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Tonight marks the return of one of the greatest things to ever happen to RAW.  That’s right, ThinkSoJoE is here with a RAW review!  Oh, and that dude that makes those movies is on the actual show.  You know the guy.  He does that eyebrow thing.  Anyways, Justin Ruff was having issues with his satellite feed, so I’m here to cover for him.  Enjoy!

Last Monday:  John Cena laid into The Rock with a verbal assault.

Tonight we’re in Portland, Oregon, and The Rock is in the building!  But first…

“This is a Champion vs. Champion match, scheduled for one fall!”

It’s clobberin’ time right out of the box as the WWE Champion, CM Punk is on his way to the ring.  I like where this is going!  They show the false finishes and controversial ending to last Tuesday’s Super Smackdown, which means that it looks like we’re getting a third Punk/Bryan match!

And his opponent…

“BREAK THE WALLS DOWN!”

Chris Jericho heads to the ring with his Lite Brite jacket and a microphone.  Jericho asks Punk if he’s expecting somebody else.  What Jericho has to say is more important than this match.  He thinks Punk is an amazing performer, but not as good as Jericho.  Jericho never had to call himself the best in the world or right it on the back of a t-shirt, the people would write it on signs and bring it into the arenas every week.  He’s a part of a dying breed who toured the world becoming stars before they ever got to the WWE.  They didn’t care about politics, they just wanted to have the best match on the show.  Jericho developed a chip on his shoulder for it.  He knew he was the best.  Now Punk is just like Jericho.  A Maverick.  A rebel who went against the grain and became more than anything anybody though he would, but the translation is that’s because he just wants to be like Chris Jericho.  Punk tells him to stop.  Punk knows how good Jericho is, the people do to.  Punk’s problem is Jericho insinuating that Punk stole anything from Jericho.  He’s fought for everything that he’s earned.  Jericho thinks he invented saying he’s the best?  There’s a guy Punk remembers when he was a kid, named Bret “Hitman” Hart, the best there is, the best there was, and the best there ever will be.  Did Jericho give that to him when he was 2 years old?  Line of the night time!

“He’s Canadian too, did you invent him being Canadian?  Did you invent Canada?”

-CM Punk to Chris Jericho

Jericho tells the crowd to laugh it up with Punk.  Jericho says it’s typical, never taking anything too seriously.  Punk needs to take Jericho seriously, because this is a whole different level.  Jericho says this isn’t a gimmick, he’s the best in the world at everything he does, and he’s proven it for the last 20 years.  He’s faced every legend, hall of famer, future hall of famer, and beaten them all.  He’s stolen the show at WrestleMania, moments that will be legendary long after they’re gone.  Jericho calls himself the “literal undeserved, undoubtful, best in the world at everything I do.”  Punk says Jericho keeps saying that, and it screams superiority, but his body language screams inferiority.  Punk wants to know who Jericho is trying to prove he’s the best in the world to.  Punk calls himself the best in the world, and it’s a little cocky but he’s never lacked confidence.  It seems Jericho’s confidence has turned to jealousy.  Punk came from the same place Jericho did and has surpassed everything Jericho did.  Jericho beat The Rock and Stone Cold in one night to become WWE Champion, but he was never the man like Punk is the man, was he?  Punk says Jericho has a Napoleon complex.  Jericho says he’s the best in the world at what he does but Punk is the best wrestler in the world.  The distinction is very simple.  Punk was born this way, this is what he does, while Jericho chooses to leave and write books, have a radio show, and be on game shows, and he chooses to be a rock star.  Punk is here swimming with sharks while Jericho is Dancing with Stars.  Jericho says when he was dancing with stars, and killing it on the Tonight Show and becoming a bigger star than Punk ever was, he could only think of Punk ripping him off every night.  He says that the flashy jacket and the January 2 vignettes are all window dressing because Jericho came back to prove to Punk that he’s the best in the world at what he does on the biggest stage in the world.  Punk says that’s all Jericho had to do.  He didn’t have to jump him, he just had to ask.  Punk says everybody points at the WrestleMania sign, but he’s going to point at his title.  He doesn’t need Chris Brown and Jericho doesn’t need Mickey Rourke, and they don’t need all the pyro in the world, or inflatable letters to tell everybody how awesome they are.  They don’t need a fancy entrance and “screw your stupid Lite Brite jacket!”  All they need is the two of them in the ring, and on April 1st, we’ll find out who is the best in the world.  It’s all the ingredients they need to have what could be the best wrestling match in WrestleMania history.  Punk has something Jericho wants, and at the end of the night, when he sees Punk up on the ramp with the WWE Title in tow screaming “best in the world,” it’s not going to be the end of the world, it’ll only be the end of Jericho’s world.  Jericho looks up at the WrestleMania sign as Daniel Bryan’s music hits.

Bryan heads out to the ring with AJ in tow, followed by John Laurinaitis and David Otunga (with mismatched coffee mug.  Sorry, G!).

CM Punk vs. Daniel Bryan

Bryan assaults Punk as he’s distracted by Laurinaitis, but his advantage doesn’t last long.  Punk sends Bryan reeling to the outside and we head to a commercial.  Teddy Long and Santino are also at ringside.  Bryan is in control when we come back.  You know what, screw it.  I’m just going to watch this match and enjoy it.  As good as the match is, the commentary is a little distracting as Long and Laurinaitis are both on commentary.  Punk goes to dive on Bryan but AJ gets in the way.  Bryan takes advantage of the situation and sends Punk into the steel steps on the outside.   After the break, Bryan is in control again with an abdominal stretch.  Punk gets out of it but we don’t see it because we’re looking at Michael Cole and John Laurinaitis instead.  Punk turns the tide and hits his Randy Savage elbow but appears to hurt his ribs in the process.  The fans chant “go to sleep,” and Punk gives the sign for it, but Otunga distracts him.  Bryan goes for the LeBell Lock, Punk rolls out, and both men attempt a cross body.  Otunga gets back on the apron, Santino hits him with the Cobra, Laurinaitis and Long get into an argument and Bryan tries to leave.  Sheamus attacks him on his way out and rolls him back into the ring.  Punk hits the GTS, but Laurinaitis tells the referee something.  The ref calls for the bell.

Winner:  No Contest

Punk argues with Laurinaitis, and Long shoves Laurinaitis.  The two GMs take their jackets off and it looks like we might have a fight.  Punk shows off his title at the top of the stage, and gets attacked from behind by Jericho, who slams him on the steel stage.  He then locks him in the Walls of Jericho.  Officials come out to attempt to get Jericho to break the hold, which he eventually does.  Jericho raises the title over his head.  He tells Punk to enjoy the title while he can for the next four weeks.

Still to come, Dwayne Johnson!

<COMMERCIAL BREAK>

Josh Matthews is standing by the trainer’s room, he says Punk is more angry than hurt.

Metallica’s “The Memory Remains” plays and we’re reminded that The Undertaker and Triple H are going to face off in Hell In A Cell, and we get a video package on the events leading up to it, complete with Superstars commenting on last year’s match.

Still to come, it’s John Cena vs. The Miz!

<COMMERCIAL BREAK>

Kelly Kelly vs. Nikki Bella

I don’t care.  I really don’t.  They get a couple minutes here, it goes about the way you’d expect.  Kelly prevents Twin Magic, and winds up winning with a rolling bridge pin.

Winner: Kelly Kelly

Still to come:  From “Monday Night SmackDown (according to Michael Cole)” Sheamus & The Big Show vs. Mark Henry & Cody Rhodes, The Rock is here, and up next, John Cena takes on The Miz!

<COMMERCIAL BREAK>

Cena’s music hits when we come back from the commercial.  That’s odd.  Guess that means we’re getting a Miz promo.  Am I right?  Miz’s music hits, and he heads out with a microphone in hand.

Before he gets to Cena, he has to get something off of his chest.  He’s worked too hard to be treated like this.  In the past year, nobody has worked harder than The Miz, not even Cena.  Who do they call upon to represent WWE in all sorts of media?  The Miz.  Yet, his name has yet to be called upon for WrestleMania.  It’s a crime, and Miz will rectify this crime.  He’s going to prove to everybody that he is WrestleMania worthy.  He is WrestleMania.  And he’s going to do it by beating the man he beat in last year’s WrestleMania main event, because he’s The Miz, and he’s awesome.

The Miz vs. John Cena

The crowd seems to be mostly anti-Cena tonight, and Cena is overly aggressive tonight.  He goes for the AA early, and Miz hits the Mizard of Oz for a two.  Cena builds momentum, but Miz floats over a Cena suplex and DDTs him for another two.  He hits his clothesline in the corner and climbs to the top rope.  He takes too long and Cena moves, and then starts to hit the five moves of doom – shoulder tackle (x2), Five Knuckle Shuffle, Attitude Adjustment, and STF.

Winner:  John Cena via submission

Cena gets up on the second rope to celebrate as we see The Rock watching from backstage.

<COMMERCIAL BREAK>

“The following is a WWE Tag Team Championship Triple Threat match!”

Standard Triple Threat rules apply, three guys in at once, can tag their own partner at any time, and the first pinfall or submission wins.

R-Truth and Kofi Kingston are out first.  Vickie Guerrero brings out her team of Jack Swagger and Dolph Ziggler.  And of course, Rosa Mendes leads the WWE Tag Team Champions, Primo & Epico down to the ring.

Kofi Kingston & R-Truth vs. Dolph Ziggler & Jack Swagger vs. Primo & Epico

Ziggler gets out of the ring and lets Primo and Kingston battle it out.  He gets back in and gets flapjacked to the canvas.  Kingston tags in Truth who covers Ziggler, but Primo breaks that up.  Things get out of control and all six men wind up on the floor as we go to a commercial.  When we come back, Truth covers Primo but it’s broken up by Swagger.  Primo and Ziggler try to work together on Truth, but Truth takes them both on.  We hear that Punk is ok after the assault by Jericho earlier on, and both Primo and Ziggler make the tag to their partners, but Epico and Swagger couldn’t help but fight each other, allowing Truth to also get the tag in to Kingston.  Kingston hits the cross body on Swagger from the top rope.  He slams Epico onto Swagger, and hits a Boom Drop.  Ziggler hits the ZigZag on Kingston, Truth takes care of him, and Swagger can’t get the three count on Kingston.  Epico goes for the backstabber, but winds up in Swagger’s ankle lock.  Kofi hits Trouble In Paradise on Swagger, but gets caught with a backstabber from Primo.  Epico covers Kingston and the tag champs retain!

Winners and still Tag Team Champions:  Epico & Primo

KABOOM!  Kane’s pyro goes off immediately following the match.  The Big Red Monster is on his way to the ring!  He boots Primo, hits a double chokeslam on Ziggler and Epico, and R-Truth decides it’s a good idea to attack him, but gets chokeslammed for his trouble.  Kane ignites the ringposts, and leaves a path of destruction.

Backstage, John Laurinaitis and David Otunga are discussing the Oscars, when they’re interrupted by “this guy.”  Teddy Long.  Long says he thinks Laurinaitis wants to hear what he has to say.  There’s a rumor that Johnny won’t be running next week’s RAW, playa.  Ace says he heard a rumor that Long’s been fired as SmackDown GM.  Long says it’s no rumor that Laurinaitis is a horses ass.  The fans chant the same.

Still to come, Sheamus & The Big Show vs. Cody Rhodes & Mark Henry.  Oh yeah, and that guy from the movies is here.

<COMMERCIAL BREAK>

We relive Eve’s horrible acting.  Skank Juice, Hoeski, Skankopotamus and the whole deal.

And now we get Eve in the arena.  Fans have a “You’re a #Hoeski” sign.  She says if we want to judge her, we can go ahead.  She’s a woman living in a man’s world.  She tells men what they need to hear and they love it.  She uses them but there isn’t a man in this world who wouldn’t love to be used by a woman like her.  It’s not her fault men can’t resist her.  She didn’t ask for this.  Men crumble at her feet like little puppies begging for her affection.  We shouldn’t blame her for her natural strengths.  Men should blame themselves for their weaknesses.  She blows a kiss to the audience.  Man, I wish Justin were writing this.  He’d be able to articulate how horrible this whole thing is better than I possibly can.

Eve is walking backstage and she is stopped by Kelly Kelly, who wants to know what’s gotten into her.  Eve laughs and walks away.  Alicia Fox joins Kelly’s pout party.

Elsewhere backstage, Big Show and Sheamus are walking, presumably toward the entrance.

“Bending the Rules” premieres next Friday in limited theaters, and stars WWE Hall of Fame Inductee Edge.  Look for it at WalMart in two weeks.  We get to watch the trailer.  If you missed it, you didn’t miss much.   I’ll still watch it, because Edge is in it and it will be on Netflix soon enough.

<COMMERCIAL BREAK>

During the break, the announcers have both heard the same rumors that the GMs heard earlier.

At Elimination Chamber, Cody Rhodes eliminated The Big Show, and then he did the same in the number one contender’s battle royal last week.

Show is out first for his team, followed by Sheamus.  Mark Henry is out first for his team and this Saturday will be inducted into a sports Hall of Fame.  Cody comes out, and the only reason I posted anything at all about the entrances is because Cody Rhodes presents another embarrassing Big Show WrestleMania Moment.  This time, it’s his loss to Floyd “Money” Mayweather at WrestleMania 24, which I was there for.

The Big Show & Sheamus vs. Mark Henry & Cody Rhodes

Rhodes starts off with The Big Show, but tags Mark Henry in before anything happens.  Show spears Henry and goes after Rhodes, who is too quick for The Big Show.  Sheamus tags himself in and nails a Brogue Kick on Henry for the victory!

Winners:  The Big Show & Sheamus

Tomorrow morning there will be a huge announcement from the WWE Board of Directors on WWE.com at 10AM EST.

Last Week:  Cena’s speech.  Same thing we saw earlier.

Up next, it’s Dwayne Johnson!

<COMMERCIAL BREAK>

HBK returns next week!

If ya smell… What The Rock… Is cookin’!

He’s actually here!  Not via satellite, not The Miz in a bald cap, The Rock is actually here!  Apparently this is his first time performing in Portland, according to Jerry Lawler.  He’s covered in goosebumps because “this feels so damned good.”  You may find this shocking, but he’s not here every single week.  He was, for years and years.  The Rock was born and created in the WWE.  He knows that if it wasn’t for the WWE and all of us, The Rock would never exist.  When he said he was never going away, he meant it.  He didn’t mean he’d be back at every show, but if somebody wants to take it literally, then he can go ahead and take it literally.  He respects the audiences… (a Fruity Pebbles chant breaks out)… He respects the audience’s intelligence.  Rock was born into this business, and his heart and soul is in this business.  He’s in this ring for no other reason than the fact that he loves the WWE.  He will always be a part of the WWE, and the WWE will always be a part of him.  John Cena, for years The Rock thought he was a phony.  For years, The Rock thought there was no way that a guy who graduated from a private school became the Doctor of Thuganomics.  He was from the streets, from the hood.  But Rock realized that Cena’s not a phony, he’s real.  He’s the guy who said he had to go through a wave of people to talk to The Rock, but the truth is that Cena has The Rock’s phone number.  Rock would much rather be hit in the face with a piece of kung pao chicken than talk to Cena.  Cena’s not a phony, Rock doesn’t think he’s a bad guy, but what he is, is a Kung Pao Bitch.  Which, of course, becomes a new chant.  Last week, Cena said something that resonated with The Rock.  He said he’d fight at WrestleMania for all the people who love to be a professional wrestler.  Rock grew up in this business, and he was always taught that nobody would fight for him.  Nobody fought for The Rock.  When he came out as a babyface and everybody was booing him, nobody was fighting for him.  Nobody was fighting for Stone Cold, Triple H, Mick Foley.  Nobody fought for Rowdy Roddy Piper.  Rock says Cena can fight for the guys in the back, but he’s fighting for the fans.  He fights for the people who are sick and tired of having a Kung Pao bitch shoved down their throats every night.  They’re tired of Cena, but they’re not tired of being entertained, and that’s where The Rock comes in.  It’s what he does.  In the ring, movie screen, doesn’t matter.  When The Rock came back, and said “John Cena looks like Fruity Pebbles,” they started chanting Fruity Pebbles, then we find Cena’s monkey ass on the cover of a cereal box.  When The Rock came back and said he’d stick his size 15 boot up Cena’s lady parts, trending lady parts.  Rock plays with the crowd a bit.  The Rock and the fans have fun.  What’s the most innovated thing Cena did all year?  Changed his jean shorts to camouflage shorts.  They’re working, we can’t find Cena’s balls whatsoever.  We’re going to make history again.  Cena’s missing balls, trending worldwide.  The fans chant “missing balls,” and that brings Cena out.  If he whips out his balls to show The Rock, this review is over.  He says it’s too much fun, he wasn’t going to miss it.  Only The Rock could refer to him as Kung Pao Chicken.  It’s brilliant.  He’s not out here to swing for The People’s Strudel, or whatever he’s calling his penis nowadays.  Rock is right, Cena’s the guy that runs him down when he’s not here, but he’s only half right.  Cena’s also the guy who runs him down when he is here.  These people love The Rock, and Cena was one of them until he met Dwayne Johnson, a self centered, egotistical, see-through son of a bitch that wouldn’t give a rats ass if this company closed it’s doors tomorrow.  Cena doesn’t need respect and loyalty to trend worldwide, just like he doesn’t need his notes for his promo on his wrist.  

G notes: They use CGI to edit this out in Hollywood.

– April 1st, when everybody else sees Cena and The Rock, Cena’s going to be looking at Dwayne Johnson, and he doesn’t like Dwayne Johnson.  Rock will probably make his boobs bounce, there will be a thing on his eyebrow that looks like The People’s Eyebrow, but he’ll be looking in the eyes of Dwayne Johnson and see a man afraid.  Rock may be looking at a man who doesn’t have balls (did he really just say that?!?) but a dude who’s going to beat the hell out of him at WrestleMania.  “Carry on, continue trending,” Cena says as he leaves.  Rock says it’s like Cena to come out, run his mouth, and walk away before Rock slaps the lips off of his face.  He comes out, confuses the world, he likes the Rock, hates Dwayne Johnson.  Rock says that they’re the same man.  The difference between him and Cena though, is that Cena isn’t tough.  He goes off on a tangent, but the gist of it is that Team Bring It is going to kick Cena’s ass at WrestleMania, if you smell what The Rock is cookin’!

My thoughts:  I won’t give too much away, considering I give my thoughts weekly on BWF Radio, but I wasn’t jumping for joy at this week’s show.  There’s a lot of guys I see with less than five weeks to go until WrestleMania who have nothing going on.  Miz, Kane, Primo & Epico, Ziggler & Swagger, Kingston & Truth.  The Divas Champion wasn’t on this show at all, the US Champion is in a tag team, and the world champions are feuding with each other to the point that their WrestleMania opponents seem like afterthoughts.  And then there’s the whole Teddy Long/John Laurinaitis deal.  I bet the Board of Directors announcement on dot com tomorrow will be Santino vs. Otunga at WrestleMania with sole GMship on the line.  Actually, if I were a betting man, I’d actually bet that they’re going to switch roles next week.  Guess we’ll see tomorrow morning.  Oh yeah, and The Rock was on this show.  Cena made mention of notes on Rock’s wrist.  Here’s a screengrab:

Truth be told, nobody can touch the Rock on the mic, but I still feel like he turned his back on us when he left for Hollywood and took seven damn years to come back.  I’ll see you guys on Sunday for BWF Radio 14.

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