Home ▸ SmackDown ▸ Smackdown 05/16/14: 33% Less Money Edition

Tonight’s episode comes on the heels of the WWE’s stock plummeting, Vince losing 1/3 of his value (and no longer a billionaire), a private investment firm buying significant shares (and demanding a change of executives), and a whole bunch of accusations of fraudulent actions with current stake holders. It’s probably way more interesting than anything on this show.

That moment you realize you have to watch and review Smackdown. Hop on this…

Ed: My laptop died this week, and I wasn’t even planning on doing this review… so I will likely skip more than usual.

“I watch, write, suffer, and succumb to this show, yet have to remind myself of what happened only minutes after each episode. I don’t just do results, more what is going on while I watch the show…”.

Gravity always wins.

– Fuck a monkey. Come for the ebola, stay for the super aids. Why did I write that? No idea.

– So we get reminded of Daniel Bryan having to leave to get neck surgery. One more reason to not watch WWE. This is getting ridiculous.

– John Cena is here. He is addressing the Bray Wyatt challenge issued Monday for a Last Man Watching TV Backstage Match. Cena is in disbelief Wyatt would even issue this challenge, then proceeds to make testicle jokes like a sap. But he accepts the challenge. Then Wyatt appears on the TV. Another crazy banter-filled twinkie of a promo, and a good one, as Luke Harper stares in the distance with dead eyes.

– * Non-Title Match: The Usos {C} vs. Cody Rhodes and Goldust. No title on the line? No interest in the “G”. I space out in this one for the first half surfing on Reddit. The second half engaged me a little, but it’s hard to care with Non-Title stips. The in ring was solid, as Uso #3 picks up the pin after a frogsplash finisher.

– * El Torito vs. Heath Slater. Heath does a comedy spot with one of the Matadores’ capes and the bull thing ensues. Slater plays up the big man versus a midget gag fest. Whatever, this is what it is, and of course due to shenanigans and outside interference, Torito picks up the win.

– * Natalya vs. Nikki Bella. This is literally a Total Divas match (they shill a segment where Natalya sends a painting of Cena and Nikki. It’s terrible, so the gag is Cena and Nikki have to pretend to like the painting when Natalya comes to visit. I think this is the exact same plot as an episode of that show with the Bazinga guy I saw one time). Anyways, Eva Marie is guest referee, because you know, tits. Nikki wins or something.

Sports!

– Renee interviews Dolph about Batista. Dolph notes Batista thought he would come back and be the superstar he once was, but never evolved. He’s the weak link. And since he tweeted this sentiment, we’re having a match. Yes, this next match is not about a painting, this one is about twitter.

Hopping time?

– * Batista vs. Dolph Ziggler. Loser gets unfollowed. I’m getting bored, and the match hasn’t even started. Batista tosses Dolph around, who oversells and makes Dave look great. It’s a decent match. But Batista does a blatant low blow to Ziggler and gets DQ’d. Post match, Dave runs back into the ring, tosses Ziggler to the outside, into the barricade, and then Batista Bomb’s him back first onto the top of the ringside barricade! That spot looked painful. The officials run out and prevent further damage.

– * Non-Title Match: Sheamus {C} vs. Titus O’Neil. Titus cuts a promo on Sheamus about how can he be the US Champ without being from the US. The bell rings, and Sheamus immediately Brogue Kicks, and KO’s, Titus. Good. I didn’t want to bother watching this match.

– Adam Rose is interviewed backstage. All he wants to do is have fun.

– * Damien Sandow vs. Santino Marella. Santino wins really quickly. Meh.

– Now my computer is being a bitch with setting up stuff. So I stop writing, but keep watching…

– * Cesaro vs. R Truth. I’m back, and this match proves to be viewable and enjoyable. Sadly, it’s minimal. Only like 3 minutes, at best. Cesaro hits the Equalizer and wins. Damn. I have no interest in the main event.

Truck Stop? Nah… we’ll hit up the Circle-K down the road…

– Daniel Bryan surgery update (obviously a last minute addition as he had surgery on Thursday). It is reported that it went well, and we will hopefully hear from him on Monday Night RAW.

NOW WITH ADDED POINTS!

– * John Cena vs. Erick Rowan. I said I had no interest in this. FFW! It appears that the Usos are at ringside to balance out the odds with Bray and Luke there as well. AA on Rowan, LOL, Cena wins.

I criticize because I care. I did enjoy the show. I wouldn’t watch if I didn’t love this shit.

The WWE logo comes up, and I’m out.

I land my finisher, the “Delete Recording” and call it a night.

Tell me I’m a retard on Twitter! Yes, you can mock me on social media now here: @GoftheInternet

———————————————————-

I APPEAR WEEKLY ON BWF RADIO!

———————————————————–

Listen LIVE starting at 2 PM EST at Bored Wrestling Fan dot com, and where ever the hell Joe streams it this week.
Check out BWF Radio every week. It goes up on i-Tunes on Sunday in the late afternoon of North America
Call in and leave a message (via Skype or Gmail and save a buck) at: 1(716)-HOGAN-97

Make sure you tell’em “Jorge” sent you. I will give you a shout out, maybe even get herpes! Hey, free herpes! It’s a win-win situation, right?

———————————————————-

This Smackdown Review Appears on Two Sites!

———————————————————–

Bored Wrestling Fan

A break down of various professional wrestling programs and events from the eyes of the smarky fan! I highly recommend checking out the BWF!

Cheap Heat

A go to place for professional wrestling, boxing, MMA, and other combat sports news, rumors, podcasts and so forth. Always a nice place to get your fix, or simply learn more about the performers and athletes themselves. They are one of our go to resources for news and information for BWF Radio, and we wouldn’t have it any other way to share our content with them. Great site!

———————————————————-

WTF?

———————————————————–

Sept 6, 2013. I am a clone of G. I am currently handcuffed to one of the lower legs of G’s sofa in his apartment. Yesterday, while the real G was at work, monkey nearby shrieked at me to attempt to lift the sofa. It worked! I went to thank the monkey located in an open-doored cage on the stairs leading down to the basement of G’s basement apartment, and noticed a large man strapped into a chair in the basement. I then heard the original G returning home. I need to find his magical device that created me…

Sept 13, 2013. The real Gee has noticed my writing. That stupid fuck hasn’t deleted anything, but he did taze me repeatedly. I still think there is a monkey held captive on the stairs to the second level of this building.
Sept 20, 2013. Made progress today. Discovered some kind of cloning device. I used it to clone the device itself, and hid the copy under the couch I am “hand-cuffed” to. The monkey saw this, but I don’t think he’ll say anything. He’s a monkey, after all. Some dude named Johnny Storm stopped by to say hi. Weird.

Sept 27, 2013. An obese man who claims to be famous magically appeared in the living room today. He told me the cloning gadget I made a copy of has the powers to do much more. Sounded like a bunch of crap to me. I immediately knocked him out and tied him up beside the one the “real” G calls “Barks.” Both look the same. I killed the new guy and fed him to the other captives. I think. They both look the same. All of that future-talk and preventing the death of kayfabe annoyed me. Either way, one of the “Barks” was dinner. He tasted like chicken. Big surprise there.

Oct 4, 2013. So I guess the guy I fed to his doppleganger was actually able to escape last week with help from that J.T. guy. He was screaming something about “his” chair. Either way, G is pissed and punished me all week. He said something about maybe sending me to Fall Camp. I decided to not make any decisive moves. It seems for the best. Just like the WWE, I guess, albeit “best” isn’t the “best” word I’d use to describe the product.

Oct 18, 2013. It’s been a while since I’ve been able to write here. G has been continually sending me off to ancient historical eras to collect random artifacts. I don’t understand why a stool sample from Henry Hudson is so important. And what was the point of leaving a smoke bomb in the front hall of the Palace of Versailles on May 6, 1682? I’m told I’m going to have to… gotta go. He’s home.

Nov. 8, 2013. I’ve been sent on a bunch of weird missions. The most weird was when G sent me back to 2008. See, I snuck former PM Tony Blair into Buckingham Palace and stapled old-people-face to his kind of already old-people-face. No one has noticed even until today. I still don’t understand why he made me do that.

Nov. 15, 2013. This last week was even more bizarre. He made me put on some suit and a red tie and shave my head, and then pretend to be in control of his weekly scab collecting group. I burst in, and told the vice president and current scab champion collector that I was in charge. We bickered back and forth for a while, and then G kicked in the door dressed in drag and began shrieking that since he was the vice president of the chess club next door he was taking over. Very odd.

Dec. 6, 2013: Charles Barkley recently abducted me and took me on a cruise ship with him. We circumvented the planet, stopping at various ports-of-call, and living the high life again. It was really awesome. Then sadly, today, I awoke only to find myself back on the couch of G’s apartment. Was it all a dream?

Dec. 13, 2013. Nope, not a dream. In fact somewhat of a nightmare. This week I was forced to go to work for G while he vigorously stayed home masturbating (I can only assume) and eating nachos. Work sucked. Firstly, I am not trained to do anything G actually does at his jobs, so I looked like a complete idiot. Oddly enough, some fellow who has a Bruce Springsteen complex and calls himself “The Boss” told me that my work had shown significant improvement today. I am pretty sure G’s jobs don’t involve a body count, though.

Dec 20, 2013. Just got back from a reconnaissance mission to infiltrate Charles Barkley’s place. G insisted I take the monkey from the open cage on the stairs with me. He told me the monkey was given special orders, and my job was to get the little guy into the house. I did as I was told. Once inside, the monkey went to every toilet in the house and proceeded to defecate inside the water tank of each one. I don’t know what G is feeding that monkey, but damn!

Dec 27, 2013. Shit, I’m tired. G outsourced me to that dude who always invades via the apartment balcony to deliver bass strings to the bass player children of the world the other day. Turns out, I fucked up and gave a bunch of five and six string bass player kids, four string packs, so he made me go out AGAIN the next day to fix the problem. Turns out, that for some reason, descending into people’s homes via chimney is only considered acceptable behaviour one night out of 365. Or at least, that’s what police officers in 45 countries on the planet seem to think. I have to go out again tonight, but I’m just going to drop molotovs down the chimney instead. Fuck getting arrested again.

Jan 10, 2014. G sent me to the year 2018 to find some lady. Turns out she was laughing historically on February 6th. I return with this information. Not a very exciting adventure, and then me and the monkey play a game called hide G’s sandwich. The crawl space is full of’em.

Jan 24, 2014. I find a diary penned by a version of me, 8 generations ago. In clone generational math, that was about 3 minutes. Weird.

Jan 31, 2014. Today was a good day. I got to use my A.K. Daviel Batryan won the Regal Vibration. The WW’Eh Channel is available in Canuckstan. And the company hired a mainstream darling named D.N. Goth. This is the brightest timeline.

February 7, 2014. Went to the opening ceremonies. Yeah, that’s the ticket. The opening ceremonies. Many were lost in the battle today. I live on. Remember the fallen clones.

February 14, 2014. G said since it’s Valentine’s Day, I have to do something special for J.T. who is trapped in his apartment basement. When I asked why me, he screamed back at me, “THERE’S NO TIME!” and he proceeded to watch men’s doubles in luge. So, I took J.T. back in time to ride a brontosaurus. I don’t think he understand what I meant, but I have to admit, I’ve never seen a brontosaurus smile like that before!

February 21, 2014. G sent me back to lift Jamie Benn’s stick on a shot from the point to ensure the dreams and hopes of USA hockey fans were crushed like the hopes and dreams of Canadian WWE fans unable to order the WWE Network.

March 14, 2014. I was sent to get some popcorn from the future. Corn had become extinct in the year I was sent to. I searched for months and months (since time is relative) to no avail. When I was summoned back, I was repeated whipped and forced to drink bleach. I can see through time… Then I fell down a mountain and some random redhead giant kept shoving his pet snake in my mouth.
March 21, 2014. G sent me to be a ringer in some college basketball game today. Not sure why, he was mumbling something about busting 99% of people’s brackets. I think he really must have issues with shelves.
April 4, 2014. It’s been real quiet around here lately, ever since G took off to parts unknown. He didn’t leave me much to eat, and supplies are running dangerously low. That monkey is starting to look delicious. I wonder where Diddy keeps getting those Twinkies?
May 9, 2014. Finally home. G sent me on a very long bus trip where I was forced the wear a bunny suit and eat these little pills that made me feel funny. Every once in a while, a herd of these nut jobs on the bus and I would be led down to a boxing ring and play catch. But not catch with a dog or a ball. No. We had to catch this oily guy who must have kept slipping and falling off the ring apron every single time he went out to dance. I’m so glad that’s over with.

———————————————————-

Shameless Plugs!

———————————————————–

Bored Hockey Fan

Bored Hockey Fan is by the fans for the fans and delivers content related to hockey in any forms. We encourage similar minded people to contact us and represent their team’s POV, while retaining the rights to their work.

Wonderpod
A weekly podcast about the world of video games, from player experiences to current events in the industry, Bruce McGee, Pat Man, Glasenator, Jonkind and/or Gun Sage provide insight into the medium for any gamer (whether casual or “pro”). Clicking the jump will take you to the iTunes page!

LarG Productions
An online music production project, free tunes spanning many genres… check it out!

Thinksobrain
ThinkSoJoE’s band, who is also the boss over at Bored Wrestling Fan. For those digging some sweet metal influenced, intriguing tunes… you really need to grab yourself an earfull.

Like this post? Subscribe to our RSS Feed today and never miss another!