Home ▸ SmackDown ▸ Smackdown 05/24/13

Can I be frank for a minute? JT is seen in my preamble holding up a sign that says, “No, your name is ‘G’, brother, dude.”

Fine. Look. On May 21st, Steve Wilhite, inventor of the GIF file format won The Life Time Achievement Webby Award on May 21 for giving the gift of the GIF to the world. He also settled the long time debate on how to pronounce the word associated with the format.

The Dude who invented it says it’s a soft “G”. Asshole’s calling me “soft”?

Or as he would nicely put it, “Choosy programmers choose ‘jif’.” So for all those whining and complaining that they have been wrong all along, deal with it. Just learn to speak properly. I can’t believe there is internet outrage over this. Un-fucking-believable.

And one more thing… There is also confusion on how to pronunciate the internet term, “Meme.”

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Smarten up. It rhymes with “cream.” I have no clue why some people think it sounds like “Them,” or “B.B.“.

This is all more important than more normal preamble, actually. Hit the jump. Hopping time.

“I watch, write, suffer, and succumb to this show, yet have to remind myself of what happened only minutes after each episode. That is how G’s Smackdown reviews work. And as J.T. Hogan has observed, it often makes more sense than the program you are actually watching. This is not a play-by-play recap, there’s enough of those online. This is a highly-opinionated take of the show in question.

– Warning: The following Smackdown may contain traces of Extreme Rules. In the evening, Perfect Figure Skating Leaps might reoccur, causing Games to fail entering the ring. If symptoms of Ghanian Injustice or Friendship Fallout appear, please consult The Shield. WWE voice-over guys might also be Paul Heyman guys.

Just another reason NXT is the best WWE show they make right now…

– Good god. What’s worse, the flow chart or Miz TV opening Smackdown? I can’t decide. Tonight’s guest is Summer Rae! Oh, and that Fandango guy is out too. The L.A. King’s Twitter feed notes Fandango is molesting Rae on the entrance ramp. So that’s where Abraham Washington works now… Silly AW, that’s an allergic reaction to peanuts. I try calling an ambulance to help, but am told I did not follow Ryback Rules. The time keeper, suspiciously looking like somebody from Public Enemy, shouts “911 is a Joke!”. Weird, I thought Johnny Grunge and Rocco Rock were dead. ThinkSoJoE is seen shambling at ringside dragging a sign behind himself while doing the Fandango dance that says, “G, you fucking callous dick, they are my brethren now too. Show some respect.” I think about this carefully, then shrug my shoulders. If Vince can start RAW with an ambulance on the same week of the anniversary of Owen Hart’s death, I still think I look like more of a class act.

– I’m bored as hell, as has might become apparent until medium-sized Wade Barrett barrage comes out to his new entrance music, and notes he hasn’t met a more useless piece of shit. He’s pissed because Fandango fucked him over in the tag match on Monday when he did the Land of A 1000 Dances. He calls him a “pathetic waste of skin.” Miz takes exception, calling Barrett disrespectful for ignoring the fact Wade will defend his IC Title against Miz tonight. They scrap. Wade saved that, but he shares his first name with The Merc With a Mouth, Marvel Comic’s “Deadpool”, so he gets a free pass. I wonder if Wade Barrett can teleport too?

Reactions are funny, I guess.

– * IC Title Match: Wade Barrett {C} vs. The Miz. This match is underway as we return, and Fandango is on commentary. He speaks too quietly and mumbley. It’s hard to follow. For no reason midmatch, Fandango hits his music and he and Rae just start dancing during the match. I suppose this is playing off of how the post WM crowd hummed his theme during that infamous Randall Keith Orton/Unmixed Strawberry Yogurt match? After much distraction and disrespect, Fandango hits a Shining Wizard from the outside onto a prone Miz, causing a DQ win. Fandango joins Wade beating off The Miz (Cock Talk every Sunday on BWF Radio at 2PM EST), but then Barrett rape shreds the bukkake out of Fandango with a Souvenir and walks out of the arena tossing Barrett Barrage Energy Bars to the crowd.

– Kane and Bryan discuss what happened in their tag title match at the PPV. Bryan storms out yelling “I am not the weak Link!”.

– * Jack Swagger vs. Daniel Bryan. Ol’ Thwagger and Colton Orr are already in the ring. No entrances for them, they just found out their ring entrance music was made by Mork from Ork. Alien-cists. And unlike ThinkSoZombiEJoE who dropped the “ball” in our “game” with his inability to pick a 2 word JBL catch phrase, I’ve got two words for this match, “Nano Nano.” It starts off prety nicely as we head to our first commercial break. Kane is seen in the audience holding up a JT who is holding up a zippo lighter to his mouth and projects flame, which reads, “It still burns…”.

If this happened more often in baseball, I’d watch more.

– This match is solid. I am enjoying it. Both of these guys have a good mat-based game, and the crowd recognizes the energy and technique accordingly. What’s really impressive, is their use of catch-as-catch-can submissions amid a variety of rope spots, and grapples. Kane made his way back down from the audience, and is at ring side to watch Bryan slap on a No! Lock and submit Swagger for the win. Bryan leads the crowd in a “YES!” chant and gesture. Bryan returns to the No! Lock postmatch. The referee, with help from Kane, break Bryan off from his heeltastic tactics. A tease of dissension in Team Friendship? “Yep,” I Rollins. I would have liked to see that match go longer, and not end clean. Perhaps we’ll get another program?

Gravity always wins.

– We are told Cena saw Dr. Nick this week, and will appear in Calgary… Alberta, Canada this Monday for RAW. Welp, at least he missed one week. Then they show us a bunch of clips from Extreme Rules and RAW featuring Ryback, and hosted by Krusty “The” Clown Mr. Black Tyler Black Seth Rollins Henry Rollins Henry Ford Harrison Ford Indiana Jones Seth Jones Patrick Roy Derek Roy Alain Vigneault nobody. Who will the next coach of the Vancouver Canucks be??? Lindy Ruff?

It does kind of look like a VCR or Betamax. Actually, it looks alot more like a PC gaming tower more than ever. I guess those elitest gamers are probably gamer-raging more than ever before. LOL. They spent thousands…

– Damien Sandow (with Marvin Gaye) is here, and he’s got a microphone. So shut the fuck up.

Sandow: For the last several weeks, I have sat idly by and watched as two troglodytes, disguised as WWE Superstars, engaged in a series of contests, each more half-witted and embarrassing than the last. A Tug of War!?!? …Arn Anderson Arm Wrestling… And a “Truck Pull.” And the only thing worse than that, is that all of you, seem amused by it. Well, this is something that I call, and pay close attention… appealing to the lowest common denominator.”

[Sandow points with over-emphasis to the crowd in a comical circular fashion. Our intellectual savior continues (Marshall McLuhan)].

Sandow: “[…] SILENCE! Now I doubt there are any Mathletes in the crowd this evening, but I am going to say this: The true measure of a man, is not in the feats of his physical strengths, but in his ability to deal with mental challenges. Now, by a show of hands, who here is fam…”

[Sandow stops, prevents a chortle, composes himself, and continues.]

Sandow: Let me explain to you, The Tale of the Gordian Knot. In ancient times, there was a was a peasant farmer by the name of… ANYONE?…. GORDIAN! Who tied his ox to a tree with a knot so complicated, it was said no man could untie it. A prophecy that clearly states that any man who is unable to untie the Gordian Knot would rule of all of Asia. Now, Mr. Striker, you are a former educator… a… a teacher. Albeit, a substitute teacher, right? Barring your shortcomings, I propose that you accept the challenge and attempt to untie the Gordian Knot.”

[Striker attempts the feat as the announcers mock the current American education system]

Sandow: You can’t?

Striker: No.

Sandow: Congratulations! You’ve just renewed your idiot license, and you’ve just embarrassed the entire Substitute Teachers Union of America. Attention Washington, I’ve just found the problem in the Educational System! Now take a man like myself. Whose superior…”

Sandow is interrupted by the heel, Sheamus. If you were too lazy to click the links provided, the solution to The Gordian Knot is thinking outside the box, hence cutting the rope and just taking the fucking ox without untying shit. Ruck Fules. Get it? Unfortunately Sheamus also wants to renew his idiot licence, since the office is open for business. Immediately, from out of nowhere, a masked man wearing a red and white lucha libre mask emerges. He is wearing a Team Alpha T-Shirt, and hits a Hangman’s noose neckbreaker on Sheamus! JT is seen in the audience, holding up a sign that notes, “Brian Pillman trained in the Dungeon, so he might as well have been a Canadian!”. The masked man points at JT and nods, then catches a rope from the rafters and swings off the entrance ramp into the concessions concourse like some kind of Paul Burchill.

Tens of Dollars! Tens of Dollars!

– Sheamus implies being intelligent is bad, and Sandow is a pervert or something, because he’s a face. Then Sheamus requests to solve the knot. Sheamus messes with the thing, until Sandow takes it from him to show how its done. I’m not transcribing the whole thing. Sandow gets some garden shears and cuts the knot, hence our/your lesson today, kids. Sheamus applauds sarcastically because he is retarded and misses the point. “You’re welcome!” shouts Sandow, displaying the knot proudly. Sheamus claims he’s the bigger/better man here and goes to congratulate him with a Brogue Kick. Sandow evades it, and makes a point of predicting Sheamus’ simpleton strategy. Sheamus grabs Striker and says he wants to return the lesson via Newton’s Laws. THEN HE TOSSES STRIKER AS A HUMAN MISSILE ONTO SANDOW ON THE OUTSIDE THE RING! WHAT THE FUCK! STRIKER DID NOTHING! STRIKER DID NOTHING! BAH GAWD, KING, STRIKER DID NOTHING! B A STAR! B A STAR! Jerry Lawler dies of a heart attack and joins Andy Kaufman at the gates of Heaven with St. Peter. All three of them shake their heads collectively at Sheamus’ misbooking and proceed to do the traditional keg stands and 3-foot bong hits in attempts to make sense out of Sheamus. They don’t. A massive tear drops from heaven and floods the world. Jorge did this, because he didn’t join facebook, as predicted in the legacies of BWF Radio, every Sunday at 2PM EST (This week is our 75th episode… well was, Jorge killed us all).

– * The Big Show vs. Chris Jericho. I go into this mixed. On one hand you have Jericho. One the other toaster-sized hand, you have The Big Show. I opt to just watch and comment post match. I’m surprised by this match, but I shouldn’t be. It’s a lot of good work by both (albeit, I’d argue a certain someone from Winnipeg, dammit), carried it. Jericho culminates the story with a CodeBreaker outside the ring, and this leads to a countout win for Y2J. Show walks out shaking his head, likely to join Mark Henry in the seedy bar by the airport where all the broken WWE Monsters hang out. Giant Gonzalez runs the place.

– I hear a tap at my balcony. It’s Jorge.

Jorge: Can I borrow a cup of Ruffles All-Dressed?
G: Nope.
Jorge: Cheap fuck.
G: I’m Canadian!
Jorge: You know Giant Gonzalez would’ve lent me some.
G: He’s dead.
Jorge: But his real name, non-kayfabe, was JORGE!
G: I’m Canadian!
Jorge: So this is all you wrote for me to say this week?
G: Got lazy. Sorry man.

– Jorge floats off in his hot-air balloon, angry as hell. JT is seen in the audience holding up a sign stating, “Blame Canada!”. Blame Canada, indeed. Blame Canada, indeed. A certain red and white masked man joins me. We eat Ruffles All Dressed chips while laughing maniacally. Lightening crashes behind us (killing the band “Live”). These chips are awesome. “Should’ve joined facebook,” comments the lucha libre mystery man.

– We see clips of HHH’s post-concussion symptoms from RAW. More to follow on Monday. Something about Dolph Ziggler? I don’t remember. Honestly, and seriously, I suspect that donation to the Sports Legacy thing is also now story line fodder for the Game.

– Enter Curtis McGillicutty and Paul Heyman. In all fairness, Heyman kicks ass here, mixing up the Kool-Aid, and selling his own legacy of delivering the next talent. Axel gets mic time and claims to be the best of his family lineage and that he left HHH dazed and confused. I will give Axel a passing grade here, but his speaking is certainly up to the level of his father’s work. Nonetheless, it’s a reboot. This guy gets lots of respect from the workers as technically sound. If his worst asset is his promo, he’s got the best mouth piece in the world today to help round out that short-coming. That’s what a manager does.

– * Curtis Axel vs. Sin Cara. The yellow lights are back. The Randall Keith Orbot joins commentary. HOLY FUCKING MONOTONE. He just stole Fandango’s commentary gimmick. Sin Cara is booked pretty even here, and this match is surprisingly decent for the five minutes it gets. Axel looks good too. Axel wins after Sin Cara misses a top rope splash and Curtis links his shoulder and slams him into the mat for the pin and the win.

– A lot of people have discussed why Wendy’s advertisements use two different red headed women to shill their restaurant chain. They are critical of this because one is younger and considered more attractive, while the other (Dave Thomas’ daughter), is more obese and older. I question their logic. In fact, I dare say these are one and the same woman. The so-called younger one, is in fact Dave Thomas’ daughter as well, while the older one is her at a later time after excessive consumption of Wendy’s food. #TheMoreYouKnow.

– * US Title Match: Dean Ambrose {C} vs. Kofi Kingston. No fucking around here. Right into the match after the entrances. Ambrose tells his team to go grab some whiskey-flavored popcorn for JT since he’s got this. 30 minutes dedicated to this match? Sweet. JT is seen in the audience beside Roman Reigns shortly thereafter, holding up a sign that says, “The Guy Beside Me Can’t Speak.” True. Who cares, this match looks to be a fucking winner.

What happens if I’m here to tell the world…. here to tell the world? Do I still digest that food if I can’t remember eating it?

– After a nice little start… The Shield run in anyways. JT is seen in the audience upset. The match is ruled a DQ due to interference. Ortbot and Shameless run in to help Coffee. You know what this match needs? Flowchart, you say? Why are you talking in my review without putting your hand up? Go to the office and see the principal. Also, let them know we’re booking a 6 Man tag match, playah, hollah. The Ghost of Teddy Long has spoken.

– Way to shred rape a nice singles match, Teddy Long, you super dick.

– * The Shield vs. The Holding Pattern. This will not serve up any story progression, I suspect. But still should be decent, as The Shield continues to be the most interesting thing on WWE programming not found on NXT.

They really need to get rid of those invisible dudes in footy.

– The first portion of this match delivers some great work by Ambrose and Rollins, who prove they can hang at the top without a sweat. Reigns is a small factor. Team Duck Face delivers as they can in ring, so no criticisms there. A neat spot before our final commercial break sees Ambrose and Reigns save Rollins for Sheamus’ “Teach To Count At Home” chest punching move. ThinkSoZombieJoE has placed the entrails of various half-eaten victims into field. The message is seen from a low-flying crop duster and posted to Tumblr. It says, “No thanks Sheamus, I learned to count at Dr. Scott Steiner’s Mathematic’s Finishing School for Excellence.”

– The final stretch involves all of the near finisher moves by all six men. But you already knew that. What makes the difference is that the Shield take advantage of Orton outside the ring in a swarming spot. He’s the legal man, as is Rollins, who awaits a count-out. Nope. In comes Ambrose. A shame that would have been a great ending. It goes on, and I won’t complain. This is a great bout, but is at heart typical from here on out. Math is still taught, Fella, lame. BREAKING NEWS! IRELAND HAS BECOME COMPLETELY INFECTED! WORLD WAR Z IS COMING OUT! I HOPE IT DOESN’T SUCK! After all is said and done, it comes down once again to Kofi and Ambrose. Ambrose finishes him.

– I get a PM from Charles Barkley. He said his Twitter got hacked. About 2 minutes later, he messages me again. Ignore it. Barkley let us all down tonight. Smackdown didn’t. Good show.

I criticize because I care. I did enjoy the show. I wouldn’t watch if I didn’t love this shit.

The WWE logo comes up, and I’m out.

Tell me I’m a retard on Twitter! Yes, you can mock me on social media now here: @GoftheInternet

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WTF?

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When will Joe noticed I changed this section? Maybe on BWF Radio, this Sunday at 2 PM EST? Which Sunday?

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Shameless Plugs!

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