RYTMANS RAW REVIEW 07/10/2012By RYTMAN · · Leave a Comment
We open w/a recap of last week’s main event, when AJ put the WWE heavyweight champion and his no.1 contender through a table. We get a bonus recap of the double make-out on Smackdown.
Live @ the Pepsi Center in Denver and we open with “the most controversial figure in the WWE today,” AJ in the ring.
CROWD: YES! YES! YES!
AJ is “overwhelmed” and “very emotional” over the realization that her actions as special guest ref @ Money in The Bank in the WWE championship can “greatly affect the outcome.”
SIDE NOTE: DUH
With that in mind, she asks us to welcome WWE champion CM Punk.
“They named a clock after her, Coo-Coo.” – Jerry Lawler
Punk asks what this is all about. AJ responds that last Friday on Smackdown, Punk showed her his true feelings when her called her “mentally unstable” and in “need of professional help.”
SIDE NOTE: You think that’s the same thing he tried w/Beth Phoenix?
She doesn’t need professional help and is in full control of her mental facilities at all times. (Yeah)
CROWD: AJ’S PREGNANT! (OR GET HER PREGNANT)
AJ however was moved by the sentiment for her.
CROWD: AJ’S PREGNANT!
No one has ever cared about her, let alone shown compassion or care like he did. She knew it when she kissed him she knew what she had to do. His eyes send love straight into her heart. He fills her up with passion and desire. He turns her on.
CROWD: YES! YES! YES!
“And now, I know… what I have to do.” – AJ
AJ goes down… on ONE KNEE!
“CM Punk, will you marry me?” – AJ
Cue: DANIEL BRYAN
NO! NO! NO! Shouts Bryan, YES! YES! YES! Shouts the crowd
Bryan cannot let her do this. Punk never loved her, he only cares about himself. Bryan never stopped caring about her. Punk is just playing her.
Punk tells Bryan to shut up. He doesn’t know anything about him. Bryan dares Punk to say yes, when he doesn’t, Bryan gets down on one knee and asks AJ…
“Will you marry me?” – Daniel Bryan
Punk calls this a load of crap, calls Bryan out on not having a ring, and tries to get AJ to go talk with him. Bryan tells him not to talk down to her, and this isn’t about Punk, it’s between AJ and him.
Guess who chimes in?
Cue: Lights and beeps.
“Can I have your attention please?” – Michael Cole
Yeppers, it’s the anonymous GM, in charge tonight. Cole makes a production out of unveiling the GM podium. And he quotes. He thinks Punk and AJ make a cute couple, and books them in a mixed tag against Bryan and Eve. Bryan protests, but the GM suggests that if he wins tonight, maybe AJ will see him in a different light. Either way, good luck to all of you.
This entire thing has gotten confusing (no duh.) AJ figures everyone has been taken by surprise, and decides they should take some time to think. She believes everything happens for a reason and she’s sure to leave tonight with her future husband.
WWE SLAM OF THE WEEK
Last week on Smackdown, Alberto Del Rio tried to have someone thrown out of the building for not having his papers. Sheamus runs out after him, and gets his head slammed in the hood of a car.
WORLD CHAMPION SHEAMUS VS JACK SWAGGER
This was a disappointing squash with Swagger getting the least possible offense. It ends w/Sheamus hitting the “white noise” and the Baroque kick.
The celebration is broken up by a car horn. Alberto Del Rio is on the tron, cutting a short/sweet promo. Jack Swagger is not Alberto Del Rio. No one is Alberto Del Rio. Last week, he did what no one has done before, left him like a dying perone(?) And this Sunday, he will beat him to become the World Heavyweight Champion. Del Rio drives off, Swagger takes another Baroque kick, and Sheamus stands defiant.
Backstage: Santino Morella congratulates Zack Ryder on winning the Battle Royal to become Smackdown GM for a night. Zack promises to have WAY more personality that the computer. Santino announces his plans to find the GM with his “Sherlock Holmes starter kit.”
I actually typed that.
Santino puts on the hat, pops the pipe in his mouth, and takes off looking at everything through the magnifying glass.
We’re back, and we get breaking news. The Rock has
announced that he’ll be at the 1000th RAW in two weeks and will be going after the WWE championship.
TENSAI AND ZIGGLER VS CHRISTIAN AND TYSON KIDD
This is a quickie tag w/Vicki on commentary. The match is less than five minutes and ends with a win for Tensai and Ziggler, followed by Tensai brutalizing Kidd on the outside.
WINNERS: TENSAI AND ZIGGLER
Michael Cole and Jerry Lawler get into an argument over who should be permanent GM. It gets pretty heated, and Cole spills water on Jerry.
Cue: Anonymous GM
Cole goes to read the announcement, but then decides not to, so Jerry reads it. The GM makes a Wrestlemania rematch – Michael Cole vs. Jerry Lawler. Cole throws a hissy fit, so the GM chimes back in. He’s going to let the WWE universe decided if this match goes down or not, by voting at WWE.com.
DID YOU KNOW: It would take you 5 ½ years to watch one hour of every RAW ever made every day.
Why would you do that?
We get a promo for the Cole vs. Lawler poll, followed by Brodus Clay and the Funka-dactyls making their entrance.
BRODUS CLAY VS DREW MACINTYRE
Drew makes a big deal of not noticing the girls. The match goes less than three minutes and ends with Drew going sternum first into Brodus Clay’s head.
WINNER: BRODUS CLAY
Backstage: Santino accuses Jericho of being the Anonymous GM. Jericho counters suggesting Santino could be the GM. Santino considers this for a second then dismisses it.
Enter Big Show
Jericho reminds Show of their time as a tag team and tries to sell him on taking out Cena and Kane tonight. Show says “save it,” citing his time in “Jeri-show” as some of the most embarrassing moments of his career. He wants to try something different.
“How about you stay out of my way, and I won’t knock you out?”- Big Show
MONDAY NIGHT’S MOST MEMORIBLE MOMENTS – For Stephanie McMahon, it’s the night she and Triple H were supposed to renew their wedding vows, ending in Triple H humiliating her and smashing the set, after finding out she faked her pregnancy.
Cena hits the ring. He knows, he feels exactly what we feel, he knows what we know, in six days the world will witness Money in The Bank. Winston Churchill once said:
“If you plan on going through hell, you might as well keep going.” John Cena
That’s what MiTB is all about, high risk, unbelievable reward. In six days, even the nicest people become ruthless with opportunity literally hanging over your head. This is the event that changes the landscape of the WWE. Cena stands by his word. Number one, Big Show will be stopped by his hand. Number two, John will do whatever he has to, to win MiTB.
JOHN CENA/KANE VS BIG SHOW/JERICHO
Kane hits the pyro and makes his entrance, followed by Jericho and Big Show. Sunday will be Kane’s sixth MiTB match. We get a recap of Show defeating Kane last week with the spear.
Pretty basic back and forth tag match. Jericho and Cena trade holds and take downs, while the big guys do the brawling. Show tags Cena from behind, and Cena is in trouble.
Show dominates Cena in the corner. Cena goes for a slam but goes down for two. Cena tries to fight back but Show gets him in a bear hug. Cena gets a belly to back suplex on the show and tags in Kane who takes over on Show with a low dropkick and a DDT. Show hits a spear for a two count and tags in Jericho. Jericho beats down Kane in the corner, and chokes him on the ropes. Jericho distracts the ref and Show gets in a cheap shot.
We come back, with Jericho controlling Kane. Kane hits a side slam and makes a tag. Cena goes wild on Jericho, gets a shot on Show, escapes the walls of Jericho and hits the AA on Jericho. Show pulls Cena out of the ring by his ankle and sends him into the guard rail. He takes out Kane and brings two big ladders into the ring. Show takes out Jericho and Kane with the ladders, then traps Jericho in a ladder and squashes him. Cena makes the save with a ladder of his own, and fights off Big Show.
WINNERS BY DQ: CENA AND KANE
We get a recap of AJ proposing to CM Punk, Bryan proposing to AJ, and AJ feeling she’s going to walk out of this arena with her future husband. We get a promo for AJ/Punk vs. Bryan/Eve and one for the WWE.com poll for Lawler vs. Cole.
DID YOU KNOW: RAW has aired more episodes than… a lot of shows.
Backstage: Punk is stretching when Eve walks up to him. She actually plays a pretty effective head game with Punk, mentioning how vindictive AJ can be towards people she thinks have wronged her, and how that might cost Punk his title if he doesn’t agree to marry her. She also comments on how tough it must be to be overshadowed. Cena, Rock, even Brock Lesnar is one thing, but AJ? Eve wishes Punk “good luck” and walks off. Punk is miffed.
Santino is still playing detective. He finds a cell-phone that he thinks is the GM’s. The Great Kahli grabs the phone. Santino and Kahli do a bit of “comedy” that ends with Santino walking off.
Sin Cara makes his big entrance just as we go to…
SIN CARA VS HEATH SLATER
Side Note: Kofi/R-truth (tag champs) vs. Hunico/Camacho on the pre-show this Sunday.
Heath actually manages to look good here for a while, overpowering Cara. Cara is too fast and agile however, and hits the head-scissors/face-plant combo.
WINNER: SIN CARA
After the match, Slater demands any former champion in the back, come out and face him.
Cue Bob Backlund
Bob comes out in his crew cut and blue trunks. He spends most of his time playing to the crowd and doing his weird, crawling walk move. He offers Heath a handshake, but Heath takes a cheap shot. Heath goes for a clothesline, but Bob hooks the cross-face chicken wing, and Slater taps out.
While Bob celebrates, Cole requests our attention. We’re going to the poll results right now!
75% to 25%
Cole goes off on the fans as we go to…
We’re back, and Booker T and Josh Mathews are calling this match
MICHAEL COLE VS JERRY LAWLER
Cole tries to take a powder, but Booker puts him back in the ring. Lawler gets an airplane spin and sets Cole down on his feet. Cole falls over and Lawler gets the three-count.
The Anonymous GM reverses the decision due to outside interference from Booker.
Santino comes out, claiming the GM is under the ring. The GM denies it, and orders Santino out of the ring. Santino goes under the ring, something grabs him and he yells for Jerry. With Jerry’s help, the GM is revealed as… Hornswoggle. Back in the ring, Lawler threatens to take him over his knee. Hornswoggle stomps Lawler’s toe, bites Santino on the butt, and kicks Cole in the shin before swoggling off.
Yeah, that happened.
Back from commercial, we get a reminder that Zack Ryder will be GM of Smackdown this Friday and Cole tries to patch things up with Jerry, to no avail
EVE/BRYAN VS AJ/PUNK
Here’s a shock for you, AJ and Eve actually wind up carrying this match. They give us a decent five minutes of roughhousing before Bryan walks out on Eve, letting AJ get the pin.
AJ gets in some pretty vicious shots on Eve.
WINNERS: AJ AND CM PUNK
Bryan, claiming this proves AJ means more to him than any match, offers to take her out to be married right now. Punk tells AJ he’s just using her to be WWE champion. He lays it all on the line and tells AJ he’s NOT gonna marry AJ, and he apologizes for hurting her, but at least he cares enough about her to tell the truth.
AJ responds with a slap to Punk’s face.
Bryan calls AJ home, AJ responds with a slap to HIS face.
AJ does the “YES” chant and skips off, leaving the two men confused.
On that, we close out.
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