Home ▸ SmackDown ▸ Smackdown 03/01/13. We’re Marching Through Georgia… (G-G-G-Georgia. I don’t give a damn where they are tonight, I love that Pavement song).

Never underestimate The “Unseen Power Of The Picket Fence”. Alice of RWR knows what I’m talking about. So does J.T., Joe, and Jorge of BWF Radio. We’ll see you on Sunday for the podcast. Maybe even Alice will show up and make Jorge laugh? Until then, I decided to continue my streak of abusing my psycological well being and review another episode of The Mediocre Khali Show. Sigh. That dude ain’t hopping. He has no knees, like Kevin Nash, nor legs like Zack Gowan, nor feet like Kamala. But all of those dude’s collected a paycheck at least. I never did. Hopping time, jerks.

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Here at BWF, you have No Alernative. You’ll find this track there too. Ask your buddy Google to explain. Look up Benoit, Cobain, Man on the Moon, REM, Kaufman, and Pavement. None of it will make any sense to you, but it does to me. And that’s how, I roll. One more match. Tell Google, G sent you.

I watch, write, suffer, and succumb to this show, yet have to remind myself of what happened only minutes after each episode. That is how G’s Smackdown reviews work. This is not a play-by-play recap, there’s enough of those online. This is a highly-opinionated take of the show in question.

– Some random guy screaming outside my apartment kicks off the show, telling us about The Borg attacking Miles O’Brien, Data, Captain Kirk (Shatner’s Canadian), and John Sulu in a number of battles, only the transporter chief and robot Second Officer/Science Officer remain alive. The other two were Red Shirts, we’re told. Tonight, Data faces his biggest challenge ever, as a plethora of Tribbles have become as one much like The Constructicons to form Devastator, and they will square off in a post Optimus Prime dystopian Hell known as Deep Space 9.

I never tire of this sign.

– Ric-Rod is out to introduce Dat World Heavy Weight Champion. Then we cut to Josh “One T” Mathews being joined by Jerry Lawler and Michael Cole. I guess it’s cram-social-media-down-our-throats night in the WWE. Lame. Oh look, here comes Our Savior!! It’s Damien Sandow! And he’s going to talk, everybody shut the fuck up.

Others will say what they will, but I believe that you fit in with the rest of America.
Poor grammar,
Lack luster word choice,
And sentence structure that absolutely abhorrent.
SILENCE!
And above all, you, the World Heavy Weight Champion are accompanied to the ring by a man with an outdated, rented tuxedo weilding a spit bucket.
I, on the other hand, are accompanied by only my superior intellect, my timeless good looks, and the jealous gazes of the unwashed masses.
You’re welcome.

– We are. 😀 Del Rio makes a poo poo joke about Damien’s breath. Yep, he’s a “John Cena” now for sure. Sigh. At least Ric-Rod is still cool.

Maximize your high score.

– * Non-Title Match: Alberto Del Rio {C} vs. Damien Sandow. Things get underway, and both men are trading equal spots. We all know Sandow can “go,” but as for his role in the WM build, I’ve said it before, he’s enhancement talent. And yes, it breaks my heart. Fortunately, this match elevates his stock, and both men seem to have a good chemistry. The future could be bright for a program with these two. Del Rio lands a personal favorite (that knocks Sandow off the ring apron to the floor), a Shining Wizard as… guess what happens. Seriously guess.

Andre The Giant was eating your children WAY before Mike Tyson. These days, I’m told via anonymous sources that it’s Brodus Clay. First dance, then buffet time! No Mama’s can be called once your in the Fat Bastard’s Belly. Wait… what?

– Post commercial break, and Sandow is body slamming ADR. Hey, no rest spots. That’s different. Sandow is getting his heel beat down moment to lead to the inevitable clean ADR finish or a substance enhancement drive-thru by Dank Sativa. Missed that joke last week, dammit. Sandow hits a “Code Breaker” according to Lawler. Good job, now the commentators are stealing Jericho’s moves. Speaking of similar moves, ADR must be also a big fan of educating fans about mathematics, as he drapes Sandow on the inside of the ring, with his back facing him, and punches him in the spine while children learn to count at home. Where’s El Generico at again? ADR then reverses a finisher attempt by Sandow, into an ARMBAR! Great match. I might sound a little bit cynical, but it was fun. That’s my job. I’m a member of the IOC, I drop wrestling from the Olympics IWC, I complain about every-fucking-thing, and still remain a fan.

– Tell the world I’m coming home. Way to give away my stolen base attempt, WWE. Hey, maybe let the pitcher know I am going to attempt to bunt on the next throw? I guess baseball pre-season started and people are excited. Not me. Not enough cross-checks and slough-foot attempts in Batty.

I miss pyro…

– Clips from RAW air. My mysterious assailant strolls in, picks up my remote control, and hits the FFW button. “What, what?” I ask, “I thought you club me with bats and shit when I do that. What gives?”

He responds, “I’m still serving my second game suspension. The press box is boring, just a bunch of smarks in there. I don’t need to see this again.”

“Oh, that makes sense,” I reply, “Why’s Jorge sitting on a lawn chair on my balcony?”

“He misses the old days,” communicates the not-so-attacky-assailant. “Plus,” he continues, “Jorge says your BBQ grills up some fine tasting herpes infected chicken.”

– We return to the show with a segment from Team Friendship, and Jorge breaks through the glass like Goldberg through a car window! Fortunately I gimmicked the door, because at BWF WE’RE NOT RETARDED, TOUGH GUY, HO!!!! Kane and Bryan bicker about their rematch with the not-so-injured Darren Young. Kane will be the blind-folded guy this week and brushes it off. Bryan is frustrated as Kane notes that because he is blind-folded he won’t have to look at Bryan’s ugly goat-face.

– * 2 of 3 Falls US Title Match: Antonio Cesaro {C} vs. The Miz. At least it’s for the title. I would be boycotting this if not. It seems a little early for this to play out like this, and I have to wonder if this is not a program for WM. I don’t see where they could go from here with this program. First stop, Cesaro works the ground game, with some catch-as-catch-can with the Miz. It ends quickly as I suspect Miz doesn’t get this stuff just yet. Who do you think carries this match? Just saying. Miz’s strategy is to work the left knee of Antonio. Cesaro picks up the first fall with a Neutralizer and it’s time to sell some products. At least, Aksana is not on his arm to sell Antonio anymore.

Pictured above, worst wrestler ever, anywhere, executed her patented move known as the “Creative is trying their hardest to have something for me”.

– Upon return, we’re told that the WWE app showed us the match during commercials. I think my internal pop-up-blocker is enabled. Don’t know, but Miz and Cesaro continue to entertain. More of the back of forth. Miz has his head knocked off by Cesaro’s brilliant European Uppercut (not available outside of the continent as DLC in WWE 13). The story shifts to one of weary beatings… Cesaro barely escapes a shitty rendition of the figure four leglock (Miz is getting better at it, I’ll give him that). Then they roll around in somersaults for a bit, AND CESARO GRABS THE TIGHTS AND PICKS UP FALL 2! Well, that was at least that means… this feud will continue.

– Randall Keith Orton is resauldering his wires as Unmixed Strawberry Yogurt comes to talk to him about the Shield. The summation of this is simply “What are we going to do about the Shield?”
“I.. want… a… cheese… burger…” A notably absent J.T. is seen in the crowd, holding up a sign stating the following in-article-graphic comment:

Dikembe Mutumbo does not approve of your choice of cereal. I wish he shook his finger at the kid first, then sprinted off.

– Nice! J.T. is awesome like that.

– The same Fandango thing.

– Evil Young James Ross has returned with his default doppleganger goatee to interview Jackery Swinger and his manager Zeb Coutler. Swingers hate Jack. He is always late for “being arrested” to their fun times. Immediately Ross notes he was the guy who recruited Swagger. Swagger took a hiatus, he continues, and that he is not the guy he remembers. I push pause. Fuck it, watching. Will comment during the commercials (plus, I need to refill my bong). Essential Dirty Zeb Mantell delivers the “THEY TOOK OUR JOBS!” rant about ADR in place of deserving American, Dolph Ziggler. It’s about the self-destruction of America. Zeb hits the “natural born citizen” qualifier. There’s your soundbyte. Then he makes reference to when you get a fruit gift basket, and it starts to rot and draw flies, what’chu gonna do, brother, when the real Americans play bass in Metallica for you!! WHATCHA GONNA DO!! It’s nothing like Hogan’s cliche stuff, it’s actually really serious and fucking awesome. Seek this out on the internet or your local thrift store. J.R. holds up a sign in the audience that states, “I hope Joe didn’t just accidentally call “J.T. holds up a sign” instead of “J.R. holds up a sign” but my name is Jim and why the fuck am I on NXT? Rob Burgandy was right.”

– In all truth, Swagger and Zeb get at odds over the political issue, and then ADR comes out and talks about fighting for the rights of his side. Great segment. I rewind and watch it again.

@Charles Barkley @G: “That Mutumbo gif was pretty epic. Danny “D-Pow” Powers is the man. Not as cool as that time I fought a Godzilla.”

@G @Charles Barkley: “We’re seriously not getting into this argument again, are we? HE’S NOT A FUCKING GODZILLA!!! IT’S THE FUCKING CREATURE’S PERSONAL NAME. I’M “G”! YOU’RE “CHUCK”! FUCK! “

– * Non-Title Match: Team Hell No {C} vs. The Prime Time Players. I guess the blindfold gimmick is not really part of any feud outside the champions themselves, so I will forgive the “Non-Title” clause… this time. Not Team Alpha, though. I read on Reddit that Joe and Jorge where spotted attacking random interns and temps in the parking lot. I suspect they are farming for experience points to improve their stats and level up.

😀

– Our match begins, and I expect nothing more than satire as Bryan puts a mask over Kane with a goatface picture on it. Whistles distractions allow the PTPs to add to the humor. The one armed Bryan uses his feet… you get the idea. The gimmicks are very well done. It includes a “scary moment” where Kane almost chokeslam’s Bryan. This leads to Kane accidently tagging in Bryan, who gets rolled up by Titus O’Neil FTW. Kane, realizes his mask had a goat face on it, they work the hug moment, but Kane swerves and masks Bryan or something. Honestly, this was fun, but repetitive as fuck. I LOL’d.

– Big Show delves into the intellectual challenges of managing one’s emotions in relation to the physicality, mental stress, media and publicity appearances, travelling the “road”, being away from family, the pressures of getting older and the pain that goes with it to Marque Stupor. Actually, this took longer for Joe to read than that segment.

That’s one of the best… umm…. umm….

– “From The Vault” debuts. It’s Mr. Fuji taking The Powers of Pain down to the ring! Gorilla Monsoon can be heard. They are facing the Tag Team Champions Marty Jannetty and some jobber. What a nice treat, but nothing we can’t watch on Youtube or something similar. I’m at a loss understanding why the fuck I am watching this. J.T. is seen in the audience in 1983 holding up a sign claiming, “Flux Capacitor, bitches!”.

– The Rockers dominate much of this match, much to a cane wielding classic’ chagrin. I truly enjoyed this segment. If it becomes a normal thing, I will try to review it. But I believe this is something to hype Old School Raw for now.

One of the most accurate gifs I’ve ever seen.

– Fandango appears to talk to Matt Striker! He tells to Matt to “breathe the ‘A’s in” when he says his name. Fandango has mastered the arts of dance, and now that he can wrestle here he will make plenty of dance moves in the ring… but only until Matt Striker can “get his name right.” So did they delay his appearance based on Striker being able to talk like Curtis? I just… sigh.

– RAW clips, Lesnar/HHH story. J.T. does not hold up a sign. That was RAW, dipshit. He wasn’t there.

– The internet reported a Sin Cara/Heath Slater match tonight. I saw that three times in Calgary. If it aired, or was for something else, I saw nothing.

Sick fluke goal by Yandle…

* The Big Show vs. Randall Keith Orton. WHO WANTS TO GO SLOWER? Oh well, this is our main event. I’m disengaged. We see all the spots from the two. More or less. What am I watching here? This last hour is actually confusing, because so many odd things happened that are boring or totally out of the norm. Weird Smackdown. This match happened. Orton puts Show in his dangling DDT spot, which is kind of impressive. But before he can capitalize, Team Beta, The Shield, run down the stadium aisles to await a Sheamus run in. That happens and the Shield continues to swarm, creating an official DQ for Show? I guess so. Beat downs ensue. Big Show finally wakes up, and KO’s Reigns. The Shield bail off as Big Show is the new John Cena/Chris Jericho? My DVR cuts out as it looks like Show is about to punch Orton… Angry Mark’s tell me “CHOKE SLAM TO ORTON! BROGUE KICK TO BIG SHOW! Sheamus is the only fella standing in the ring as Show rolls out. We get replays of the KO Punch, the Choke Slam and the Brogue Kick. Orton and Sheamus shake hands as SmackDown rolls off the air.”

– Social Media? I didn’t notice anything really. Maybe the Canadian version is different? Whatever, that was a decent episode in some regards. Weird second hour. We didn’t even see Alice of RationalWrestlingReview.com named, “Honeybunches of “T”! Maybe he suffered a chortle attack? I tried to contact J.T. but he was last seen staggering down the alley with the random screaming guy from the very start of this review, holding up a sign asking, “When’s the break song, G? I need to refill my drink.”

I criticize because I care. I did enjoy the show. I wouldn’t watch if I didn’t love this shit.

The WWE logo comes up, and I’m out.

Tell me I’m a retard on Twitter! Yes, you can mock me on social media now here: @GoftheInternet

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Shameless Plugs!

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