Home ▸ SmackDown ▸ Smackdown: 05/18/12: At Least It Didn’t Suck As Bad As RAW.

Alright it’s Smackdown time, folks! I didn’t have to work the day shift today, and not because of flat tires or any crap like that. Just had it off, whether I like it or not. So let’s see what happened on the Blue Brand whose ratings are actually getting much more on par to those of the Red one. I mean, it’s not like this episode can be as terrible as Monday Night RAW was… can it?

Did I just jinx it? Damn it!

I watch, write, suffer, and succumb to this show, yet have to remind myself of what happened only minutes after each episode. That is how G’s Smackdown reviews work. This is not a play-by-play recap, there’s enough of those online. This is a highly-opinionated take of the show in question.

– JohnLaurinaitis is out. He tells us that starting this summer, Smackdown will air for 6 hours every Friday! No, not really… he rants and raves about the Board of Directors declaration on his match this Sunday with John Cena. He tells us he is nearing 40 years old (Cena is 35, BTW). Really? Wikipedia time… he is actually 46. Cue CM Punk’s music…

– This is a pleasant surprise! Punk reminds Johnny of the stips, and that he has abusing his power… and that everyone wants him gone. Reminds us of Big Show’s tear fest, and asks, “How’s it feel to be on the other end of the stick for once?” John is still in power, so he pulls a Teddy Long Flowchart and books Punk against Kane tonight. Punk says sure, he respects Kane but can’t say the same for Laurinaitis. Punk leaves, and Laurinaitis is angry yelling at the crowd for liking this. He blames all of us for supporting the WWE talent. So much for People Power? Ha ha! We can all go to hell, apparently. Decent opening segment.

If this is the first time you’ve read one of my wrestling… experiences? Does that work? You’ve fucking likely heard some shitty language, me bitching like a Fuck-Troll, god dammit. Welcome to my wrestling hell. I swear I enjoy this stuff. I’m just smartass who makes fun of EVERYTHING. FUCK.

– * Non-Title Match: R Truth and Kofi Kingston {C} vs. Titus O’Neil and Darren Young. This is a tune up match, since the Tag Titles are being defended on a PPV for the first time in like 82034 years. Still, regular readers know I DETEST non title matches. Things start off really quick-paced, and I have to admit Darren Young has vastly improved his game. The match lasts about 4 minutes or so, with all men trading spots. As a result, Titus and Darren look strong even in losing. Good little bout, and could see these two former NXT guys truly helping rebuild a tag team division.

– Zack Ryder is backstage welcoming us to his segment… and turns to see a disgusted Damien Sandow just glaring at him. Sandow walks off shaking his head at this lunacy (or at least from his perspective).

Vince trying to understand why RAW is bleeding ratings numbers…

– *Damien Sandow vs Yoshi Tatsu. Sandow calls for his music to end, and tells us here is the intellectual savior of the masses… liberate us from the chains of ignorance. Tatsu gets no entrance. Sandow sees this contest as abhorrent as like two weeks prior… and refuses the match. Tatsu calls him a chicken, and this riles up the smart-ass. Sandow bum rushes the ring, attacks Tatsu. He finishes him with looks like a modified chicken wing reverse DDT (I think). Whatever the hell that finisher is, it looks great. The bell never even rang, so I guess it’s no contest.

I guess Adam “Edge” Copeland plays for the L.A. Kings now that he’s retired from the WWE? SPEAR! SPEAR! SPEAR!

– Matt Striker interviews both Sheamus and Orton about their Fatal Fourway match at Sunday’s PPV and their match against each other tonight. They take veiled cheap shots at each other. Yawn. Two faces bickering… reminds me of something… it’ll pop up a little later, animated gif style.

– * Zack Ryder vs. Daniel Bryan. Seriously, bro? Who do you think wins this one? A light smattering of YES! chants resound around the arena, but nothing to blog home about. Considering neither of these guys matches HAVE HAD ANY BUILD, they both might as well be on YouTube. I’m sure Punk and Bryan will tear the roof off the place, but fuck me if I remember they are having a match if I’m not the IWC nerd that I am. Not much here, this match is short. Bryan kicks a prone Ryder in the skull (sick looking too), straps on the YES! lock, and Zack taps out immediately.

Charles Barkley @G: “I’ve mastered the ability to go back in time…”

G @Charles Barkley: “Fuck that Yoda, I’m all about the FFW. I hold the world title, actually. Go commentate the NBA playoffs backwards.”

– Kane stares into the camera backstage as he reminisces his May 19th anniversary this Saturday. I wonder if when Punk hits him with the GTS, a dog will urinate in Kane’s eye after he is KO’d?

– * Non-Title Match: CM Punk {C} vs. Kane. Daniel Bryan joins commentary. Bryan is pretty hilarious here, but we get the VERY usual start before the commercial break. Back and forth a bit, Kane gets tossed to the outside… and cue the ads. We return to watch Punk hit a DDT on Kane, then lock a figure four leg lock on the Big Red Machine. Kane gets free, and a notable spot sees Punk drop kicked into the ring post. Booker and Bryan have a quip about a potential broken rib not being healed by Sunday. Beautifully, Punk continues to sell the ribs throughout the remainder of the bout as Kane works on it. Bryan does more promotion for the PPV than the WWE has done in ALL of the weeks leading up to it. Punk can’t even get Kane up for the GTS… Matthews botches a call wondering if we are going to get a new champion right here (NON TITLE MATCH, IDIOT). Ode to Savage, Punk does land the top rope elbow (RIP Macho Man, May 20th). Tune into BWF Radio this Sunday for our thoughts and much much more!).

Transitioning from Lance Storm’s catchphrase to Ernest The Cat Miller, anyone?

– Punk kicks Kane out to the ring, then leaps from the ring onto him outside the ring. Bryan grabs a steel chair, looking to attack Punk, BUT NO! Instead, he attacks Kane. Kane wins by interference DQ! Kane subsequently attacks Punk with the chair, then drags his carcass into the ring and chokeslams him not once, but twice. Meanwhile, Daniel Bryan watches the whole thing on the ramp, emoting sleazy tenacity, selling the PPV match. It almost makes me want to pay to see it. Almost. Easily THE reason to watch Smackdown this week. Shucky Ducky Quack Quack.

– * Non-Title Champion vs. Champion Match: Santino {C} vs. Cody Rhodes {C}. Santino cuts a brief screen-in-screen comment about loving his title. Funny? Kind of. This is an odd pairing. It’s funny versus cocky. Rhodes misses a reverse 180 moonsault, Santino goes for the Cobra, eats a dropkick. Santino Hulks up, and lands a Cobra-glove punch pinning the IC Champ for the win? Yes. Very short.

– 10 minutes of clip packages….

It’s Brogue Kick time, fella!

– * Non-Title Match: Sheamus {C} vs. Randy Orton. This begins with 30 minutes remaining (including ring entrances and commercials). They start things off slow, trading spots in order to fill the time allotted before the likely interference from Jericho and Del Rio occurs. All I can think about is how many times we’ve seen this program over the last two weeks and the fact RAW will be three hours on a regular basis. I turn 35 in June, so maybe this is me just aging past the key demographic? OR… OR… could it be all of this stuff post Extreme Rules is a load of shit? You decide.

Trying to erase that segment from my brain… not working… must find loaded gun…

– Segment two is full of slow methodical psychology with Orton focusing on the injured shoulder of Sheamus (sans bandages) and rest spot submission holds. What in the fuck did they do during the commerical break? Sheamus gets his math lesson spot in, and sends Orton into the barricade around the ring outside… more adverts.

Speaking of Yoda, and the fact I’ve posted Hulk related pics over the last few weeks, it only makes sense to post this one as well.

– Ten more minutes to go, so naturally the WWE shows some highlights of Cena and the GM from Monday… even though there is a fucking match going on. Yes, a boring one, but still. 3 hour tour folks, 3 mother of god hours. Sheamus looks to launch the Celtic Cross, which of course is reversed. This match is inspiring little Jimmy’s at home to become future talent…

Next up is deep and meaningful lyrical quotes with out the context as to why you are posting them. Provide context.

– This fucking shit is STILL on? Yes… why yes it is. The hell with this, FFW through the rest until the end… Orton Superplex’s Sheamus from the top rope, but it’s not enough. Looked sloppy too. Continue FFW… Sheamus reverses an RKO attempt, into a school boy, pin and the win. They go to shake hands post match, do so, then Orton RKO’s Sheamus and looks at the belt. G’night folks!

I criticize because I care. I did enjoy the show. I wouldn’t watch if I didn’t love this shit.

The WWE logo comes up, and I’m out.

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This Smackdown Review Appears on Two Sites!

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A break down of various professional wrestling programs and events from the eyes of the smarky fan! I highly recommend checking out the BWF!

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Shameless Plugs!

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The Cultural Revolution (TCR Comix)
Al Creed’s comics dominate tongue and cheek humour here.

Wonderpod
A weekly podcast about the world of video games, from player experiences to current events in the industry, Bruce McGee, Pat Man, Glasenator, Jonkind and/or Gun Sage provide insight into the medium for any gamer (whether casual or “pro”). Clicking the jump will take you to the iTunes page!

LarG Productions
An online music production project, free tunes spanning many genres… check it out!

Thinksobrain
ThinkSoJoE’s band, who is also the boss over at Bored Wrestling Fan. For those digging some sweet metal influenced, intriguing tunes… you really need to grab yourself an earfull.

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