Alright. This is going to be a challenge. I’m going to do my best to review RAW, keep up with the twitterverse, and watch my New York Yankees in game 5 of the World Series tonight. Thankfully, I’ve got picture in picture on both of my TVs now, so I can chill in my living room with my laptop and do it all from the comfort of my couch.
Also, I’m pissed off that Ozzy is the host this week. I get stuck with NASCAR dweebs when the Prince of f#$%^ Darkness is hosting this week? Boo! Whatever, let’s go!
Nevermind the new intro, I guess, the Prince of Darkness is here along with Mrs. Darkness. Ozzy and Sharon are in the ring, with Ozzy on a throne. They actually get a cooler intro than most of the roster. Anyways, Ozzy pumps up the crowd and welcomes them to Monday Night RAW! All aboard! Hahahaha! Sharon says that this isn’t the first time Ozzy’s been inside the WWE ring.
Recap: Ozzy at WrestleMania 2; Ozzy on SmackDown.
Sharon asks if Ozzy remembers that. He says he doesn’t. She says they hope they’ll remember tonight. They’re interrupted by the United States Champion, The Miz. Miz asks if it’s really going to be a crazy night. Sharon says it really is, little boy. Miz asks if they’re having a good time. Ozzy says “fabulous.” Miz says he’s a bigger star than all of the Osbournes combined. He says he was robbed last week in his match with Evan Bourne due to outside interference. What he wants Ozzy and Sharon to do is strike it from the record. Ozzy says “who the bloody hell are you?” The Miz introduces himself as Ozzy seems to threaten to bite his head off. Legacy come out to the ring. They talk about the car they bought for Randy Orton and how Kofi Kingston destroyed it. Rhodes says they deserve retribution. They want a handicapped match against Kofi tonight. Miz says that Ozzy and Sharon will deal with him first.
Well…. It’s the Big Show!
Big Show isn’t happy, and he’s on his way to the ring. He tells Ozzy and Sharon to not deal with these whiners. He demands an apology for what happened last week. Ozzy says he’s sorry. Show says he didn’t want an apology from Ozzy, he wanted an apology from the entire RAW roster. Otherwise they’re going to get a fist to the face. Ozzy screams “SHAROOOOOOOOOOOOOON!”
BREAK IT DOWN!
DX is here, and they’ve got microphones too. They shake hands with the guest hosts, and Triple H says that he’s here to make the save for this opening segment. He says that DX and Ozzy have something in common, because Ozzy has a new book coming out in January, and the Unauthorized History of DX is on sale now. Miz says it’s not time for a shameless plug, this is serious. Triple H says he knows it’s serious. They’re going to give everybody what they want. Miz wants his match last week stricken from the record. Ozzy says that Miz will face Evan “Brawn” here tonight with the US Title on the line. HBK says he can’t get Legacy tickets to WrestleMania, but he knows they want a handicapped match with Kofi Kingston. Sharon says tonight it will be Kofi Kingston facing Randy Orton. Triple H says they haven’t forgotten about Big Show. Show says he doesn’t want an apology, he wants a warm up for Survivor Series. HBK, HHH, and John Cena in a Triple Threat Match. Ozzy says it’s John Cena, vs. Chris Jericho vs. The Big Show. Show says that’s not what he said. Sharon says Ozzy’s got the final word, and if Show isn’t down with that, she’s got two words for you.
From Twitter: @DCsPeoplesChamp I wonder if Ozzy’s gonna drop any F-bombs tonight…that would be epic! #bwf
@cmpg Shawn, Hunter and Ozzy make a ugly totem pole #bwf
@Laura_Pablo Evan Brawn and Kobie Kingson? lmao
Last week: Miz got counted out thanks to Evan Bourne
The Miz is already in the ring, and Evan Bourne makes his way out as the challenger for The Miz’s United States Championship.
The Miz def. Evan Bourne to retain the United States Championship
Apologies for a lack of a review here, I got caught up in something else. In the end of the match, Bourne goes for the Air Bourne, but Miz moves and hits him with the Skull Crushing Finale to retain his title.
Still to come, Kofi Kingston vs. Randy Orton
From Twitter: @cmpg #Raw is like sex with your wife, when you do the same thing with the same person over and over, it gets boring. #bwf
@RealMBoyce They shouldn’t have bourne being SQUASHED by Miz. Bourne is a talented worker who doesn’t need to be a jobber.
Still to come, John Cena vs. Chris Jericho vs. The Big Show.
Josh Matthews wants to know what Sheamus is going to do to impress Ozzy Osbourne tonight. Sheamus says that Ozzy’s career should’ve been over a long time ago, and tonight he’ll end Jamie Noble’s career.
Speaking of Sheamus, he’s on his way to the ring, and Jamie Noble is already there. Guess who’s winning this one.
Sheamus def. Jamie Noble
Sheamus dominated Noble to the point of a referee stoppage.
Then he beat on him some more, including a powerbomb to the floor. Damn Sheamus, you scary! The medics come out and strap Noble to the stretcher.
@sagefreehaven I’m guessing Jamie Noble is about to be endeavored.
@IVHORSEMEN Breaking #wwe news Jamie noble jobs To my iPhone next Monday nite
@WellYoureWrong Dude either Jamie Noble is the best seller since Terry Funk or he’s really fucked up. #wwe
I don’t know what Michael Cole is talking about. I was in the same place he was last Monday Night when Kyle Busch and Joey Lagano hosted RAW, and I thought they were terrible.
Last week: Kofi Kingston destroyed Randy Orton’s race car.
Kofi’s walking in the back, and Josh Matthews stops him to ask if he’s got any regrets over what he did last week. Kofi says he’s not going to be bullied. He’s going to take a stand. He destroyed most of the car last week, but he didn’t destroy something Randy probably needs the most – the mirror. He needs to use the mirror to see exactly why he’s not the WWE Champion anymore, and Kingston doesn’t regret anything.
@AndrewJanus wait. when did Kofi break the glass ceiling? He’s in a program with Orton? HE LOST HIS ACCENT? Were not in Kansas anymore…#WWE #RAW
@xsmootx #RAW Black Kofi > Jamacian Kofi. Like he’s R-Truth only without the overblown ghettoness.
@WrestlingUpdate RAW: Wow.. Kofi just came across really well in a backstage segment.. he is really riding the wave right now.. #wwe #raw #wweraw
I hear voices in my head, they council me, they understand…
Randy Orton isn’t in a good mood. I wonder why. Kingston comes out and we’re ready for action.
Randy Orton vs. Kofi Kingston
Kingston is on a roll when Legacy come out. Ozzy and Sharon come up on the screen and say that they knew this would happen, so they’ve made this a six man tag…
MVP and Mark Henry come to the ring to team with Kofi. That match is NEXT!
@ddr21 6 man tag team match? Oh boy… the men in red! Mark Henry looks like a big ol fruit punch bowl!
MVP, Mark Henry, and Kofi Kingston def. Legacy
In a pretty good match, all hell broke loose and Cody Rhodes proved to be a moron by going for a cross body from the top rope on Mark Henry, who predictably caught him and delivered the World’s Strongest Slam for the victory.
Still to come, John Cena vs. Chris Jericho vs. The Big Show, but up next, it’s… RAW’s Got Talent?!?
@divadirt Raw’s Got Talent… This has Jillian written all over it 😉
@clawsonA hahahahahahahaahaha! poor little cody. he was always so dumb.
@WrestlingUpdate RAW: I am actually starting to buy into Kofi as a lower main eventer, two weeks ago I would have laughed at that statement #wwe #raw #bwf
Jerry Lawler is in the ring, and we’re set for Ozzy and Sharon Osbourne’s RAW’s Got Talent. They have a special third judge for the night, The Great Khali! Michael Cole calls Ranjin Singh Khali’s translator. Apparently he hasn’t been watching SmackDown. Otherwise he’d know that Singh is Khali’s brother.
Anyways. Khali says he’s got a crush on Kelly. Sharon says they’d love to have him as a son-in-law.
Contestant # 1: Here to sing “Bark At The Moon” is Santino Marella. He’s dressed as Ozzy and says he won’t sing “Bark at the Moon,” because he’s not a dog. He says they watch Ozzie and Harriet all the time in Italy. He’s going to bite the head off of a Bat.. Man. He pulls out a Batman action figure and bites it’s head off. Sharon says it’s rubbish.
Contestant #2: Chris Masters is going to do a special performance piece set to “Crazy Train.” Masters flexes his pecs to the beat of the song. Sharon says she likes it. Ozzy buzzes him and says to buy that man a bra. Khali says he found it oddly mezmerizing.
Contestant #3: Jillian Hall and Chavo are going to sing a duet. They’ll be performing “If I Close My Eyes Forever.” Jillian is worse than usual. Chavo isn’t much better. Well, actually, he is, but he still sucks. They get buzzed, and Ozzy says that he’s going to retitle the song to “Close My Ears Forever.” Jillian says it’s because Sharon has always been jealous of Lita Ford and that she’s not an Ozzy fan. She says she’ll sing a song by a real rock icon – Britney Spears. She marches to the ring singing a Britney Spears song, and gets slapped by Sharon. Chavo says Ozzy needs to control his wife. Ozzy says Chavo can try, because he can’t. Chavo gets in her face, but The Great Khali stands up and Chavo backs off. He gets decked, and Hornswoggle hits the ring dressed as Jack Osbourne. He hits the Tadpole Splash on Chavo (“Vintage Hornswoggle” according to Cole). And that ends this trainwreck of a segment.
Cole says it keeps getting better and better. I see Kelly Kelly and the Bella Twins on my screen, so I disagree. It’s a Diva’s battle royal to determine the number one contender to Melina’s Diva’s Championship.
@theprynce Vintage bad segment! Vintage Hornswaggle! Vintage Cole! Vintage wine! Vintage cheese! Vintage jeans! Vintage t-shirt! #gimmeYourVintages
@dasharpshooters Oh Shit A DIVA Battle Royal. BOTCHERY!!!!! #wwe #raw
@DanielTheViper Thank god that is over.
@TheHouseShow “Vintage Hornswaggle (with a JackSplash).” – Cole… I hope you get cancer of the larynx. #wwe #raw
Kelly Kelly, Gail Kim, The Bellas, Alicia Fox and Eve are all in the ring. I guess we’re starting now.
Alicia Fox wins a Divas Battle Royal
Hey, we’ve got an update on the condition of Jamie Noble – he’s suffered serious back and neck injuries, and we’ll have more information next week.
@x_tialicia lmao, did Alicia Fox really win? lmao oh wow, WWE has gone to shit. Gail should be champ. 🙁 #WWE
@EdwinSantos So, it is Ricky Hatton that will be hosting next week’s “WWE Raw” at Shefield, England!
@BrdWrstlngFn why isn’t Jillian on twitter? It’s #musicmonday after all…
@Rose974 Pry cause she wouldn’t want to hear about her voice from the fans.@BrdWrstlngFn #bwf
Apparently, we’re taking time out on RAW to talk about a SmackDown angle. You know, the one with Batista beating the crap out of Rey Mysterio.
Chris Jericho has entered the guest hosts’s office. He says he’s got talent. He’s the best in the world at what he does. Part of it is because of Ozzy. Ozzy was his hero growing up. He wanted to be just like Ozzy. Then he realized he didn’t need to pander to the crowd. He didn’t need any fans, because he’s better than all of them. He’s even better than Ozzy now. He leaves and Ozzy asks who that crazy guy was.
DX are arguing with Hornswoggle, telling him that they need two weeks where he doesn’t infringe on his intellectual property. John Cena comes and takes him down from the hook they had him hung on. Cena says that Hornswoggle knows more than we think. Hornswoggle gives them a crotch chop and runs away. DX says that they’ve both beaten Cena. Cena says that he beats them, they beat him, they all beat each other all the time – which prompts a disgusted look from the Bella Twins. HBK says that the odds are that DX can walk out with the title at Survivor Series. John Cena says that they won’t have two words for him after Survivor Series, he’ll have four words for them – “The Champ is Here!” HBK says he’s tired of people ripping off their material.
Alright, thanks to the Twitterverse for keeping me entertained during tonight’s RAW, but for now it’s time for me to get ready for work, so as I do each and every week, I’m turning it over to this week’s guest host, the man who shares a birthday with me next Friday, JT!
We come back from commercial with the recap of all of the RAW guys beating up on Big Show beacuse Team RAW lost.
DX are at ringside and are doing commentary so hilarity must insue.
Cena comes out first, DX complains about Cena saving Hornswoggle.
Jericho comes out next. Wrestlemania tickets go sale this Saturday.
Big Show comes out last. DX plugs their crappy merchandise.
And now we go to commercial, great. Eat at KFC, well at least that’s what the commercial says.
Back from the break with Cena dominating, Big show gains control by pulling Cena out of the ring. Apparently Show was on Smarter Than a 5th Grader. Suplex by Show, DX and Cole babble, Cena tries but can’t regain control. Double team on Cena while Show slaps him knocking Cena to the ground. Jericho taunts Cena, Jerishow continues to donimate. Irish whip from corner to corner, Cena is down. Cena regains control by getting out of Big Show’s way, the Jericho regains control, goes for the pin but it is stopped by show. Cena gets up tries to get up but is unsuccesful and he is knocked down. Show to top rope but he misses but he gets right up, but is dazzeled. Cena gains control and has the momentum, goes for the 5 knuckle shuffle, goes for the F-U but Big Show punches Cena KOing him and Jericho pins Cena for the1,2,3.
Your winner Chris Jericho!
After the match, Jericho attacks Cena putting him int the Walls Of Jericho, but DX comes in for the save but they are stopped but a head butt by Big Show and a codebreaker by Jericho. Jericho and Show stand tall as we fade to black.
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