RAW is in the capital city of mine and JT’s home state, Albany, NY.
We’re kicking things off with the VIP Lounge with your host MVP, and his tag team partner, The World’s Strongest Man, Mark Henry. That means, big things poppin’, little things stoppin’. Whatever that means. MVP gets ready to introduce tonight’s guest host…
WELLL… BREAK THE WALLS DOWN!
The World Tag Team Champions are here, and the VIP Lounge security doesn’t stop them. Jericho says shame on MVP for giving an introduction like that to a man like Reverent Al Sharpton. He shouldn’t call him a guest host. He should call him the greatest civil rights leader of all time. MVP and Jericho go back and forth over Sharpton’s accolades. MVP goes for the introduction again, but Jericho steals his thunder.
Reverend Al Sharpton comes to the VIP Lounge to “Living In America.” He says it’s the most elaborate introduction he’s ever gotten in his life – and the fans boo. He says it’s a tough crowd, and that tomorrow in Philadelphia, he’ll be embarking on a tour to promote education reform. MVP says we need reform on RAW in the form of the Unified Tag Team Champions. He suggests that Mark Henry and himself should face Beauty And The Beast, JeriShow, here tonight. Sharpton asks Jericho what he thinks. Jericho says he’s surrounded by hypocrites and parasites, liars and people with no morals. Jericho says they can’t have another match tonight because they’re already competing against John Cena in a gauntlet match, and they’ve already beaten MVP and Mark Henry. Jericho says the people don’t deserve to be educated, because they’re too far gone already. They shouldn’t have the right to vote and their opinions do not matter. Sharpton says everybody deserves and opportunity. He asks the fans if they want to see a championship match tonight. The fans cheer, and Sharpton says that we’re going to have a championship match, next! Jericho says it’s discrimination.
Chris Jericho & The Big Show def. MVP & Mark Henry
This must be some new record for RAW – we’ve got a match just 13 minutes into the show! I can’t honestly remember when the last time that happened was, though I’m sure there was probably one recently that I’m forgetting. In the end, despite the momentum built up by MVP, Jericho managed to hit the CodeBreaker for the victory!
Primo says that Reverend Sharpton is an inspiration to all minorities. Hornswoggle runs in, being chased by Chavo, who calms things down and introduces himself and his partner, Chris Masters. Santino comes in and calls Chavo and Masters the Geico Cavemen. He then confuses Sharpton with Don King and Issac Hayes. Sharpton tells Primo he’s not sure what he’s gotten himself into. Primo says it gets a little loco around here, and welcomes him to Monday Night RAW.
Josh Matthews is standing by with Randy Orton. Orton says that Cena doesn’t stand a chance to survive tonight, let alone compete. Then he goes on the usual spiel about having been in a Hell In A Cell match before and he says he’ll win the WWE Championship.
Alicia Fox and Rosa Mendez are walking backstage. I was hoping they were walking towards the exit, but The King says we’ve got Diva action, NEXT!
Ugh. I don’t even feel like covering the entrances for this match, let alone the match. Let’s just get this over with.
Mickie James def. Rosa Mendez
The Carolina Panthers scored a touchdown and are up 7-0 over the Cowboys during this match. Mickie won. That’s all I know.
We get a glimpse of a Hell In A Cell hanging above the ring for no apparent reason. Hey look, Legacy are here!
DiBiase says that they get it. Nobody expects them to win on Sunday. Nobody expects them to beat DX in the Cell. But you should, because of what they’ve done to them over the past few weeks. For those with short attention spans, Legacy have put together a video for you. I got a phone call and missed a bunch of what Legacy said, but HBK said they were boring. DX is up in the stands and making fun of them. Legacy get mad and DX make fun of them some more. Cody interrupts, and HBK interrupts Cody to tell him that Triple H wasn’t finished. Essentially it comes down to, “why wait ’til Sunday?” DX head down the stairs and to the ring. Legacy bail, and Triple H says there’s no hiding on Sunday and that for Legacy, it’s going to be pure Hell.
The All American American Jack Swagger has a flag on his belt. That’s because it’s the United States Championship he stole from The Miz, who stole it from Kofi Kingston last week. The three of them will be in a triple threat match at Hell In A Cell for the title. Swagger’s jobber to the stars opponent tonight is Evan Bourne.
Jack Swagger vs. Evan Bourne
Bourne looks like a dwarf next to Swagger. Swagger picks up the win in a short match.
After the match, Swagger says he’s going to be the next US Champion. The Miz thinks otherwise. He says he’s been the most impressive draft pick for RAW this year, and that he’ll be the next US Champion. Swagger and The Miz start brawling, and Kofi Kingston shows up and steals his belt back.
Santino Marella and Hornswoggle make their way out to the ring, followed by Chavo Guerrero and Chris Masters, and we’re underway.
Santino & Hornswoggle def. Chavo Guerrero & Chris Masters
Masters gets the blind tag and locks Santino in the Master Lock, passing out and losing for his team without Hornswoggle ever even getting in the ring.
After the match, Masters grabs Hornswoggle, and hooks him in the Master Lock, much to the surprise of Chavo, who decks Masters and takes off. Masters gives Chavo a “WTF” look as he leaves.
Lynyrd Skynyrd’s new album comes out tomorrow
Big Show, Chris Jericho, and Randy Orton are discussing strategy in the back.
Ben Roethlisberger is the guest host of RAW next Monday, and is bringing the entire Steelers offensive line with him, apparently. The King and Cole run down the card.
On that note, I’m going to turn things over to this week’s guest hostess for BWF’s RAW review, the Empress of iMPACT, Drowgoddess!
Reverend Al Sharpton is backstage. He still receives tremendous boos. He thanks everyone for the fun time that he has had. Jillian comes running up and interrupts him. She, fortunately, is not allowed to hang around and sing for extended lengths of time. Reverend Al dances with the Bella twins instead. We see John Cena backstage before we go to a commercial break.
When we return, John Cena enters first for the three-on-one gauntlet match. Whether Cena wins or loses, he must fight all three opponents, one at a time. Chris Jericho is up first.
John Cena vs. Chris Jericho: Cena tries to pin Jericho quickly, but Jericho squirms out repeatedly. Massive “Cena!” chants. Jericho lays into Cena with kicks to the midsection. Jericho attempts to wear down Cena with holds. Cena goes for the Attitude Adjustment, but Jericho rolls through and counters, continuing to punch Cena. In the face. Jericho is in control. Cena flattens Jericho with a shoulder tackle off the ropes. Cena takes Jericho down, and we can’t see him! Cena hits the Five Knuckle Shuffle, but Jericho fights out of the Attitude Adjustment. Walls of Jericho on Cena! Cena makes it to the bottom rope. Jericho refuses to release the hold. The referee counts to five. Jericho refuses to release the hold. Jericho is disqualified for refusing to break the hold, and Cena gets the win. Jericho only releases the hold when the Big Show reaches ringside.
Winner by DQ: John Cena
John Cena vs. the Big Show: Jericho remains at ringside to comment and encourage Show. Show pounds on Cena as we go to commercial break. When we return, Show drives Cena into the corner, and targets Cena’s lower back. Jericho shouts at Show and bangs his hand on the mat. Show catches Cena in a bear hug. Show drops Cena with a kick to the gut. Show goes for a chokeslam, but Cena counters with a DDT (By DDT, I mean a gently rolling summersault). Cena picks up Show for an Attitude Adjustment, but Jericho rushes the ring and knocks Cena down. Jericho and Show beat Cena down. Show is disqualified due to Jericho’s interference, and Cena gets a second victory.
Winner by DQ: John Cena
John Cena vs. Randy Orton: Orton enters slowly, staring unblinkingly at Cena. Cena gestures, “come get some.” No, King, Delirious doesn’t work for WWE. Cena is not Delirious. Sorry, I had to go there. 🙂 Orton slowly circles Cena, every inch the predator. They stand almost nose-to-nose. Cena raises one finger, and the Hell in a Cell cage lowers over them. Orton tries to escape, but Cena grabs him around the waist, and drags him back in as the cage lowers. Randy Orton has been outsmarted! The massive “Cena!” chants continue. Cena looks at the opened cage door. He looks at Orton. Orton must get past Cena to get out the door. They fight outside the cage door. Cena gets Orton up for an Attitude Adjustment, but Orton leaps up on the cage wall and climbs like Spiderman to the top. Cena follows. Cena and Orton square off on top of the Hell in a Cell cage. Which has lighting equipment sitting on it. For some reason. Cena hits Orton with an Attitude Adjustment on the roof of the cage. Cena stands tall over Orton, then drops down and talks trash. Cena appears to have won this match, though precisely how, is unclear.
Winner: John Cena
That’s it for RAW, everybody! Join us here at BWF for a staff round table for the Hell in a Cell pay-per-view, along with all the usual wrestling goodness!
Drowgoddess (for ThinkSoJoE)
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