RAW results 8/31/09By thinksojoe · · 1 Comment
Well, I guess it’s me reviewing the show this week, since Legend Killer refuses to watch any WWE programming. Ah well. Dusty Rhodes is hosting, Jericho is facing MVP, and The Big Show battles Mark Henry. Let’s go!
It’s time for RAW, if you weeeeel. Break out the plunder! We’re live from Detroit, and Michael Cole and Jerry Lawler announce a fatal four way for the US Championship tonigh – Kingston, vs. Miz vs. Carlito vs. Swagger. Also Mark Henry vs. The Big Show.
Lillian introduces our guest host, the American Dream, Dusty Rhodes!
Dusty says hello to Detroit, and says he’ll be working on some night moves tonight. Two years ago, Dusty was inducted into the WWE Hall of Fame, right here in Detroit. It made him think of a blue collar working city called Detroit, Michigan. He was proud of that day. He’s also proud of his son, Cody. The crowd boos, and Dusty says he knows he gets a different attitude about himself when he’s running around with Randy Orton. There’s nothing a father would not do for his son. He’s hoping that someday Cody will see the light. Maybe it’ll shine tonight. In two weeks, one of the most devastating submission matches in history, I quit, at Breaking Point. It will feature John Cena. He will challenge for the WWE Title, and the man that John Cena will challenge will be… Dusty’s son. Because tonight, it will be Cody Rhodes vs. Randy Orton for the WWE Title, and Dusty will be in Cody’s corner. Dusty says he’s tired. He’s going to lay this out there – special referee for this match will be John Cena.
I hear voices in my head…
The WWE Champion arrives. He walks down to the ring, and he says it’s obvious that Dusty Rhodes is jealous of him. He’s jealous because Cody looks up to Orton more than he’s ever looked up to Dusty. Trying to win back his son’s love by giving him a title shot is the most shameless act he’s ever seen. What makes him think that Cody will even agree to face him. Dusty says that Rhodes is hungrier than Orton, and Dusty will raise his hand tonight when he becomes the WWE Championship tonight. Orton says Dusty is setting himself up for disappointment. Orton asks why he shouldn’t kick Dusty in the skull again like he did two years ago. Cody Rhodes makes his way out. He tells Orton that Dusty happens to be his father. His legacy in this industry runs deeper than Cody’s or Randy’s. They’re associates, perhaps even friends, but this is a golden opportunity for Cody. It’s something he will not pass up. Just like Orton, he intends to become the youngest WWE Champion in history. It’s not personal, strictly business. Orton says he’s facing Dusty’s son, with Dusty in the corner and John Cena as a special guest referee. Obviously, the fix is in. Dusty says he better believe it.
Six Divas are randomly being explained the rules of a battle royal by a referee backstage. Apparently that’s next. Hooray.
Ugh. We’ve got a six Diva battle royal for the number one contendership for the WWE Divas Championship. You know what that means. Snack time!
Beth Phoenix won a Six Diva Battle Royal
I didn’t even watch the whole match and I knew that Beth Phoenix was hanging out waiting to get back into the ring to eliminate the last person. I saw her lying on the apron. It works better in the male battle royals, since the guys can duck through the ropes and hide on the outside.
That means that later tonight, it’s Mickie James defending against Beth Phoenix.
Chris Jericho makes his way to the ring.
The Vikings score a touchdown and hit the extra point, putting them up now by a score of 17-7. What? I’m supposed to be reviewing Monday Night RAW? Do I have to? Ok, fine. Whatever.
Last week, Chris Jericho got knocked out, thanks to an MVP shot with Floyd Mayweather’s brass knucks. He’s rubbing his jaw when we come back, and he’s set to take on Montel Vontavious Porter, MVP!
Chris Jericho def. MVP
You know, this should be a very entertaining match between two guys who will certainly be top guys in this company for years to come, but for some reason, I just can’t get into it. Speaking of, MVP just can’t get into the ring, as Jericho hits a springboard dropkick to send him to the outside.
It’s excellent back and forth action when we come back, and Jericho turns a Playmaker into a Codebreaker for the victory.
Dusty Rhodes is checking out the box for The Rise and Fall of WCW. DX join in. Dusty says that he’ll make sure one of them get a title shot if Cody wins tonight. DX argue for a moment. Then they tell Dusty they’re bored. Dusty says they can hang out with him and watch this here DVD. What DVD? Shawn wonders if he’s talking about the Rise and Fall of WCW, available wherever DVDs are sold. Dusty says they should buy his DVD. Triple H says that he can’t just tell them to buy the DVD, but if they happen to be at the store and want to pick up the New and Improved DX DVD, they should. Dusty says they should watch the DVD. Shawn asks if they should be watching RAW. Dusty gets the same look on his face that I probably had when I made the joke about having to watch this instead of football earlier and says “no.” Triple H says Dusty’s the host, he can just tell them what happens.
Hornswoggle is walking around backstage and somebody is listening to Lance Cade’s old music. He’s in action, NEXT!
Last week: Evan Bourne saved Hornswoggle.
This week: Dusty Rhodes has ordered a special Texas BullRope match. The first superstar to tie his opponent with the bullrope will be declared the winner.
Hornswoggle is dressed like a cowmidget, and Chavo is dressed like a cow.
Hornswoggle def. Chavo Guerrero. Again.
Hornswoggle laughs at Guerrero. The referee tells Guerrero that he’s got one more thing for him per order of Dusty Rhodes. It’s the head for the cow suit. The referee tells him to put it on or he forfeits. Jerry Lawler says that when he saw Hornswoggle, he thought he was a member of the Village Little People. Anyways, this is ridiculous. Hornswoggle rides Chavo like a cow. Chavo takes the head off and climbs to the top rope. Evan Bourne distracts him, and Hornswoggle pulls him off of the top rope. Hornswoggle puts Chavo’s cow head back on – backwards, and ties him up for the win.
Chavo knocks Bourne down and goes after Hornswoggle, who sidesteps him and bites him on his rump roast. Bourne dropkicks Chavo, and Hornswoggle climbs to the top rope, puts the cow head on, a big “moo” sound emenates from the speakers, and Hornswoggle hits the tadpole splash. Michael Cole says “what a moooooooooooove.” Fun times.
Big Show vs. Mark Henry is next.
Mark Henry def. The Big Show.
It’s Kool-Aid Man (Mark Henry in red) vs. Grape Ape (Big Show in Black and Purple). Hooray. Grape Ape rammed Kool-Aid Man’s head into the exposed turnbuckle and got himself disqualified.
After the bell, Show dropped Henry with a knockout punch.
Cody Rhodes is getting ready. Ted DiBiase asks if he’s ready. Rhodes says he’s going to make an impact. Orton asks if he’s really going through with it. Rhodes says he is. Orton says that he agrees with what Rhodes said earlier – no matter what happens, it’s nothing personal, just business.
US Title action, coming up!
Backstage, Triple H says he was never in WCW. Dusty says there was a guy in charge that they knew, named Big Sexy. DX say they wouldn’t have let Nash run things. Dusty says that WCW didn’t lose the Monday Night War, they kicked WWE’s ass from 1996 to 1998. Dusty asks when HBK was WWE Champion. HBK says from about 1996 to 1998. Triple H says that WWE made a huge comeback. Dusty says it was in 1998. Hey, when did HBK get injured? HBK says it was around 1998. HBK leaves. Hunter asks whose idea it was to dress a no talent hack like Marc Mero up like Little Richard. They must be pretty stupid. Dusty says it was him.
Kofi Kingston won a Fatal Four Way for the United States Championship
New rule. Until RAW gets better, I’m actually writing as little as possible to get the point across about this show, starting right now – though to be fair to Carlito, Jack Swagger, The Miz, and Kofi Kingston, this is a very entertaining match. In the end, The Miz hits the Skull Crushing finale on Swagger, Carlito hits the Backstabber on The Miz, and Kofi hits Trouble in Paradise on Carlito to retain the US Championship. So far the most entertaining match in months on RAW.
Mickie James def. Beth Phoenix to retain the Divas Championship
The crowd couldn’t care less about this one. Somebody could probably drop one of those DX glow sticks and you’d probably be able to hear it right about now. In the end, it was Mickie James with a DDT to retain the title. The crowd remained apathetic.
Backstage, Dusty is still trying to convince DX that WCW was pretty good. Triple H says that it’s greatest moment isn’t in there. The Shockmaster. HBK asks about the Shockmaster. Triple H tells him it’s the greatest thing ever. A big huge fat guy with a glittery storm trooper outfit, and there was a goofy voice. And then a goofy voice appears. Some pyro goes off, and The Shockmaster falls through the wall. HBK asks where the voice is coming from. HHH says it’s right over there. It’s Arn Anderson! Dusty says it should’ve worked. The Shockmaster took off his helmet, it’s Santino!
Every week here at BWF, we also have a guest host (or hostess, as the case may be). While she may not be the American Dream, this week’s guest hostess is the Empress of Impact here at BWF, Drowgoddess! Take it away, Drow!
Back from commercial break, Josh Matthews welcomes John Cena. Can we avoid another controversial decision? Cena yells a lot. He controls the fate of the WWE Championship, as special referee in the title match tonight. More yelling from Cena. A win by Cody Rhodes could destroy Legacy and cause Randy Orton’s career to crumble. Cena will not take sides, however he feels about Orton. Cena will not quit at “Breaking Point.” Still more shouting from Cena. He will not quit.
Cole and Lawler talk up the “Breaking Point” ppv in Montreal.
It’s match time! Tradition is again kicked to the curb, with WWE Champion Randy Orton entering first. With his title belt. Backstage, Dusty Rhodes pep talks Cody.
Returning from commercial break, Cody Rhodes enters, accompannied by Dusty Rhodes. Special guest referee John Cena technically gets the last entrance, and a bigger reaction than either guy actually wrestling for the show’s top title. Cena is not wearing any form of referee shirt. Cena tries to check Orton’s hands. Dusty gets the mic and says that there’s nothing that a father wouldn’t do for his son. He’s sorry, John. Orton, Cody Rhodes, and Ted DiBiase Jr. beat down Cena. The music kicks in, and DX makes the save on Cena. HHH tries to Pedigree Cody, but Dusty takes of a boot and hits him in the head. HBK gets taken down in the corner. Dusty and Cody Rhodes, Randy Orton, and Ted DiBiase Jr. stand tall over the prone forms of DX and John Cena.
Out of nowhere, Orton hits Dusty with the RKO. Cody freaks out. People cheer. Orton glares at Cody and DiBiase. The Legacy looks petulant, then chastised. We fade to black.
ThinkSoJoE’s Thoughts: Ok. I’ll admit it. I laughed my ass off at some of the DX stuff tonight. Particularly when Arn Anderson was revealed as the voice behind Santino’s Shockmaster. For the record, some of the people I talked to during the show seemed to think that the original Shockmaster, Fred Ottman, had passed on. I’m pleased to report that, to the best of my (and Wikipedia’s) knowledge, Mr. Ottman is still with us. In fact, WWE did a story on the former Tugboat just a couple of years back, which you can read here.
Kofi Kingston’s US Title defense was the best match I’ve seen on RAW in a long long time. It was a SmackDown quality match featuring RAW wrestlers. If RAW were filled with more matches like that and less talking segments, it would be a quality show. Unfortunately, we’re stuck with complete crap most of the time. I thought about skipping out on RAW next week and having an NHL 09 tournament (despite the fact that NHL 10 comes out a week later) instead, but I’m going to watch – not because of the fact that I’ve watched it every week for the last 17 years, but for the fact that Bob Barker is hosting. John Cena, come on down! You’re the next contestant on RAW is Snore!
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