Your Empress of “Impact” is, for one night only, your Reina of RAW! As I shall be missing this week’s “Impact,” I traded reviews with our fearless leader and founder, ThinkSoJoE. What fallout will we see from last night’s “Breaking Point” ppv? Will Trish Stratus have blonde hair again? Join us here and on the BWF thread for RAW, and find out!

[Joker voice] And here…we…go…[/Joker voice]

We open with a video package of the John Cena/Randy Orton “I Quit” match and Cena’s victory.

Lillian Garcia tells us to welcome back to Monday Night RAW the Animal, Batista! The place goes insane! Batista’s left arm is heavily braced, supposedly from June 9th. Hmmm, ya think so? He has had surgery, and rumors are flying about the 5-time WWE champion. I think he has new ink, too. Batista wants to say, “Thank you” to everybody here tonight and everybody watching at home. He wants to thank everyone for letting him have the time of his life in the ring. Massive “Batista! Batista!” chants. The Animal is interrupted by the music of –

The Viper! Randy Orton comes out alone, slowly sauntering to the ring. Jerry “the King” Lawler and Michael Cole bemoan the fact that Orton interrupted Batista’s moment. Both men have mics. Orton says that he is not very happy about losing the WWE championship last night. He is cheered up, though, by the fact that Batista is retiring. Going out with a whimper. Just save whatever speech you were going to make, because nobody cares! Batista is retiring because of Orton, not because of his most recent injury. Orton has put him out repeatedly. Batista laughs. Orton gets furious that Batista is laughing, and demands to know why. Batista finds two things funny. One, Orton is so predictable. Secondly, (as he removes his arm brace) he knows something that Orton doesn’t. Batista attacks Orton and beats him out of the ring. Batista isn’t announcing his retirement, he’s announcing that he’s going to Smackdown. However, he asked the guest host for one last match on RAW. It’s a no-holds-barred match against Orton, tonight!

We get a recap of what we just saw. Michael Cole calls it a Wrestlemania moment. Michael Cole is really high right now.

Lillian Garcia introduces guest host Trish Stratus! Trish Looks fantastic, sporting the long brown hair, black pants, and a black tube top. She gives props to Bob Barker, citing his nearly making Chris Jericho cry as her favorite part. Trish knows RAW, as it was her world for seven years. She knows what the people want. Trish knows that Orton gets a rematch, so she books him against John Cena in a title rematch at the next ppv, “Hell in the Cell.” Let’s get this match going, shall we? Trish rules all.

Kofi Kingston makes his entrance, followed quickly by Primo. This will be a tag team match against “the All-American American” Jack Swagger and the Miz. Miz gets a huge pop.

Match #1: Kofi Kingston and Primo vs. Jack Swagger and The Miz: Nice counters, aggression, and fast-paced action here. I’m not calling moves here, it’s just a good match. Jack Swagger gets the pin on Kofi Kingston. The Miz walks off with Kofi Kingston’s title belt. Kofi is not amused.

Winners: Jack Swagger and the Miz

Mickie James, Divas title in hand, bounces out to join the announce team. We now have a triple threat match for the Number One Contender to the Divas title. Wow!

Match #2: Gail Kim vs. Alicia Fox: I thought thatLillian just announced a triple threat match. Either way, Mickie James refers to remembering being quite the fan of Trish Stratus back in her earlier days. I miss crazy lesbian stalker Mickie James! The match in the ring is ok, but Gail Kim is better than this. Alicia Fox gets the win and a shot at Mickie James’s title after a jumping axe kick. Mickie James looks forward to defending her title against Alicia.

Winner and #1 Contender to the Divas title: Alicia Fox

Lawler and Cole run down the rest of the card.

The “Did You Know?” is utter rubbish. I’m just sayin’.

A video package detailing Orton’s kick to Batista’s head last year.

Beth Phoenix confronts Trish Stratus about leaving her out of the Number One Contender’s match. Chris Jericho interrupts, and confronts Trish about her earlier comments. Beth steps up and talks up Jericho being in the ring every night, backing up what he says. Trish retired to avoid the new competition, and opened up a yoga studio in this second-rate country. Trish decides to book a tag team match with Chris Jericho and Beth Phoenix against Trish herself and a partner! YES!!!!!

Recap of Legacy vs. DX at the ppv.

Ted DiBiase Jr. enters, Cody Rhodes at his side. It’s a singles match from the ppv. Oh, Legacy has a mic! Two, in fact. Cody asks if we’re ready. He mocks DX, and asks if we’re ready to welcome a new dawning in the WWE. Legacy made DX tap out. You know who hasn’t made DX tap out? The Rock, Stone Cold, the McMahons, Team Rated RKO, the Undertaker. DiBiase isn’t surprised at what Legacy was able to do. Legacy will not stop until DX is out of RAW and out of their lives forever. Some may say, “Huzzah!” DX watches on monitors in the back.

DX comes out to big pop.

Match #3: Ted DiBiase Jr. vs. Shawn Michaels: HBK shows the effects of the previous night’s match, and Ted DiBiase is on the aggressive offense. Are those chants of “You screwed Bret?” Come now, Toronto! Cody Rhodes mocks DX by tapping against the ring post as DiBiase pulls HBK back into the ring by the hair. DiBiase looks very good in this match, despite the fact that HBK can have a good match with pretty much anyone. DiBiase is not being carried, in any sense of the word. HBK plays the damaged babyface in peril to perfection. HBK slaps a Figure Four on DiBiase, but Cody Rhodes distracts the referee, and DiBiase escapes. HUGE chants of “HBK! HBK!” Lawler and Cole play up HBK’s injured state. HBK counters DiBiase’s move to dump him over the top rope. HBK gets the momentum, and takes the fight to DiBiase. Kip up, Lou Thesz press, top rope elbow drop. It’s all there. HBK’s left eye is damaged. HBK goes to tune up the band, but Cody Rhodes grabs his legs and pulls him out of the ring. The referee throws out the match, and HHH flattens Cody Rhodes. HBK and DiBiase fight through the audience, and HHH beats the daylights out of Rhodes at ringside. As the brawl progresses, DX gets the upper hand.

A recap of the brawl that we just saw.

Match #4: Hornswoggle and Evan Bourne vs. Chavo Guerrero and Carlito (w/ Rosa Mendes): Cole reminds us that Chavo has lost 70-something matches against Hornswoggle. Don’t remind us of that. Evan Bourne and Carlito are both excellent here. The other two, not so much. Carlito goes feral on Evan Bourne, pounding him down into the corner. When did Rosa Mendes become blonde? Bourne does most of the wrestling for his team, but Chavo and Carlito try to double team him. Hornswoggle tags in and climbs up for the Tadpole Splash, chewing mouthfuls of the apple he stole from Carlito. Chavo rushes to the top rope to take Hornswoggle down, and gets apple spit in his face. Hornswoggle pins Chavo for the win

Winners: Horswoggle and Evan Bourne

Post-match, Chavo gets the mic and asks what he has to do. He tells Hornswoggle that he gives up. There is much rejoicing and mockery.

Video package of Batista vs. Orton in a steel cage.

To the back! John Cena is all serious business. Cena talks about what Randy Orton will say and do. Cena promises that Orton will see a different side of him in HIAC. Growly shouting ensues, ending with “The champ is here!”

Match #5: Trish Stratus and ? vs. Beth Phoenix and Chris Jericho: Trish enters first, and looks amazing. Who is her partner? It’s MVP! He enters alone, and joins her in the ring. After the commercial break, Chris Jericho enters. Beth Phoenix enters last. Oh, this is going to be good! Trish and Beth start. Beth overpowers Trish at first, but Trish fights back. Jericho shoves Trish over, and MVP rushes him to throw him over the top rope. Both men hit the floor. Big Show runs in and attacks MVP. Mark Henry runs in and attacks Big Show. The match gets thrown out, and Trish and MVP declared the winners by DQ. Trish takes the mic, and refuses to allow this. She makes the match a 6-person tag, and orders it to continue. Back from commercial break, the 6-person match begins. Jericho gets MVP in the heel corner, but MVP fights out and gets a two-count on Jericho with a roll-up. Jericho jumps up and kicks Mark Henry in the face. Jericho follws up with a submission hold on MVP. MVP fights out and counters, laying in some offense of his own. Jericho tags in Beth, who gets in MVP’s face. MVP takes it for a moment, but tags in Trish, who pounces on Beth. Jericho pulls Beth from the ring. MVP dives over the top rope onto Jericho. Trish tries to run the ropes, but Big Show grabs her foot and she hits the mat face-first. Mark Henry attacks Big Show. Beth covers Trish, but Trish kicks out. Trish nails the Startusfaction bulldog on Beth and gets the win.

Winners: Trish Stratus, MVP, and Mark Henry

A video package of Orton and Legacy taking out Batista’s arm.

Cedric the Entertainer will be next week’s guest host. Um, ok.

Match #6: Batista vs. Randy Orton: This is a no-holds-barred match, and Batista’s last match on RAW. Orton is out first. Batista enters to explosive cheers. Batista has new ink, I’m sure of it. It’s all slow paced power with this one, with Orton going for a chair early on, but Batista beats him down on the floor. Both men play to their strengths, and end up on the floor repeatedly. Orton gets slammed into the announce team chairs. Orton bails and tries to leave up the ramp, but John Cena comes out and throws him back in. Batista gets the pin and win.  

Winner: Batista

FINAL THOUGHTS: So Batista has decided to go to Smackdown for the competition. Smackdown was far and away the best WWE show on tv for months in terms of actual wrestling and character development, and now, between Vince McMahon, Batista, and (as much as I hate to say it) Undertaker, Smackdown could be in trouble, in terms of the guys who were not long-time main-eventers getting their due. I certainly hope that I’m wrong. TWO “Hell in a Cell” matches on the same ppv? No! No, that’s a specialty match that should only be used twice a year at most, not twice on one show. Yes, TNA did two “King of the Mountain” matches in a single ppv, but that’s a completely different type of match from HIAC, and on that particular TNA card, it actually worked. HIAC is not the sort of thing that can be overdone like that and still maintain its mystique and power. Trish Stratus is awesome, and I will always have a soft spot in my heart for that woman. She is missed greatly. Alicia Fox beating Gail Kim for a #1 Contender shot at the Divas title is appalling. This was a better RAW than many I have watched recently, but truly, that’s like being valedictorian of summer school. The overall show wasn’t bad, but without Trish Stratus, it would not have had that “can’t-miss” feeling.

Check back with BWF later this week as ThinkSoJoE attempts to fill my shoes and review “Impact,” Legend Killer declares War on Everything, tharvey1 talks about “Superstars,” and JT gets random!

Peace out,



  1. There's going to be at least three HIAC matches on the next PPV. Orton/Cena and DX/Legacy just happen to be the ones announced so far. Punk/Taker should certainly be announced on Friday for an HIAC match. After all, the show is CALLED Hell In A Cell. They'll be doing the same thing with TLC matches in December. Bastardizing their specialty matches. Way to go, WWE.

  2. I am sulking because 1) I did not know that DG was doing the comments for Raw this week and thus my texts during went unanswered; and 2) DG is refusing to use the Phrase That Pays in her writing (and no, it's no longer "Montreal Screwjob").

    So if Batista is going to Smackdown as a face, does that mean Raw will eventually get Undertaker?

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