Home ▸ SmackDown ▸ Smackdown 03/28/14: Knuckleball Swartz

Batter up!

Hopping time… Now with Duckface

“I watch, write, suffer, and succumb to this… baseball? The fuck?!?”.

– Our shows kicks off at the top of the 8th inning, as the Toronto Blue Jays have two outs against the New Yorl Mets, with a tied score of 4 runs. Whelp, looks like Spring Exhibition games take precedence over Smackdown, I guess. What this means for Sportsnet with the new NHL TV rights deal for next season? I suspect Joe will need to find someone else to review Smackdown, or pretty much anything associated with the label WWE attached to it. On top of MLB, and the NHL, they also carry all the UFC stuff too. The WWE is going to be on at like 4AM (unless soccer is on… or poker).

More hopping time… Now with Scoobs

– I FFW through 54 minutes of baseball.

– And after all of that waiting, we get Batista to start the show. Fan-fucking-tastic. He’s here with his steel-toed boots, baggy pants (shocking), his paper-boy hat circa 1920’s, a jacket, some lame T-Shirt and his Corey Hart shades. His future’s so bright…. he where’s his sun glasses at night. He notes he’s a movie star, 6X world champ, winner of the 2014 Royal Rumble, and head-liner of WMXXX. And we boo him over Bryan. He takes offense to this, it’s a slap in the face. Then clips from RAW air where Steph slapped him, then Batista cheap-shot Orton. It’s a fact, he’s walking out the champ at Mania. And Batista thinks Stephanie hits harder than all of his potential opponents… so…

– HHH has had his quarter lined up on the arcade cabinet, awaiting patiently to play the next round, because that game is “claimed”. Don’t lie to the men with the cross-bows. HHH plays off his “Reality Era” catchphrase. J.T. is seen in the audience holding up a sign that reads “Honey Boo Boo Chopped Total Divas and they burst an implant”. They yadda yadda back and forth about Batista only came back to win the title, and HHH has never actually beaten off Batista in the ring. HHH notes that is mostly because of the Evolution story, and then Batista quit and went off like a little bitch and ate craft services. Where is the Animal? “When are you going to show me what you can still do?” asks Hunter. But HHH has a new work-out pal, and Batista will face him, fella.

This one is new to me…

– All these clips of crap from RAW…

– * The Shield (Ambrose and Rollins) w/ Reigns vs. 3MB (McIntyre and Mahal) w/ Slater. Who do you think is going over here? Cole notes Ambrose has held the US Title for 313 days, and JBL comments about actually defending the title. Touche. The 3MBs get some decent time here, which is a surprising treat, albeit, Ambrose and Rollins are carrying the momentum. But Dirty Deeds are done dirt cheap, and Ambrose takes out McIntyre for the definitive win.

It’s called “Dirty Deeds” now. And since it’s a nice little reference to the band whose Back in Black album was the soundtrack to the epic 80’s horror film named Maximum Overdrive, which was based on the short story “Trucks” by Stephen King, it explains why TNA was so shitty this week… OR DOES IT?!?!?

– Kane and the New Age Outlaws, all dressed in suits. Kane notes they will be doing the same to them at Mania, and it’s Gauntlet time, bitches! Yep…

– * Ryback/Axel vs. The Shield (Ambrose and Rollins) w/ Reigns. Ambrose bumps more here, allowing Rollins to get the hot tag. This match is also quite good, but you already knew that, because you are a believer. It’s a shame baseball cut off my show, but I am quite happy I am getting to watch this series of bouts. Rollins gets his curb-stomp finish on Curtis, and it’s over. Post match, Ryback attempts to attack, but is destroyed as the crowd chants “SHIELD!” and Ryback meets Mr. Triple Powerbomb!

– * Damien “Good Hand” Sandow vs. Sin Don’t Cara. Sigh. It’s under the blue and yellow lights of death. Sin Cara wins swiftly, so I get into my car and commit sins. You’ll never catch me. P.S. don’t look in my trunk, or my trunks.

– Big Show is being asked by Renee Young about stuff. Show has to face Bray Wyatt tonight. He is retrospective.

– * Fandango vs. Goldust. Babyoil-First-Blood match. That’s my theory. Anyways, Cody immediately takes off with Summer Rae yelling “American Dream!” and “Grandson of a plumber!”. No idea what he meant by that. They make good on that terrible botch-fest that was RAW two weeks past, and deliver a nice match. If you are catching this episode, move to centre field, and make sure you have black (and gold) painted under your eyes, because the other grandson of a plumber is still having matches of his career in his middle age. Sadly, Fandango bukkakes his way to victory heeltastically. If you blinked during your FFW, you wouldn’t have missed this match. Decent time, 500 up!

– * Batista vs. Sheamus. 🙁 So my DVR only gets half of this episode, yet this match is preserved? Pfft. FFW out of protest. HHH is seen backstage, watching TV standing (no chairs rule), and Batista wins with his Batista Bomb. Batista asks if we are happy. No, we sure aren’t. Bring back X-Pac, they all start chanting.

One of my favorite parts of March Madness so far this year..

– My recording cuts off… let’s see what my backup recording caught (I was able to get that going when I realized that games that don’t mean shit in a 23,423,523 game season, played by teams in a market that folded’s arena, are more important to a sport that is dying because they bore the shit out of most kids these days).

@Charles Barkley @G: “I escaped and am working in Japan. Check out me at ringside taking photos!”

@G @Charles Barkley “That’s not you, I can see your mound. Fantastic spot by Tanahashi on Okada, though.”

– Ironically enough, I rejoined a baseball Yahoo! pool… actually, I’m in two of them. I never watch the sport. Yet, I almost managed to win the one I autodrafted in tonight while at work, and somehow I ended up with R.A. Dickey, the last Starting Pitcher to use the “knuckleball” style to revitalize his career. It’s an unpredictable way to pitch, and is basically a dinosaur in baseball. Fucking weird coincidences, I tell you… He plays for the fucking Blue Jays.

How not to cross the street.

– My back up recording has brought me to the Fandango match ending. Fuck that. Off to my even more back-up recording, the follow-up show in Canada called, “Aftermath”, which is where Renee Young cut her teeth before getting signed by the WWE.

You know these guys are pals too.

– A great Bray Wyatt promo is shown. “A true hero’s face is revealed,” begins Wyatt, as he stares into the goat mask in his hands. And now Cena has to realize he is out of his skin. Classic Bray. Can I say “classic” at this point? How about “vintage”. Man, I’ve been leaving room on the bandwagon two Septembers ago on NXT about this dude. If you haven’t hopped on, it’s hopping time. “He’s got the whole world, in his hands…”

– * The Bellas vs. AJ Lee and Tamina. What? No. Gone. More dissension between Tamina and AJ, and a Bella wins or something. Who cares.

I thought Layla was dead. Skynet?

– Emma and Santino are on an awkward date. I guess this is entertaining. Willow kidnaps Santino and taps Emma on the shoulder with a skeleton hand. But his skeleton hand is tucked into his pants, so cliche joke, etc. I am really hating The Blue Jays. Emma puts Santino in the friend zone. Great.

– * Jack Swagger vs. Jimmy Uso. Sigh. I’m looking at the rest of the card, and realizing maybe my recordings getting clipped doesn’t actually matter. Swagger quickly submits the Uso. Whoop-dee-doo.

Old School.

– * Mark Henry vs. The Miz. I… hrmph. There are three minutes left in my recording, and then I am wrapping up my Assassin’s Creed 4 game. I have one hidden treasure chest to dig up, and three legendary ships to destroy. That’s way more important, and you know this. I might finish this episode, but I think we got everything worth watching out of the way already. If I bother, I’ll update this review. I don’t plan on it.

LOL. Being an “insider”, we rarely get memes.

– * The Big Show vs. Bray Wyatt. It apparently happened. I am sure Big Show cried when he lost.

A lot of crying over a company making an investment this week…

I criticize because I care. I did enjoy the show. I wouldn’t watch if I didn’t love this shit.

The WWE logo comes up, and I’m out.

Tell me I’m a retard on Twitter! Yes, you can mock me on social media now here: @GoftheInternet

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WTF?

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Sept 6, 2013. I am a clone of G. I am currently handcuffed to one of the lower legs of G’s sofa in his apartment. Yesterday, while the real G was at work, monkey nearby shrieked at me to attempt to lift the sofa. It worked! I went to thank the monkey located in an open-doored cage on the stairs leading down to the basement of G’s basement apartment, and noticed a large man strapped into a chair in the basement. I then heard the original G returning home. I need to find his magical device that created me…

Sept 13, 2013. The real Gee has noticed my writing. That stupid fuck hasn’t deleted anything, but he did taze me repeatedly. I still think there is a monkey held captive on the stairs to the second level of this building.
Sept 20, 2013. Made progress today. Discovered some kind of cloning device. I used it to clone the device itself, and hid the copy under the couch I am “hand-cuffed” to. The monkey saw this, but I don’t think he’ll say anything. He’s a monkey, after all. Some dude named Johnny Storm stopped by to say hi. Weird.

Sept 27, 2013. An obese man who claims to be famous magically appeared in the living room today. He told me the cloning gadget I made a copy of has the powers to do much more. Sounded like a bunch of crap to me. I immediately knocked him out and tied him up beside the one the “real” G calls “Barks.” Both look the same. I killed the new guy and fed him to the other captives. I think. They both look the same. All of that future-talk and preventing the death of kayfabe annoyed me. Either way, one of the “Barks” was dinner. He tasted like chicken. Big surprise there.

Oct 4, 2013. So I guess the guy I fed to his doppleganger was actually able to escape last week with help from that J.T. guy. He was screaming something about “his” chair. Either way, G is pissed and punished me all week. He said something about maybe sending me to Fall Camp. I decided to not make any decisive moves. It seems for the best. Just like the WWE, I guess, albeit “best” isn’t the “best” word I’d use to describe the product.

Oct 18, 2013. It’s been a while since I’ve been able to write here. G has been continually sending me off to ancient historical eras to collect random artifacts. I don’t understand why a stool sample from Henry Hudson is so important. And what was the point of leaving a smoke bomb in the front hall of the Palace of Versailles on May 6, 1682? I’m told I’m going to have to… gotta go. He’s home.

Nov. 8, 2013. I’ve been sent on a bunch of weird missions. The most weird was when G sent me back to 2008. See, I snuck former PM Tony Blair into Buckingham Palace and stapled old-people-face to his kind of already old-people-face. No one has noticed even until today. I still don’t understand why he made me do that.

Nov. 15, 2013. This last week was even more bizarre. He made me put on some suit and a red tie and shave my head, and then pretend to be in control of his weekly scab collecting group. I burst in, and told the vice president and current scab champion collector that I was in charge. We bickered back and forth for a while, and then G kicked in the door dressed in drag and began shrieking that since he was the vice president of the chess club next door he was taking over. Very odd.

Dec. 6, 2013: Charles Barkley recently abducted me and took me on a cruise ship with him. We circumvented the planet, stopping at various ports-of-call, and living the high life again. It was really awesome. Then sadly, today, I awoke only to find myself back on the couch of G’s apartment. Was it all a dream?

Dec. 13, 2013. Nope, not a dream. In fact somewhat of a nightmare. This week I was forced to go to work for G while he vigorously stayed home masturbating (I can only assume) and eating nachos. Work sucked. Firstly, I am not trained to do anything G actually does at his jobs, so I looked like a complete idiot. Oddly enough, some fellow who has a Bruce Springsteen complex and calls himself “The Boss” told me that my work had shown significant improvement today. I am pretty sure G’s jobs don’t involve a body count, though.

Dec 20, 2013. Just got back from a reconnaissance mission to infiltrate Charles Barkley’s place. G insisted I take the monkey from the open cage on the stairs with me. He told me the monkey was given special orders, and my job was to get the little guy into the house. I did as I was told. Once inside, the monkey went to every toilet in the house and proceeded to defecate inside the water tank of each one. I don’t know what G is feeding that monkey, but damn!

Dec 27, 2013. Shit, I’m tired. G outsourced me to that dude who always invades via the apartment balcony to deliver bass strings to the bass player children of the world the other day. Turns out, I fucked up and gave a bunch of five and six string bass player kids, four string packs, so he made me go out AGAIN the next day to fix the problem. Turns out, that for some reason, descending into people’s homes via chimney is only considered acceptable behaviour one night out of 365. Or at least, that’s what police officers in 45 countries on the planet seem to think. I have to go out again tonight, but I’m just going to drop molotovs down the chimney instead. Fuck getting arrested again.

Jan 10, 2014. G sent me to the year 2018 to find some lady. Turns out she was laughing historically on February 6th. I return with this information. Not a very exciting adventure, and then me and the monkey play a game called hide G’s sandwich. The crawl space is full of’em.

Jan 24, 2014. I find a diary penned by a version of me, 8 generations ago. In clone generational math, that was about 3 minutes. Weird.

Jan 31, 2014. Today was a good day. I got to use my A.K. Daviel Batryan won the Regal Vibration. The WW’Eh Channel is available in Canuckstan. And the company hired a mainstream darling named D.N. Goth. This is the brightest timeline.

February 7, 2014. Went to the opening ceremonies. Yeah, that’s the ticket. The opening ceremonies. Many were lost in the battle today. I live on. Remember the fallen clones.

February 14, 2014. G said since it’s Valentine’s Day, I have to do something special for J.T. who is trapped in his apartment basement. When I asked why me, he screamed back at me, “THERE’S NO TIME!” and he proceeded to watch men’s doubles in luge. So, I took J.T. back in time to ride a brontosaurus. I don’t think he understand what I meant, but I have to admit, I’ve never seen a brontosaurus smile like that before!

February 21, 2014. G sent me back to lift Jamie Benn’s stick on a shot from the point to ensure the dreams and hopes of USA hockey fans were crushed like the hopes and dreams of Canadian WWE fans unable to order the WWE Network.

March 14, 2014. I was sent to get some popcorn from the future. Corn had become extinct in the year I was sent to. I searched for months and months (since time is relative) to no avail. When I was summoned back, I was repeated whipped and forced to drink bleach. I can see through time… Then I fell down a mountain and some random redhead giant kept shoving his pet snake in my mouth.
March 21, 2014. G sent me to be a ringer in some college basketball game today. Not sure why, he was mumbling something about busting 99% of people’s brackets. I think he really must have issues with shelves.

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