Home ▸ SmackDown ▸ Smackdown: 02/10/12… No Funkasaurus

Yeah, it’s Friday. Go to hell Rebecca Black. So I’m here to talk about Smackdown, and stuff. That’s how I roll. Let’s just get to it, shall we? Hey, it might be really good!

Or not…

I watch, write, suffer, and succumb to this show, yet have to remind myself of what happened only minutes after each episode. That is how G’s Smackdown reviews work. This is not a play-by-play recap, there’s enough of those online. This is a highly-opinionated take of the show in question.

– Right off the bat, it’s announced that there will be a Heavyweight Title match tonight between Bryan and Orton. Then Sheamus comes out to talk. The crowd pops huge for him. Sheamus notes that statistics show that at least one title changes hands in the Elimination Chamber, so he will wait until the end of that PPV to make his choice. Makes sense, you can’t prep for an unknown opponent, right? I like that fact. Then he links it into some bullying story, whatever. Out comes Wade Barrett… His argument he should just go for the WWE title since Barrett’s winning the title and would destroy Sheamus at WrestleMania. Even calls him a Ginger! LOL! This begins the parade of EC opponents… Rhodes… Big Show… Show plays the face card and runs down the two heels… Barrett calls Show a punchline at WM, then Rhodes gets the lines of the night:

Rhodes: “He’s right… apparantly Giants can win the Superbowl, but, not matches at WrestleMania. You’re like… like… the reverse Undertaker. Who are you going to lose to this year? The Monster? The Sumo Wrestler?”

– Then Show knocks him the fuck out. Actually, Show is likely to lose to Shaq this year, if the rumours are correct. At least it won’t be Mr. T, right Rowdy One?

Last seen pitying fools in 2007.

– * Jinder Mahal vs. The Mediocre Khali. Ok, so they stepped up the cultural stereotype once more on Mahal this week. Yep, he’s got his Turban, traditional Punjab robes, facial hair, etc. And now, a glass podium with a pillow which he places his turban in. Little known fact: Beneath the pillow lies the laptop that was the Anonymous RAW GM. Khali is one hurting guy… can barely walk to the ring, this is hard to watch, so I don’t. It’s staged violence, I don’t really want to watch this guy kill himself… even though Khali has never been one to impress this particular smark. Khali wins with a chokeslam in about 2 minutes.

Zoidberg is a huge fan of Tetris.

– Cue the remix of Val Venis’ theme song for an Aksana/Long PG TELEVISION SEGMENT> Thank fucking god for Daniel Bryan who interrupts sexual innuendo, demanding “What in the hell is going on here?!?” Long held a BBQ in the parking lot today, and Bryan calls him on the charring of delicious beef, chicken, etc. Bryan defines Veganism, and says he’s sick to his stomach and won’t defeat tonight… Long tells him he HAS to compete. Fun segment.

– A reminder ad that HBK returns Monday… don’t care for this story or match (even though I am sure HHH and Taker will do a great job)… but I am already marking out to get some Shawn Micheals in my wrestling diet, regardless.

Buckle-up kids! And distracted Moms.

– * WWE Divas champion Beth Phoenix vs. Alicia Fox. Why didn’t they give Alicia the fucking farting gimmick? I’ll never know… really no one should get that career killer shtick. Phoenix makes quick work of Alicia with a Glam Slam. Post match, she looks to further the abuse, but Super Fly Tamina goes for the save… or stare-down, if you will. At least that will be a believable challenge. Hell, Beth smiles a bit at the prospects within that program.

Oh shit, an actual challenger?

– Tyson Kidd discusses farting with Natalya backstage. She farts, he leaves. Hornswoggle enters, and passes out as a result. The Anvil begins plotting his invasion of Titan Towers. Terrible.

Charles Barkley @G: “Damn, that air is rank!”

G @Charles Barkley: “Please don’t encourage them, Barks. This is fucking retarded.”

– * Cody Rhodes/Wade Barret vs. The Big Show/Sheamus. Typical put together tag match from the opening segment’s tension. Weird intro though, as Show enters first, then the heels, and then Sheamus last. Odd. Rhodes is pretty heeltastic to start, seemingly abandoning his partner and Show drags the Wade in and slaps him… Rhodes is avoiding all, and any confrontation. He avoids a true battle as Wade confronts the Great White. Wash, rinse, repeat. It’s not a bad thing, as it defines differences amid the heel/face characters involved… kind of like D&D alignments…

Commercial break. Yes, some Autobots’ actions were rather questionable.

– We return from obviously missed action… Sheamus tags in Show to mangle Rhodes. All men involved are working hard, so I can’t complain. I tune in for WRESTLING not VIDEO SEGMENTS after all. Great little match. After everyone gets their spots in, Sheamus Brogue Kicks Wade Barrett for the win.

– * Michael Cole interviews AJ. There is only one way to shill this. Either AJ admits this was all the master plan of Daniel Bryan (rushing though)…. OR… OR…. They have her allude to this fact and build on some kind of “investigation.” Cole is typical heel here, pointing out no one really knows who the fuck she is (they don’t). Then he swerves, kind of, asking the real big question, “Why were you even at ringside?”. AJ notes Daniel asked her to be there, and that the Big Show may have not had any intention… the real person who has done worse damage is… MICHAEL COLE. She calls him on Cole’s running down Bryan on commentary, as well as the ENTIRE Diva’s division. Wait, what? ALL TRUE. Even goes on to CUT OFF COLE! FUCKING AWESOME. “As far as I am concerned, the entire WWE would be a better place if you, would just shut your mouth.” Cole retorts in asshole form that this is his job. Cole gets to the big issue, that Bryan set her up to get run over by The Giant. Then he calls her a whore, basically. Fucking awesome!

– Bryan interrupts and tells Cole if he continues, he will break both of his arms. Bryan cuts another awesome promo as the crowd is in epic heat mode. He hits all his bullets running down the Superbowl, meat, gluttony, alcohol, etc. He wonders after that debachury of consumption “How many of you recycled?” He cares about the environment. HAHAHHAHAHAHHAHHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHHA! Please go watch this who segment, I go watch it a second time.

I recycle. I return things to heaven or hell with my handy blowtorch.

– After this great promo, Bryan tells the audience he is taking AJ home. He is taking a “personal day.” So Long interrupts and tells him if he leaves the building, he loses the title. Once again, his excuses to weasel out of the title match are more original than anything in a long fucking time. Go now, go watch. Stop reading this garble… SOPA/PIPA is only delayed, do it now while you still can…

– * Hunico vs. Ted DiBiase

It’s true… It’s damn true.

– Low-rider bikes… Posses… I don’t even care. FFW. This program is dead. Someone won, didn’t care. I choose Dibiase, if I have to.

– Johnny Ace, still-employed, hits a cell phone promo with Cole… falling asleep… ohh fuck…:

– * World champion Daniel Bryan vs. Randy Orton.

The “Great One” told him to eat a hamburger, thus ending his streak in Phoenix. He ate one in Calgary, Alberta, Canada a couple games ago…

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PmVusVh4TRQ[/youtube]
Hey, at least it isn’t Heath Farley. Wrong Jokinen. Turrible puns.

– I went into this tired and already pessimistic. This a very good match. With about 15 minutes, the two are able deploy psychology and build a story. And as result, both grapplers appear strong, thus, good booking. In the third television segment, the Big Show joins commentary, only to not talk about his murder of AJ for a minute… When he does talk, it’s cryptic. The boys in the ring elevate towards high spots. I think we have a good chemistry right now… Probably a test match for Mania. FREE TELEVISION, GO WATCH THIS FOR FREE. Our finish looks to be a Viper Matt Punch Tantrem, but NO!!! Bryan rolls away, tries to walk out with the title…

– NOOO!!!! Big Show comes off commentary, and his interference gives the DQ win to Bryan. Youtube, now.

I criticize because I care. I did enjoy the show. I wouldn’t watch if I didn’t love this shit.

The WWE logo comes up, and I’m out.

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