Home ▸ SmackDown ▸ Smackdown 01/24/14: I think they seriously want to lose last minute PPV buys…

Smackdown will set the stage for this Sunday’s Royal Rumble PPV, a show that most people tune in for to watch the start of the “Road to WrestleMania”. Needless to say, being the last episode before this goes down, very little is expected to happen. This should be a fairly short review.

Hopping time…

“I watch, write, suffer, and succumb to this show, yet have to remind myself of what happened only minutes after each episode. That is how G’s Smackdown reviews work. And as J.T. Hogan has observed, it often makes more sense than the program you are actually watching. This is not a play-by-play recap, there’s enough of those online. This is a highly-opinionated take of the show in question. Often these reviews are read aloud on BWF Radio, a show that ThatDamnDoubleC hijacks and attempts to be funny in the show notes. He’s never funny. Also, go fuck yourself, RAW review”.

– In memory of George Scott, 1929-2014

– The Real Americans are in the ring, and Zeb Coulter is in a wheel chair because Big Show punched him out two weeks ago for reasons I don’t recall. Josh “One T” Mathews has replaced Mikhail Cole-mrade on commentary. Coulter makes some references to Rey Mysterio an illegal immigrant. And so I guess this is our first match…

– * The Real Americans vs. Big Show and Rey Mysterio. This build sure has me interested in purchasing the PPV. We are shown a bunch of Brock Lesnar clips building up The Show/Lesnar PPV match, which means this match here is irrelevant and meaningless. So they give it two segments. FILLER I TELL YOU. Actually looking at the whole non-spoiler card, this episode looks pointless. Quick and dirty review time…

– Decent match, Show jobs out the Real Americans with a double-double underarm hook, and Rey ices the cake with a 619 and Drops a Dime-bag onto Swaggers Bong-Buddy, Cesaro for the win.

A movie I never tire of watching just got the GTA V treatment, yo.

– Paul Heyman walks out to remind us that Brock is going to infiltrate the ring, and murder The Big Show.

– * Brodus Clay vs. The Miz. WHY? Then Bad News Barrett elevates up and whacks his gavel. He calls for decorum. He tells us we are all going to suffer through one of the worst matches in WWE history and tells the crowd to chant, “This is awful”. They do, because it’s true. Barrett continues to belittle this garbage for what it is throughout the match. Barrett’s comments distract Brodus, and Miz rolls him up. Then Miz tries to get at Wade, as the Brit mocks him being unable to get at him. What in the fuck was this?

You fucked up! Clap, clap, clap clap clap!

– The Royal Rumble By-the-Numbers segment version 1. Probably the best part of this episode of Smackdown. In all seriousness, I love these things.

– * Non-Title Match: AJ Lee {C} vs. Cameron. No match at the PPV. The title is not on the line. Total Divas is over for a while. Great. I stab my eye with a fork until I reach the juicy innards of my skull and the brain matter within. Suddenly I understand why this match is important! Oh wait, that was my clone. I quickly close him into a new clone (fully intact), and shit, I did the same thing to that clone. 7 clones later, I manage to keep one intact. AJ wins for some reason.

I’ve seen that before, KTHNX.

– Clips of the nut-hugger himself, Barrista, returns with David Otunga and Jimmy Wang Yang to split his pants, make the Randall Keith Orton shed a drop of motor oil, and teach ADR how to use Twitter.

– Shield promo airs… It’s Royal Rumble time, etc. It’s ok. Ambrose, as always, carries it. Reigns drops a claim that he is going to win the Rumble match and go to WrestleMania as Ambrose stares at him suspiciously. Yep, more dissension.

– * Ryback and Curtis Axel vs. Los Matadores. Remember these guys? No? Me neither. El Torito will be in the Royal Rumble. Bank on it. Curtis Axel scores the win for him team. Then El Torito gets some high spots in on the heels. Is this over yet? These matches are not terrible, but none of this is important to the storytelling at all.

Spiderman vs Iceman spoilers for this Sunday. Bobby wins!

– CM Punk comes out. Not that there’s anything wrong with that. The crowd pops. I forgot there was a crowd, and I can’t blame them. He feels being placed first into the Rumble is a way for the Authority to stack the deck against him, and that it means he cannot win. This serves just to motivate Punk more to win and headline WM. Punk has never won the Royal Rumble, the one thing missing from his resume. Punk does a good job riling up the crowd here, even though much of it is standard Punk promo material. Kane enters and feels Punk has a 0.0000001% chance according from the math homework his tutor Scott Steiner helped him with. Punk calls Kane SAWFT and questions his manhood. So Kane whips it out and begins urinating on the crowd as a metaphor for what the WWE gave this crowd for an episode of Smackdown.

Your hits are SAWFT.

– * The Primetime Players vs. Luke Harper and Erick Rowan. Don’t care, FFW. Luke Harper pins Darren Young. Post match enters, does his Crabtree Of Woe spot, and gives Young the Sister Abigail like he’s going on a double date with Erin Anderson and Richard Sherman. He then comments that we will not understand his actions at first, but he is going to change the world… then Daniel Bryan yells at him from the stage to listen to these people. They erupt into YES! chants as Bryan says he will no longer be trapped in the prison of Bray’s madness, rather, Bray will be trapped in the prison of Bryan’s madness. Miss Madness runs out, her shackles broken and attacks Shane Helms! Hardcore Holly tosses a scale painted black at the camera and the segment ends. Never forget.

Ashes, to ashes…

– Is this over yet? Nope.

– * Fandango vs. Kofi Kingston. Am I watching Superstars? Who booked tonight’s show? Dr. Stupid? No fucking idea why this match is happening either. At least Emma is at ringside with her gimmick mocking Summer Ray. I like both of these wrestlers. And they are provide a good match up. I hate being so negative, but this episode is beyond flat. Kofi wins in about four minutes or so.

Is the Royal Rumble here yet? No? Fuck.

– Fuck.

– * Goldust, Cody Rhodes, Big E Langston and The Uso vs. The Shield and The New Age Outlaws. Setting up the Youtube preshow match? HELL YEAH! This is actually a fun little match. And guess what? It actually has some relevance! Because of the nature of a ten man tag, it’s a lot of marquee spots by guys, but whatever. Smackdown is ending on a high note. The match explodes at the end as everyone “gets their shit in”. But it is ultimately ruled a DQ as it breaks into a clusterfuck and the roster runs down and emulates the rumble scenario. They do this every year, so no shocker there. Then CM Punk’s music plays, and shit gets serious, son. Punk looks at the crowd, and shrugs. Then my DVR cuts out, so I can only assume that the logo came across Josh Mathews’s face.

Oh, HAI!

Final Thoughts: The matches themselves were ok, I’ll give it that. But nothing whatsoever was advanced or seemed relevant in any of them. Some storyline elements played out with Heyman, Punk, and Bryan, but all of it was outside the action. There really was no point to this episode, or watching it unless you want mindless action.

I criticize because I care. I did enjoy the show. I wouldn’t watch if I didn’t love this shit.

The WWE logo comes up, and I’m out.

Tell me I’m a retard on Twitter! Yes, you can mock me on social media now here: @GoftheInternet

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Joe continues not to notice this section. 😀 It’s like a Talking Heads song or something. 4 weeks and counting. He was warned.

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WTF?

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Sept 6, 2013. I am a clone of G. I am currently handcuffed to one of the lower legs of G’s sofa in his apartment. Yesterday, while the real G was at work, monkey nearby shrieked at me to attempt to lift the sofa. It worked! I went to thank the monkey located in an open-doored cage on the stairs leading down to the basement of G’s basement apartment, and noticed a large man strapped into a chair in the basement. I then heard the original G returning home. I need to find his magical device that created me…

Sept 13, 2013. The real Gee has noticed my writing. That stupid fuck hasn’t deleted anything, but he did taze me repeatedly. I still think there is a monkey held captive on the stairs to the second level of this building.
Sept 20, 2013. Made progress today. Discovered some kind of cloning device. I used it to clone the device itself, and hid the copy under the couch I am “hand-cuffed” to. The monkey saw this, but I don’t think he’ll say anything. He’s a monkey, after all. Some dude named Johnny Storm stopped by to say hi. Weird.

Sept 27, 2013. An obese man who claims to be famous magically appeared in the living room today. He told me the cloning gadget I made a copy of has the powers to do much more. Sounded like a bunch of crap to me. I immediately knocked him out and tied him up beside the one the “real” G calls “Barks.” Both look the same. I killed the new guy and fed him to the other captives. I think. They both look the same. All of that future-talk and preventing the death of kayfabe annoyed me. Either way, one of the “Barks” was dinner. He tasted like chicken. Big surprise there.

Oct 4, 2013. So I guess the guy I fed to his doppleganger was actually able to escape last week with help from that J.T. guy. He was screaming something about “his” chair. Either way, G is pissed and punished me all week. He said something about maybe sending me to Fall Camp. I decided to not make any decisive moves. It seems for the best. Just like the WWE, I guess, albeit “best” isn’t the “best” word I’d use to describe the product.

Oct 18, 2013. It’s been a while since I’ve been able to write here. G has been continually sending me off to ancient historical eras to collect random artifacts. I don’t understand why a stool sample from Henry Hudson is so important. And what was the point of leaving a smoke bomb in the front hall of the Palace of Versailles on May 6, 1682? I’m told I’m going to have to… gotta go. He’s home.

Nov. 8, 2013. I’ve been sent on a bunch of weird missions. The most weird was when G sent me back to 2008. See, I snuck former PM Tony Blair into Buckingham Palace and stapled old-people-face to his kind of already old-people-face. No one has noticed even until today. I still don’t understand why he made me do that.

Nov. 15, 2013. This last week was even more bizarre. He made me put on some suit and a red tie and shave my head, and then pretend to be in control of his weekly scab collecting group. I burst in, and told the vice president and current scab champion collector that I was in charge. We bickered back and forth for a while, and then G kicked in the door dressed in drag and began shrieking that since he was the vice president of the chess club next door he was taking over. Very odd.

Dec. 6, 2013: Charles Barkley recently abducted me and took me on a cruise ship with him. We circumvented the planet, stopping at various ports-of-call, and living the high life again. It was really awesome. Then sadly, today, I awoke only to find myself back on the couch of G’s apartment. Was it all a dream?

Dec. 13, 2013. Nope, not a dream. In fact somewhat of a nightmare. This week I was forced to go to work for G while he vigorously stayed home masturbating (I can only assume) and eating nachos. Work sucked. Firstly, I am not trained to do anything G actually does at his jobs, so I looked like a complete idiot. Oddly enough, some fellow who has a Bruce Springsteen complex and calls himself “The Boss” told me that my work had shown significant improvement today. I am pretty sure G’s jobs don’t involve a body count, though.

Dec 20, 2013. Just got back from a reconnaissance mission to infiltrate Charles Barkley’s place. G insisted I take the monkey from the open cage on the stairs with me. He told me the monkey was given special orders, and my job was to get the little guy into the house. I did as I was told. Once inside, the monkey went to every toilet in the house and proceeded to defecate inside the water tank of each one. I don’t know what G is feeding that monkey, but damn!

Dec 27, 2013. Shit, I’m tired. G outsourced me to that dude who always invades via the apartment balcony to deliver bass strings to the bass player children of the world the other day. Turns out, I fucked up and gave a bunch of five and six string bass player kids, four string packs, so he made me go out AGAIN the next day to fix the problem. Turns out, that for some reason, descending into people’s homes via chimney is only considered acceptable behaviour one night out of 365. Or at least, that’s what police officers in 45 countries on the planet seem to think. I have to go out again tonight, but I’m just going to drop molotovs down the chimney instead. Fuck getting arrested again.

Jan 10, 2014. G sent me to the year 2018 to find some lady. Turns out she was laughing historically on February 6th. I return with this information. Not a very exciting adventure, and then me and the monkey play a game called hide G’s sandwich. The crawl space is full of’em.

Jan 24, 2014. I find a diary penned by a version of me, 8 generations ago. In clone generational math, that was about 3 minutes. Weird.

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Shameless Plugs!

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