Home ▸ SmackDown ▸ Smackdown 03/29/13

You would have thought that the WWE would have promoted the fact that the Rock was appearing on Smackdown tonight. Nope. They kind of forgot to do that. Yet they spoil other outcomes on the same program on their website. Weird. I mean it’s Smackdown, it’s not like we’re getting a surprise return or anything either… right? Something about hopping time.

“I watch, write, suffer, and succumb to this show, yet have to remind myself of what happened only minutes after each episode. That is how G’s Smackdown reviews work. And as J.T. Hogan has observed, it often makes more sense than the program you are actually watching. This is not a play-by-play recap, there’s enough of those online. This is a highly-opinionated take of the show in question.

– Walmart announcer guy gets on the P.A.: “Attention shoppers. We have a special on Pet Rocks in the Main Event aisle, only 9 days remaining. Free box of Fruity Pebbles if you buy one today. Due to shortages of personal ring announcers, we can no longer offer complimentary race cards with Jack Swagger’s America. All Mexican champions will be compensated with dark sides to ensure our loyal customers are happy… Clean up in Aisle WWE, we need a clean up in Aisle WWE. The Shield has tipped over the Big Show Potato and Robot display, we need a clean up in Aisle WWE.”

I sincerely feel really bad about making this. Just kidding. He’ll be ok as he falls asleep on his millions of dollars.

– Our show kicks off with The Duane. The crowd erupts like Mt. Etna as magma becomes lava consuming the audience like those of Pompeii. A tragedy, really. Rock has decided to do another storytime segment like the one he did a month ago involving crack addicts and stolen cars. This one is about finding a candy bar, and threatening to beat up an old lady culminating in the creation of the “candy-ass” catch phrase. Then he says “candy-ass” a billion more times and so forth… until…

It’s even MORE funny when you rub it in, AND make it wrestling related.

– PEOPLE POWER!!! Johnny “Ace” Laurinaitis has returned. J.T. is seen in the crowd holding up a sign pondering, “Hey, I thought he was dead!” “Sorry, J.T. that’s Reid Flair your thinking of,” I write on my flat screen TV with the Jiffy Marker filled with the ink of lies. Sadly though, Flair’s kid did die today. He was 24. Shitty deal. Maybe he’ll come back on Monday? Commercial break.

THE FUCK!?!?

– “Who in the blue hell are you?” demands The Duane. John explains to the Rock who he is, but Rock is pissed. The Ghost of Teddy Long has allowed Ace to be here. Laurinaitis explains that they share a common enemy in John Cena, since Cena was the person who got him fired and wants to be in the corner of The Rock. “Do you want to be popular, or do you want to win?” he asks, assuring that with him as his corner man there is no way, “And Big Johnny means NO WAY!” Rock can lose. Rock acknowledges the similarity of People Power and The People’s Champ, so he polls the People. Rock says they should send a message to Cena together… starting with a handshake… which of course ends up as a Rock Bottom. Then a People’s Elbow.

It’s what he would have wanted…

– * Non-Title Match: Wade Barrett {C} vs. Chris Jericho. The Miz joins commentary because he is now facing Medium Sized Business owner, Wade Barrett, for his Intercontinental Championship (which now sports Barrett Barrage Energy Bar side-plates). The match finally gets under way and Barrett lands a big boot on Jericho taking him out of the ring, prompting a commercial break. We’re back, and at a high pace as Jericho is a whirlwind in the ring, matching the moveset of Barrett like only few can. Bickering between Barrett and Miz ultimately costs Barrett the match allowing Jericho to hit a code-breaker and the pin. Post match Y2J, grabs the microphone and observes that the stage is set up for Fandango’s entrance. He will try to attempt to pronounce his WM29 opponent’s name. More silly names, but Jericho lands a winner with “I see a little silhouetto of a man. Scaramouch, scaramouch will you do the fandango.” WIN!

– Enter the master of the Bukkake himself, Fandango. He does his dancing bit, but opts not to take up Jericho on his invitation to enter the ring. Shocking.

Mmm, Mmm, Good.

– I hear a knock on my door. It’s J.T.
J.T.: “Hey G, have you seen Team Alpha? They haven’t shown up to the arena yet. They usually attack you by now at this point in your reviews.”
G: “No, wait, how did you get here so quick?”
J.T.: “Never mind, just suspend your disbelief. Is Jorge ok? I think you killed him off last week, correct?”
G: “Well… aww, shucks. Yeah, I killed him. I’m sure he’ll be back, though. We’re just going through a couple weird weeks at BWF Radio (every Sunday at 2PM EST). It probably has something to do with that.”
J.T.: “Oh. Ok. Hey can I borrow some popcorn and whiskey? The concessions line is pretty long in Hershey, PA.”

– I hand J.T. some munchies and alcohol, and as oddly as he arrived, he vanishes in a veil of green mist as if he channeled his inner Japanese flippy floppy wrestling powers or something.

@Charles Barkley @G: “Kentucky… why have you forsaken me?”

@G @Charles Barkley: “They lost, deal with it. Just like how the IWC will have to deal with the outcomes at WM29.”

– Josh “One-T” Mathews interviews Paul E. Heyman about what’s up with Brock Lesnar and HHH. Heyman is sporting some unconvincing make up making his face look all bruised and battered. Nice touch. Heyman makes for an incredible interview alluding to HHH being a representative of the entire roster, but he is jealous of them. Great segment.

– * Mark Henry vs. Ryback in a Weight Lifting Competition. You read that right. Sweet Zombie Jesus, this should be terrible. Bok-Choy T and The Ghost of Teddy Long introduce the two combatants, as Long steals a little limelight from T, teasing the tension between the two. It continues as Long continues to note decisions he made, like allowing Henry to start first on the cursed bench press challenge of engagement (-3, -6 against me giving a fuck). Henry needs to lift more than 51 to beat the all time record. Great. The crowd counts along as Henry lifts the obviously gimmicked weights. Henry lands 54 fake reps. “THAT’S WHAT I DO!” he shouts. Ryback goes to beat the record, so Henry interferes, pushing the weight down and into the throat of the Hungry Ryback crushing his trachea or something. Medical staff come out to laugh at Ryback and begin tickling him. He eats them. Local news reports that ten people were sent to hospital suffering from fits of boredom and apathy.

I sincerely love this gif.

– * Daniel Bryan and Kaitlyn w/ Kane vs. Dolph Ziggler and AJ w/ Big E. Langston. Transgender match! Exciting! While I respect AJ’s enthusiasm for the business, she manages to botch more moves than Sin Cara. It’s too bad random facial expressions don’t count as moves. She does something to Kaitlynner that causes damage, the fuck if I know what it is. Bryan and Ziggler carry the entertaining portion of the bout, as both can actually sell moves without tripping over their own feet. But outside interference forces them to put the ladies back in. This just results in a shmoz, in which Bryan sends Dolph twenty rows into the audience spilling J.T.’s popcorn and whiskey shots. Kaitlynning spears AJ as the legal woman and wins. Great.

No reason for this one.

– Shield shaky camera phone segment! Ambrose calls bullshit on the faces’ WM cliches about coming together to beat the dastardly heels. Even marbles-in-the-mouth, Reigns, gets some good points in. The promo is fantastic, and seeps seriousness into the match build and I am very much so more invested in the match. The Shield better fucking win or the WWE might as well give us Aces and Eights. Fuck Randall Keith Orton, Unmixed Strawberry Yogurt and The Big Show. What do they have to gain here? Nothing. Who wants to see them win? Nobody. Who disagrees with me? Fuck you. 🙂

– * Jack Swagger vs. The Mediocre Khali. Zeb Coulter starts out with a brief rant about outsourcing of help centers to India on Khali. Pretty short, actually. The match starts as Hornswoggle grabs his Shop-Vac and Khali feigns mobility with some chops to Swagger. Fun! If terrible is fun, sign me up for a best of seven series, folks. After numerous attempts, Swagger slaps on a Patriot Act on The Mediocre one outside the ring. The arena explodes as a dust cloud sets in. I think the referee calls for a double count out. Ric-Rod interrupts a midget beatdown, which serves as a distraction for ADR to attack! Ric-Rod crotches Coulter with his crutch, then tosses his medical accessory to ADR. Alberto swings to no avail as Swagger escapes. J.T. is seen holding up a sign in the audience noting, “Fuck you Swagger, I just got another whiskey sour, and now there is Khali-knee-dust up in this shit. No more Syracuse Crunch in my beverages! On a side note, the Knee-dust really brings out the corn in this bucket of popped kernels!”.

Enter the Maddox

– There’s still a half an hour left in this fucker? Where’s Ron Simmons when you need him?

– Renee Paquette Young (I miss her on The Score) interviewing Randall Keith Orton, Sheamus, and Paul White. Orton talks about Cheeseburgers and Fish Meals, Sheamus notes how he likes arses, and Big Show cries. Orton tells them they have to focus and get on the same Paige. I feel bad for her, she should be on the main show, not miring away in NXT like where Renee Young has been until about now. Plus, that’s not PG television.

Apt score.

– “Unlike this dysfunctional, and motley crew we are about to face this evening… I, Damien Sandow. My best friend, Cody Rhodes. And our esteemed colleague, Antonio Cesaro… are the quintessential six-man team. Not only do we possess superior intelligence, we all share a mutual disdain for ignorance!” begins Sandow. Rhodes and Cesaro do their best to follow up on that. You know what that means…

Pre-orders include Rey Mysterio knee-braces and wellness violation drugs!.

– * Randy Orton, Big Show & Sheamus vs. Cody Rhodes, Damien Sandow & Antonio Cesaro. Sigh. More jobbing to set up Team Beta against Team WWE at WM29. I like the so-called “heels” much more than any of the other three these days, which probably makes me akin to the average IWC smart-mark like you’d expect. I know what I expect… a good match, until The Shield run in and end the show. Might as well give these typing hands a rest and let it happen. I’ll let you know if I’m wrong. I did dislike Math teacher Sheamus pretty much jobbing out Team Rhodes Scholars at the end, but for what it was worth, the majority of the match felt rather even. Sheamus ultimately picks up the win with the White Noise of Rhodes. Enter The Shield. Yep. Team WWE decides to take it to them in the arena aisles, and cause chaos among the crowd. J.T. holds up a sign complaining, “WHAT THE FUCK! Big Show just knocked over my popcorn and whiskey! HOW MANY OF THESE DO I NEED TO PURCHASE?!?!?!” CM Punk shows up for no reason and punches a fan in the audience. Bully Ray calls someone a British cigarette and immediately apologizes since he’s not even on WWE anymore. Team WWE runs off The Shield and Team Alpha is nowhere to be seen. Ahh… whatever, I enjoyed much of the show.

I criticize because I care. I did enjoy the show. I wouldn’t watch if I didn’t love this shit.

The WWE logo comes up, and I’m out.

Tell me I’m a retard on Twitter! Yes, you can mock me on social media now here: @GoftheInternet

That DamnDoubleC thought I should include this in the review, I obliged. Here you go:
[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JImVExWW8KA[/youtube]

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WTF?

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Why is this section even here? What could it mean? Will Joe even notice? So many questions, none of which I will ever answer.

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Shameless Plugs!

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