Home ▸ SmackDown ▸ Smackdown 04/25/14

Just got home from work, and it’s the second intermission between Anaheim and Dallas in the NHL playoffs. So let’s get to some of this crap, yo.

Hopping time, I ate a bunny last weekend.

“I watch, write, suffer, and succumb to this show, yet have to remind myself of what happened only minutes after each episode. I don’t just do results, more what is going on while I watch the show…”.

– “Excuse me!” shrieks Vic-Rod as we kick off the show. Whoop dee doo. She has Paul Heyman w/ Cesaro and Coutler w/ Swagger for a debate. Ok, this will likely be a highlight of the show. The topic is Cesaro leaving The Real Americans. Coulter claims he was ambushed on the RAW following WMXXX. Ten months ago, no one knew Cesaro’s name. He begged to join and Coulter made him… time runs out.

Cheeky…

– Next up is Paul Heyman who says…?

He legit says this numerous times

– Cesaro looks amused by Heyman repeatedly says this because is was HIS client. The point being, working with Heyman guarantees success. Rybaxle is seen back stage crying. Coulter demands to know why Heyman stole Cesaro away from the Real Americans. The hard answer is, “I’m the 1 behind the 1 in 21 in 1.” When was the last time a Zeb Coulter guy won? The answer was Cesaro, but not really you see. Because Cesaro was already a Paul Heyman guy when he won the ARMBAR.

– Coulter cuts the shit and and he and Heyman bicker, and then almost get into fisticuffs! Pretty solid. Ok is hockey back on?

– * Cesaro vs. Jack Swagger. Not back on yet, so checking this out. The two managers stare on, living vicariously through their guys like a through back to the 1980’s. And unlike The Ascension on NXT (who are just an entrance), give me back managers anytime. And if you like stiff wrestlers that can do way more than an entrance, this is a match for you. They take it in and outside the ring, and get aerial to boot. Cesaro has added a Hulking-Up spot to his repertoire, which is worth noting, and likens it self to a subtle gaining of strength while in a bar brawl or something akin. And that is what is excellent about it: subtlety. Reality Era? Yeah, that’s probably it. BALL GAME! shouts JBL as Cesaro lands his finisher for the win after a lengthy swing.

The Rattlesnake of Rotation.

– Cue The Shield’s music who come down and lay a beating on Swagger. Sort of like the beatdown Anaheim laid on Dallas in the third period. Ambrose asks about Hunter’s line, “Adapt or persish” and notes Swagger failed to do that.

– A Paige clip package airs… so, here’s Wednesday’s Addam’s Family song lyrics remixed for her (courtesy of my terrible sense of humor):

She’s Brit-y and she’s paley,
There’s no way she is Baley
She beat the champ AJ Lee,

Wrestling chicks who be botchy
That get jobs upon their body
Aksana, she be shoddy
The Bevis Family.

(Neat)
(Sweet)
(Petite)

So get a Norwich brawl on
A champ that you can call on
The Divas need to watch on
The Bevis Family.

– * Natalya vs. Tamina. You would’ve thought this would’ve been good. It was ok. Little time. Tamina picked up a hard earned win, well as hard earned as you could get in 3 minutes.

– Seth Rollins confronts 3MB backstage. Then the rest of The Shield shows up. More revenge for that match on Monday. They destroy 3MB. More to follow.

This episode is turning into one of these..

– Maggle and JBL shill The Network.

– Vic-Rod is on the phone talking to “sir”, and questioning some decision about Brad Maddox, and something being “best for business”. Looks like he’s been called in by HHH to take over the show and handle the “The Shield” situation as The Authority is on “vacation”.

– * Jey Uso vs. Curtis Axel. Yay? Yep, Ryback and Jimmy are at ringside too. So obviously, The Shield will run out at some point and extract revenge on two more of their attackers. This is kind of boring, so I summon some demons from the ninth plane of Hades to go get me some pizza. They oblige, and almost instantaneously they reappear. I refuse to reimburse them. It’s called karma, dudes. Sadly, Karma does not collect here. Rybaxle walks away as Curtis picks up a win and I eat my pizza topped with the souls of the damned and those cursed to walk the earth for eternity. Pretty tasty stuff, I’ll tell you what. That boy ain’t right.

– The second hour (wait, what? I’m only half way through?!?! FUCK THAT), kicks off with a recap of John Cena getting the long end of the stick as the WWE Intravortex voted for all 124,532,335 members of the Wyatts to face him in a Make-A-Wish match on Monday. The smarks got their wish…

Someone is feeling a wee bit “divey”.

– Wyatt stands aside his cronies. The word of the week tonight is “Love”. This you need to go back and watch and make your own sense out of it. My take? Love is undefinable and can’t be explained. The fans voted for him to be thrown to the wolves. Bray is reflecting the idea that the fans want Cena to embrace his inner rage and hate, because the fans (i.e. boys over twelve) want this. And after cutting one the best promos to date, Wyatt slinks up the cage, and dangles himself over the top. He notes, “Can’t you hear them singing”, and on cue, many of the audience immediately picks up the chorus along with Bray, “He’s got the whole world..”, etc. Mighty fine segment.

– * Erick Rowan and Luke Harper vs. Cody Rhodes and Goldust. It appears that The Rhodes Bros have been released once again. Surpringly, this match should be decent (except for parts including Rowan, I suspect). Early into this, Bray is given a live microphone and asks the audience if they are not impressed with the beat down the Family is laying down. This is the future… and then he goes to chill in his rocking chair. The Family dominates much of the match, but the faces get their time to shine. Harper ultimately capitalizes on a mistake by Goldust, and picks up the win in a fun match.

It’s just not as exciting..

– Backstage, The Shield ambush Brad Maddox on the phone, and Ambrose channels his inner psychopath. Then we’re told we are getting another 11-3 handicap match tonight.

– * Emma and Santino vs. Layla and Fandango in an I-Don’t-Give-A-Shit match. FFW. Wait! The Shield shows up and beats the fuck out of Fandango on the entrance ramp! They set him up for a triple power bomb off the stage through a table below! Believe in The Shield mother fuckers.

– Match cancelled. Kane and Bryan clips, etc.

Give a wrestler a dancing gimmick…

– We’re told Curtis Axle was found backstage decimated….

* The Shield Competes in a Handicap Match vs. Swagger, Del Rio, Bad News Barrage Barrett, Titus O’Neil, Damien Sandow, Fandango, 3MB and Rybaxle. Clearly this one is still lopsided, and the heels do their best not to get future-endeavored. The story here is very typical of handicapped tag matches. The heels overwhelm one guy (Ambrose), and that fellow bumps for ages until the hot tag is given. Then everything breaks down into chaotic fashion. But was it good, you ask? Sure. It was decent. They were given oodles of time to tell said story, and twas such. Barrett and Del Rio look to walk out at one point fearing Reigns.

Scuba Cat motherfucker..

– So Reigns goes into stealth mode and double-Superman-punches them from out of the audience at the top of the entrance ramp. Reigns makes his way back down to spear a beaten Damien Sandow into oblivion. He picks up the pin and the win, but Justice has not prevailed. No sir/ma’am. They still need to beat down Titus O’Neil some more. Spear. Ryback? Nope. Toss him into the ring for a Reigns spear. Ryback gets a Triple-Powerbomb for dessert. Believe.

I criticize because I care. I did enjoy the show. I wouldn’t watch if I didn’t love this shit.

The WWE logo comes up, and I’m out.

I land my finisher, the “Delete Recording” and call it a night.

Tell me I’m a retard on Twitter! Yes, you can mock me on social media now here: @GoftheInternet

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WTF?

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Sept 6, 2013. I am a clone of G. I am currently handcuffed to one of the lower legs of G’s sofa in his apartment. Yesterday, while the real G was at work, monkey nearby shrieked at me to attempt to lift the sofa. It worked! I went to thank the monkey located in an open-doored cage on the stairs leading down to the basement of G’s basement apartment, and noticed a large man strapped into a chair in the basement. I then heard the original G returning home. I need to find his magical device that created me…

Sept 13, 2013. The real Gee has noticed my writing. That stupid fuck hasn’t deleted anything, but he did taze me repeatedly. I still think there is a monkey held captive on the stairs to the second level of this building.
Sept 20, 2013. Made progress today. Discovered some kind of cloning device. I used it to clone the device itself, and hid the copy under the couch I am “hand-cuffed” to. The monkey saw this, but I don’t think he’ll say anything. He’s a monkey, after all. Some dude named Johnny Storm stopped by to say hi. Weird.

Sept 27, 2013. An obese man who claims to be famous magically appeared in the living room today. He told me the cloning gadget I made a copy of has the powers to do much more. Sounded like a bunch of crap to me. I immediately knocked him out and tied him up beside the one the “real” G calls “Barks.” Both look the same. I killed the new guy and fed him to the other captives. I think. They both look the same. All of that future-talk and preventing the death of kayfabe annoyed me. Either way, one of the “Barks” was dinner. He tasted like chicken. Big surprise there.

Oct 4, 2013. So I guess the guy I fed to his doppleganger was actually able to escape last week with help from that J.T. guy. He was screaming something about “his” chair. Either way, G is pissed and punished me all week. He said something about maybe sending me to Fall Camp. I decided to not make any decisive moves. It seems for the best. Just like the WWE, I guess, albeit “best” isn’t the “best” word I’d use to describe the product.

Oct 18, 2013. It’s been a while since I’ve been able to write here. G has been continually sending me off to ancient historical eras to collect random artifacts. I don’t understand why a stool sample from Henry Hudson is so important. And what was the point of leaving a smoke bomb in the front hall of the Palace of Versailles on May 6, 1682? I’m told I’m going to have to… gotta go. He’s home.

Nov. 8, 2013. I’ve been sent on a bunch of weird missions. The most weird was when G sent me back to 2008. See, I snuck former PM Tony Blair into Buckingham Palace and stapled old-people-face to his kind of already old-people-face. No one has noticed even until today. I still don’t understand why he made me do that.

Nov. 15, 2013. This last week was even more bizarre. He made me put on some suit and a red tie and shave my head, and then pretend to be in control of his weekly scab collecting group. I burst in, and told the vice president and current scab champion collector that I was in charge. We bickered back and forth for a while, and then G kicked in the door dressed in drag and began shrieking that since he was the vice president of the chess club next door he was taking over. Very odd.

Dec. 6, 2013: Charles Barkley recently abducted me and took me on a cruise ship with him. We circumvented the planet, stopping at various ports-of-call, and living the high life again. It was really awesome. Then sadly, today, I awoke only to find myself back on the couch of G’s apartment. Was it all a dream?

Dec. 13, 2013. Nope, not a dream. In fact somewhat of a nightmare. This week I was forced to go to work for G while he vigorously stayed home masturbating (I can only assume) and eating nachos. Work sucked. Firstly, I am not trained to do anything G actually does at his jobs, so I looked like a complete idiot. Oddly enough, some fellow who has a Bruce Springsteen complex and calls himself “The Boss” told me that my work had shown significant improvement today. I am pretty sure G’s jobs don’t involve a body count, though.

Dec 20, 2013. Just got back from a reconnaissance mission to infiltrate Charles Barkley’s place. G insisted I take the monkey from the open cage on the stairs with me. He told me the monkey was given special orders, and my job was to get the little guy into the house. I did as I was told. Once inside, the monkey went to every toilet in the house and proceeded to defecate inside the water tank of each one. I don’t know what G is feeding that monkey, but damn!

Dec 27, 2013. Shit, I’m tired. G outsourced me to that dude who always invades via the apartment balcony to deliver bass strings to the bass player children of the world the other day. Turns out, I fucked up and gave a bunch of five and six string bass player kids, four string packs, so he made me go out AGAIN the next day to fix the problem. Turns out, that for some reason, descending into people’s homes via chimney is only considered acceptable behaviour one night out of 365. Or at least, that’s what police officers in 45 countries on the planet seem to think. I have to go out again tonight, but I’m just going to drop molotovs down the chimney instead. Fuck getting arrested again.

Jan 10, 2014. G sent me to the year 2018 to find some lady. Turns out she was laughing historically on February 6th. I return with this information. Not a very exciting adventure, and then me and the monkey play a game called hide G’s sandwich. The crawl space is full of’em.

Jan 24, 2014. I find a diary penned by a version of me, 8 generations ago. In clone generational math, that was about 3 minutes. Weird.

Jan 31, 2014. Today was a good day. I got to use my A.K. Daviel Batryan won the Regal Vibration. The WW’Eh Channel is available in Canuckstan. And the company hired a mainstream darling named D.N. Goth. This is the brightest timeline.

February 7, 2014. Went to the opening ceremonies. Yeah, that’s the ticket. The opening ceremonies. Many were lost in the battle today. I live on. Remember the fallen clones.

February 14, 2014. G said since it’s Valentine’s Day, I have to do something special for J.T. who is trapped in his apartment basement. When I asked why me, he screamed back at me, “THERE’S NO TIME!” and he proceeded to watch men’s doubles in luge. So, I took J.T. back in time to ride a brontosaurus. I don’t think he understand what I meant, but I have to admit, I’ve never seen a brontosaurus smile like that before!

February 21, 2014. G sent me back to lift Jamie Benn’s stick on a shot from the point to ensure the dreams and hopes of USA hockey fans were crushed like the hopes and dreams of Canadian WWE fans unable to order the WWE Network.

March 14, 2014. I was sent to get some popcorn from the future. Corn had become extinct in the year I was sent to. I searched for months and months (since time is relative) to no avail. When I was summoned back, I was repeated whipped and forced to drink bleach. I can see through time… Then I fell down a mountain and some random redhead giant kept shoving his pet snake in my mouth.
March 21, 2014. G sent me to be a ringer in some college basketball game today. Not sure why, he was mumbling something about busting 99% of people’s brackets. I think he really must have issues with shelves.
April 4, 2014. It’s been real quiet around here lately, ever since G took off to parts unknown. He didn’t leave me much to eat, and supplies are running dangerously low. That monkey is starting to look delicious. I wonder where Diddy keeps getting those Twinkies?

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