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Uh-Oh! It’s not the Big O, Broskis, it is in fact I, the ringleader of this little group of smarks we call BoredWrestlingFan.com, ThinkSoJoE!  Justin Ruff is not feeling well this evening and we wish him a speedy recovery as I dive head first into Monday Night RAW!  The best part about this is, I don’t know ANYTHING about tonight’s show other than Shawn Michaels is on it, so I can review this and give my thoughts as I initially watch.  And here you thought I only did the podcasts!

Time for the dog show!  Oh wait, they don’t preempt RAW for that anymore.  You can watch it on CNBC, if you’re so inclined.  Except this aired 3 hours ago, so you can’t.

VIDEO PACKAGE:  Kane wants John Cena to embrace the hate.  He tries to do this by stalking Eve.  She’s got the same jawline as Cena, so maybe Kane got confused.

Hey, speaking of Kane, there’s his ugly mug on my TV right now.  He says he’ll do anything to get Cena to embrace the hate.  Tonight, two things will happen.  Cena will embrace the hate, and someone will take a ride in this conveniently placed ambulance.  Kane, I think you’re confused again.  The Ambulance match is at the Elimination Chamber pay-per-view.

Nickelback tells me to burn things again.  Somebody really should do something about that public nuisance.

We’re in San Diego, and John Laurinaitis still has a job, and he’s got Shawn Michaels as his special guest tonight.  But first, here’s Jerry “The King” Lawler.  He’s hosting an Elimination Chamber Match debate.  Yes, really.  The participants, of course, are Kofi Kingston, Chris Jericho, The Miz, Dolph Ziggler & Vickie Guerrero, R-Truth, and the WWE Champion CM Punk.  Punk says “Vote for me!”  Run for President, dude, and I will.  Lawler asks Punk what makes him think he can walk out of the Elimination Chamber still champion.  Johnny Ace interrupts, along with David Otunga.  He’s happy to be here and have the support of the board of directors, and he thanks them for their confidence in allowing him to be the EVP of Talent Relations and Interim GM of RAW.  Punk says he gives his word to the WWE Universe that this debate will not end in violence.  He offers his congratulations on Johnny Ace convincing the Board of Directors to let him keep his job.  Punk says that Ace managed to get that to happen by begging.  Punk says he’ll win the Elimination Chamber because he’s the best wrestler in the world.  Ok, Vickie Guerrero opened her mouth.  I’m done with this segment.  I’m not going to pull a G and hit FFW, but I’m not going to dignify this crap.  Ziggler’s a show-off, Truth thinks he’s running for President, Miz was the main event of last year’s WrestleMania, Kofi feels overlooked, and Jericho uses big words.  aaaaeghpoaihoewanabngoanonfaeowrn%@#%…. huh, wha??  Oh sorry, dosed off on my keyboard for a moment there.  Ziggler explains this segment perfectly – 15 minutes of my life I can never have back.  Lawler announces that our first match tonight is Kofi Kingston vs. Chris Jericho.  Jericho walks over to Punk, takes off his jacket, shoves Truth’s podium, and Punk shows Jericho his belt again.  Jericho turns around into a Trouble In Paradise from Kingston, and this segment is thankfully over.

Still to come tonight, CM Punk takes on The Miz, and R-Truth faces Dolph Ziggler.  Up next, we’re still apparently going to have Kofi Kingston vs. Chris Jericho!

<COMMERCIAL BREAK>

Kofi Kingston vs. Chris Jericho

Kofi is in control as we’re reminded once again that the dog show is on CNBC.  I watched the Puppy Bowl last Sunday, I’m not watching another damned thing with dogs.  Except maybe Scooby Doo.  Is Scooby Doo on?  No?  I’m stuck watching RAW?  Damn.  Kingston controls this match, since he got the jump on Jericho at the end of the debate, but Jericho turns the tide with a powerbomb.  Jericho catches a flying Kofi in the Wall of Jericho, but Kingston makes it to the ropes.  Jericho argues with the referee, and Jericho turns around for the second time tonight into a Trouble in Paradise.  Kofi scores a two as Jericho gets his foot on the rope.  Jericho hits a thumb to the eye and drills Kingston with the Codebreaker to pick up the victory in our opening contest.

Winner:  Chris Jericho

Shawn Michaels is wandering around backstage, and he runs into…. Triple H!  DX embrace as we find out that tonight we’ll see Randy Orton bore us to death take on The Big Show.

<COMMERCIAL BREAK>

John Cena is backstage talking to Zack Ryder, who is only here to give flowers to Eve.  Cena tells him that Kane will come after him to get to Cena.  Cena tells Ryder to stay here in Cena’s locker room and he’ll go get Eve.

Elsewhere, David Otunga tells John Laurinaitis that he’s not the permanent General Manager of RAW.  Laurinaitis never thought of it that way.  Otunga says he has an idea that can make Johnny Ace the permanent GM of not only RAW, but Friday Night SmackDown as well.

This Past Friday:  Big Show got Randy Orton disqualified, which led to an altercation between Orton and Show.  After the show went off the air, Big Show chokeslammed Orton in the middle of the ring.

DANIEL BRYAN IS HERE!  YES!  YES!!  YES!!!  The World Heavyweight Champion is in the house!

<COMMERCIAL BREAK>

Michael Cole calls Daniel Bryan “The wonderful World Heavyweight Champion.”  Yes.  That happened.  You know what else is happening?  I’m starting to get tempted to tune into the dog show.   Randy Boreton is in action.

Randy Orton vs. The Big Show

This is the problem.  Randy Orton has John Cena syndrome.  The WWE brass love the guy, and he sells merch, but it’s the SAME DAMNED THING every week with this guy.  Just like Cena.  Stop shoving him down our throat.  And you’ve got him in the ring with The Big Show.  Look, Show is a hell of an athlete, especially for a guy his size, but he’s not going to make a Randy Orton match entertaining, at least not to me.  Hell, even with a guy the size of The Big Show, I almost instinctively typed “Randy Orton def. The Big Show”  as the title to this segment of this review.  Show goes over to Bryan, who points him in the direction of the ring.  Orton dropkicks Show and then does the elevated DDT on The Big Show.  Yes, you read that right.  Even against a guy the size of The Big Show, Orton has to get all his spots in.   He botches the RKO, and has to do it a second time, but it’s irrelevant as Bryan caves Orton’s skull in with the World Heavyweight Championship.  He allows The Big Show to suffer the same fate, and it’s Daniel Bryan that stands tall at the end of  this match.

Winner:  No Contest

Shawn Michaels is up next!

<COMMERCIAL BREAK>

Dear WWE, I hear just about enough Nickelback when I watch RAW, they don’t need to do the Elimination Chamber theme too.

Here he comes to save the show!!  The HeartBreak Kid, Shawn Michaels, one of the greatest ever, is here!  Cole calls him the greatest in-ring competitor of all time, and I simply cannot disagree with that statement.  He was hoping Triple H would accept The Undertaker’s challenge last week, and was shocked when that didn’t happen.  Shawn assumes that Triple H is just baiting The Undertaker, and as such, he wants The Game to come out and tell everybody that he’s really going to accept the challenge.

Time to wear a suit…  TIME TO WEAR A SUUUUUUUIIIIITTTTTTT!  Triple H obliges HBK and comes to the ring.  They do the DX pose, and Triple H says that it’s great to see HBK.  As great as that is, he’s not going to be facing The Undertaker at WrestleMania this year.  He reiterates that he’s not willing to do what he has to do to end the streak, he’s not that guy anymore.  HBK disagrees.  Triple H is a closer, he ends careers, he steps on throats and has no mercy.  He has no compassion.  That’s why he’s The Game.  Is the suit who Triple H is now?  HBK gives the BWF line of the night…

“Are you telling me, that you married that chick, and now you became one of them?”

Ouch!  HBK asks if Triple H is a corporate sellout.  Triple H says it’s not being a sellout, it’s called investing in the future.  He says HBK can’t understand it.  HBK says it’s tough for him to possibly understand Triple H’s deep, philosophical business life.  He says that when a man challenges you and you back down, that makes you a coward.  Shawn says he doesn’t care how nice Triple H dresses it up, how much money he wraps around it, at the end of the day, a coward is still a coward.  Triple H tries to leave, and HBK says to walk away because that’s what a coward does.  Triple H says that HBK can’t understand what’s going on.  Triple H has responsibilities.  All of this (the WWE) is going to be his, and that responsibility weighs on his shoulders even now.  For years he looked at him as an opponent, but he can’t look at him that way anymore.  He sees him now as a brand that’s good for business, and ending that would be bad for business.  HBK, Triple H, and The Undertaker are the end of an era of a different breed.  Smash-mouth style that doesn’t exist anymore.  Triple H says he’s not going to be the one to end that era.  The Undertaker is all that’s left, and Triple H refuses to end that.  HBK says that it was an awesome speech, and he’s sure it works on a lot of people.  He likes the consistent little jab at him, but he’s at peace where he is in his life, but Triple H has no peace.  HBK asks Triple H to look him in the eye and tell him he doesn’t want to end the streak.  If I were Triple H, I’d say “which eye?”  Triple H is above that though, he tries to walk away again.  HBK won’t let him leave.  H-cubed takes off his jacket and stares Shawn directly in the eyes and says “no.”  HBK looks very disappointed at this and walks away.  Now THIS, my friends, is how  you do a talk segment on a wrestling show.  Triple H goes to leave, but the bell tolls and the lights go out.  On the Titan-Tron, Undertaker is watching clips from last year, with audio from last week’s promo playing.  Undertaker says “This is not over, vengeance.  I will get what I want.  Keep your pity, give me what is mine.  Immortality.”  Interesting to note that The Undertaker is cutting his hair off throughout this promo.

<COMMERCIAL BREAK>

Still to come, The Miz takes on CM Punk, and Kane calls out John Cena.  But right now…

Dolph Ziggler vs. R-Truth

Two great in-ring talents are about to go at it.  Glad to see Truth didn’t suffer any kind of injuries after last week’s botch.  Ziggler throws the best dropkicks in the business.  Prove me wrong.  Ziggler shows off a bit too much, and Truth rolls him up while he’s doing sit-ups and scores the pinfall victory!

Winner:  R-Truth

Back in Cena’s locker room, Santino barges in on Zack Ryder.  He talks to Ryder about love.  He gives him some tips.  He says Ryder’s breath needs deodorant.  Santino gives him a prototype of the Santino Marella breath strips.  They’re garlic flavored.

<COMMERCIAL BREAK>

Beth Phoenix is at ringside, and she’ll be facing Tamina Snuka at Elimination Chamber.

Tamina Snuka vs. Brie Bella

Yes, they’re calling her Tamina Snuka now.  Brie Bella gets the early upper hand in this match, but it doesn’t last long.  Nikki gets hit with a Tamina headbutt, but Brie can’t take advantage of the distraction.  Tamina nails her with the Superfly Splash and picks up the win in a quick match.

Winner:  Tamina Snuka

Beth stands up and glares at Tamina, who glares back.  Looking forward to this one on Sunday.

Backstage, John Cena, who you will remember is supposed to be bringing Eve to Zack Ryder, is standing around chatting with Josh Matthews.  We’re going to see the 20 minute Rock video package when we get back, and then we’ll have Cena’s reaction.

<COMMERCIAL BREAK>

Video package:  Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson was on all the talk shows this week to plug his terrible new movie.  They didn’t show him saying “Bullshit” on ESPN though.

I skip forward about 10 minutes and the video package is still on.  Cole and King plug The Rock’s new movie, and they throw it to Josh Matthews who is with John Cena.  Cena doesn’t get a word in when he hears screaming.  Eve is getting into the ambulance on her own, and Kane closes the door when Cena comes after him.  Kane easily takes out Cena, and then drives off in the ambulance, but not before Eve can escape.  Then Cena makes out with Eve.  He asks what that was for, and then we see that Ryder saw the whole thing.

<COMMERCIAL BREAK>

Ryder is angry and wheeling himself out of the arena.  Eve begs to let him explain.  She says she was thinking of the moment, and she kissed Cena for rescuing her.  She tells Ryder she cares about him, but that she never thought they’d be together.  She just wants to be friends.  Sgt.  Slaughter chinned skank bitch.

The Miz vs. CM Punk

“Poor Zack” is the number one trending topic on Twitter.  I hope Kane kills Eve and Cena.  I know it’s a storyline on TV, but dammit, I care about the Zack Ryder character!  Alright, there’s a match going on, which means… RANT TIME!  Why is there so much heat on The Miz?  The Miz killed the Survivor Series buy rate?  Ever stop to think nobody wants to see The Rock anymore?  Or Cena in a main event that overshadows the WWE AND World Heavyweight Championship matches?  Yeah, he screwed up last week when he missed the catch on R-Truth, but dude, this guy does all the talk shows and anything else you’ll let him do.  He’s charismatic, and he carried this show while he was the WWE Champion last year.  The guy is talented in the ring and on the microphone, and he makes for a great ambassador for the product when you send him out to do promotions.  Rant over.  Punk seems to have hurt his hand at some point during this match, but he holds his own.  He hits the Macho Man elbow, and waits for The Miz to get up.  He goes for the GTS, but Miz reverses into a Skull-Crushing Finale attempt, which Punk, in turn, reverses into an Anaconda Vise for the victory!

Winner:  CM Punk

Backstage, Jericho is watching with a grin on his face.

Elsewhere backstage, the ambulance is backing back into the arena.

<COMMERCIAL BREAK>

John Cena, that douchebag, enters the arena.  Boo, Cena, you suck!  He says it was a bit of an awkward moment.  He tried to apologize to Zack Ryder, who wouldn’t listen.  He says he’s sorry.  This was Kane’s plan all along.  To turn Cena’s friends against him, turn the WWE Universe against him, to leave him with no other choice but to embrace the hate.  Pretty solid plan, sounds like it would’ve worked if it were anybody else, but Cena isn’t anybody else (he’s Superman).  There are those who think Cena will get to his breaking point and just snap.  The fans chant “We all hate you.”  Cena says it’s been like 6 years.  People can’t understand he’s comfortable in his own skin.  He’s proud to be who he is and do what he does.  People don’t get that he rises above hate.  People think that makes him soft and take it as kindness.  He has a message for those people and Kane.  Continue to think he’s going to embrace the hate.  Keep thinking he’s some “cream-puff Fruity Pebble with lady parts who can’t fight his way out of a paper bag.”  (“Fruity Pebble” chant breaks out.)  He’ll continue to do what he does.  He’ll adapt, overcome, and win.  You have his word that Kane will leave in an ambulance this Sunday at Elimination Chamber, and as for Dwayne….  Zack Ryder wheels himself to the stage and walks with crutches down the ramp to the ring. He swats the mic out of John Cena’s hand and slaps the taste out of his mouth.  Cena takes off his dog tags and t-shirt.  Ryder says Cena was never his friend.  Ryder goes to slap Cena again, but Cena blocks it and knocks Ryder down.  Probably on accident, but nobody seems to care about that.  Ryder tells Cena to stay away from him as he rolls out of the ring and uses his crutches to walk back up the aisle.  Kane appears on the tron.  He says Cena is in denial.  Cena can talk about who he is and how he’ll rise above hate, but he stole the one true love of his only friend.  Kane thought he was sick, but Cena sunk to depths that Kane would never think of.  Cena has truly embraced the hate.  Unfortunately for him, Kane feeds off of hate.  This Sunday will be the last time anybody will see Cena in a WWE ring until WrestleMania.  His body and soul will be leaving the WWE in an ambulance.  Before Kane leaves, he wants a round of applause for John Cena.  The crowd obliges.  Cena grabs another mic, but Kane tosses Ryder, wheelchair and all, off of the stage and into a heap on the floor.  Eve comes out to check on Ryder to a resounding chorus of boos.  Ryder is stretchered out of the arena again as RAW goes off the air.

My thoughts:  Meh.  This episode showed us the right and wrong ways to present a non-wrestling segment on a show.  Elimination Chamber debate:  WRONG.  HBK/HHH:  RIGHT!  Cena/Ryder/Kane:  Not terrible.  Ryder’s bump on the arena floor looked sick though, especially when they showed it in slo-mo.  Alright, enough RAW for me for one night.  Later folks!

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