No Way Out is finally over, and ThinkSoJoE finally has USA HD through his cable provider (and SciFi too! No more reviewing Standard Definition WWE shows!). Edge is the World Heavyweight Champion, so what does this mean for the main event situation on Monday Night RAW? Perhaps we’ll find out tonight!
Reviewing RAW; after the jump!
SmackDown’s General Manager is here, and she’s brought her husband, the World Heavyweight Champion Edge, with her! That’s right, SmackDown’s Edge is the RAW World Heavyweight Champion. That means that the R in Rated R Superstar stands for “remarkable.” The fans were calling him a loser after he lost his WWE Championship, but they were WRONG! Wrong wrong wrong wrong wrong wrong wrong wrong wrong! Edge competed in two elimination chambers in one match, that means Edge is a walking miracle. Jesus may have turned water into wine, but Edge turned the WWE title into the World Heavyweight Championship. Vickie says that for those of us who didn’t see No Way Out, Stephanie McMahon went with Shane to the hospital. When that happened, Vickie Guerrero became the highest ranking WWE official in charge, so when Kofi Kingston couldn’t compete in the Elimination Chamber, she had to make an executive decision, and replace him with somebody who was deserving, and since Edge lost his title earlier in the night, nobody was more deserving than he was. After speaking with the WWE Board of Directors, it’s official, Edge is the new World Heavyweight Champion! The fans may not like it, but every one of them will accept it. Edge and Vickie start to make out – and are interrupted by the former World Heavyweight Champion, John Cena!
Cena congratulates Edge. He did it. Nobody thought he could pull it off, but he did it. Some wrestlers would threaten to sue the company because of what happened, but the fact of the matter is that Edge got himself in the match and he won fair and square. Cena doesn’t like it, but hey, congratulations to the new World Heavyweight Champion. The R stands for “remarkable, really really lucky, right place right time,” and “rematch.” Maybe Cena didn’t hear Edge earlier, he competed in two Elimination Chamber matches last night, he’s not wrestling tonight, and maybe not for a month. If Cena wants to see him, he’ll be on SmackDown. Cena says that’s alright. He doesn’t want Edge to have any excuses. Go back to SmackDown, tell Festus and Funaki that he says hello. However, since Edge is officially World Heavyweight Champion, and Cena officially has a rematch clause? Edge reminds Cena of all the good times they’ve had together, like when Edge cashed in Money In The Bank and took the WWE Championship from him, or when he went to Cena’s house and slapped his father. Doesn’t matter, because “the champ is here.” Cena says that if Edge tries to run, Cena will catch him, if he tries to hide, he’ll find him. They’re going to fight, and Cena’s going to hurt Edge.
Shane McMahon is backstage. He says that he proposes that Randy Orton meet him in the ring, and they settle this until one of them can’t move. No rules, no ref, no Legacy, nothing, just a fight.
Cryme Tyme are in the ring for some ungodly reason. They’re soon joined by CM Punk. Their opponents are William Regal and Team Priceless.
Priceless & William Regal def. Cryme Tyme & CM Punk
Seriously? We’re wasting Punk, Regal, and Priceless in a six man tag team match with Cryme Tyme involved? What did those four do to deserve that? Also, aren’t Priceless supposed to be elitists who will only team up with you if you’re at least a second generation wrestler? Ah, more questions. Gotta love it. Anyways, things get kind of chaotic, and when the dust clears it’s Ted DiBiase with the DreamSweeper on JTG for the victory.
Stephanie asks Shane if he’s crazy. The doctors didn’t even want to let Shane fly, let alone wrestle. She wants him to wait a week – but Shane won’t be stopped. The fight happens tonight whether Orton wants to or not.
Later tonight, Melina defends the Women’s Championship against Beth Phoenix, but right now, please welcome Chris Jericho! He doesn’t want the Academy to give the Oscar to Mickey Rourke, because it could send a message to the has been losers to try for one last run. Jericho knows why we cheer for the legends – it’s because they’re like us. Weak, shallow, insecure human beings, hypocrites and liars who need to be shut up and shut down for their own good. Jericho’s just telling the truth, and the truth hurts…
Jericho is interrupted by… “ROWDY” RODDY PIPER! Piper says he’s going to give Jericho the truth. Piper used to like Jericho, since he said what was on his mind, then had the guts to get in the ring and back it up. Now he gets on television and runs his mouth. He calls out Piper, he calls out Flair, calls out the other legends. He used to be entertaining. What happened? He’s talking about what the legends should be doing – Piper wants to borrow a line from Jericho – “Please, shut the hell up.” Jericho starts to talk, but Piper tells him he’s not finished yet. The Wrestler is not about old timers who want another run. It’s about the honor and respect they have for everybody. The movie is about the pain, physically and emotionally, and most of all, most important, why they do what they do? For the thrill of performing. Flair was right. They live for this. People come to him and tell him they remember when he slapped Mr. T, or that when their granddad was alive, they watched him shave Adrian Adonis’ head. Jericho wants to bury these moments – no, these are to be celebrated. Last year, Piper was in the Royal Rumble, and when he came to the ring, 24,000 people sprung to their feet just for a second, and Piper felt like he was back in the first WrestleMania. It was the thrill of a lifetime. Piper’s got one hip, and he hurts all the time, but as long as the fans say so, Piper will crawl down on his hands and knees to give them one more memorable moment, because old school is cool. He reaches his hand out, but Jericho doesn’t accept. Instead, he kicks Piper in the shin and boots him in the midsection when he goes down. He wants respect? Crawl! Jericho boots him again for good measure before leaving.
Todd Grisham is backstage with Randy Orton. Yay, more talking. Randy’s got no problem fighting Shane McMahon. He’s got a problem with the implication that he needs Legacy. If Shane wants this fight to be over when someone isn’t moving, Orton can make that happen.
WRESTLEMANIA MOMENT: WrestleCrap inductee WrestleMania IX, the World’s Biggest Toga Party, and the first outdoor WrestleMania saw Hulk Hogan win the WWF Championship after Yokozuna stole it from Bret Hart.
Jamie Noble wants in at WrestleMania. He’s sure he could last longer than Chavo Guerrero did last year. Chavo’s opponent from last year comes to the ring…
Kane def. Jamie Noble
…and beats Noble in 16 seconds – nearly double Chavo’s match with Kane.
JBL has a paid announcement coming up after the break!
JBL makes his way out to the ring. He says that as of last night, Shawn Michaels is no longer his employee. His people wrote Shawn a very large check, he’s now paid in full. He’s now financially stable, and JBL could care less. While we may call Shawn rich now, we may call JBL wealthy. He’s got more money than any of us will ever have. He thought it was destiny for him to win the World Heavyweight Championship at WrestleMania, but he had an epiphany. He’s going to something nobody has ever done. He’s going to end “the streak.” JBL’s destiny is to go to WrestleMania and end the streak, proving he’s the greatest wrestler of all ti…
Oh, oh Shawn!
Shawn Michaels interrupts his former employer, smiling and dancing on the way to the ring. Last night, he had an epiphany too. He’s no longer “Shawn Michaels, employee of the month.” Nope, we’re looking at the Heart Break Kid Shawn Michaels, the Showstopper, the Main Event, Mr. WrestleMania. He’s got his life back. A month ago, a man told him it’s hell getting to heaven. That man was the Undertaker, and he’s right. With WrestleMania on the horizon, HBK is in heaven on earth. Who better to face The Undertaker, than the man who revolutionized the ladder match at WrestleMania, the man who had the 2008 Match of the Year at WrestleMania with Ric Flair, Shawn Michaels! JBL says that beating The Undertaker at WrestleMania is his destiny, not HBK’s. Michaels reminds JBL that he can’t tell him what to do anymore. Instead, how about next week, HBK vs. JBL, winner faces The Undertaker at WrestleMania. JBL accepts. HBK says that when it’s over, it’ll be him taking on The Undertaker at WrestleMania, and JBL will be lucky if he even makes it to WrestleMania.
Video package: Randy Orton’s assault on Mr. McMahon and his subsequent feud with the McYoungins.
Rey Mysterio is wearing some tighter pants than normal – and a full mask for once. Guess who his opponent is. You guys have been reading BWF’s RAW reviews the last couple months or so, this should be easy. Did you say Mike Knox? Congratulations, you’re absolutely correct!
Rey Mysterio def. Mike Knox
Six man tags and rematches. Yup, must be Monday. I get the point of Knox beating up on a fan favorite, but does it always have to be the same fan favorite? Before this, Mysterio feuded with Kane for what felt like an eternity, and it didn’t really get Kane anywhere (or Mysterio for that matter). I like Knox, I like Mysterio, but seeing the same damned match every week is getting boring. At least this week I got to watch it in HD, finally. This time around, Mysterio ducked out of the way of a charging Knox and rolled him up for the pinfall.
Santino, sans unibrow and sporting a new haircut and earrings, Beth Phoenix, and Rosa Mendez are walking backstage. Beth tells them that tonight she needs to win back the Women’s Championship.
Melina makes her way out with the WWE Women’s Championship, as she’s set to defend it. Beth comes out with Rosa Mendez and Santino Marella, but Lillian only announces Beth.
Melina def. Beth Phoenix to retain the WWE Women’s Championship.
Here we go again. Another rematch. The highlight was a Jerry Lawler joke: “I finally figured out what women want in a relationship. Security. Everytime I walk up to a Diva backstage, that’s what they yell.” Santino and Rosa went after Melina on the outside, but Kelly Kelly, Mickie James, and Candice Michelle came out and started beating the crap out of both of them. In the confusion, Melina gets the rollup and the pin!
We already know Steve Austin is in the Hall of Fame, but it’s time to announce the next inductees: Terry Funk and Dory Funk Jr., being inducted by the American Dream Dusty Rhodes.
Thank you, Saliva, for your song “Hunt You Down,” the official theme from No Way Out. At least you’re not Kevin Rudolph.
So, for the benefit of those with short attention spaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaans: Appropriately for a segment of the review with “for the benefit of those with…” in the title, this replay is of Edge showing up on RAW and being challenged to a rematch by John Cena.
Backstage: Stephanie is on the phone, urging somebody to hurry up and get to the arena before Orton kills Shane dead.
Next week: JBL vs. HBK for the right to be number 17 for The Undertaker’s ‘Mania streak.
HERE COMES THE MONEY!
Why do these guys get entrances for just a plain old fight? And why didn’t they just fight backstage? It’s like a grade school fight, except instead of a flagpole, they’re meeting at the ring. At least they called it a fight – these two brawled all over the arena, with Shane getting a lot of the offense in. We got a unique camera shot in this match too – you could see the in-arena production booth, which is never really seen on TV. By the time they get back to the ring, Orton is in firm control, just pounding away at Shane. Orton allows Shane a moment to breathe, and Shane shoves him over the announce booth, then goes on the attack as some guy in the crowd keeps yelling “whoop ’em, Shane!” Orton takes a shot with the ring bell, then Shane drags him to the ring and rolls him into it. Shane props Orton up in the corner and gives him another shot with the bell for good measure. Shane wedges a chair into the ring ropes, and goes up for the Coast to Coast, but Legacy come out and lay a beatdown on him. Rhodes hits the CrossRhodes (which is a reverse swinging neckbreaker, not a reverse DDT as I said last week), and Orton backs Priceless away. He backs into a corner, and gives Shane The Randy Orton Magic Mega Kick of Final Ultimate Death!!! (Thanks again for coining that term, G-Bag!). As Shane lie unconscious, Stephanie runs down to check on little brother. The trainer comes down as well and calls for the paramedics. Orton looks on intently, drawing ever closer to the carnage. Stephanie stands up and starts trying to reason with Orton, who drops her with an RKO, apparently because of his IED. Triple H runs down to the ring and chases off Legacy, then checks on Stephanie as the EMTs attend to Orton. The WWE Champion looks violently up the ramp at Orton, who looks purely terrified at first, with the look changing to one of “what have I gotten myself into?” The Game is fuming as RAW goes off the air.
My Thoughts: I’m tired of rematches. Also, there’s no reason the ending of tonight’s RAW couldn’t happen at No Way Out. Speaking of, John Cena is supposed to get a rematch with Edge for the World Heavyweight Championship. That means that even if Orton wanted to face Edge for the World Championship instead of Triple H for the WWE Championship, he couldn’t really, because Cena’s got a rematch clause. While we’re on this line of thought, shouldn’t Edge have a rematch clause? Why couldn’t he challenge Triple H to a match for the WWE Championship? He wouldn’t have to win, it wouldn’t change anything, but it would take care of that pesky little glitch in continuity. Whatever, I’m overthinking it.
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