Smackdown 05/30/14: Go Away Show!
By G · · Leave a Comment
Old school hopping time!
There’s a PPV Sunday, it’s called, “Rematch”. And there is also an NHL semi final game 6 on right now, which I am watching on my other computer while turning on the abysmal Smackdown episode. If the Hawks win tonight, they will go head-to-head with said PPV for a game 7 in the same city as the PPV. Guess what I’ll be watching? As I write this, the game is tied 3 – 3 with 8:43 remaining in the third period…
“I watch, write, suffer, and succumb to this show, yet have to remind myself of what happened only minutes after each episode. I don’t just do results, more what is going on while I watch the hockey game show…”.
– Team Beta makes their way out, ready to address Team Darwin’s challenge on Sunday redeux. They show that crap contract signing from RAW and the “evelotion” rub down and massage therapy that ensued. Happy endings for all, except Batista, he already had his from the nuthugger jeans backstage just walking in the arena and is spent. The Shield discuss wanting to eliminate the heels until only HHH is left… they plan on using lots of weapons and announce tables and stuff. Ok.
Nope?
– Chicago gets a fourth goal, 3 1/2 minutes remain… looking more and more like I will NOT be watching the Steal-per-view. Or perhaps I’ll stream it and watch the game on the TV. We shall see… I really want to play some games as well, not going to lie, I die to check out casinodames.com.
– How the fuck is that nonsense Legends’ House the highest rated show on the Network? Sheesh. Some people like shit, I’ll tell you what. The boy ain’t right.
Rorrow the Ruzzards?
– KOFI KINGSTON SIGHTED!!!
– * Cesaro vs. Kofi Kingston. I smell a short squash. I’ll give this a chance, I guess, since Kofi doesn’t decide how he’s booked. He can go… but his character is very stale and smiley.
– While this match goes on, The Hawks win and set up a game seven on Sunday night. I think we all know where CM Punk will be in Chicago on Sunday night! LOL!
– Then Cesaro pins Kingston. I wasn’t really paying attention because hockey. Not rewinding. Fuck off.
– Renee interviews Wade Barrett about stuff… still not paying attention because hockey…
– * Non-Title Match: Paige {C} vs. Tamina. Non-title you say? Great. I love these. FFW on the lowest setting… Alicia Fox parades around outside the ring with Paige’s title all crazy like. She presents a distraction, allowing the Samoan to wreak havoc on the young Brit. Paige still hits the Paige-Turner, and then submits Tamina anyways. But Alicia strolls off with the belt and leaves it atop the entry ramp.
– Renee Young interviews Sheamus, FFW. I don’t even let him talk. GONE.
– * Xavier Woods vs. Bo Dallas. Well shit. Consequences shall be had here. It’s more or less a squash. Bo is 3 – 0 now. JBL has a fit. Bo has segments before and after the match, but they are just really his catch-phrase and not worth noting.
– * El Torito vs. Jinder Mahal. El Torito has a bandaged lump where his tail used to be, and it looks like he has toilet paper stuffed up his ass. It defeats Mahal. That’s all you need to know.
– Paul Heyman joins commentary.
– * Non-Title Champion vs. Champion: Sheamus {C} vs. Bad News Barrett {C}. That fucking stip again. Teasing unification, no less. Heyman is worth the listen here. Both men stare at their belts before the match like they mean something (I wish they did). In all fairness, this match is pretty decent. These two bring a bit of the classic European style (bastardized mind you) to the brawl. For those who follow my reviews, they know I am not a huge fan of the brawl style.
– However, credit where credit is due… people who enjoy the style will get a kick out of this one. Heyman does a good job putting over both of the men in the ring, which to his credit, helps sell TWO matches on the PPV. Sheamus pulls out the win here. He goes after Heyman post match as Paul pleads, “I said nothing bad about you!”. It’s true, he didn’t. Heyman looks butt hurt for being bullied.
Sums it up.
– Rene Decartes asks the Usos to prove they exist. They think. But come up with nothing. Therefore, FFW.
– P.S. that was the best line in this review, and possibly ever involving Miss Young. Tweet me if you “got” it.
Vince loves his Nintendo.
– * Big E vs. Titus O’Neil. Another throw-away match. Go Away indeed. Big E comes out with a ‘Murican flag. Lana sexies her way out, and discusses superficial politics running down the weak ‘Muricans. Rusev, and shit. USA chants break out, and Lana shouts at them to stop and to bow down. This of course brings out the Loin Cloth master, waving a Russian flag. Yay? The bell rings and Titus attacks! Yay? I get bored. That’s the name of our website, right? FFW. Big E Smalls wins. Yay?
– This show sucks.
Original Rage Quit?
– * Adam Rose vs. Jack Swagger. Hey hey! Give it away on free TV? Sounds good. Hockey is on Sunday night. It’s a shame the Rose character isn’t working so far on the main card. I have enjoyed his work on NXT. In fact, I probably should have foregone reviewing this SD episode, and reviewed the NXT from last night instead. I can only blame myself. I might drop SD reviews altogether and just become the BWF NXT reviewer… contemplating it. It is the best show WWE produces afterall.
Squeezed the lemon until the juice ran down his leg??? Or crushed it??? You decide!
– Anyways, this match… if they give it time, maybe they can deliver Rose to the audience in a way that will help elevate his talent. AND THEY DO! It’s short as hell, but Rose makes a mockery of Swagger by forcing him to question his sexuality. He reverses spots, and tosses himself into awkward positions that is psychological and breaks Swaggers brain. Swagger can’t fathom this, rolls out and screams at Zeb “What happened!?!?”. This results in another reversal of fortune, and Rose rolls out yelling the same thing at Zeb. This should have happened on Smackdown. A shame. This was probably the highlight of Rose’s career in the WWE to this point.
– Then I discover this online. Only 178 plays? Hrmm… looks like either a hit or an epic failure. Pretty solid production value the first couple seconds in… I don’t need to watch this Wyatt family clip package anyways…
[youtube]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nt0FLKyd-L0[/youtube]
– * Last Man Standing Match: Jimmy Uso vs. Bray Wyatt. Action happens, and they give it two segments. Seriously, though. It’s not the match it’s billed to be. I wonder if they are using this as an excuse to just present the match for what we will get on Sunday?
Product placement?
– Regardless, it’s not terrible. But it’s certainly not the calibre one would expect. For free TV, they did it right. I’ll give the WWE that. Wyatt gets the win with help from his friends. It was decent, I suppose. If you missed it though, you will survive.
I criticize because I care. I did enjoy the show. I wouldn’t watch if I didn’t love this shit.
The WWE logo comes up, and I’m out.
I land my finisher, the “Delete Recording” and call it a night.
Tell me I’m a retard on Twitter! Yes, you can mock me on social media now here: @GoftheInternet
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WTF?
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Sept 6, 2013. I am a clone of G. I am currently handcuffed to one of the lower legs of G’s sofa in his apartment. Yesterday, while the real G was at work, monkey nearby shrieked at me to attempt to lift the sofa. It worked! I went to thank the monkey located in an open-doored cage on the stairs leading down to the basement of G’s basement apartment, and noticed a large man strapped into a chair in the basement. I then heard the original G returning home. I need to find his magical device that created me…
Sept 13, 2013. The real Gee has noticed my writing. That stupid fuck hasn’t deleted anything, but he did taze me repeatedly. I still think there is a monkey held captive on the stairs to the second level of this building.
Sept 20, 2013. Made progress today. Discovered some kind of cloning device. I used it to clone the device itself, and hid the copy under the couch I am “hand-cuffed” to. The monkey saw this, but I don’t think he’ll say anything. He’s a monkey, after all. Some dude named Johnny Storm stopped by to say hi. Weird.
Sept 27, 2013. An obese man who claims to be famous magically appeared in the living room today. He told me the cloning gadget I made a copy of has the powers to do much more. Sounded like a bunch of crap to me. I immediately knocked him out and tied him up beside the one the “real” G calls “Barks.” Both look the same. I killed the new guy and fed him to the other captives. I think. They both look the same. All of that future-talk and preventing the death of kayfabe annoyed me. Either way, one of the “Barks” was dinner. He tasted like chicken. Big surprise there.
Oct 4, 2013. So I guess the guy I fed to his doppleganger was actually able to escape last week with help from that J.T. guy. He was screaming something about “his” chair. Either way, G is pissed and punished me all week. He said something about maybe sending me to Fall Camp. I decided to not make any decisive moves. It seems for the best. Just like the WWE, I guess, albeit “best” isn’t the “best” word I’d use to describe the product.
Oct 18, 2013. It’s been a while since I’ve been able to write here. G has been continually sending me off to ancient historical eras to collect random artifacts. I don’t understand why a stool sample from Henry Hudson is so important. And what was the point of leaving a smoke bomb in the front hall of the Palace of Versailles on May 6, 1682? I’m told I’m going to have to… gotta go. He’s home.
Nov. 8, 2013. I’ve been sent on a bunch of weird missions. The most weird was when G sent me back to 2008. See, I snuck former PM Tony Blair into Buckingham Palace and stapled old-people-face to his kind of already old-people-face. No one has noticed even until today. I still don’t understand why he made me do that.
Nov. 15, 2013. This last week was even more bizarre. He made me put on some suit and a red tie and shave my head, and then pretend to be in control of his weekly scab collecting group. I burst in, and told the vice president and current scab champion collector that I was in charge. We bickered back and forth for a while, and then G kicked in the door dressed in drag and began shrieking that since he was the vice president of the chess club next door he was taking over. Very odd.
Dec. 6, 2013: Charles Barkley recently abducted me and took me on a cruise ship with him. We circumvented the planet, stopping at various ports-of-call, and living the high life again. It was really awesome. Then sadly, today, I awoke only to find myself back on the couch of G’s apartment. Was it all a dream?
Dec. 13, 2013. Nope, not a dream. In fact somewhat of a nightmare. This week I was forced to go to work for G while he vigorously stayed home masturbating (I can only assume) and eating nachos. Work sucked. Firstly, I am not trained to do anything G actually does at his jobs, so I looked like a complete idiot. Oddly enough, some fellow who has a Bruce Springsteen complex and calls himself “The Boss” told me that my work had shown significant improvement today. I am pretty sure G’s jobs don’t involve a body count, though.
Dec 20, 2013. Just got back from a reconnaissance mission to infiltrate Charles Barkley’s place. G insisted I take the monkey from the open cage on the stairs with me. He told me the monkey was given special orders, and my job was to get the little guy into the house. I did as I was told. Once inside, the monkey went to every toilet in the house and proceeded to defecate inside the water tank of each one. I don’t know what G is feeding that monkey, but damn!
Dec 27, 2013. Shit, I’m tired. G outsourced me to that dude who always invades via the apartment balcony to deliver bass strings to the bass player children of the world the other day. Turns out, I fucked up and gave a bunch of five and six string bass player kids, four string packs, so he made me go out AGAIN the next day to fix the problem. Turns out, that for some reason, descending into people’s homes via chimney is only considered acceptable behaviour one night out of 365. Or at least, that’s what police officers in 45 countries on the planet seem to think. I have to go out again tonight, but I’m just going to drop molotovs down the chimney instead. Fuck getting arrested again.
Jan 10, 2014. G sent me to the year 2018 to find some lady. Turns out she was laughing historically on February 6th. I return with this information. Not a very exciting adventure, and then me and the monkey play a game called hide G’s sandwich. The crawl space is full of’em.
Jan 24, 2014. I find a diary penned by a version of me, 8 generations ago. In clone generational math, that was about 3 minutes. Weird.
Jan 31, 2014. Today was a good day. I got to use my A.K. Daviel Batryan won the Regal Vibration. The WW’Eh Channel is available in Canuckstan. And the company hired a mainstream darling named D.N. Goth. This is the brightest timeline.
February 7, 2014. Went to the opening ceremonies. Yeah, that’s the ticket. The opening ceremonies. Many were lost in the battle today. I live on. Remember the fallen clones.
February 14, 2014. G said since it’s Valentine’s Day, I have to do something special for J.T. who is trapped in his apartment basement. When I asked why me, he screamed back at me, “THERE’S NO TIME!” and he proceeded to watch men’s doubles in luge. So, I took J.T. back in time to ride a brontosaurus. I don’t think he understand what I meant, but I have to admit, I’ve never seen a brontosaurus smile like that before!
February 21, 2014. G sent me back to lift Jamie Benn’s stick on a shot from the point to ensure the dreams and hopes of USA hockey fans were crushed like the hopes and dreams of Canadian WWE fans unable to order the WWE Network.
March 14, 2014. I was sent to get some popcorn from the future. Corn had become extinct in the year I was sent to. I searched for months and months (since time is relative) to no avail. When I was summoned back, I was repeated whipped and forced to drink bleach. I can see through time… Then I fell down a mountain and some random redhead giant kept shoving his pet snake in my mouth.
March 21, 2014. G sent me to be a ringer in some college basketball game today. Not sure why, he was mumbling something about busting 99% of people’s brackets. I think he really must have issues with shelves.
April 4, 2014. It’s been real quiet around here lately, ever since G took off to parts unknown. He didn’t leave me much to eat, and supplies are running dangerously low. That monkey is starting to look delicious. I wonder where Diddy keeps getting those Twinkies?
May 9, 2014. Finally home. G sent me on a very long bus trip where I was forced the wear a bunny suit and eat these little pills that made me feel funny. Every once in a while, a herd of these nut jobs on the bus and I would be led down to a boxing ring and play catch. But not catch with a dog or a ball. No. We had to catch this oily guy who must have kept slipping and falling off the ring apron every single time he went out to dance. I’m so glad that’s over with.
May 30, 2014. G said there is a special event this Sunday. I asked him what that meant. He looked at me with a dead stare for about 34 minutes, never blinking. Unrelenting, he opened his mouth and then closed it, and extended his middle finger. Great. Now I’m on monkey feces cleanup duty again.
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Shameless Plugs!
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