Home ▸ SmackDown ▸ Smackdown 04/12/13

On RAW, the crowd made the difference for the show to be a winner, ultimately, which I suspect and hope will remain a tradition as the so-called “hardcore” smarks stick around for it. Will that many of them stick around for Smackdown? I’d like to think so… but this “thing” is still a new “thing.” Only one way to find out, and you know what that means. Into the back of the closet and into Narnia, kiddo, we’re hunting wabbits. Hopping time! (a.k.a. Beer will make this better).

The customary hand wave after a goal is scored.

“I watch, write, suffer, and succumb to this show, yet have to remind myself of what happened only minutes after each episode. That is how G’s Smackdown reviews work. And as J.T. Hogan has observed, it often makes more sense than the program you are actually watching. This is not a play-by-play recap, there’s enough of those online. This is a highly-opinionated take of the show in question.

– A man stands in front of the camera holding a bunch of cards. The first one depicts multiple H’s, “MMA”, and “narcolepsy.” The next card says “Public Apology and PPV refund.” The next card shows a bunch of spaghetti in a briefcase, a burrito being stepped on, and “The only good thing on RAW outside the crowd.” Bob Dylan then kicks the random man in the face and mumbles something incoherent. Roman Reigns walks on with his own card, that reads, “Me too.”

Ahh, the RAW after WrestleMania. The start of a new season. I guess.

– The show kicks off with Biggie Smalls conducting a rap battle with no one (because he’s dead), and introduces The Flying Spaghetti Bumper, and your new World Heavyweight Champion, Dolph Ziggler. AJ’s there too, like I give a fuck. Dolph’s voice is cracking constantly, it’s unsettling. Yes, why I DO want fries with my Krusty Burger. Dolph cuts a great promo about being athletically skilled, having his name chanted at WM29, and cashing in on ADR last Monday on R(y)AW(n). It’s just a shame his voice is clearly gone. Enter the Swagger and Zeb Coulter.

– Zeb does the talking, introduces himself, and notes that the reason Ziggler won the title is that Swagger tenderized ADR for him. Dolph tells Swagger to get to the back of the line. Swagger and Coulter leave, issuing a warning that they better get a rematch or else… patience can only last so long.

– The parade continues as Alberto Del Rio limps out to also interrupt. He’s feigning a limp or something. Ziggler dares ADR to come down to the ring for his rematch right now. Del Rio congratulates Dolph, and explains when his ankle heals, he will get his rematch. Then he quotes T2 with “Hasta La Vista, Baby.” Way to stay relevant to the times, WWE. J.T. is seen in the audience holding up a sign that says, “That fucking sucked.”

– Ziggler threatens the next person who walks through the curtains, that it’s go time. So enter Chris Jericho with a shit-eating grin. It’s the swan song for Y2J’s recent return before he goes Wakka Wakka Wakka World Tour. Then Y2J gets the crowd to chant AJ’s crazy… sets up a match. Classic Jericho.

The Druids have been replaced by zombies. WWE clearly likes Daryl Dixon and The Walking Dead. That was so obvious, and my favorite Undertaker entrance of all time.

– The Primetime Players are in the ring, doing their “Millions of Dollars” dance. Vince McMahon is immediately shown on the Titantron diving into a vault of money like Scrooge McDuck on Duck Tales (Woo-Oooh!). HHH appears in a box in the upper left simultaneously as Ted Dibiase (sans Virgil) appears in another box in the bottom right. Dibiase is laughing the entire time as HHH cuts a promo about us stupid marks slapping down $60-70 for a bunch of rehashed matches and bullshit no one wanted to see. He then smashes a sledgehammer into a glass ceiling THAT WILL NOT DIE. Albeit, the ghost of Brian Pillman is seen lurking in the background with a gun…

– * Non-Title Match: Team Hell No {C} vs. Primetime Players. Bryan submits the other Cena is about a minute. Who fucking cares. Non title match. That means “they don’t care.” Cut to a Shield video.

Ambrose: Congratulations on that win, and that feeling of standing next to your brother on Monday must have raised your spirits, Kane. The brothers of destruction, back together again… one big happy family. But I hope, you didn’t mistake our tactics as a sign of weakness. Only a fool would do that. And I hope, you don’t think that we’re afraid. You’ve got to have a brain to survive in this world, and that’s knowing when, and where to strike. We didn’t back down…
Mumbly Joe: The Shield doesn’t back down. We never run from a fight.
Henry Rollins: Believe that! And believe in Team Beta.

– The Shield really need to treat their camera phones better. They always drop those things on the ground. JBL demands to know if Cole believes in the Shield, who dodges the question. J.T. is seen in the audience holding up a sign stating, “Sorry Jorge, my phone ran out of power… can’t get on Twitter. No, I haven’t seen Joe recently either.”

This happened. And people bash Miss Assmaster in TNA. LOL. Justify this, WWE apologists.

– * Non-Title Match: Wade Barrett {C} vs. Santino Marella. The medium sized business own comes out, does a little cat-and-mouse match with Marella. Santino sets up his Cobra, only to get his block knocked off. Short match. Barrett retains the title that is not even on the line and shoots Barrett Barrage Energy Bars into the audience out of a T-Shirt gun as he leaves. The crowd has a sad.

– Honey Book Book T is with The Ghost of Teddy Long, and is confronted by both Sheamus and Orton about why that Twitter poll on RAW was ignored and the bullshit match happened, and why the popcorn vendor was over more than them. Long notes, everyone makes mistakes (see: The Miz, WWE Champion). So Boo Boo books the two in a cripple adventure against The Baggins Show. Then Boo Boo T stares at Long, crosses the streams and unleashes poltergeists, shades, apparitions, phantoms, and of course, ghosts into the city of Boston. The Stay Puft Marshmallow Man wreaks havoc in the city, destroying colonial landmarks without apprehension or guilt. “WHO YOU GONNA CALL, SUCKAH!” screams Boo Boo T. Brodus Clay is seen in the background jumping up and down raising his hand like an 8 year old in math class. Boo Boo T spins on his heels, and shoots Brodus in the fucking head with a rocket launcher, still screaming, “NOBODY! NO GHOSTBUSTERS IN MOTHERFUCKING BOSTON!” He then does a Spin-a-Rooni on Clay’s corpse for good measure. Slimer is seen crouching in the corner, clutching his knees and rocking back and forth mumbling, “Can’t sleep… Booker’s gonna eat me…”

– * The Bellas & Tamina vs. Kaitlyn, Naomi & Cameron. Lame… meanwhile, back at Team Alpha control center:

Fuck this. FFW time! I immediately look around for my mysterious attacker. I check every nook and cranny in this apartment. Seems safe. I plop back down in front of my computer and notice Jorge on the balcony. I let him in.
“Hey G,” says Jorge, “Have you seen Joe?”
“Nope,” I Ambrose back to him.
“Last time I saw him, he was humming that Fandango meme song on RAW on Monday,” notes Jorge, “He’s been MIA since then.”
“Ahh, he’s probably caught up in a cult or mob mentality type of thing. You know, the brain washing type of deal that can happen at live events. Essentially he has become a zombie,” I reply.
“Joe wouldn’t succumb to that,” protests Jorge, “He’s a smark.”
“Nah, dude,” I reply, “It’s called ‘group think.’ A phenomenon when people get caught up in the moment and make hasty decisions and observations because of the overwhelmingly intense, and empowering moment. He should be okay. He’s probably just humming that Fandango song somewhere. It’s Zack Ryder Redeux. It’ll end. Someone will call his Momma.”
“Ok, I guess no Team Alpha attack on Orton tonight?” inquires Jorge.
“No need. Orton will forget his line and have to ask Sheamus what to say, essentially burying himself.”

– Jorge hops on his authentic hover-board a la Back to the Future (Part 2) and flies away.

– The plastic roll around and shit. The Bellas win. Wow, what a bunch of terrible wrestling tonight! Another 2 minute match at best. I don’t time this shit. J.T. is seen in the audience holding up a sign that says, “BRB, gonna go grab more beer. This fucking sucks.” I use my jiffy marker filled with the ink of lies and write on my television, “No doubt prop J.T. in the audience, I suspect they are punishing the fans because they took over RAW on Monday because it was fucking terrible otherwise. Except Dolph winning, but still. Terrible.”

– Speaking of “turrible.”

@Charles Barkley @G: “…so I voted on Twitter for Sheamus over Orton to face the Big Show, and then they decided ignore their own poll and just make them face each other instead.”

@G @Charles Barkley: “I don’t know how I can hear your lunch conversation via Twitter, this makes no sense.”

– HHH’s music plays! It’s time to be ashamed! Sigh… At least he doesn’t look like his chest is covered with bukkake souvenirs like it did at Mania (it was a dry ice botch). I’ll recap the main sentiment of this bullshit excuse making for that shittacular match on Sunday. Doesn’t last long, as HHH attempts to salvage face while 3MB interjects. Slater tells him to shut up, and that the way to get noticed is take down a big dog. Glass ceiling time… fuck. As they swarm the ring, The Shield’s music plays… and they come out eating ice cream, popcorn, and cotton candy (all readily available in the concourse). The Shield take out 3MB. Then THEY swarm the ring, but Team Friendship’s music hits and they run off Team Beta. J.T. is seen in the audience holding up a sign noting, “It all revolves around HHH, huh? Need more beer. BRB.”

– The Big Show teaches Boo Boo T about the word “bias” and this bullshit cripple match he has against Randall Keith Orton and Unmixed Strawberry Yogurt. Show threatens to walk out, Booker says he’ll take him to court. Yay? This is the worst start to a new WWE season I can remember in a Teddy Long time.

WWE remembering how to troll? Priceless. Ryback being Cena’s friend? 1980’s WWF booking. Thank you WWE for remembering we don’t want to see that. Then RAW happened. Sad faces were seen by all except for the New Jersey crowd who were booking their own show.

– * Randy Orton & Sheamus vs. Big Show. I notice Joe shambling around in a Fandango shirt humming something. He’s staring at a corner… “It’s almost sunset, and I am legend” is seen on a sign in the crowd… I realize J.T. is back and is drunker than ever. He has Jorge with him, armed with a crossbow. “Don’t do it!” I write frantically on my television with the jiffy marker filled with the ink of lies… “He’s just in a trance, he’ll come out of it. It’s the experience of attending live! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!” It’s too late, they are already in position, out of camera sight lines.

– Orton starts, trying to exchange punches with the giant. Not a good idea. This dissolves into Show dominating, but missing a middle rope elbow drop. Sheamus gets the hot tag and Orton recovers. Sheamus eats a spear, and the tables turns. Rinse wash repeat. Orton snags an RKO, Sheamus with a Brogue kick, and outside the ring rolls the Show. He walks off as the crowd chants for the heroin dealer in section 5A, seat 63. Sheamus/Orton with the countout victory.

Oops.

– Backstage Sheamus and Orton discuss their match with Renee Young. Orton, bails. Sheamus says some crap, then Mark Henry attacks him from behind and smashes him iinto a table. Oh well.

– * Non-Title Match: Antonio Cesaro {C} vs. Kofi Kingston. You have no idea how angry I am with all of these non-title matches. It’s bullshit. There’s 3/4 at this point, “spoiler.” This one looks to be good, though. I’m wrong. We do get three minutes of great action, but Kingston wins, and should really have become the new U.S. Champion. So that’s bullshit. Bring it on WWE, bring it on you mother fuckers.

“Yeah! It’s time for my mid-match nap!”

– Fandango’s music hits, and he does his usual entrance. It is at this time I notice the entire hard camera side looks kind of funny. Some appear to be eating… PEOPLE! THAT’S NOT FUCKING POPCORN, COTTON CANDY, OR ANYTHING THEY SELL IN THE FUCKING CONCOURSE!!! THE FUCK! J.T. holds up a sign stating, “HELP! THEY ARE ALL HUMMING SOME WEIRD SONG AND KILLING PEOPLE” Pfffffth! Pfffffth! Pfffffth! Jorge shoots multiple bolts from his crossbow into the undead as they meander towards the two, as Zombie-Joe leads the way. J.T. sits down and begins calmly munching popcorn and drinking whiskey shots. He nonchalantly holds up a sign noting, “I always survive this shit anyways. V.I.P. has it’s privileges, brother, dude, brother.” Jorge looks down at J.T. slightly annoyed, does a 480 degree flip while shooting two zombies with his X-bow and stabbing another in the face. We cut to commercials….

Little known Slenderman fact. He was part of a failed boy band in Japan before he started killing people.

– I guess Fandango joined commentary? Something like that, or he is just watching ringside making face fishface facebook faces. Meanwhile, the zombie apocalypse begins tonight, and hot damn, this G is one excited dude. Our main event gets underway, oblivious to the carnage and end-of-days around them… J.T. must have zombie repellent, or some shit, as zombie-Joe has joined him while chomping on his own snack, an ulna from Sign Guy (ed: yeah, I killed that dude).

I fucking hate when that happens…

– * Non-Title Match: Dolph Ziggler {C} vs. Chris Jericho. Ok. THIS looks good. For the love of Wayne Gretzky, be a good match! And it is! Lots of interference cultiminates with a Ziggler pin and win on Jericho, but both are given time and actually have a long match. Yes, that happens. Post match Biggie Smalls attacks Y2J, effectively writing him off the show to Wakka Wakka Wakka. Then Fandango enters and dances and shit around the fallen Jericho. The crowd sparsely hums along. The zombies have been driven off, and Jorge is seen holding up a crossbow that says, “Johnny Curtis doesn’t deserve to be a meme.” Legdrop, pindrop in the arena. Woo, Woo, Woo, it’s over. “Fann-Dang-Go!” Boston doesn’t give a fuck that day.

D-Bry shows who REALLY was “made” at RAW after a WrestleMania.

I criticize because I care. I did enjoy the show. I wouldn’t watch if I didn’t love this shit.

The WWE logo comes up, and I’m out.

Tell me I’m a retard on Twitter! Yes, you can mock me on social media now here: @GoftheInternet

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Shameless Plugs!

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