Home ▸ SmackDown ▸ Smackdown 01/17/14

It’s that time…

Hopping time!

“I watch, write, suffer, and succumb to this show, yet have to remind myself of what happened only minutes after each episode. It could be worse. An animated gif in 2014 could be lagging out your computer or personal device. LOL. Fuck the Wonderpod review.”

– In memory of Johnnie Mae Young, 1923 – 2014.

– Oh shit. Miz is joining commentary this week. Review over. Good night!

– Oh you didn’t know? You better call somebody! Yep, the New Age Outlaws are back. Can’t complain. But this match up is kind of odd. [ThinkSoJoE, that’s your cue. J.T., try not to cut off Jorge].

– Billy let’s the crowd say “Suck it” because PG-TV? You see, straws are highly offensive, and nobody uses them. Rather, we scoop our slurpees out of our cups with our fingers and into our human mouths.

Mark: Are we doing Bored Wrestling Fan Theatre this week?
Jorge: I don’t know. Usually G finds a way to put everyone in the same place for that to happen.
Mark: Don’t we have Gary Barnidge on this week? How is this going to work?
Jorge: Work? I’m not doing any work. We don’t get paid for this!
Clone G: I do.
Mark: What?
Jorge: How are you even here, G? What the fuck?
Clone G: Meanwhile…

– * Non-Title Match: Cody Rhodes & Goldust {C} vs. The New Age Outlaws. So because The NAO’s walked out on CM Punk, they are heels now. I guess. 3/4 old smarks agree, it’s like 1998 or something. J.T. is seen in the audience holding up Chyna who shoots T-shirts out of her thumb gun at Marlena in attempts to put out her cigar. K-Kwiq runs in, and lights up a cigarette while a British fan teleports in from the mid-2000’s and screams, “THAT’S ILLEGAL!” at him. I think he’s Mark’s pal, since all British people know each other, just like in Canada. It’s a Commonwealth thing. They begin to have a decent match, but then Vickie Guerrero interrupts and let’s us know that in the Royale With Cheese Rumble, friends and foes will collide… as well as brother against brother. This distraction allows William Gunn to roll up Goldustin for a cheap win.

Come on, Jason Garrison, it’s hard enough explaining to people why I like wrestling. Jesus.

– Renee Young talks to Punk about rumors that Punk is calling out The Shield. Yep, rumor confirmed.

– Paul Heyman is seen talking to some dude, and takes the long and winding road to the ring as we go to commercials. WATCH HIM WALK FOR A COUPLE MINUTES ON THE APP!

Babality!.

– Paul is advocating for Brick Layer who thrown around by The Big Show. Paul plays off the crowd and builds all the heat he can to convince us we want to see this match again. Heyman assures us, this is a war and Show will lose. Big Show eventually makes his way out and runs off Heyman, reminding him why the two heels should run in fear and hacks into the media truck with his WWE App shopzone exclusive. Show promises to knock Brock Lesnar out at the RR. Then he’s going to take him out for ice cream and some go-kart action.

– Eva Marie lets us know something is coming up later, because she’s useless.

I think we can all relate to this.

– * Alberto Del Rio vs. Rey Mysterio. Back to this again? Oh well, at least the two tend to have decent matches together. I shouldn’t complain, the in ring element has been limited tonight thus far. It’s not like my apartment is on fire again either, so there’s that. Mysterio is looking pretty healthy (for him), and the two work a quick hard style here. There’s a so many solid spots, I can’t even try to keep up. After a number of high flying near falls, Mysterio hits the 619, but can’t Drop The Dime, as Del Rio gets his knees up. The battle catches up to both men, and a weary Del Rio attempts to hit a superkick, which Mysterio dodges and picks up the win with a roll up. Post match, the infuriated heel beats off (Cocktalk, every Sunday, 2PM EST at BWF dot com), and puts an “armbar” on Rey.

– * Naomi vs. Tamina Snuka. Before the match happens, Naomi and Cameron dance in the ring, and Emma is seen in the audience again. I suspect now this is somehow how they are calling her up. Tamina channels her inner brute, and goons out on Naomi. The match gets taken outside, and AJ and Cameron get involved. This allows Naomi to prevail. The most interesting thing here was Emma continuing to appear.

– Tribute to Mae Young. Classy, and awesome. R.I.P.

– Then they self-fellate over the announcement of the WWE Netflix. Ever Brazzer’s live event ever. I’m stoked.

That was one of my favorite episodes too.

– Just when you thought there wasn’t enough videos, we get the whole Bray Wyatt/Daniel Bryan package as well. Yay? FFW for all!

J.T.: I can’t believe I’m back in this damned chair again.
Joe: At least you got a chair. All I got was this stool.
Gary: I was wondering Joe, what am I actually participating in here? And is that Charles Barkley in the corner? I thought I was here to talk about the Royal Rumble.
Joe: Well, you see G is Canadian, and therefore he is borderline insane.
J.T.: We’re all kidnapped in some kind of delusional reality storyline he has going in his Smackdown reviews.
J.T. Hogan: I invented delusional reality storylines brother!
Gary: So this is written by Vince Russo? What did I agree to exactly?
Joe: I don’t know. Sorry about the fact he put you in the Iron Maiden.
J.T.: Most people would be honored in be in Iron Maiden.
Gary: Meanwhile…
G [From upstairs]: HEY! THAT’S MY LINE

– Ok. Then the Wyatt Family make their eerie, lamp illuminated way to the thing culminating with the crowd chanting for Daniel Bryan. As a child, all Bray wanted was to be powerful like his father. He tried to be just like him, but failed in Accounting. And his father was never there for him as Ted wouldn’t give him vacation time. And Uncle Virgil made him set up tables and velvet ring ropes at various trade shows. But nobody ever came. NOBODY EVER CAME! NOT EVEN ONE PERSON! Sister Abigail gave him power and showed him the way. But once again he was deceived, this time by D-Bry, playah. Hollah! Actually this is a great promo, and some of what I said was true. Very charismatic, this Bray fellow, as he cuts one of his best rants to date. Bryan had his chance, but for his actions, he will burn.

– Punk chills with Renee again. Now he’s calling out The Shield AND The New Age Outlaws, cause you know, “Best for Business”. Is this about those fucking Ice Cream Bars still, Punk? HHH let you wear his jagoff jacket, Jack, that one time the WWE roster walked out on RAW! Come on man! Smarks complained on the Internet! THAT’S WHAT THEY DO!!! EVEN MARK HENRY IS WATCHING FROM HOME AND TWEETING ABOUT IT! JOHN CENA FOUND THE IWC THIS WEEK, AND EVEN HE TWEETED ABOUT IT! I don’t see exactly where this is going, and by that I mean this paragraph. Back from commercials!

– Actually, it’s that Punk thinks The Authority wants to shut him up so he is committing suicide essentially.

– The Bellas say Dong a bunch in a Eva Marie type thingy.

“LeBroning:” is the latest trend sweeping the youth of the world…

– * Non-Title Match: Big. E. Smalls {C} vs. Fanny-Pac in a no-rapper-gets-out-of-the-mid-nineties-alive match. Fandango rocks the Zubaz pants, which inspires Sergei Zubov to come out of retirement and steal said pants from Fandango and rejoin The Dallas Stars. Mike Ribero notices this simularity and demands to be moved, and return to Dallas so he can wear his Ribera Steakhouse Jacket on the ice. That DamnDoubleC is crushed when both are moved to the San Jose Sharks in exchange for a magic skate. No beanstalk grows in the Stars’ arena, crushing the hopes of the Australian hockey fan, and the Sharks go on to win a Stanley Cup with Finnish gold medalist goalie, Antti Niemi. See, I think that team probably is going to steal the medal in Sochi. And as for ThatDamnDoubleC, see! I snuck in some hockey talk. Also, I snuck in some Kharma. I hope the WWE sneaks in some Kharma in the Royal Rumble. What I hope they don’t sneak in at the PPV, is non-title matches because those fucking suck my balls. Anyways…

Jorge: What’s the deal here then, are we going to G’s apartment balcony?
Mark: I stole a giant green boot from some Italian plumber. I think his name was Marshall or something like that. Turns out he is Luger’s brother.
Clone G: Typical. The favorite son gets a bus, the other brother gets a single sock.
Mark: SHRIEK!!!
Jorge: Boots to monkeys?
Clone G: ummm… meanwhile?

– Ok, tangent aside, I was impressed by this match. Fandango is allowed to work as a strong opponent. Smalls sells, and helps elevate the fellow I enjoyed watching on NXT way back prior to the move to Full Sail University. There is nothing wrong with this bout, and honestly, it’s worth a look. Ultimately, Big E. seems to barely prevail with a lucky opportunity to hit his finisher. I wouldn’t be surprised to see a title match as part of the PPV card in some capacity. The title should ALWAYS be on the line, though, unless explained in the story why it is not. It was not. Just saying, not hating.

– Did you know: The Warrior of Ultimatish Univeral Cosmic Space Travel will take all the little Warriors into the challenge of surviving the challenge before them of semantics and rhetoric that precedes him, to no avail, and without adverse consequences? The beast of the labyrinth will rise up to defeat the demons within, and the myriad of uncertainty will be left unknown to all, but the power of the Warrior will prevail? Did you know? What are the odds he gets blown up running down to make his acceptance speech?

Merely a dog riding a turtle. Nothing else.

Gary: I play for the Cleveland Browns, I don’t have time for this. Come on Chuck, we’re out of here.
J.T.: Wait, you guys can just leave the depths of G’s apartments like that? I’ve been stuck off and on here for like a year?!?!
Gary: Pro athletes don’t mess around, maybe we’ll catch you two later. Girl bye!
Joe: Charles never seems to say anything to us, or even react when we talk to him… Maybe if I stick with DDP Yoga the Sabres will sign me. They’re mediocre enough, I just might too become a pro athlete and be able to escape too!
J.T.G: Meanwhile….

– Pekka Rinne interviews the Shield about who is starting for Finland as a member of The Shield in Sochi. Dean Ambrose thinks he will start. Seth Rollins thinks he’ll get the start. Reigns notes he is going to be the number one starter, but all of the three are going to be in the finals and remain united because it’s all about the gold medal at the Olympics. BELIEVE IN THE FINLAND!

I see your dog-riding-a-turtle, and raise you a bird riding a lizard, jerk.

– Did you know: “Queering ain’t right. Be a star? Make a wish? This is going to be interesting”

– I take a break and watch the start of The Hulk from 2003. I keep watching because Jennifer Connelly is in it. Damn she is hot. I switch back to Smackdown, and they are whoring out the WWE Network again. Then I remember a previous film Connelly was in, and what happens to her character at the end of Requiem For A Dream. There’s still 30 minutes left… I hope that’s not a metaphor.

Jorge: Hold on while I tap on the balcony door here…
G: What’s up?
Mark: Not much, no Network announcements or Jack the Snake sightings this week.
Jorge: Was that Gary Barnidge I saw leaving out the front door?
Mark: With Barkley?
J.T. Clone G: Don’t mind me, I’m just returning to the crawl space.
Mark: Shriek!!
G: I… sure, ok clone boy. And yeah, that’s corrent. Oh… he took all of the snacks too, sorry guys.
Jorge: Even your scab collection?
G: Yep.
Mark: Meanwhile….

– Aksana tells us about a match, great.

– * The Usos vs. The Real Americans. Zeb Coulter is in a wheelchair because Big Show attacked him on RAW. I don’t even remember that happening. They show the WoMD. Coulter is angry, and since he’s from the land of giants, he should be deported? Nah, he wants Brock to fuck up his shit. The crowd doesn’t seem to know who is the faces here. Neither does the WWE in what they show us. Sigh. The wrestling is solid, but the story is convoluted. Fuck it, I’m out. FFW. One of the Usos lands a frogsplash on Jack Swagger and wins. At least an Uso rolled Mantell into Cesaro for a wheel-chair attack. It’s not a bad match, but without rhyme or reason, what’s the point?

Gary: Hey Charles, try some of these Ruffles All-Dressed Chips. Canadians might be insane, but damn… They have some amazing potato chips!
J.T. Barkley: Except Ketchup chips, those are terrible.

@Charles Barkley @G: “Legalize it.”

@G @Charles Barkley “What, abducting former basketball players, and keeping them locked in your apartment basement? I’m all for it. Barnidge is next. #JTG”

– Punk calls out 425,131,583 people match. He can call out every wrestler ever, but that doesn’t matter. When he talks, it’s power. And that is what matters. The Authority means HHH. The crowd is all over this, and Punk notes that HHH hides behind his wife to persue his personal agenda… then he is cut off by The Shield. They come from the concourse and hand out popcorn and stale Barrett Barrage Energy Bars to the crowd. Then The New Age Outlaws make their way from the stage handing out expired somas to WWE legends. All of them want to give Punk a big hug, but Kane will have none of it. He has a tie now after all and tells them to “stand down”. He calls for clear heads to prevail. Punk looks to want to stab someone with a microphone. I have a wierd feeling he has trouble cutting a steak. Paul Hogan stands at ringside shaking his head with ThatDamnDoubleC. Kane promises that The Authority will not fuck with Punk. So Punk calls Kane a sell-out. Kane sics the five on him, but then chokeslams the dude himself. Redties have magical powers that can summon flames from ringposts, afterall.

I criticize because I care. I did enjoy the show. I wouldn’t watch if I didn’t love this shit.

The WWE logo comes up, and I’m out.

Tell me I’m a retard on Twitter! Yes, you can mock me on social media now here: @GoftheInternet

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Joe continues not to notice this section. 😀 It’s like a Talking Heads song or something. 4 weeks and counting. He was warned.

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WTF?

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Sept 6, 2013. I am a clone of G. I am currently handcuffed to one of the lower legs of G’s sofa in his apartment. Yesterday, while the real G was at work, monkey nearby shrieked at me to attempt to lift the sofa. It worked! I went to thank the monkey located in an open-doored cage on the stairs leading down to the basement of G’s basement apartment, and noticed a large man strapped into a chair in the basement. I then heard the original G returning home. I need to find his magical device that created me…

Sept 13, 2013. The real Gee has noticed my writing. That stupid fuck hasn’t deleted anything, but he did taze me repeatedly. I still think there is a monkey held captive on the stairs to the second level of this building.
Sept 20, 2013. Made progress today. Discovered some kind of cloning device. I used it to clone the device itself, and hid the copy under the couch I am “hand-cuffed” to. The monkey saw this, but I don’t think he’ll say anything. He’s a monkey, after all. Some dude named Johnny Storm stopped by to say hi. Weird.

Sept 27, 2013. An obese man who claims to be famous magically appeared in the living room today. He told me the cloning gadget I made a copy of has the powers to do much more. Sounded like a bunch of crap to me. I immediately knocked him out and tied him up beside the one the “real” G calls “Barks.” Both look the same. I killed the new guy and fed him to the other captives. I think. They both look the same. All of that future-talk and preventing the death of kayfabe annoyed me. Either way, one of the “Barks” was dinner. He tasted like chicken. Big surprise there.

Oct 4, 2013. So I guess the guy I fed to his doppleganger was actually able to escape last week with help from that J.T. guy. He was screaming something about “his” chair. Either way, G is pissed and punished me all week. He said something about maybe sending me to Fall Camp. I decided to not make any decisive moves. It seems for the best. Just like the WWE, I guess, albeit “best” isn’t the “best” word I’d use to describe the product.

Oct 18, 2013. It’s been a while since I’ve been able to write here. G has been continually sending me off to ancient historical eras to collect random artifacts. I don’t understand why a stool sample from Henry Hudson is so important. And what was the point of leaving a smoke bomb in the front hall of the Palace of Versailles on May 6, 1682? I’m told I’m going to have to… gotta go. He’s home.

Nov. 8, 2013. I’ve been sent on a bunch of weird missions. The most weird was when G sent me back to 2008. See, I snuck former PM Tony Blair into Buckingham Palace and stapled old-people-face to his kind of already old-people-face. No one has noticed even until today. I still don’t understand why he made me do that.

Nov. 15, 2013. This last week was even more bizarre. He made me put on some suit and a red tie and shave my head, and then pretend to be in control of his weekly scab collecting group. I burst in, and told the vice president and current scab champion collector that I was in charge. We bickered back and forth for a while, and then G kicked in the door dressed in drag and began shrieking that since he was the vice president of the chess club next door he was taking over. Very odd.

Dec. 6, 2013: Charles Barkley recently abducted me and took me on a cruise ship with him. We circumvented the planet, stopping at various ports-of-call, and living the high life again. It was really awesome. Then sadly, today, I awoke only to find myself back on the couch of G’s apartment. Was it all a dream?

Dec. 13, 2013. Nope, not a dream. In fact somewhat of a nightmare. This week I was forced to go to work for G while he vigorously stayed home masturbating (I can only assume) and eating nachos. Work sucked. Firstly, I am not trained to do anything G actually does at his jobs, so I looked like a complete idiot. Oddly enough, some fellow who has a Bruce Springsteen complex and calls himself “The Boss” told me that my work had shown significant improvement today. I am pretty sure G’s jobs don’t involve a body count, though.

Dec 20, 2013. Just got back from a reconnaissance mission to infiltrate Charles Barkley’s place. G insisted I take the monkey from the open cage on the stairs with me. He told me the monkey was given special orders, and my job was to get the little guy into the house. I did as I was told. Once inside, the monkey went to every toilet in the house and proceeded to defecate inside the water tank of each one. I don’t know what G is feeding that monkey, but damn!

Dec 27, 2013. Shit, I’m tired. G outsourced me to that dude who always invades via the apartment balcony to deliver bass strings to the bass player children of the world the other day. Turns out, I fucked up and gave a bunch of five and six string bass player kids, four string packs, so he made me go out AGAIN the next day to fix the problem. Turns out, that for some reason, descending into people’s homes via chimney is only considered acceptable behaviour one night out of 365. Or at least, that’s what police officers in 45 countries on the planet seem to think. I have to go out again tonight, but I’m just going to drop molotovs down the chimney instead. Fuck getting arrested again.

Jan 10, 2014. G sent me to the year 2018 to find some lady. Turns out she was laughing historically on February 6th. I return with this information. Not a very exciting adventure, and then me and the monkey play a game called hide G’s sandwich. The crawl space is full of’em.

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Shameless Plugs!

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