the outside. When Cena comes after him, Jericho shoves him into the announce table, and us into…
Jericho’s got Cena in a rear chinlock when we come back. Actually, it’s almost like a Crossface Chicken Wing. Cena powers out of it and goes for his finisher, but Jericho gets out and DDTs Cena for a two count. Jericho hits the springboard dropkick, sending Cena back to the floor. Cena gets back in the ring at nine, and Jericho goes right back after him. Cena moves out of the way when Jericho charges at him in the corner. He takes Jericho down with a couple shoulderblocks and a Proto-bomb. He goes for the five knuckle shuffle, but Jericho catches him and goes for the Walls of Jericho. The two men battle back and forth. Jericho hits a Lionsault, but Cena kicks out at two. Cena hits another Protobomb, and then connects with the five knuckle shuffle. He gets Jericho up, for his finisher, now known as “the Attitude Adjuster.” Jericho gets out of it, goes for a Codebreaker, Cena gets out, Jericho gets out of another Attitude Adjuster, and then locks in the Walls of Jericho! Cena rolls out of the Walls and locks in the STF, and Jericho taps!
We’re reminded that Ric Flair will be on RAW next Monday. WOOOOOOOOOOO! Also, we’re reminded that The Undertaker will be at RAW as well to take on Randy Orton.
My thoughts: I wonder if Kane mentioned that Ric Flair was going to be on RAW when he called The Undertaker. Like, “hey bro, you wanna come to RAW next week? You gotta wrestle Randy Orton, but dude, Ric freakin’ Flair is gonna be here!”
The Attitude Adjuster, huh? I thought my finisher, the Personality Splitter, had a stupid name. Ah well, I guess it’s more mature than “FU,” “STFU,” and “Five Knuckle Shuffle.”
Why is Candice Michelle still employed? The tie in with GoDaddy.com was a good reason the last few years, but she wasn’t in the ads this year.
JBL and Shawn Michaels is a great feud, but I really can’t help but feel like they jumped the gun by having a match with these kind of stipulations at No Way Out instead of waiting until WrestleMania. More on that in tomorrow’s article.
Speaking of feuds, this Orton vs. McMahon feud is working. It doesn’t just feel like a rehash of the Austin/McMahon feud, it feels fresh. Plus it gave us an excuse to see Dean Malenko on TV again!
That’s it for now. I should have an ECW review up tonight. Nachos rule!
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