Home ▸ SmackDown ▸ Smackdown 06/07/13: BWF Anniversary Edition

I wonder why I started my review off with this particular animated gif? Perhaps the answer will be on BWF Radio this Sunday. It’s the fifth anniversary of the website.

What will happen tonight on Smackdown? Who will die? Who will live? What mysteries will be solved? The answer to all questions is “plums.” And with that, set up the hurdles. On your marks, get set, HOP!

“I watch, write, suffer, and succumb to this show, yet have to remind myself of what happened only minutes after each episode. That is how G’s Smackdown reviews work. And as J.T. Hogan has observed, it often makes more sense than the program you are actually watching. This is not a play-by-play recap, there’s enough of those online. This is a highly-opinionated take of the show in question.”

– I receive a Hallmark card in my mailbox. It says “Happy Fifth Anniversary! Tonight on Smackdown you’ll get Heyman Guys with contracts rolled up like phallic imagery stuffed down your pants. Hopefully you protect that phallic looking thing with a Trojan, or a Shield, because a Robot Goat might try to rape you later.” What a nice sentiment.

– The show tries to shed viewers right out of the gate with Miz TV. And his guest is Randall Keith Orton. Could this be any worse way to kick off the show? ThatDamnDoubleC immediately PM’s me on facebook noting, “fuck smackdown! it’s only the same shit anyway.. put that in your review.” But he would stand to be corrected as Daniel Bryan comes out, and the crowd chants his name. Kane is out too. Bryan apologizes to both Orton and Kane for his actions on RAW and whatnot lately. Miz notes Bryan single handedly taking out all of the Shield. The apologies turn into arguments. It’s a good segment, but a little repetitive. Something needs to change here, like a heel turn by Orton or something. Kane says fuck this shit and leaves Orton with Bryan. J.T. is seen in the audience holding up a cue card that says, “Kane: Fuck this shit.” It looks like Team Hell No is No More. Holla, playah, flow chart. The Ghost of Teddy Long books a tag match between Orton/Bryan and The Shield.

That seal actually plays for the Bruins. His name is Chara.

– * Chris Jericho vs. Curtis Axel w/ Paulie Shore. “What’s up, Buh-dee?” begins Paulie, “Wheezin’ the juice?” Brendan Fraser is here too! He is battling The Yeti behind them as the Scorpian King falls torn with a torn muscle. The match begins… Jericho looks just thrilled before they look up. Paulie Shore joins commentary with The Yeti. In all fairness, this match is actually pretty damn good, and Heyman is solid on commentary, but as well all know, life isn’t fair. Right Sidney Crosby? I spilt something on my keyboard and the following keys are sticky: “=][‘;l/.”. It’s kind of annoying like the commercial break that is going on right now. I go try and find that crazy clown porn that made me, “spill something on my keyboard.” Cocktalk, every Sunday on BWF Radio. Come join us as we celebrate our website’s fifth anniversary this Sunday! So much clown porn!

If he was wrestling Ric Flair, Ric would’ve done colour to sell the Count Out.

– We return, and Kurt Angle is fully in control of Chris Benoit. He’s from Edmonton, dammit! Paul is passing out Kool-Aid’s new whiskey flavor to J.T., ZombieThinkSoJoE, and Jorge in the Team Alpha celebratory locker room while watching “I Stuck A Big Red Nose Up My Twat #5.”

Jorge: Hey Paul E, aren’t you supposed to be on commentary right now?
Paul: Fuck it, I’m mailing it in.
J.T.: You? Laughable. That’s MY gimmick. Don’t steal my shit like WCW did to you back in the day.
Joe: … rawr? Zombies don’t talk G. At least credible zombie fictional zombies don’t talk. Why are you making me break the fourth wall.
Paul: I invented the fourth wall. Now hit CM Punk’s music to distract Jericho.

– And Jorge does hit that music. This allows Curt Hawkins to roll up Jericho for the win. Then a bunch a laudy random circus performers, oh… let’s say, clowns, come out for a giant orgy. The crowd is really into them. Literally. Cocktalk. Happy Anniversary. Jericho takes advantage of the Brazzer’s film shoot, and runs back into the ring and hits the CodeBreaker on Axel Rose (who Joe saw this week with the fake meme-bers of Guns and Roses. Was Buckethead there, Joe?). Dude wears a fucking KFC bucket on his head and a Michael Myers mask. He’s fucking awesome.

– Backstage RYTMAN runs into Kane. RYTMAN mocks Kane noting his destruction of Bryan on Monday. They decide thems fighting words and that Maven fucking sucked, so they need to battle for his Tough Enough trophy or some shit. I don’t know, I’m learning about how many clowns in an orgy REALLY can fit into a small car. Turns out it’s 15. Did you know? Chris Jericho invented clown car orgy porn? It’s a fact! 30 Helens agree!

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BYaXsBs7qow[/youtube]

– Another Bray Wyatt vignette airs. It’s awesome. And there’s a chick in it that has had the IOC considering allowing Paige from NXT participate in the Olympics. Dick Pound, make it happen! Cocktalk…

– The RAW Rebound airs, which makes me think about basketball. That makes me think about watching that heel LeBron and his heat lose game one of the NBA Finals Thursday night. That makes me think about how Flo Rida predicted that the Heat would sweep the Finals. That makes me think about Flo Rida’s interaction with Heath Slater at WrestleMania 28…

That’s a pretty solid finishing move.

– * Alberto Del Rio vs. Heath Slater. Yep, “Connect Four”ing the dots. I loved that game as a kid. Ric Rod does his thing, bringing out the face version of ADR… same old, same old. Then we cut to a commercial for The Purge. That movie’s premise looks pretty cool. I start making my own kill list in case Canada enacts such laws. I’d be like Evil Santa on that day. This match is pretty much a squash. ADR submits Heath pretty much right away with an Armbar! Move 1004! Dolph Ziggler gets on the Tron via “backstage-elite.” Ziggler rants about being medically cleared to compete and will be back on Monday. That’s good. If they were forced to strip him of his title due to the concussion, that would send a really bad message about their recent contributions towards research.

– * Kane vs. Ryback. Ry-Dallas-Starbucks-Logo enters in his Ambulance. Somewhere, someone lies on the concrete, dying, bleeding. Fuck you Bret Hull! Your Golden Skate has claimed another victim! Look it up smarks, if you don’t catch that reference. What’s this? The driver runs out from the Ambulance and super-kick’s Ryback!!! Or maybe he super dicked him, with added shred-rape power. I can never tell the difference. He’s wearing a BWF 5th Year Anniversary T-Shirt, and a red and white lucha mask!!! “BAH GAWD!” screams J.R., “KING! HE’S HOLDING UP A SIGN THAT SAYS, ‘CAN I BE SERIOUS FOR A MINUTE?'”. J.T. is seen in the audience, drunk as hell, holding up a sign that says, “That was also Test’s finishing move. They are both Canadian… is that the connection?”. I immediately writing on my television with the Jiffy Marker-filled-with-the-ink-of-lies, “Nope.” Then I book myself into a CZW death match and take a power saw to the forehead like my hero, Dean Ambrose. While I write that, the mystery man drives the ambulance through the audience, killing many of them, like he’s awaiting Grand Theft Auto 5.

Who is that masked mystery lucha that appears each week in my reviews? Where did he go?

– Meanwhile, back in the arena, RYTMAN and Patrick Kane are beating up a cab driver. Hell they’re choking the fucker out like he’s Justin Williams. They proceed to have a brawler match, working a stiff style. A table gets set up and they finger paint for a while (I put the finished work on my fridge and make the little guys grilled cheese sandwiches while they watch Nickalodeon). Then Ryback puts Kane through a table as the Chicago Blackhawks in Game 5 of the Western Conference playoffs tomorrow. King Kong Bundy style. Did I mention the fifth anniversary of Cocktalk this Sunday? We’re going to have five versions of Doink the Clown on the show, and tape them having awkward sex! TUNE IN! It’s going to be a Slobberknocker! We will upload it to iTunes too, don’t worry, you too can enjoy the sticky keyboard key goodness that is BWF Radio. 😀 We’ll even forget the “NSFW” warning so you get fired and become forced into the Clown Porn Industry. Trust me, from experience, it’s very rewarding.

Looks safe.

– Damein Demento is out to discuss his intellectual prowess, and the lack of Sheamus’s ability to tie his shoes. He never did find his apprentice either, after all. Remember that shit? Me neither. Damien needs to challenge a super computer now. He’s got “Deep Blue” who beat some chess fucker at some point. This is highly entertaining. Seriously! Sandow plans on actually defeating the Randall Keith Ortbot at Chess and tells the crowd they “will all sit back in silence… and watch.” While Bobby Fisher was a Chess champion at 15, Sandow was at 8. Enter the heel, Sheamus. Sheamus calls the supercomputer an Atari, which is kind of amusing. He asks if he can make a move on the calculator. Sheamus gets his one move in, which of course is a Brogue Kick to the thing. Sandow fucks up Unmixed Strawberry Yogurt for wrecking the supercomputer, and rightfully so, slamming his head repeatedly into the table the computer was on.

@Charles Barkley @G: “The NBA Finals have been animated!”

@G @Charles Barkley: “Chuck, that joke was… well… turrible.”

– Randall Keith Orton tells Daniel Bryan backstage to put his personal problems aside, Bryan tells Orton to not get in the way. Yep, a set up for a heel turn by Orton is in the works. J.T., Jorge, ZombieThinkSoJoE, Paul E Safesexly, and that DamnDoubleC are all seen backstage making an amateur home video involving whiskey and rainbow colored afro wigs. Guess which one just got some herpes flavored popcorn from the concourse? Every week. Sunday. 2PM EST.

– * Fandango vs. Zack Ryder. Summer Rae/Ray is here and shit too. I don’t know who the jobber is at this point. Miz has joined commentary too. The two actually get a nice set of spots and moves in, which is refreshing. Maybe these guys should just work a midcard program for a bit? Spoke to soon, as Fandango taunts Miz and lands his Matt Hardy Leg Drop of DOOM!!!

– This just in, signed a deal with Vivid Entertainment to produce clown porn with The Fantastic Four would showed up out of nowhere. Man my crotch is burning. Either Johnny Storm set my apartment on fire again, or Jorge, Paul, J.T., JoE, or DamnedDouble C were in my car with Sue, Reed, Johnny, and Ben and I just didn’t notice. I’m kind of selfish that way.

E3 is next week. I’m not sure who complains more, wrestling fans or video game fans.

– Ryback clips air. FFW. I did. Remember my mysterious attacker? He shows up, and we play some Dead Island: Riptide. He tells me, “I don’t attack people during our fifth anniversary episode. Plus, zombies don’t talk.” Paulie Shore is seen in the audience holding up Samwise Magee, who is holding up Brendan Fraser, who is dangling J.T. from his left ankle, who is holding up a tube of topical cream that reads, “Our House… in the middle of the street… our house… doesn’t have a fourth wall.” Then Natalya and The Kat are seen backstage talking about the secret admirer gimmick. Good times. The Shield make their way out, and in traditional fashion, the non-competing member (hint, Cody Deaner), gives props to his Team Beta buddies, who will compete solo-ish.

Protesting is fun.

– * Non-Title Match: The Shield (Reigns and Rollins) {C} vs. Daniel Bryan and Randy Orton. As per usual, Bryan and Rollins are amazing to watch. Orton is elevated as a result, and of course, the green bastard Reigns is getting better. No complaints. This is a very watchable main event. All grapplers are made to look good over almost 20 minutes. They fight on Friday Nights! Ball Game! Two words. Eat it Joe, who proceeds to devour all the Special Olympics kids in the audience and leave my business card in the process. That fucking asshole zombie is framing me!

– Things heat up like a herpes flare up, as Daniel Bryan double dropkicks The Shield from the top rope, and proceeds to fuck up their shit. Orton is outside while this happens, syncing himself to the iTunes recording of BWF RADIO this Sunday at 2PM EST, the only podcast where penises literally have mouths and speak. Near falls commence, and Orton BK Drive-Thru’s Reigns, BUT ROLLINS PREVENTS A PIN!! Then Bryan accidently fucks up Orton. Bryan sneaks in a No! Lock, but an Ambrose and J.T. run-in force-pushes, padawan, the referee to tell Chewbacca to ring the bell. DQ! Orton TURNS! He attacks Bryan because of this, or maybe he heard us talking about him on BWF Radio each week (2PM EST) and thought it would be funny to rejuvinate his character because it sucks. Sucks a dick, like in some clown porn I just downloaded called, “The Best Money Shots in Clown Porn: Shred Rape With A Power Saw to Jon Moxley’s Head Edition #3”. Not sure. Just be happy I DIDN’T include the animated gif I found this week.

I’m getting fired at the end of the podcast this Sunday.

I criticize because I care. I did enjoy the show. I wouldn’t watch if I didn’t love this shit.

The WWE logo comes up, and I’m out.

Tell me I’m a retard on Twitter! Yes, you can mock me on social media now here: @GoftheInternet

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I APPEAR WEEKLY ON BWF RADIO!

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Listen LIVE starting at 2 PM EST here. here on Mixlr.com.
Check out BWF Radio every week. It goes up on i-Tunes on Sunday in the late afternoon of North America
Call in and leave a message (via Skype or Gmail and save a buck) at: 1(716)-HOGAN-97

Make sure you tell’em “Jorge” sent you. I will give you a shout out, maybe even get herpes! Hey, free herpes! It’s a win-win situation, right?

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This Smackdown Review Appears on Three Sites!

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WTF?

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When will Joe noticed I changed this section? Maybe on BWF Radio, this Sunday at 2 PM EST? Which Sunday?

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Shameless Plugs!

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