RAW results 5/27/13: I still have no desk edition.By thinksojoe · · 2 Comments
I’m totally looking forward to this. I have no desk, so I’m pretty much trying to make myself a space as I go, and this show has sucked for the last three weeks. Plus I’ve already seen the first 30 minutes of this show, and it doesn’t look promising, although a text from Jorge of BWF Radio (Sundays at 2PM Eastern on Ustream) claims that I might want to order WWE Payback after I watch tonight’s show. So, let’s go.
I watch 30 minutes of RAW, leave for work, avoid spoilers like (and from) the plague, and then watch the entire show when I get here. That’s how ThinkSoJoE’s RAW reviews work. Also, I play by my own rules. Screw you, SmackDown review!
So. Since I don’t feel like watching the first 30 minutes all over again, here’s the gist of what you’ve missed. John Cena comes out and issues a challenge of his own to Ryback. He tells the Calgary audience that he wants a Three Stages of Hell match, where the first fall will be a lumberjack match, the second fall a tables match, and if necessary, the third fall will be the ambulance match Ryback challenged Cena to last week. It’s like they had a meeting and said, “an ambulance match is boring, but not boring enough. How about we add two other relatively lame stipulations and make it a three stages of hell match?!?” Ryback came out and repeated everything Cena said in his promo but didn’t answer the challenge. Then Paul Heyman came out with a challenge of his own – John Cena vs. Curtis Axel tonight on RAW.
Alberto Del Rio vs. Big E Langston
I saw this match last week. Twice. Del Rio wins. I don’t remember, nor care, how.
Alright. Now that I’m caught up with where I was when I left the house…
The Shield are defending their titles in return matches from Extreme Rules tonight. Download the app.
Daniel Bryan is still complaining about possibly being the weak link of Team Hell No. Kane says he’s not the weak link, and Bryan needs to pull himself together if they’re going to beat The Shield. They argue, and Bret Hart walks in. Bret says they’re one of the best tag teams they’ve ever seen. Tension destroys teams, and they need to pull themselves together. Bryan asks Hart if he was ever considered the weak link of the Hart Foundation. Hart tells him the exact same stuff Kane just told him. This upsets Kane, but Bryan explains that it was because it was Bret Hart, the best there is, was, and ever will be, whereas Kane is just… Kane.
Download the App. Watch Bret Hart Appreciation Night. Or you could’ve just gone to the show, G. The rest of you can move to Canada and watch it on TV. Free health care and no need to download the WWE App? Where do I sign up?
Dean Ambrose is on his way to the ring, set to defend his title – again – against Kofi Kingston. Apparenly Kofi gets a rematch for his rematch, which turned into a six man tag on Friday night. This match is next.
Last week, Curtis Axel “debuted.” This week he faces John Cena.
Dean Ambrose vs. Kofi Kingston – United States Championship match
The pace quickens to Kingston’s favor, and Ambrose steps out to slow things down and send us to a break. Ambrose has the pace slowed to a crawl when we come back. You could’ve seen how if you were watching on the app. You were watching on the app, weren’t you? Because that’s the new way to watch TV. So if you’re not watching on the app, you’re missing everything, including what’s happening on TV. Right? A series of near falls is followed up by the SOS by Kingston. You can watch Sheamus and Randall Keith Orton watching this match standing up backstage on the app right now. Don’t you want to watch people watch TV? And why aren’t Sheamus and Randy watching this on the app? Ambrose nails his forward DDT, and picks up the victory to retain the United States Championship. Reigns and Rollins join in the celebration, much like at Extreme Rules.
Team Hell No don’t waste any time in heading to the ring. Looks like this match is up RIGHT NOW! Team Hell No clear the ring, and we go to break.
The Shield (Roman Reigns & Seth Rollins) vs. Team Hell No – WWE Tag Team Championship match
Rollins is in control of Bryan when we get back as Bret Hart is trending on Twitter. Which means a lot of people must be tweeting on one device, while watching the app on another, and watching RAW on television. You great multitaskers, you! Team Hell No, despite arguing a little, take control over the match. They’re actually working as a cohesive unit, keeping Rollins stuck in their corner. At least, they did until Rollins escapes a chokeslam and manages to tag in Reigns, leading to The Shield trapping Kane in their corner. You can watch Titus O’neil and Darren Young watch this match right now if you have the WWE App. Well, not right now. Unless you have a time traveling Delorean. Do you have a time traveling Delorean? If so, you sir win at life. Bryan gets tagged in and is a house of fire, but winds up hurting himself on a superplex on Rollins, but when we come back from break, he’s in control of Roman Reigns, though not for long. Rollins locks Bryan in the surfboard, which you’ll recall is a standard move in Bryan’s playbook, which of course means he manages to counter it, but it’s all for nothing as Rollins prevents him from getting to Kane. The Shield continue the beatdown as the crowd chants “this is awesome.” They’re right, solid tag title match here. Rollins yells at Bryan that he’s the weak link as he beats him down. Rollins hits an STO on Bryan face first into the middle turnbuckle. Ouch. Team Hell No get things back in their favor, Bryan takes out Reigns, Rollins is left alone with Kane. Bryan continues to assault Reigns on the floor, much to the chagrin of Kane. Reigns spears Bryan on the outside, Rollins hits Kane with a knee to the skull, and The Shield have once again vanquished Team Hell No.
Earlier tonight, John Cena babbled on for a little while. They might as well make this a medical attention on a pole match, as boring as the three stages are.
Up next, an update on The Game.
Triple H’s effects last week was from Brock Lesnar nailing him in the face with a sledgehammer. The match last week didn’t do any further damage, but Triple H is not here tonight on doctor’s orders.
The Miz is on the way to the ring. I’m on my way to the snack machine. Screw that guy. G is seen in the audience holding up a JT that states “Why are you forcing me to watch this crap? I fired this show two weeks ago!” On the WWE App, you can vote whether Miz is the Guest Ring Announcer, Guest Commentator, or Guest Referee for the upcoming match between Fandango and Wade Barrett. The illusion of choice!
You voted (which is why they keep force feeding us this app), and 85% of you want Miz to be a guest referee. Likely because it’s the only one where he doesn’t have to talk. Barrett is out first for this non-title match. The Calgary crowd Fandangos to Fandango’s entrance, as do I, and I’m sure a convalescing Jorge is at home as well.
Fandango (w/ Summer Rae) vs. Wade Barrett – The Miz as the Special Guest Referee
Currently trending on Twitter – get this – WWE App. Yes. You people keep encouraging this crap. Even if you tweeted “shut up about the WWE App,” it caused it to trend. Can’t say I’m not guilty of that myself. But the fact of the matter is, all they see is “WWE App” trending, and they think you all love the damned thing. Barrett tosses Miz across the ring, eats a Skull Crushing Finale for his trouble, and Fandango capitalizes with a pinfall victory. Then Miz kicks Fandango in the head, knocking him and Summer Rae down, and Summer falls on top of Fandango, which Miz counts three and raises Summer’s hand.
Backstage, Shawn Michaels asks John Cena if he’s sure he wants to face Axel tonight. HBK says nobody ever listens. Cena says it reminds him of HBK.
Apps of Funk and the App Khali are in the App with the Appadactyls, getting set to face 3AppB on Monday Night App from Calgary Appberta Canada. APParently this was set up because Natalya wouldn’t let 3MB have any cake on the WWE App. That’s not a joke.
3MB vs. Tons of Funk & The Great Khali (w/ The Funkadactyls, Hornswoggle, and Natalya)
There’s almost as many people in the corner of Tons of Funk as there are in this entire match. That’s not fair to 3MB. Best part of this match is Jerry Lawler’s joke – “I used to be in a band called The Hinges. We supported The Doors.” Yes, that lame joke was the highlight of his match thusfar. Clay pins Slater, and the 8 people on the other side of this match all dance. Until Clay stops the music. He says it’s a special night. It’s Natalya’s birthday, and to lead us in singing “Happy Birthday” is The Great Khali. Oh God. Michael Cole, for the love of (insert supreme being here), please shill the App.
And of course, he does.
Paul Heyman is on his way out, he’s a guest on the Highlight Reel, next!
Chris Jericho gets a full entrance, and he welcomes Paul Heyman in his own unique way. Jericho insults Heyman but gives him credit for aligning himself with great talent. Heyman corrects him and tells him he finds and discovers great talent, including Chris Jericho. Jericho reminds Heyman he owes him money. Heyman waived his fee to be on the show to make up for it. Heyman talks up Curtis Axel, but Jericho wants to talk about his other client. Heyman starts gushing about Brock Lesnar, but Jericho wants to talk about CM Punk. Last time Punk was on RAW, he said the one thing that was bigger than the title was taking on the streak. He pushed The Undertaker to the limit… and then Punk hugged Paul Heyman and left. Paul doesn’t seem happy about this. Jericho deduces that the announcement came as a surprise to Heyman as well. Heyman dodges the question by mentioning that he is wearing his favorite suit to be on the Highlight Reel out of respect for Jericho. Paul gets flustered and defends Punk, which gets Jericho in Jim Carey mode. He then asks where CM Punk is. Paul says they will have an announcement regarding the return of the Best in the World. Jericho says Punk can’t sit at home and be referred to as the best in the world. Heyman says Punk would disagree. Jericho turns to the camera and waves to Punk at home. He asks Paul if he knows what else is in Chicago. The next WWE Pay Per View, Payback. If Punk thinks he can sit at home after losing the title, after losing to The Undertaker, and then taking his ball and going home and still call himself the best in the world, he’s out of his mind. There are just as many Jerichoholics watching tonight that would say that Chris Jericho is the best…. Paul cuts him off and asks him not to say it as #RAWIsJericho trends worldwide. Jericho says that if Punk wants to be the best in the world, he’ll face Jericho at Payback. Heyman says Jericho doesn’t get to dictate terms to Heyman and Punk. Jericho says Punk can stay at home, and Jericho can say say he is the best in the world at what he does. Heyman accepts Jericho’s challenge to a match with Punk at Payback. Jericho says that after Payback, Punk will never, ever, be the same again.
Speaking of movies, Fast 6 is number 1 at the box office. Who cares?
Natalya and Kaitlyn are in the ring. They’re facing the Bella Twins.
Kaitlyn & Natalya vs. The Bella Twins
Who cares? The fans in the arena chant “Let’s Go Kaitlyn.” I chant “This is filler.” FFW. Kaitlyn gets knocked off the apron and one of the Bellas pin Natalya. Then they sing happy birthday. At least it’s better than Khali. But not by much.
Curtis Axel is greeted by Bret Hart, who talks about his great matches with Axel’s dad. He suggests Axel get rid of Paul Heyman. Axel says Heyman is the only one who believed in him.
The snorefest continues! Randall Keith Orton is on his way to the ring. It’s him and Sheamus vs. Rhodes Scholars.
BRAY WYATT!!!! THERE’S A BRAY WYATT VIGNETTE! THERE’S HOPE FOR THIS SHOW! It’s the entire Wyatt Family! Luke Harper and Erick Rowan too. And they cut straight to Rhodes Scholars when the vignette airends. That was the best 35 seconds of RAW in a long time!
The Celtic Vipers vs. Team Rhodes Scholars
Rhodes Scholars got their entrance during the break and Sheamus got his after. When you get your tag team entrance between your opponents’ entrances, you’re probably not winning. Thinking about FFWing, but I like Rhodes Scholars. I’m torn. Meanwhile, the commentators are talking about Jerry Lawler’s heart attack the last time they were in Canada, which happened on Pat Patterson appreciation night. He says he’ll try not to ruin Bret Hart appreciation night too. FFW. White Noise on Sandow. Brogue Kick. The end. Sheamus and Orton predictably win.
Up next, it’s John Cena vs. Curtis Axel.
Friday night, Randy Orton faces Dean Ambrose. Good. Let Team Beta handle our light work.
We get the standard stuff, the app shill, the recap of what we’ve seen, and we’re told that it’s official, three stages of hell between Cena and Ryback.
Speaking of Cena, he’s out first for his match. Axel and Heyman are out next, and we’re ready for our main event!
John Cena vs. Curtis Axel (with Paul Heyman)
Tweets scroll across the screen during this match displaying that other people are almost as excited as I am that The Wyatt Family are coming to RAW. Meanwhile, Axel is in control of the WWE Champion. It’s funny. Last October when I was 6th row for SmackDown, the dark match was Michael McGillicutty vs. Johnny Curtis. Eight months later, they’re two of the more over guys in the WWE, Curtis Axel and Fandango. Axel actually dominates the majority of this match. Win or lose, credit to Cena for allowing the kid to look good. Axel hits the Perfect Plex but Cena kicks out at two. Cena starts to battle back as an ambulance speeds into the arena. Cena leaves the ring and cautiously approaches the ambulance, getting counted out in the process. Yes, Curtis Axel has defeated Triple H and John Cena in back to back weeks.
Cena opens all of the ambulance doors cautiously, but gets assaulted from behind by Ryback. Ryback tries to put Cena through the LED wall again, Cena reverses and goes for an AA, but Ryback shoves him off the stage and bails as Justin Roberts announces that Axel won the match. RAW ends with Heyman holding Axel’s hand up in victory.
Thoughts: Better. I just tweeted Jorge that I’m more inclined to order the PPV now, as he expected I would be. Punk/Jericho will be awesome if it’s not a swerve. Bray Wyatt and the family are coming to RAW. Curtis Axel is growing on me – and I already knew the guy had a ton of potential waiting to be tapped into. Despite a few craptastic RAWs, WWE seems to be trying to build new young stars, and that’s a step in the right direction. See you all Sunday at 2PM for BoredWrestlingFan Radio on Ustream!
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