Home ▸ SmackDown ▸ Smackdown 02/21/12

Well, it’s Friday, and you know what….. wait… what? It’s Tuesday? Damn! I was really hoping it was the weekend. Sadly, it’s also the Battle of Alberta tonight as my Edmonton Oilers face the Calgary Flames. While I enjoyed the PPV on Sunday, my patience will be short for this episode since I am more inclined to watch hockey. My DVR says that Randy Orton is scheduled to face Daniel Bryan tonight. Really? Alright, let’s just hop to it, shall we?

I watch, write, suffer, and succumb to this show, yet have to remind myself of what happened only minutes after each episode. That is how G’s Smackdown reviews work. This is not a play-by-play recap, there’s enough of those online. This is a highly-opinionated take of the show in question.

– Josh Matthews welcomes us to Super Smackdown live, and even though my cable company insists that our main event is Randall Keith Orton versus Daniel Bryan, it’s actually a rematch of CM Punk and Bryan. Bryan comes out to celebrate being able to find the door to the entrance ramp! YES!! YES!!! YES!!!

– Bryan runs down the crowd for not believing he would go to WrestleMania as champion. You know the deal, he is better than you. Not me, just you. I rule. Bryan mocks Santino’s attempt to channel the spirit of Rocky Balboa last Sunday, but calls himself the real incarnation of the Rocky story. Thumbs up for that one! Miz interrupts him… not sure why… Miz reminds us he was his NXT mentor, and he actually had the confidence in him… and after he beats Sheamus at WM, he wants to form a tagteam… but just as he is about the explain, we get a White-out. Yep, the pastiest man comes down to call Bryan “A massive arse” and a hypocrite. Miz is pissed at being interrupted, so he gets in the Irishman’s face… the two brawl as Bryan hightails it… where’s Teddy Long at?

This Gibbon has some mad high flying skills. Sadly, he couldn’t break through the glass ceiling wall in the WWE.

– Teddy Long must have come out during the commercial break, because we return to…

– *The Miz vs. Sheamus. The Great White immediately reminds the children how to count at home, and Miz collapses from the ring apron in a very convincing sell. The two trade spots in what turns out to be a pretty decent little match. Surprisingly, Sheamus wins.

– I get distracted by CM Punk retorting to the terrible person Chris Brown on Twitter. Do they hand out Grammy’s for assault now? I guess so… Punk owns him, so Brown attempts to respond citing “great wrestlers” like “co co beware.”

Charles Barkley @G: “I told you, honkey, I don’t work Tuesdays. That’s Jail Day for me.”

G @Charles Barkley: “Right. Forgot, sorry Barks. Have fun with the rape and the shivs and all that!”

– Aksana crap with Teddy backstage. She wants Long to be the GM of RAW and Smackdown. So we’re getting a feud… meh. Cut to Johnny and David (who does NOT have a matching coffee mug, unless you want to argue beige and silver match). Nothing too notable here, it’s literally toilet humor. Otunga will face Ezekial Jackson in an “I Don’t Care” match.

I usually avoid LOLCatz, but this one is just too awesome to deny.

– *Kofi Kingston and R-Truth vs. Dolph Ziggler and Jack Swagger. Looks like someone found Swagger, please ignore the milk carton ads until next week. In a short, high octane match, Ziggler uses heel-tactics to scrape the eyes on Kingston, land a Zig-Zag, and get the pin. Epico and Primo (and eventually Comacho and Hunico, and Santino, and so forth are all angry about being pushed down the Power Rankings to negative fifty-seven).

Probably NOT a good idea to try and reel in that one, huh?

– Santino has his Cobra attacking flipped over disposable cups backstage for some reason, and Heath Slater interrupts. Santino’s Cobra glove spits liquid into Slater’s eyes, twice. Ok.

– WWE tells us about the Chris Brown/CM Punk Twitter war and Punk’s challenge to face him. Chris Brown is busy elsewhere beating a woman with a dictionary. I text him and tell him he’s doing it wrong. He responds in some gibberish which reminds me of the lyrics to every single song he’s every released.

Pictured above, NOT Andy Kaufman. I hope that girl has the sense to run, he’s going for the thesaurus.

– *The Mediocre Khali vs. Drew McIntyre. Why? I don’t know either. Khali staggers to the ring… dude, if you can’t walk without hurting yourself, retire. Seriously. We won’t really miss you, but no one wants to see you torture yourself like this. Thankfully, I think, McIntyre gets squashed in 30 seconds. His entrance music ended just second before they play it again. It felt like a four-bar break…

– The Big Show plans on attacking Cody Rhodes at a swimming pool, I guess.

– *Big Show versus Mark Henry. I’m totally confused what this is all about, but realize that Show knocked Henry the fuck out last Friday. I’m FFW’ing this one. Don’t care. Fuck this. Cody Rhodes comes out to run down Show on the microphone. He calls him an ass and shows us “Another Big Show Embarassing Big Show Moment.” Until Shaq confirms, this must be our dark match at WM.

This was a pretty traumatizing moment in my childhood. All I said to the dog was to stop mocking my aim…

– More video clips… meh.

– Ezekial Jackson vs. David Otunga. Fuck this match too. Weak. I guess Otunga won, don’t care. Hockey just started, DVR is getting a workout tonight.

The force is strong in this one…

– More fucking video packages, this time with Eve. FFW.

– Punk gets an interview segment with Matt Striker. Punk cuts a pretty typical promo (for him, so therefore it’s awesome). Punk thinks Bryan’s title reign has gone to his head… and if he tells A.J. to shave her head, he’s going after him for copyright infringement. Then MORE FUCKING CLIP PACKAGES.

There really is no excuse to justify this kind of stupidity.

– *CM Punk vs. Daniel Bryan. Good start… but since I am in wrestling hell right now, we almost immediately go to commercials. We return… I guess.

The numbers game wins everytime.

– At least we get almost 20 minutes here, and it kind of saves the show. I would skip EVERY OTHER PART of this episode, and just go to this bout. Both men are in fine form, with Bryan playing a conniving, but capable heel and Punk as a man with a true challenge in front of him. I almost want to call it a clinic, but god forbid someone challenges me with various “Out of 10” ratings. I think I’ll give it a hieroglyph. Ancient, old school, and awesome. Sheamus enters, causes a distraction, and allows Punk to win… or does he? John Lauranitus comes out and declares that due to outside interference, this match will continue…

Hey, I guess it’s worth a shot.

– Commercials… etc… we return… More awesome action all over the ring, in all forms. Lauranitus and Long are now watching as the crowd chants Punk’s name. Punk has attempted numerous times to get to the top ropes, and on the 120914809851 attempt, Bryan sets him up and suplexes him into a near fall! Very clean execution there… The GMs bicker at ringside after this. Punk and Bryan both look pissed as the GMs are trying to get the attention. It’s a debatable finish, I guess, and Ace raises Bryan’s hand, while Long raises Punks. The two GMs look to battle, but Long walks off pissed as CM Punk looks confused… ok….

I criticize because I care. I did enjoy the show. I wouldn’t watch if I didn’t love this shit.

The WWE logo comes up, and I’m out.

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