Finally – ThinkSoJoE… HAS COME BACK! to reviewing shows. I’ve been trying to get motivated to write about the programming lately, but I’ve been sleeping through most of it. RAW’s been boring, ECW’s been entertaining but I haven’t really been paying a lot of attention to it, and SmackDown hasn’t been bad – but I’m usually sleeping when it’s on. That’s the problem with working overnights, I guess. Anyway, Kofi Kingston will be taking on MVP for the United States Championship tonight, so without further adieu, let’s get started…
Legacy are inside a steel cage as the show kicks off. Orton says that at eXtreme Rules, he’ll defend his title in a steel cage against Batista. Do we think he should be worried (yes, Randy, you should be – Batista is good at injuring people). Orton says Batista is the one who should be worried, because he’s the one who made sure he didn’t make it to WrestleMania. There are no rules in a steel cage, so Orton can do whatever he wants to do. Oh, and Vickie Guerrero made a match – Batista in a steel cage. Heads, he’ll be facing Cody Rhodes. Tails, he’ll be facing Ted DiBiase. Orton flips the coin, it lands on heads. Orton congratulates Cody Rhodes, telling him he knows what to do. Cody says he knows exactly what to do. Cage matches are in his blood. He’s got no problem giving Batista a preview of what Orton will do this Sunday. Speaking of this Sunday, Orton is going to give us an image that we need to be accustomed to. He hops down out of the door of the cage and tells us that image is him walking out of the cage door, still WWE Champion.
Ric Flair is in the house, stylin’ and profilin’! Orton says he assumes Flair is going to tell him what Batista is going to do on Sunday. Flair corrects him – he’s here to tell him what he’ll do to him tonight. Orton reminds him he’s retired. Flair says it doesn’t matter, he’s going to call out Orton every week until he grows a set and faces him, and calls him a punk. Orton asks Flair what he doesn’t understand about being retired. Flair says he’s not challenging him to a match, he’s challenging him to a fight in the parking lot. Flair asks him again if he’s going to grow a set, and continues to call him a punk. Orton accepts, and tells Flair it’s a night he’ll never forget, because he won’t be able to remember.
Cody Rhodes is all alone in the cage when we come back. Batista’s music hits, and The Animal joins Rhodes in the cage.
Batista def. Cody Rhodes in a steel cage match
Rhodes backs up to the door early, but realizes it’s locked. He keeps going for early escapes – I would too, given Batista’s propensity for injuring people. Batista catches him, and takes complete control of the match. Orton walks down to ringside, and watches on as Batista hits a spinebuster on Rhodes. As Batista stares down Orton, Rhodes tries to escape, but he gets caught and dropped with a Batista Bomb. Batista makes the cover and picks up the victory.
Vickie tells The Big Show it’s going to be great – John Cena and a random partner vs. Show and The Miz. Show is upset because he doesn’t like The Miz. Chavo tries to calm him down, telling him that Cena probably won’t get along with his partner either. Show wants to know who it is. Vickie tells Show that all of the names of the RAW Superstars are in a bag. He can do the honors of picking Cena’s partner. He looks unamused as he picks out the name – Chavo Guerrero.
Holla, holla, holla, holla
Kelly Kelly’s theme song starts with Teddy Long’s favorite word, and she’s on her way to the ring. Mickie James is out next, and we’re apparently set for tag team action. Their opponents, first from my hometown of Buffalo, NY, is Beth Phoenix. Her partner is the WWE Diva’s Champion, Maryse.
Beth Phoenix & Maryse def. Kelly Kelly & Mickie James
Say what you will about Kelly Kelly – and it’s no secret that I’m one of her biggest critics sometimes – but she’s been improving in the ring. That said, the end of the match came when Kelly allowed herself to be distracted by Beth Phoenix and Rosa Mendez on the outside, giving Maryse the opportunity to drop Kelly with her finisher for the victory.
Still to come, John Cena teams with Chavo Guerrero to take on The Big Show and The Miz.
WWE REWIND: Cryme Time interrupted the World’s Greatest Tag Team’s shot at Primo and Carlito’s Unified Tag Team Championships on Superstars last Thursday.
I spit in the face of people who don’t want to be cool
Speaking of Carlito and Primo, the unified tag team champions are here on RAW. William Regal is out next, followed by his tag team partner, Matt Hardy.
Carlito & Primo def. Matt Hardy & William Regal
It’s tag team match night here on RAW. Unfortunately, it’s pretty random tag teams competing, other than – of course – the Tag Team Champions. In the end, a miscommunication led to Matt Hardy cracking William Regal in the head with the cast instead of Carlito, leading to a backstabber and a victory for the Colons.
Still to come, MVP defends his United States Championship against Kofi Kingston, and John Cena teams with Chavo Guerrero against The Big Show and The Miz.
Ric Flair is waiting patiently in the parking lot for Randy Orton, but Batista shows up instead. Flair tells him not to say a word. Batista tells him he’s got nothing to prove. Flair says he’s got a lot to prove. He misses wrestling so much. You know how many nights he goes to bed, and in the morning he wakes up wanting to get in the ring again? Flair tells Batista not to worry about him being beat up. He promises Batista he’ll beat Orton up. He says he needs Batista to not be his hero, not to be his running mate, but just to be his friend and believe in The Nature Boy. Batista says he always will believe in him. The two hug, and Batista leaves Flair to fight on his own.
Matt Hardy and William Regal want another chance. Vickie says she doesn’t owe them for life. They said they have a plan. Tonight, she’ll face Santino Marella. Matt Whispers his plan in her ear, and she laughs and snorts with glee. Literally.
Backstage, John Cena runs into Chavo Guerrero, who says he’s got Cena’s back. Cena shrugs him off as Chavo guarantees a win.
The Miz makes his way out to the ring. He says it’s a golden age in the WWE because he’s 6 and 0 against John Cena. Cena’s captured the hearts of millions of 9 year old kids. But he’ll never recapture his self respect. The kids love him as much as they love The Jonas Brothers and Spongebob. Congrats, Cena, you’re in the same category as Hannah Montana. Miz tells everybody to look to the left, then look to the right. He then directs them to look in the ring, because that’s what a winner looks like. Tonight he plans on becoming 7 and 0, because he’s The Miz, and he’s AWESOME!
Big Show makes his way out to join The Miz in the ring. We see a recap of last week’s main event (with Mr. Kennedy in the background, no less!). Chavo is out first for his team, followed by John Cena. The camera cuts to some fugly women in the front row screaming for Cena. Chavo steps to the apron, reassuring Cena that he’s trustworthy. Big Show tells Miz to get on the ring apron and stay out of his way. Miz obliges.
John Cena & Chavo Guerrero def. Big Show & The Miz
Show showcases his power early on with Cena. Chavo is apparently planning on wrestling in his t-shirt – probably since he’s the only one who actually owns a Chavo Guerrero t-shirt. Cena goes for an STF, but Show seems to be too big for Cena to slap the hold on. Miz takes a cheap shot on Cena on the outside, which angers The Big Show, who tells Miz not to touch Cena. Show continues his domination when Cena rolls back in, until The Miz tags himself in. Show is not amused, but the Miz picks up where Show left off. Cena mounts a comeback and goes for the Attitude Adjuster, but Big Show tags himself in, and chokeslams Cena. The referee apparently missed the tag, so Show drags The Miz to their corner. Miz refuses the tag, saying he’s got this. Show hits the knockout punch on The Miz. Chavo tags himself in and pins The Miz!
After the match, Cena drops Chavo with the Attitude Adjuster and challenges The Big Show to get in the ring. Show knocks him out, then slaps on a camel clutch, perhaps a preview of this Sunday at Extreme Rules.
So, for the benefit of those with short attention spaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaans: Before the break, Cena was knocked out and put in a Camel Clutch
Josh Matthews is standing by with his guests at this time, the United States Champion MVP, and the number one contender, Kofi Kingston. The two show some respect to one another, but Josh asks who’s leaving with the belt tonight. MVP tells Kofi he’s been drinking too much Red Stripe Wine, and Kingston says it’s ok to be an ex champion. It’ll give him and his prom date Sherri Sheppard something to talk about next time he’s on The View. MVP says that just because he respects Kofi doesn’t mean he won’t beat him.
Kofi makes his way out to the ring first, as the challenger normally does. MVP’s entrance music has been shortened – it starts with the clock ticking still, but cuts straight to “I’M COMIN’!” It’s irrelevant though. We see a picture of MVP and Sherri Sheppard at the prom, as Micheal Cole says he’s never been to a prom. King asks if he didn’t have a date. Cole asks why Lawler needs to know everything about his background.
Kofi Kingston def. MVP to win the United States Championship
I’m surprised – we might actually have a championship match on free television that has a clean finish. It’s a very good matchup as well, with both men trying to one up the other. Kofi shows off the Thunderclap before a…
MVP is in control when we come back. Kofi starts to battle back, picking up the pace in the matchup and getting a two off of a hurricanrana. MVP gets a two off of a boot to the face. He hits the Ballin’ Elbow for another two count. MVP knocks Kingston off of the top rope, then nails a top rope superplex for another two count. Both men score a quick series of near falls, a la vintage ECW matches. MVP sets up for the Playmaker, but Kingston fights out, but misses the Trouble in Paradise. MVP goes for a pin, but Kingston rolls him up out of it for the three! NEW CHAMPION!
After the match, MVP grabs the title and hands it to the new champion.
Ted DiBiase wonders why Orton is accepting Flair’s challenge. He tells Orton that anything can happen, even by accident. Orton’s got everything to lose and nothing to gain. Orton says tonight will be a preview for Batista so he knows what he’s going to go through this Sunday in a cage. Ted says “that’s exactly what Cody said.”
Vickie Guerrero is carrying two slop buckets to the ring as Lillian announces her as a participant in this next matchup. If this isn’t indicative of a Henry O Godwin and Phineas I Godwin return, I’ll be severely disappointed.
Santino makes his way out, as we’re shown the hog pen from the last hog pen match. Still no Godwin sightings though. Santino tastes the slop in the bucket, and threatens to slop her, but Matt Hardy and William Regal run in to make the save. Santino outsmarts them, however, slopping them AND Vickie in one shot. Probably a bad idea though, because Hardy and Regal double team the Milan Miracle, and this time, Hardy doesn’t miss with the cast. Vickie stands over Santino, cackling with delight as she grabs the other slop bucket, and pours some of it onto Santino’s crotch. She oinks at him before pouring the rest of the slop all over him. Vickie stands over Santino, waving like a beauty queen.
Backstage, Ric Flair is still waiting for Randy Orton.
<COMMERCIAL BREAK – I want the Mach Madness DVD!!!>
Cole and The King are in the ring to run down the card for Extreme Rules.
NOTE: At this point I had to leave to go to work. The rest of the show was graciously covered by JT, who sent along the highlights.
We come back to another WWE did you know?
Did you know- WWE did something minimal and is bragging about it.
Orton looks for flair, he cant find him
Flair attacks from behind, ramming Orton into the garage door, then pounds on him
Orton gains control, then loses it
Flair stands on Orton’s head
Orton throws Flair into backstage stuff
Flair thows Orton on a thing that rolls
They fight (coincidently) into the arena and end up next to the ramp
Orton pounds on Flair
Orton throws Flair on ramp, footstomps him
Orton punches Flair in the head several times
Low blow by Flair
Flair kicks Orton, hits him a few times, Orton rolls down the ramp
Orton begs for merecy, Flair continues to pound on him
They make it to ringside, Flair still in control
Flair hits with a few chops, Orton counters, throws Flair on table, Flair recovers, knocks Orton down, then put him on the announce table, Flair stomps on Orton’s leg
FIGURE FOUR LEG LOCK on the table.
DiBiase comes to Orton’s aid, they beat up Flair, bringing him into the ring (still surrounded by a steel cage) Oh yeah, Rhodes is out there too
Rhodes and DiBiase beat up Flair in the ring
then they leave, lock the cage door and Orton is alone in the ring with Flair
Batista to the rescue, but he cant open the door.
Orton RKO’s Flair in the ring while Batista tries to climb in.
Batista is mad and throws the ring steps.
Orton hits Flair with The Randy Orton Super Magic Mega Kick of Final Ultimate Death!!! (TM Green Teabagger)
We fade to black with Orton and Batista staring each other, Batista outside the ring, Orton still in the cage as Batista says “I’m gonna tear you apart, you sick *bleep*!”
My thoughts: You’d really think that after everything they did for him last year, Ric Flair would stay out of the ring – even if it’s not an official “match,” to me it takes away from the fact that I was at what was supposed to be Flair’s last time in the ring. Whatever, I guess Steve Austin and The Rock are the only ones who can actually retire and not actively make an effort to wrestle.
Kofi Kingston is your new United States Champion. Know what that means? MVP’s WWE Championship run is set to happen. Mark my words, by the end of the year, barring an injury or suspension, MVP will capture the WWE Championship.
Everything else on this show – boring. I sat through it, but I don’t know if I would have if I weren’t reviewing it here on BWF. ECW will probably be better tomorrow night, as has been the case.
And, I can’t believe I’m saying this, it doesn’t feel like it, but next Tuesday is the one year anniversary of BoredWrestlingFan.com! Normally when I run awebsite, it flounders about with relatively no hits, but thanks to you guys, I’m still just as excited about this site as I was last year when I launched it!
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